Nope

I'm really only going to use this blog at this point to vent until I move on and find another constructive outlet. That being said, I have to get out the thing that's been bumming me out constantly and also apparently bumming out my boyfriend. So I had an abortion towards the start if this year. I was very much on the fence about getting one at all when I found out I was pregnant and almost didn't. I dont know how I had so much love for the little fucker having only been in my life for 6 weeks at that point and having only known about it for 2 weeks. That being said most people around me told me to get the abortion because 1. I wasn't ready for it. 2. I had only been dating my boyfriend for 4 months at that point. 3. I couldn't be the mom I wanted to be. So I listened. And I got it. And recently I half think I regret doing so. I'm approaching my would-be due date at this point and it's almost here. It's hard. It's hard knowing that and passing all the baby things in stores and realizing I can't buy those yet because my child does not exist. It's hard seeing friends have children and knowing that could have been me too. It's hard when I think about how many issues my mom and sister had getting pregnant and I threw mine away. It's all really fucking hard. Especially since I dont feel safe telling the majority of important people in my life. If anyone out there is reading this and contemplating getting an abortion, I'll never stop you or tell you it's wrong. It's your body and your choice. All I will tell you though is think about what I've said and make sure you're confident in your decision. It's a painful process and can be gut wrenching. And if anyone reads this until this point and has questions, ask me. I'd much rather give you my experience to help you with your decision than have you wallow in agony alone about the whole thing until it's over. I wont tell you to do it or not. I'll share my experience and act as a sounding board.

So, I'm about a year into my current relationship and it has been a wild ride and not being able to really talk about it with people (since I dont have friends and dont want to annoy people) makes me sad bc it's amazing. So imma just talk about my boo for a few minutes. K bye. So we met at work about a year and a half ago and we were pretty fast friends but we never were allowed to hang out or really work together because he was dating the gm at the time and she hated my guts. Fast forward to about a year ago and we started hanging out and I realized I really wanted out of my other relationship and into this one and my God am i thankful for that. A lot has happened in the past year. We've both switched careers (him 4 more times than me), we've moved into our own fancy apartment, we've had a lot of trials (including a pregnancy that didn't last), we've had countless fights and make up sessions, and we've gone on a ton of adventures together. And yet it feels like nothing has changed because it feels like I'm just hanging out with my best friend the few hours each week I get to see him. I'm mainly telling you all about this because I'm missing him right now because once again he's at work while I'm supposed to be sleeping. Which I know sounds overly clingy and gross but I just dont have the ability to sleep half as well in his absence. I'm also telling you this because I'm so in love and don't know how to handle myself. Recently we've more seriously been discussing marriage and starting a family and all of that jazz and its been strange for a couple reasons. 1. I'm 21. I feel like I'm too young for this but it feels so right. 2. He's been talking about his ex-fiance a bit recently because he hasn't thought about a lot of these things since her. He's also constantly telling me how much he loves and appreciates me and constantly boosts my ego by saying things along the lines of "I keep wondering who's that hot girl and realize oh that ones mine. I'm so lucky." I just feel so incredibly happy to have him in my life and he makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I cant wait for our future together. (I just hope that future has us spending more time together than we're currently spending because 30 hours a week just isnt enough)