All2Common

I always seem to forget about this place when things get tough. But I am here and I am alive. I'm think about writing some more fan fiction and stories/micro-fiction so hopefully more of that to come.

So I am posting my public key just in case there is ever a time I do get more followers (i doubt it lol). I do want a more private and secure way of people knowing for sure its me posting.

PGP is the best way for that to happen for me right now. So if you know how to use it then copy my key, which will be posted at the bottom, and if there is ever a doubt encrypt a message to me or ask for a signed statement so you can check the pgp signature.

-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK-----

One thing I never thought I would be writing as a title anywhere is BDSM. No I am not an expert. Instead the submissive who found me seems to think I make a great Dominant. Why? That is something I had to ask.

So I am something you would call a soft Dominant. I like having control but just enough to look after my submissive and keep them safe from harm. I do like having control in the bedroom as well. Like before though just enough to keep things interesting.

I honestly was terrified to have a submissive. I don't like doing harm to others, ever. I was so careful with so much and I began to think it meant I really wasn't a Dom. Come to find out it was what they loved the most about me. Caring, compassionate, being attentive while still being in control and constantly asking for consent.

I actually put out a story online and see how well it would do. Which considering I have no fan base it will do as expected lol

Being stuck in an emotion can seem like you are in a self made prison. You blame yourself for your situation even if you don't show it. Depression always seems to make sure to remind you about how you won't change things and how its stupid to have hope. It tells you how tired you are of life and how unfair it is that you have to endure it and how others have to endure you. You have to sit there while it reminds you how stuck you really are.

If there is one thing that comes to mind when thinking about all this its how agonizing it can be. Instead of having your own personal life coach its like having your own personal death coach. It's hard to not want to just listen to that constant voice that tells you to give up. And whats worse its not in a screaming tone most times for me. Its a calm voice that makes you think you will feel nothing else when you delete yourself.

You wake up dragging your mental sword and shield like a tired gladiator who has done this match a 100 times. You win every day but you wonder at what cost. To live to see the same thing again in the morning? You begin to feel like you are fighting for survival just to say you lived, but not to have really lived. Tired gladiators are not physically tired they are mentally tired because they have seen this fight so many times they already know the outcome.

The hunger for life seems to have subsided long ago and they keep going because they feel that's what they are supposed to do.

So then I ask, is it the fight that's the problem or the outcome?

I believe its the outcome. Why fight if nothing changes? Or maybe I need to change what I'm fighting? "Fight depression" is the same old song sung here and yonder time and time again. Maybe its time to fight something else. Fight the lies you tell yourself everyday that you are not worth it. Fight the story that plays out in your head that nothing will change. Depression will come and you have to accept that when it does you don't have to be its dance partner or fight partner. Instead fight what's behind it.

What is wearing the mask of your depression? Fear is what is wearing the mask of my depression. It will tell me that I should be afraid of loving myself. I should be afraid of expecting to have a good day. It will tell me I should fear when I don't have a good day. It will tell me that I should fear the Bad Days cause the bad days mean I'm just going through the motions to no outcome.

hope everyone has been good. Me? Meh I have been through it these past few weeks. At moments completely breaking down and thinking "why the hell am I here even enduring all this?"

But like any person who wants to live. You find a reason to keep going. And so I did. I'm glad I did. Life can seem so permanent when you can't see the future. It can seem so dark and stationary. While I like routine sometimes I think its easy to be comfortable in a bad routine just cause you know what to expect from it.

Yet while in the emotional chaos of the anxiety of worrying about the future you mentally can end up taking refuge in the decrepit beauty of "the devil you know".

This in the moment seems safe or just logical to stay in the routine of never venturing out cause each time it ends in a bad experience. But the thing you have to tell yourself is the bad experiences are because I haven't enough experiences period.

If you haven't met many good people then you haven't met enough people. If you haven't ever eaten good food then you haven't tried enough food yet. If you haven't heard good music then you haven't listened to enough music yet.

So its been a min. Right now I'm battling another patch of depression. It pisses me off that I even have to deal with this right now but yeah here we are. It comes and goes, but I noticed it comes often along with the health issues I have. I can pretty much predict when another battle is about to happen cause it seems to be a side effect/symptom of a condition I have.

What I find the most annoying though is that if I were to tell a doctor this they would just look at me like I was crazy. As if feeling like shit physically doesn't mess with your emotions.

Anyone who thinks that is just a moron or hasn't been sick enough to know. One thing that does help though is music. Can't listen to sad music though (obviously). And writing of course :)

I think I also get mad at myself. Depression can make you feel so weak and guilty about everything you do. You feel so self centered constantly thinking about how horrible your life is. Its so circular.

Yet there is light at the end of the tunnel. Trying to focus on what you can do and not fix it but maybe ease yourself on until you get to the end of the current battle seems like the best way to deal.

For some this may sound like bullshit but its what works for me. Until I can find a better solution. Until next time .....

Abuse a lot of times is like a revolving door. Getting out looks easy but its hard when you actually try and very easy to go right back in.

Let's talk about verbal abuse. I think there are way more verbal abusers than there are physical abusers and people accept it more often because its not physical. But constant insults and jabs at your self esteem by someone you love can take a toll on you. It can make you feel so unloved and think no one will ever love you. Growing up with it is even worse because you are lied to from the very beginning. There is no "self" to get back to if you where born into it. You just have to get away and begin the journey of learning who you are without it.

My Father is verbally abusive to my mother and others in this home I'm in. It's pretty much expected for him to be an asshole to everyone. While his abuses stopped once I got older and able to stand up for myself he still continues with the verbal abuse with my mother. It's truly a ongoing cycle of poetic nonsense. He gets angry, blames her for his anger, she tries to calm and reason with him, he continues to explode on her, and then he leaves.

Sometimes he may come back and make himself angry again and do it all over again just for good measure. While I hate seeing him do this to my mother I can't interfere anymore. She has made it known to me she has no intention of leaving him and she doesn't know why she still loves him. So to me I guess she's not hurting bad enough yet.

Because she has said this I no longer wish to defend her. You can defend someone who isn't able to defend themselves but you can't defend someone who doesn't want to defend themselves. Not being able and not wanting to makes a huge difference.

Guess who's back after getting locked out of their account for almost a year after deleting the virtual machine they were using for blogging and not realizing they had the credentials all along locked away in a security application somewhere? lol

So now I got a new virtual machine and ready to write again. As an update I've been working and doing more intense therapy. Which actually has been good for me. I hope everyone has been doing well and I will be seeing you guys soon :)