what to do with all these hate?

"I'm okay." I said, flipping my small body bag to my right and searched for my car keys. It had been a fun night, catching up with former colleagues and senior stakeholder who visited Manila this weekend. Glad he still remembered me. We had a few drinks at the Skybar which had a breathtaking view of the city. It was a chill Sunday evening, interesting conversations and reminiscing happy work memories. When it was time to head home, we all said goodbye and this guy (let's call him R) offered to drive me home. I didn't work with him, he probably joined the company when I already left but we vibe well.

"You might have had too much to drink. Did you even know what I ordered?" R asked, smiling as he shoved one hand on his pocket.

"No, but it tastes good. Seriously, I'm okay." as I said the word 'okay' I tripped on the small road bump as we exited towards the parking lot.

He held back a laugh. "Told ya."

I gave him another look, but this time I tried to focus my slightly blurry vision toward his face. He's not my type, that's for sure. He looks, err, clean. Way too clean. He has fair skin without any marks or scars. Damn, his skin looked more feminine than mine. He has small eyes that turns into slits when he smiles. He's wearing a silver bracelet that looks as expensive as his white tshirt and fitted acid wash jeans. His nails are spotless, it's like he's never touched any grime his entire life. I remember our conversation earlier that he's supposed to have a trip abroad but postponed it since our senior stakeholder is visiting. In other words, he's rich, and it's his own money for sure.

"What?" his brows furrowed and that's when I realized I may be staring at him too long.

"Nothing. Okay, where do you live? I can get you a Grab after you drop me off. I just want to be safe." I handed him the car keys.

He took it carefully. "No need, I'll book my own ride."

I'm sure he can afford it. I recall he paid for the bill earlier and didn't take a photo of the receipt. We usually do that so we can split the bill after. He didn't seem to mind. I tried to do a mental math of how much each of our drinks costed and felt a sharp pain in my temple. I groaned as I stepped inside the car.

"You wanna get coffee or anything?" he asked as he started the engine.

"No. I just want to go home." I gasped as I remembered something. "Hold on." I fumbled for my bag, and checked my wallet. I breath a sigh of relief. I thought the cash I got was part of my drunken hallucination.

He shifted the gear to drive and we exited the parking lot. "What is it?"

"My winnings!" I grinned.

"You won?" his eyes are slits again. "How much?"

"Good amount. I think I'm coming back here next week." I smiled to myself. Who would've thought? The unlucky woman who sucked at choosing men, can be lucky somewhere else it seemed! I put the wallet back inside my bag and hugged it close to me.

"Careful though. Just bet what you can lose." He looks calm as we speed along the uncongested highway.

"Yeah. I'm used to losing, it feels good to win sometimes." I know I'm not referring to gambling anymore.

He seemed to sense it. "Woah. Is that why you drank a bit too much tonight?"

"Did I?"

R shrugged, I liked how he takes his eyes off the road very quickly, a snap of a second, to look at me. The right amount of time, the calculated movement of his eyes, hands on the steering wheel and cautious foot on the gas pedal. "Well, you drank it like it's beer."

"I don't drink often anymore since I started running and working out." I said, my eyes are on the road, part of me wished the drive would take longer than usual. It's 12AM but who knows, maybe some bit of construction along the way, no?

"Ah, good for you. I don't drink much these days as well. But I like trying different beers when I travel."

I wanted to ask more about his travels. I wanted to know if he's as rich as he looked like. Not sure why that would matter anyway. We're not friends, we're not connected in any social media platform, this is probably the first and last time I'll see him. I wonder why the thought made me sad. I didn't even know if he's already with someone but there is a very high possibility that he is.

Us hitting new PRs was just the icing on the cake. 🍰

Sunday = Family time 😍

When it's too good to be true, it most probably is.

The ghost is there to stay, you don't get to try and fix what the ghost broke without the risk of bleeding from the shards.

Silence. There's nothing but silence now.

Hope is nothing but a false premise.

