online diary to accept myself

29th October 2021

Today I figured out one of the key things about myself.

Something that I wondered for a long time and something that led me astray from where I meant to go and be.

Turns out that all the things that constantly were in my life before as a flashes here and there aren’t something that I should pursue and chase in this life.

But they’re an echoes of my past life. The South Node.

I accept the thought of that.

And in this life I can put to use what I already have to find my path of this life. “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” I’m on my way there. To the North Node.

I’ve also figured out that  just to live without having such thoughts is too mundane for me. It might lead to something unspeakable, but I need it like fresh air. This is where I openly not gonna rationalise it and work psychologically on it. 

20 feb 2021

I moved out of my past place with relatives! And now I live alone!!!

Only one week later I started to realise what is happening. I started to feel less strained, tense and all that kind of stuff, like I lived at the last place for so long, it started to drain me out and living there was a major set back. Which leads me to conclusion: I can’t live at the same place for too long (like 5-7 years). Around the same group of people too...

I still wanna live somewhere in the woods of Canada with the local community tho...

All that being said, I am starting to feel more inner energy within myself. Means I feel and act more active, I have a brighter mind now.

I started to do Chloe Ting 2 week program! *flexing non existent bicep*

I started to meditate, especially when there is sun.

I do sometimes have suicidal thoughts about how my life has no meaning, no goals etc. But today I remembered the saying and mediated myself with it: “The Samurai has no goal, only a path.” So path we go...No goals...

About having to do something in life: Before I used to have a lot of hobbies, interests, exiting stuff to do. But I burnt out. And now I might be interested in something, but I have no wish to do anything and participate in it. But despite all of that inner state I have my job promotion, so I will be doing new things.  I am going to my parents for vacation. And I signed up to go to the home decor craft event to do candles and flower pieces. I’ll see how it’ll go )))

My body and looks: I figured out that I need more mirrors at my apartment, coz I completely detached from how I look like and state of more body. I know it is usually should be the other way around, but my body image in my head is a complete delusion from what it is actually. Also I thought of going shopping as a therapy to bring myself preception back, it’s been A WHILE since I focused on my wardrobe.

That are all the news for  now ^^

31 jan 2021

I’ve talked about my phisycal changes and plans before, but now I will talk about just how it’s going.

I am reading book on mother-daughter relationships and I had a mind blowing insights from it.

For example I figured out why I had suicidal tendencies and thoughts, and where all that was from.  

I also figured out why I am “forever alone”, I am absolutely ok with letting people and possessions go from my life, and not in a nice way like “if you love me let me go”, but also in a way “I’m done here, you can go fuck yourself”.

And why I am not worrying about having my own place to live (like buying it). 

It feels like I hacked myself and unlocked new levels.

Would be cool to unlock info about my anger issues)))

I booked flight to my parents to the South of the country.

I am tired of avoiding my mom, so I’ll grow a pair.  And I wanna see my lil sis <3  And change location and have some traveling experience with this pandemic.

My food habits are non existant. I can eat oats in the morning, and last the rest of the day on bag of chips and some fruits. Not cool, but I “feel like it”.

I finished a course of collagen vitamins. Now, due to my state, I am taking Mg B6.

Because this month was a lot of work...Like job shifts. So I am physically tired af. I can feel my eyebags, I also got an eye tik...

I need to develop a new attitude and vision on my current job. Coz what I have now is not healthy for me. I could say that it is a job I should change, but I would have the same reactions to a the new one as well. So - I’m gonna work on that.

Speaking about job- I asked for promotion, and my boss is willing to give it to me. Some entirely new experience for me- asking better for myself from someone. I’ll see how it goes.

Asking better for myself from myself is a different thing tho. I AM MOVING! I mean I am changing apartment where I live now- with my grandparents on my father’s side, to live alone \0/. 

In the city centre!!! In such a beauty and atmosphere of the old architecture...and vibes...and...And I am elated! 

Renovations might be a little bit of a bitch resource-wise, but I  am absolutely stoked about it! 

 Can’t wait to enjoy 24\7 walks in the sun in the centre of the old town ^^ 

20 jan 2021

I finished with brows

I did lashes

I don’t do any exercise

I eat comfortably (including junk)

Now I am at the state that I don’t want to do anything...

I don’t feel like doing tattoo removal and ears this month and the next/

I think I need to chill a bit...My inner resources are not there

7 jan 2021

I decided to finally put on the shapefit turtleneck, that I bought !!!4!!! years ago, and was like: “It’ll be cute, when I’ll lose some weight”. Well I didn’t!

 And today I still put it on! And I feel good about myself!

A new level of self acceptance, baby!

It’s dark green btw.