Alexis Luthor

You do not know me. You will never know me. I am too interesting to know. 

However, I am taking a break from my regularly scheduled existence to bring this piece of critical writing regarding Law and Order SVU forth. You did not ask for this analysis, nor do you probably need it, and yet here it is. 

I have waited eleventy-seven-trillion years to see Olivia J. Benson (I have no idea what her middle name is) kiss Elliot Washboard-Abs Stabler. 

I began watching Law and Order SVU as a hatchling. Was it appropriate for me to watch as a teenager? No. Did I care? Also, no. I fell in love with Olivia immediately because she’s a gorgeous badass who cares about victims and putting the criminals in the slammer. And Elliot, with his barely constrained anger issues and crumbling marriage was always one table knuckle-rap away from beating up a ped0phile which is what we all want. 

I have watched their relationship wax and wane. It was hot. It was cold. It was lukewarm. And slowly the slow burn turned into something more adjacent to accidentally leaving a stovetop burner on. 

Are you aware that the house may burn down? Do you grasp the desire and intensity with which the fandom aches to see our star-crossed lovers ACTUALLY BE LOVERS? Sir, I don’t know if you know this, but I grew up watching JAG. Now I don’t know what you know about military dramas, but I waited TEN FRICK FRACKING YEARS to see HARMON RABB JR. make out with COLONEL MACKENZIE. I was the ONLY eleven-year-old obsessed with military justice and the Judge Advocate General. 

They made me wait ten years and you know what? I was incensed, and not the nice smelling kind. In the end, they had them get together. For a while I was almost happy. And then? They brought them back in the 2010’s just to break them up. 

Sir, I cannot take any more heartbreak. I’m already 36, single, neurodivergent, have autism and ADHD and am an artist and a writer. Have we all not suffered enough? 

The clock is ticking. Time is a cruel mistress that pushes us all off the cliff’s edge and I mean no offense, but the thought of seeing Mariska and Chris make out in their 90s is not as appealing. It’s sweet? In a Hallmark, apple pie, I broke of the ‘E’ in a Live Laugh Love ornament kind of way. But we’re a sick bunch of weirdos sir and we need to see them at least kiss. We’re not asking for an Only Fans. Just ONE KISS. ONE wrap up. 

Sir, I am now having dreams where my imagination is closing plot arcs, character development and continuity gaps. I am but a minnow in the vast SVU ocean and I know that you have a hundred Law and Order babies to tend to. But the only - the only - one I care about, is this baby. And I’ve fed this baby and swaddled it and written the AO3 fanfiction for it and now the time has come. 

I’m a studious a**hole. In fact, I’m in Mensa. Some would dare say that I am smart. I could have approached this essay with formality, making it read like a lawyer’s closing argument but where is the fun in that? Where is the whimsy? We are lacking whimsy sir. We are lacking. We are hungry. We are tired. Even Chris and Mariska want their characters to be together if I’m not mistaken. 

I have lifted this torch and I shall not set it down until either 1) you read this 2) Mariska reads this 3) Chris reads this. Just one of you. And listen, I’m not making outrageous demands. I’m not insisting that Olivia cut her hair back to the early seasons and live the lesbian fantasy with Cabbot. I’m not pushing to see Barba shirtless, which I’ve always wanted. I’m not begging for a Rollins spin off where she goes down to Georgia to pursue being a badass southern sleuth even though I’d love to see it. 

I’m not naive. I know there’s politics and money and all sorts of bull-shittery involved. But can’t we all just come together and put our petty differences and bank accounts aside to satiate the starved appetites of 500 million viewers (again, not a real statistic). 

Mariska Hargitay is gawt-damned national treasure. Joyful Heart? Incredible. Broadway?! Shut up. My Mother Jayne? Unreal. This woman deserves to be rewarded. Perhaps with the sensually plush lips of Stabler?

And poor freaking Stabler. Is a mixer? Sure. Is he a trouble maker? Possibly. Why do you think we’re all over here panting over him? 

This is serious. I don’t even ship straight characters 99.9% of the time because the heteronormative bar is in hell in television. And movies. And books. And real life. 

But gosh damn do I want these two to be together. So this is my plea to you. Chris Meloni is also a national treasure. He is the only man I would consider marrying, which is why I’m still single. And he deserves to have his happy ending and a solid wrap up for the show he dedicated his prime years of youth and near-middle age to. Regardless of how anyone feels about him, whether the behind the scenes people like him or hate him or whatever. The fans love him. The fans need him. 

Give us the happy ending we need. If not for you, then for me.