Thanks.

They were seated right across the table from where my friends and I sat. I can see KG and GC from my peripheral vision. They sat opposite each other, hands touching across the table every now and then. They greeted common friends who passed by and posed for photos when someone would bring out a phone. Russian guy's wife sat beside GC, I knew they're good friends based on GC's Instagram history.

My friend gave me a look as he nod towards their direction. I shrugged. It doesn't hurt to see them. As a matter of fact, I'm open to being friends with KG again and hang out with both of them. I know KG will laugh at me if I ever tell him the story of how I once again almost settled for less than the bare minimum. We were good friends before everything happened, he has a daughter and would always tell me how a woman should be treated. In the three months I spent with him, he truly set a standard. I'm way past hating now, he has to leave because he followed his heart. He knows who can make him happy and fuck the world,he will stand by that decision.

At one point, we all went near the stage to watch the main band perform. KG and GC were standing a few feet in front of me. I wasn't watching the band any more. I looked at them as KG took pictures on his phone with one hand while his other arm is wrapped around GC's shoulder. When the crowd gets rowdy, he pulled her closer as if trying to protect her from all the ruckus. I smiled dreamily. KG is really all out when he loves his woman. I can imagine if GC will ever be assaulted by anyone, KG will never take it sitting down. I did mention in a previous post that I noticed KG didn't have a lot of friends except for the usual people I see him with and now that I think about it, he doesn't really need a big group of people to feel significant. GC, his daughter, his parents are all he need. He will go through hell and back just to take revenge on anyone who would disrespect the women in his life. He doesn't need 150++ men to back him up. He has chosen his small circle wisely a long long time ago.

KG used to talk about me, I remember meeting his band mates after their rehearsal before and they were all like "oh hey we heard so much about you." KG would proudly share the events I did, and all the bands I've worked with, it wasn't much but he bragged about me like I fucking invented the cure for cancer. He religiously shared my gig posters and reacted in every Story. He showed up offline as much as he did online. He supported in every possible way he could. There was even a time he took a candid video of me looking at the Taal volcano. I felt pretty and special, even when I didn't really acknowledge what we had back then, he made sure I never felt otherwise. I'm sure that's what he does with GC now and it's cool, I'm really happy for them. They walked around the bar holding hands, he carried her shoulder bag, he checks her skirt once in awhile to make sure it doesn't expose more skin than she intends to. After the show, they were chatting happily as they exit the bar. I imagine them walking towards KG's car, KG reaching across the shift gear just to hold GC's hand as they drive away.

Welcome back home, Dad!

Fam dinner at MOA Seaside bay while watching the Pyromusical show. A happy weekend indeed. 😻

Girl power!!

I drove past a familiar place earlier today, thanks to Google Maps for messing up while I was right in the middle of the highway. I completely missed the U-turn I was supposed to take and the shitty app redirected me to the other route I've been trying to avoid.

Anyway, I moved forward, thinking it will consume more time to go all the way back to my original route. I half expected myself to relapse as I speed ahead. I never really checked on where I'm at in terms of this so-called healing process, I just know that I am thinking about it less and I haven't cried in a while, well except for when I see reels about doggos I tend to tear up cause I miss my dog so much. I am back to my usual routine of working out, binge watching psych-thriller films, or series and occasionally reading mystery books. I am sleeping well even when sober. My skin feels amazing, thanks to the monthly facial treatment I booked since February and I am back to preparing hearty low calorie meals for my weight loss goal before the wedding I'll be attending this April. The icing on the cake is Lucifer, my brand new devilish red Kia Sonet which will make our quick beach weekend getaway more frequent and realistic. I am looking forward to so many things this year, but there's only one way to know if I'm really in a better space, and Google Maps did the honors to help me find out.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel anything as I started seeing the long stretch of road ahead. I drove slowly and carefully as I looked left and right, fully aware of some impatient drivers honking before they glide past me. The fast food restaurants, the mid-rise bar with an outdoor view, the noodle house, hell even that cheap motel where he downgraded me as a thing to be used because why the heck would you fuck someone if you already realized you still have feelings for someone else? I seethed as I remembered how he reeks with hypocrisy. He's her problem now, I thought to myself. I waited for the pain or jealousy to come but it didn't. There was only anger and the thought of how people like him will eventually screw so many things up in life. It's only a matter of time.

