Alex Nomichit

I thought I found a girl who was into me for real this time. I’ve had a huge crush on her for a while. It’s maybe been a year or 2 since I started following her on Instagram. And this week, it’s the first time I’m actually talking to her. We texted back and forth. I’m trying to reciprocate the energy. I read her texts and reply the same way she would. Texting with emojis, multiple texts on one side of messaging. And I’m trying to be normal but I guess my feelings is starting to come forward a lot. I feel like I’m coming in too strong. Plus I still haven’t told her I liked her yet. Is it me? Is my feelings showing that bad? Or maybe it’s her that she don’t wanna get hurt? Maybe she’s reading that I’m coming on strong? I really don’t know. I thought she was into me cause I’m one of her texts, she sends a kiss emoji. That’s a hint right?! Like a friend wouldn’t normally send a kiss emoji! Right?! Like we’re messaging back and forth, she’s hearting some of my messages! Am I overthinking it? Should I give her a little space? That’s what my gut feeling is telling me. I don’t even know anymore. Girls are hard to read and I’m getting tired of it. I’m always getting constantly hurt with my own heart and mind and it’s frustrating. I just turned 25 and I’m just trying to find a wife. Im so into her. All I wanna do it is just chat and talk to her. And I wanna tell her how I feel until this one project we’re in on together is done. Also forgot to mention, she’s in Cali and she got trust issues too. I thought I found the one person who can enter my life and be the potential to become something greater. Im seriously getting tired of it. Nobody gives me a chance to love them the way I want to. She’s been in my head living rent free for the past week. I really can’t do this no more. Im gonna go back to shutting everybody off. Everybody in the world is gonna be closed off from me. Im so tired of it. I can’t do this anymore…

It’s been 3 years since my breakup with my ex. My life has been ok. It’s not my best life like it was back then. Ever since my breakup, everything went down hill. I lost all the friends I have made within the midwest, I chased my music career and nobody supports me, my newer best friends moved out of states, I don’t anybody close to me anymore. I thought if I joined a certain community, I would be able to fit in. I thought if I changed who I was from being raised in a black community and assimilate into a filipino/ white raised community, I would be able to fit in. I guess not. I’ve always been different from the start. Why try and fit in? It’s easier being different and have people look at you differently. But at the same time, why is it that your “friends” that you make don’t support you on what you wanna do? Some friends right? Why is society like that? I’m happy people showed me their true colors. It gave me the mindset to kick out the toxic people and remain on my own. I don’t need these “friends” to help build my music career. I’ll do it on my own. No help from my “friends.” I have my label. They’re my family and they’ll back me up no matter what. Forget the midwest. I wanna move to the west coast. I shouldn’t have been born in this area. I wanna be somewhere else. A friend from the west coast even told me, “you wanna pursue music but don’t like it here? You were born in the right time but the wrong area.” I really felt that. I never liked Toledo. I have the weather and the work environment. I wanna pursue my music career somewhere else. I actually wanna be that rapper that have “people come up to them like they know them.” Just so I can say, “who tf are you?” I wanna do that to people who were fake to me. You didn’t support me so why would I need y’all in my life? FOH.

A big thing that hurts me so much is when you break up with your ex recently and you go back to being friends again. Just this past weekend, my ex comes down for a trip with my school and she sleeps in my room. In the beginning of our relationship, I planned for her to come to my house and sleep together in the same bed. But not this time. This time she's sleeping on the floor along with 3 of my other friends because I'm housing multiple people. It's awkward for me cause every time I look at her, I can't help but think that she's my ex and we had a relationship. Every time I talk to her, it's a normal conversation. I can't hug her the same way I used to, I can't kiss her anymore, I can't look at her the same way. I hurts that we're back to being friends. I mean I liked her a lot but we broke up because she wanted to focus on school. I can't keep my mind off it. A lot of people knew we were dating for a certain reason. But now I have to say that we're not dating anymore. I hate talking about it. You ever think about the comparison and differences on guys and girls break up? The girl cries when they first break up and a month later, she's back to normal. As for the guy, the first day they're free and a month later, he's sad because he wants her back. That's how I feel. I want her back in my life as my girlfriend. I kiss her sometimes. Low key, I still have our pictures we have together but it's stored in a vault so I don't look at it in my camera roll. So now, I have to focus on myself again. Same thing I've been doing the past 4 years before I was in a relationship. It's harder now cause she's constantly going to be in my life as a friend and I have to see her so often. It hurts so much. I don't like her talking to guys, even her guy friends that she's close with. But I can't say anything about that cause it'll make me look bad. I just have to bare with it and search for another girl to be with. Dating is hard for me. I keep making bad decisions in relationships. I'm still new to dating. I don't know if I'll be good enough for a girl. Maybe I can find someone who can take me as I am.

