21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You're Depressed.
A while ago, I penned a fairly angry response to something circulating on the internet â the 21 Habits of Happy People. It pissed me off beyond belief, that there was an inference that if you werenât Happy, you simply werenât doing the right things.
Iâve had depression for as long as I can remember. Itâs manifested in different ways. I did therapy. I did prozac. I did more therapy. My baseline is melancholic. Iâd just made peace with it when I moved, unintentionally, to a place that had markedly less sunshine in the winter. I got seasonal depression. I got that under control. Then I got really, really sick. Turns out itâs a permanent, painful genetic disorder. My last pain-free day was four years ago.
So, this Cult of Happy article just set me off. Just⌠anger. Rage. Depression is serious â debilitating, often dangerous, and itâs got an enormous stigma. It leaves people to fend for themselves.
Itâs bad enough without people ramming Happy Tips at you through facebook. There is no miracle behaviour change that will flip that switch for you. I know, Iâve tried.
A friend of mine suggested that I write something from my point of view because, surprisingly, I manage to give an outwards impression of having my shit together. I was shocked to hear this. And I find this comical, but I see her point. Iâm functioning. Iâve adapted. Iâm surprisingly okay. I think the medical term is âresilientâ.
My 21 Tips on Keeping Your Shit Together During Depression
1)  Know that youâre not alone. Know that we are a silent legion, who, every day face the solipsism and judgement of Happy People Who Think We Just Arenât Trying. There are people who are depressed, people who have been depressed, and people who just havenât been hit with it yet.
2)Â Â Understand that the Happy People are usually acting out of some genuine (albeit misguided) concern for you, that itâs coming from a good place, even if the advice feels like youâre being blamed for your disease. Telling you these things makes them feel better, even if it makes you feel like shit. (If they insist on keeping it up, see #12.)
3)Â Â Enlist the help of a professional. Â See your doctor. You need to talk about the ugly shit, and there are people paid to listen and help you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel.Â
4)Â Â Understand that antidepressants will only do so much. Theyâre useful, theyâll level you out and give you the time you need to figure out your own path to getting well. They can be helpful. There are lots to choose from. They may not be for you, and even if they are, they take some time to kick in. Conversely, they may not be for you. Work with your doctor.
5)Â Â Pick up a paintbrush, a pencil, an activity you got joy from in the past and re-explore that. Â Or, sign up for the thing you always wanted to try. There is a long history and link between depression and creativity. Itâs a bright light of this condition, so utilize it to your best advantage.
6)  Eat nutritionally sound, regular small meals. If youâre having trouble eating, try to focus on what youâd like to eat. I went through a whole six week episode of tomatoes and cream cheese on a bagel twice a day. Not great, but it was something â helpful context, Iâm a recovered anorexic. Conversely, if all you want to do is scarf down crap, try to off-ramp it by downing a V-8 and doing #9 for 15 minutes, and see how you feel. Chucking your blood sugar all over hellâs half acre is going to make you feel worse.
7)  While youâre doing #3, get some bloodwork done. If youâre low on iron or vitamin D, or if your hormone levels are doing the Macarena⌠these can all contribute to zapping your energy or switching your mood to Bleak As Hell.
8)  If youâre in bed and the âinsomnia hamstersâ, as I like to call them, are on the wheel of your head, watch Nightly Business News on PBS. This has the effect of Nyquil.  Swap out your coffee for herbal tea. If you just cannot sleep, try the next tipâŚ.
9)Â Â Learn how to meditate. Start by focusing on your breathing. Not sleep, not thoughts. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Meditation is focusing on being present in your body, not careening around in your brain. It may not be as good as sleep but it will give you some rest and recharge you.
10)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Face a window as often as you can â at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to find something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that one in five of those people out there feel the way you do.
11)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Cry. Better out than in. Sometimes itâs not convenient or career-enhancing to cry, so find a private place as best you can and let the tears go. Carry Kleenex and face wipes and extra concealer if you wear makeup. You can always claim allergies.
12)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Any âfriendâ who resolutely believes that your depression is because youâre lazy, because youâre not trying hard enough, who blames you for not bootstrapping out of it- that friend needs to be cut off. Polite (#2) is one thing, but there is a limit. You donât have to explain, you can just not respond. You feel badly enough, you donât need their âassistanceâ.
13)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Limit your time with people who drain you. You know who they are. Often you donât have a choice- but you can put the meter on. And, subsequently, be aware of what youâre asking of those close to you.