I stepped on the gas and sped away, feeling quite proud of myself that I am finally devoid of the emotions that were once pulling me back to a false hope. I gotta treat the Reddit guy for his free therapy session. It was such an eye opener and it made me realize so many things. I clicked on the Spotify icon on the wide dashboard screen and selected my recently played songs. I've been listening to a lot of Chapell Roan lately, this 2023 album of hers is a shitload of redemption songs for women who have been wronged by the people they chose. The clock reads 5:40PM and the sun is slowly melting down the horizon. My Kink is Karma started playing as I rolled my window down and sang at the top of my lungs:

"It's hot when you have a meltdown In the front of your house and you're getting kicked out It's hot when you're drinking downtown And you're getting called out 'cause you're running your mouth

Reddit Stranger (RS): I gotta say, don't you think you're quite too old to be that dumb? Shouldn't you have learned from your past mistakes by now?

Me (M): Gee, wow I needed that. Rubbing it to my face for real.

RS: I mean come on. He has been telling you his red flags all along! Those sob stories about his exes, sounds to me like he has some weird fetish for married women? Right from the start, that's what he always wanted. Can't blame him though. There's some sort of thrill with illicit affairs.

M: I'm guessing you're speaking from experience? RS: Oh fuck no. My fetish is different. I would want for you to find out but you said this is strictly SFW and I respect that. I guess you can say that I've seen it on the cases I've handled. Married people having affairs in the office. You'll be surprised at how far they usually go.

M: How does that usually end for them? RS: Well most of the time, they go back to their legal better half. I'm not saying the reason is always 'love' ugh too much cliché but I think they are old enough to make rational decisions at the end of the day. The cost of annulment here in this country is astronomical. Why go through all that? Especially when there are kids involved.

M: I disagree. Wouldn't it be more traumatic if the kids see their parents living a pretentious life together?

RS: That's why I said most of the time. Eventually, they work things out. After all, I presume they got married for a deeper reason right?

M: In her case, he's saying the girl was only forced to marry the guy. I think that makes all the difference.

RS: You know what? It's starting to dawn on me why they really belong together. You're moving on now right? So that's one of the first things you have to accept. Okay, next, you know why I say that? I could be biased since I am only hearing your side of the story, but whatever, you're getting free therapy so take all my words with a grain of salt. I'm sure this will make things easier for you.

M: OK, shoot.

RS: This guy, what do we call him again? M: Mr. GoodForNothingPatheticExcuseForAMan?

RS: Woah easy there, Satan. Let's just call him KG, because of his status lol. OK, so KG, claims he is always trying to be 'decent'. He's a deeply troubled man, on the brink of his 40s, with a slightly inflated ego. Now remember that his swell ego is partly your fault. You were flexing him and all, thinking he's a unicorn, putting him up high on a pedestal, yada yada.

Anyway, a guy like KG would want to be with a helpless woman. Not a woman like you who's strong albeit dumb at times. He wants someone inferior, someone who can't decide for herself. That will solidify his position as THE good guy, trying to do good things. He doesn't need your strong opinion, and the fact that you can fend for yourself is a big no-no too. How can he feel better about himself if you're achieving so much in life? He just played along when he was pursuing you but that's not who he wants to be.

So, this girl, what do we call her?

M: Uh, GC.

RS: OK now GC is your typical damsel in distress. Didn't you say her husband used to beat the shit out of her? GC is in dire need of a knight in shining armor. Now KG is just about the perfect actor for that role. He was made for that! This is why you don't belong in the picture, girl. There can only be one savior in this story.