I finally find me a nice girl that can reciprocate my feelings. She even had feelings for me. But then one day, she makes the decision to break it off. The only factor that comes into play is distance. We are 5 hours away from each other. I'm happy that we met each other, got to know one another and talked for the time being. I'd be even happier if I was in a relationship with her. But now it's over. She doesn't want a long distance relationship and I just have to bare with it. Now she has to live her life and I have to live mine. I still just wished that I kissed her then when I first met her. I had the chance but she brushed me off because she didn't want me to kiss her and I said, "ok." This is another giant regret that is added to the long list of regrets I have. Honestly, I still like her and I'm going to continue liking her but we just can't be together. I'm sad that she didn't want to even try and make it work. But I just have to move from it and be who I was before. A man who is enjoying the single life, stress free and only has to worry what has to be done.

11-12-16 • I was so happy to experience my first FACT with FAA. Going through my first workshop, Kundiman, made me open a barrier that I normally kept hidden. There were only a select few that seen me a certain way that morning. That workshop changed me a little bit on the inside. Then experiencing the rest of the day was pretty interesting. I got more and more involved in my workshops. I was speaking my mind more than I usually do. Doing that shows that I was interested in the activity I was doing. Plus I got to meet more people than expected. Pretty sure I forgot a lot of people's names already 😅 but overall, I'm having FACT withdrawals and I miss my MAFA family already. I'm glad I got to experience this journey with this group of people #MAFA #FAAmily #family #filipino #FACT #FACT2016 #UTFAA (at Champaign, Illinois)

Why am I putting up with all this bullshit? Why is it that every time you're out doing something, I worry about you? Why did you tell me that you're going to find someone when I'm talking to you? Why do you always put me through so much anxiety? Why does it feel like that you like me but at the same time, you don't? Why am I still chasing you? Why did I think that you like me? Why do I have this urge to go over and tell you what I feel? . . . . . It's all because I really like you. And I put a place in my heart for you. But you don't seem to give anything to me. It's only a one-sided love right now.

That I am currently talking to. That I have common interests with. Who's smile makes my day bright. Who I want to see every day. That makes me want to drive an hour and a half to see. That's always cute and pretty. Who I feel can have a great relationship with. Who I can spend all of my time with. That I want to worry about all the time. That I'm totally crushing on. Who's on my mind all the time. Who I think about every day. That I want to be close with. That I want to hug and kiss all the time. That I hope to be my girlfriend. Who I want to like me back. That my eyes are always on. That I don't want another guy talking to her. That I'm crazy for. That I talk about all the time. That I really like. That doesn't know I like her. That doesn't know that I have a huge crush on her. That doesn't know how much I care for her. That doesn't know how I feel. I really like her. And it's just hard for me to tell her because I don't know how to even do it. I'm too scare for the answer I'll even get out of her. I want to just tell her and let her know how I feel before she leaves the country for possibly a year.

3.12.16 | All the brothers and sister that went to Wayne State's PCN #PCN #Phillipino #PhillipineCultureNight #WayneStateUniversity #FAAmily #UToledo

I want to tell you that... I like you. I want to tell you that... I want to spend all of my time with you. I want to tell you that... you're in my mind 24/7. I want to tell you that... every time I think of you, I always smile. I want to tell you that... I want to be in a relationship with you even though we're only a few hours apart. I want to tell you that... I'm worried you'll find another person and like him more. I want to tell you that... I'm worried that you won't reciprocate my feelings. I want to tell you that... I don't want to wait. I want to tell you that... I want you to be mine now. I want to tell you that... I don't want you to feel lonely. I want to tell you that... I want to be the one guy in your life. I want to tell you that... You always get me flustered. I want to tell you that... You make my heart race. I want to tell you that... I like the way you talk. I want to tell you that... I like the way you're cute. I want to tell you that... You are cute. I want to tell you that... I want you to be with me. I want to tell you that... I like talking to you. I want to tell you that... I want to talk to you everyday but you respond so late. I want to tell you that... I just want to tell you how I feel. I want to tell you that... I want to tell you that... I want to tell you that... I like you... ... A lot...