14)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Everyone has shit theyâve got to deal with. What you have been saddled with is your shit. Recognize, just as youâre not alone, youâre also not unique. The grass may look greener, you may be jealous or envious of others who donât have to deal with depression, but you likely do not know everything thatâs going on with them. Â
15)                 Let go or be dragged. This is an old Buddhist saying. Itâs a very useful way to frame aspects of depression. Betrayal, anger, fear⌠letting go is a process â often a painful and difficult process - but itâs ultimately going to show you the path out of this terrible place. Repeating the mantra can help when youâre feeling gripped by these feelings.
16)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Wear clothes that make you feel confident. It takes as much time to put on nice clothes as it does to put on sweatpants. You will want to wear the sweatpants. Fight the urge. The whole âlook good/feel betterâ campaign isnât limited to cancer and chemotherapy. Or women.
17)                 Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Greyâs Anatomy, no to The Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. Youâve got enough going on In Real Life. Comedy only. Or trashy stuff. Old episodes of WonderWoman? Iâve got the box set. Mindless drivel, like the latest CGI blockbuster. Or clever, funny books. David Sedaris. Jenny Lawson. Fiction exists to elicit emotion, and the emotion you need to express most right now is laughter.
18)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Simple exercise, if you can. It can be something as simple as taking the stairs up a flight, or walking around the block. It doesnât have to be elaborate, it doesnât have to involve climbing a mountain or running a marathon. Baby steps.
19)                 Depression will lie to you. Depression will try to tell you what others are thinking. That you are unloved and unworthy, that others think little of you or donât care â or even wish you harm. You are not a psychic. Keep repeating that. âI am not a psychicâ. Repeat. The only way to know what another person is thinking is to up and ask them.
20)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â If you are well and truly losing this battle, reach out to someone. Iâve been the random friendly-but-not-close person who has fielded the occasional outreach. I like to think Iâm not judgemental and generally resourceful, and others have thought the same, so they called and asked. You know someone like me. And they will help you.
21)                 Forgive yourself. Iâm writing out all these tips, and I canât always muster the strength to even stick my nose outside, or walk up the stairs, or eat my vegetables. Today, I got outside for ten minutes. I will try again tomorrow. And I will try again the day after that.
This list will not cure you. This list will not flip on the happy switch. God, I wish it were that easy. The theme here is to not to unknowingly sabotage yourself. All these little things? Like your blood sugar, or watching nonstop episodes of House, or endless Try Harder lectures from your Perpetually Perky sister?
They all make dealing with depression just a tiny bit harder than it needs to be. And itâs hard enough, all on its own.
(New: Downloadable, printable, nonsweary version of the 21 tips here.)
UPDATE: Wow, guys. Thank you. The feedback has been wonderful - all I wanted to set out to do was something helpful.
For those of you who want to see the original rant, Here it is.. www.diycouturier.com/post/41923259437/to-the-person-who-wrote-21-habits-âŚ
And hereâs the response to my response (?) - basically, after posting my retort, the happy people came at me with torches all over the interwebs.
www.diycouturier.com/post/42465364887/trollin-trollin-trollin#_=_
Also, a few people have mentioned that having a critter is a great thing to keep you on track, that taking care of something and having something rely on you keeps you going. I went back and forth on including that, but for some, itâs just not feasible to have a cat or a dog⌠but my cat is my Prozac.
And, I wrote this in Canada, where we have universal health care. It breaks my heart that people donât have access to professional support. You can sometimes find a community health centre, or sometimes your work benefits will have an employee support or assistance plan as part of your insurance. If youâre without benefits and hitting desperation, phone someone. Friend, family - even your local distress centre.
Stay well, my melancholic interweb friendsâŚxoRR
ANOTHER UPDATE six weeks or so laterâŚ
This - um, wow. I dropped off for a while - stuff, life, illness management boring blah blah - and this sucker is *still* flying around. I googled this, and itâs all over hellâs half acre, which is amazing, and I still canât quite believe itâŚ
Iâm STILL getting lovely emails and messages - thank you so much. Iâm just awed by your response.
On the Funny Note - a lot of people reposting this seem to think Iâm male, which is wildly entertaining⌠because I work in sex and gender health policy issues⌠but I donât really care how you gender me, so long as weâre talking.
Nov 15 2013 - Update again. THANK YOU.
NOTE: This work is under a creative common copyright. Feel free to discuss, but someone recently blogged her own âwordsâ to each point without crediting me. Iâve put them out there under this type of copyright so they can be shared because I want to help, but please, donât alter my work. ThanksâŚ
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