M: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

RS: Up to you. I'm stating my observations as your free therapist for tonight. Shall we get more beer?

M: OK. I just didn't see him... I mean I've known him for awhile, I never imagined him to do something like this. I never thought he's even capable of using people. I always thought he's principled.

RS: What did I tell you? If fucking someone else's wife and knocking them up is your definition of 'principled' then geez you need some serious help.

But OK for argument's sake, let's give KG a chance. You say you were the in-between right? And the relationship he had with GC had been tumultuous, what's with all the drama and stuff right? One way to look at it is that KG isn't really fucked in the head before GC came along. Sometimes, we meet people and they can either let us be the best version of ourselves, or the opposite.

Maybe he really was a decent guy after all. He chose to raise his kid on his own which is really something. Of course, he had a LOT of help but still, I'll give him the credit for making the tough decision years ago. In the cases I've handled at work, one thing I've noticed is that people can be pushed to do things they wouldn't normally do. I think you should take this as my free advice too. Don't let this heartbreak turn you into something you're not, like what it did him. You've seen how ugly things could get. Don't ruin someone else just because you can't be whole on your own, it will be difficult, matter of fact, it will be such an awful feeling waking up in the morning after being left behind.. but no matter how unpleasant it may feel, please don't ever let that change you for the worst.

M: You mean don't be this resentful? RS: Yeah. I always tell you when we were chatting to try and choose 'elegance' and the grace to walk away quietly. Brush it off and move forward. You believe that people will eventually get what they deserve which means there's nothing left for you to do.

M: How about you? Do you believe in karma?

RS: Hmmm....yes and no. Sometimes good people will still suffer. Sometimes, it's all about timing. I'm not really sure. My usual advice to the people I deal with everyday at work is to choose kindness and honesty. It doesn't hurt to do good things, you know? M: I know. Sometimes I still wonder why it can't be me. I'm legitimately single. Lol.

RS: And Catriona Gray is a beauty queen yet the guy still didn't choose her right?

M: Valid point.

RS: You want to hear the vulgar version of my advice? M: Sure, I'm all ears.

RS: I think GC is competitive between the sheets. as a guy, even if the relationship is dead-end or toxic, we can stay if the sex is awesome. In this case, aside from the much needed ego boost, and the thrill of a forbidden affair, I really think she pushed the boundaries to make him beg for more. An awesome rim job, fuck while on period, car sex, and all that, how can a guy resist?

M: Sounds like a superficial foundation of a relationship.

RS: Oh stop nurturing your festering wound. You're sulking here while they're out there somewhere fucking like rabbits.

M: I'm not sulking. I'm having my own version of fun.

RS: Well then, listen. Stop hating so much. It won't do you any good. Have you ever heard of the saying 'you can't heal in the same environment where you got sick'? You're moving forward while he's choosing to go back to the place that changed him into something else. That's on him. You said he has a daughter right? Good luck explaining to the kid why it's okay to have affairs like his. Let's not wish something bad for the kid but who knows? Fate can really fuck you up when you least expect it.

M: He said he'll deal with karma IF it hits.

RS: Ah so confident. What'd I say? Good sex definitely! Like whatever happens in the future, I'll deal with it as long as I get to fuck who I want, what I want right now. Oh I miss my younger years when I didn't know any better. LOL. Anything else you wanna hear? More explicit advice? M: No, thanks. I've had enough unpleasant visual images in my head.

A large man walked inside the bar, and I sensed he's the one I'm waiting for. He's switching between looking around and checking his phone. He's overweight, stands about 5'4 and he wears a washed out gray t-shirt and faded baggy jeans. Straight outta 90s style. He did mention he's 45 years old so the attire checks out.

He noticed me based on my description of what I'm wearing - black band shirt, shorts and a slip on shoes. He smiled widely, showing a set of perfect pearly whites as he took a seat across my table.

"Hi." he adjusted his seat to fit his bulging stomach.

"Hey." I greeted with a nod.

The persistent server walked past us, finally cracking a smile when she noticed I have a companion who's ready to order. He ordered a bucket of beer. "I can sense this is going to be a long night." he said to me when the server walked away to get our order.

"Yeah, thanks for agreeing to be my unpaid therapist" I said with a genuine smile.

From our Reddit conversations, I know he has a qualification in Psychology and currently holds a senior management role in Employee Relations. He deals with different issues such as labor cases, harassment, adultery (yes, yikes!) and so on. Of course anyone can say who they are on the internet, so there's only one way to find out.

I was slightly disoriented when I opened my eyes. There's a terrible pounding in my head and I couldn't remember where I am. I looked up and saw a glass window on the wall above me, the sky outside is bright and beautiful. Morning? I winced as I forced my right arm up to look at my wristwatch. 7:28AM. OK, the specific time of day has been sorted out but I wanted to know where the hell I am.

I stretched and tried to pull myself up but the throbbing in my head intensified. I managed a loud groan before lying flat on my back.

"Oh hey.." a kind voice greeted. I twisted my neck to the right so I can see who's talking. Damn hangover, I felt paralyzed.

I recognized him, he's the guy my friend kept asking me to meet years ago. We have been friends in Instagram even before the pandemic but we never really got to hang out. I think I was so busy back then or maybe I just wasn't interested in him. I'm guessing it's the latter. Recently, he messaged me again (prolly saw my vindictive Stories and all), and I finally agreed to meet. I need some distraction anyway.

I've seen his pictures and he doesn't look bad. We met in person a few weeks ago and he's actually cute. We conversed like we've known each other for awhile and I've been honest on why I wanted to hang out with him . I said I wanted a distraction, I want to meet people and talk to a stranger about stuff. He can be THAT stranger, he said. Turns out, he's a good listener too.

Last night was the second time we hang out. I was with my friends from work and we were looking for some good spot in Makati to drink. He lives around the area so I asked him for some recommendations. He mentioned he has an acoustic set at a nearby bar and we can come watch if we like. My friends agreed and we drowned two bottles of tequila and holy fuck that's the last shit I remember. Now here I am, fully clothed, including my socks, wrapped in a blanket on someone else's bed.

He must've noticed me peering under the blanket for a bit, "Don't worry, I didn't do anything. You were so wasted, I just took you home so you can rest." He said as he sat on the edge of the bed. Actually, it's not really a bed, it's a memory foam mattress propped on the wooden floor. I looked around and noticed some similarities from a distant memory I'm trying to erase. His room is about 20sqm. The mattress is next to the wall where a small window is situated above it. A window type aircon hums gently on the opposite wall. The mattress cover is dark gray, paired with gray blankets, and pillows. His work station is a few steps away. There's a laptop and a monitor on the computer table and a black gaming chair is right in front of it. Do all work from home guys set up their rooms like this??

He looked bothered by my silence. "You okay?"

"Ah yeah, just some bad hangover." I rubbed my temples. "And don't worry I believe nothing happened. It's that time of the month for me. Would've been too damn messy."

Instead of being offended, he seemed fascinated by my crudeness. He smiled shyly, "Wanna get something to eat?"

I shook my head, "No it's okay. I need to get going." I wanted to sit up but my head felt like it's going to split in half. I lie on my side, facing him while I rub my scalp. "I will stand up when I can. Hold on."

He laughed, "Take your time." he lie beside me. He's gentleman enough to keep a good distance between us. He stared, "What kind of sorcery is this?"

"Huh?" I frowned.

"You just woke up and you're absolutely gorgeous. It's not fair." he said, smiling oh-so-sweetly.

Wow, sweet baby jesus, someone's playing a mean trick on me. I almost threw up both from the hangover and the ironic similarity of things I've been trying to avoid for more than a month now. I massaged my scalp with both hands, "You know the last guy who said that is now nowhere to be found? Poof, like he disappeared from the face of the earth. Turned out to be a complete asshole. So please, I'm quite allergic to such compliments."

He sat up abruptly, like the mattress is suddenly piping hot. "Well I'm sorry for stating a fact. Never mind. Coffee? Hot water? Anything?"

The only thing I need is to leave as soon as possible. All these Deja vu is making my skin crawl. I borrowed a sweater from him since I will be riding a good 1+ hour on a motorcycle to get home. He asked to take a picture before I leave so we could show it to our mutual friend as proof that we finally met in person. I obliged and my ride arrived right after we took the photo. I waved him goodbye and went on my merry way.

It felt like a pinch in my chest, good thing she didn't mention the name as it would've felt heavier. "I don't want to talk about it." I stared at the dark brown liquid in my shot glass - an expensive, sweetened, flavored poison which would make certain memories go away if you drink an ample amount.

Liv lifted her feet and crossed her legs in front of her, "Aren't you gonna tell? Just a summary? The gist of it?" she picked up a small piece of grilled pork from the huge bowl in front of us. She eyed me before popping it into her mouth.

I drank from the shot glass before answering, "Short version - it was my lack of better judgement. I ignored the signs and went on with everything because it was fun and good for my ego. He's not who I thought he is, that's all."

"I knew it!" she said loudly. Mark nudged her gently, casting an uneasy glance towards me.

Despite feeling like shit, the silver lining here is my circle of friends. I suck at choosing 'decent' guys but luckily I didn't screw up in the friendship department. These people have been with me for quite some time, they were there during the happy celebratory days but even more so during the nights when I need to ugly cry at 3AM while the world quietly sleeps.

I think about Mr.Good-for-nothing-sad-excuse-for-a-human-being (I have to come up with a shorter nickname for this guy..) , I've known him for years and even when we were friends, I never really saw him with a tribe. I can name one person he's really close to but that's just about it. I don't think bandmates / scene 'cults'(?) really count if all you do every meet up is some jamming sessions, gig, few food and beer while brainstorming or licking each others' balls. We had something for 3 months but it's always bands and gigs for this guy, some old high school friends, a few drinking buddy neighbors but I didn't see any real 'bond' there. I thought it was kinda weird considering his age that he doesn't seem to have found 'his people' yet. Of course, that's another red flag I ignored.

My main circle consists of the band I'm managing and those who aren't in the music scene. They all get along really well and we bond over so many things even though from the outside, they may look like polar opposites. Not to mention my other smaller circle of girlfriends from work who I usually gossip and share memes with. I smiled at the thought of them.

"It's fine, you can proceed with your intrusive thoughts." I calmly said as I poured myself another shot.

"Nah, I dunno. Something feels so off about him. Like first time you invited him over right? I was drunk but OK not too drunk I can remember I was blabbering about Engineer guy and all yada yada.." she paused to get another pork from the bowl, she chewed slowly before continuing, "When you were sleeping, he was very pushy on his opinion like yeah you're a girl you HAVE to insist that whatever.."

Mark nodded, "And he was talking and preaching like he know Engineer guy or every damn detail about life and relationships in general."

"Like for me, hold on I only need to vent. I don't need anyone telling me what to do or debate over every aspect of what rights do I have as a girl. It's not about gender really, it's about my confusion over so many things but he missed the point entirely. he was almost judging the guy he didn't even know." Liv leaned back on the sofa after talking.

I remember my Threads post last December, he was so mad when he read all the backlash he got from the strangers on the internet. He said they don't even know him personally. He had to get verbal confirmation from someone else to say that he's not the kind of person everyone is judging him for. It's true I begged for sympathy, I went public and lashed out on him. It was the only outlet I could think of at that time. I was hurt, confused, angry, I thought I was really okay with them getting back together but when he stopped reaching out to me, all the pieces of the puzzle finally fit together and I saw the hideous picture behind the glossy facade. He's a seasoned liar and a hypocrite.