Made Up Places In My Head

Maiden: Yes. I need your help.

Witch: Unwanted baby?

Maiden: No?

Witch: Want someone dead?

Maiden: What? Of course not.

Witch: That's all I know how to do. What do you need?

Maiden: I'm starting to see why you were shunned from the village.

Witch: Yes, I've killed a lot of people. What do you need?

Maiden: There's a pox in the village.

Witch: It wasn't me this time.

Maiden: I know. Can you fix it or not?

Witch: No. I'm not licensed for that.

Maiden: What do you mean you're not licensed for that?

Witch: I got kicked out of the herbalist's coven.

Maiden: For killing people?

Witch: For killing people.

Maiden: Great, now what do I do? There isn't another witch for at least three towns over.

Witch: And he's an enchanter blacksmith type. Makes protective amulets and beefs up swords. Makes really good horseshoes. Can't fix poxes. Makes a mean rabbit stew though. And...

Maiden: And is very good at sex and hard to kill, yes everyone knows that. You tell us repeatedly. Even though we kicked you out.

Witch: It's important. How are you not dead yet, by the way? You're an adult and you haven't bought anything yet so you should be dead by now.

Maiden: I'm not into people that way. Your weird sex based spells don't work on me. That's why I'm the one that came.

Witch: I would branch out but I'm barred from taking more classes at the guild. Because of the murder.

Maiden: Right, well I'm gonna go before you poison me.

Witch: What about the pox?

Maiden: I do have a mild form of it so you've been exposed too. Someone of your age is much more likely to die from it.

Witch: What?

Enchanter: One second. (throws a sword over his shoulder where it crashes into several metal tools and starts glowing)

Enchanter: Okay, what do you need?

Maiden: There's a pox in my town.

Enchanter: (pulls an amulet out of his pocket and holds it over her head)

Enchanter: You don't seem to have it, but it's touched you.

Maiden: I got better. Can you help?

Enchanter: I enchant swords. Why are you visiting me?

Maiden: Because the only witch in our town is...

Enchanter: Wait, don't tell me. Are you from Ravenfalls?

Maiden: Yeah.

Enchanter: Tabatha. Of course. That quack.

Maiden: She only kills people and does abortions.

Enchanter: Oh no she doesn't do abortions. She just drowns babies. I don't even think she knows what a fetus is.

Maiden: Oh.

Enchanter: Yeah. Terrible cook too. Normally herbalists are pretty good at cooking but she's just...

Maiden: The worst. I know. Do you at least know who can help? All of our elders and babies are dropping off like flies. People are strapping chickens to their arms. It's a mess.

Enchanter: (clicks tongue a few times) The nearest guy that specializes in pox is in the mountains. Not the coast range but the big angry looking pointy ones to the east. What were those called again?

Maiden: The Death Mountains?

Enchanter: Yeah, those. Unfortunate name, really. They're almost tolerable in the spring and summer. Don't know why they live there though.

Maiden: Can you teleport me there?

Enchanter: Why do people always ask that? Look I don't know what you've been hearing from Tabatha or traveling merchants but that's not safe for living creatures.

Maiden: Then what do I do? By the time I get back half the population will either be dead or still have birds strapped to their arms.

Enchanter: I hate to suggest this but you could like... with a shapeshifting dragon? And then ask for a wish?

Maiden: I'm not into people or dragons that way.

Herbalist: Come a very long way to see me. I know.

Maiden: How did you...

Herbalist: Everyone says that. Come sit. Do you like tea?

Maiden: I don't have time for tea. My village has a pox.

Herbalist: Which pox?

Maiden: It's mostly affecting older people and it's... purple.

Herbalist: Oh. What shade of purple?

Maiden: Very bright.

Herbalist: Oh, that's not a pox. That's a curse. Or a curse mixed with a usually just annoying pox. Someone in your area has probably pissed someone off.

Maiden: I'm from Ravenfalls.

Herbalist: In that case I think we can both guess who brought forth someone's ire. Who created it though, still remains a mystery. In any case, you can buy this bag of weeds and instruct people to boil them in small batches and inhale the steam. It won't cure anything, but it will most likely help people breathe better, which may help them survive long enough to fight it off.

Maiden: What do I do about Tabatha and the people strapping chickens to their arms?

Herbalist: My dear, some things can't be fixed completely. Plant this all over your town though and Tabatha will most likely avoid you. You can have these for free.

Maiden: I'm not going to bring some magic plant into town unless I know what it is.

Herbalist: Oh, it's not very magic. It's a cedar tree I've enchanted to grow very quickly. She's deathly allergic to cedar wood and pollen.

Maiden: Oh.

Herbalist: I really can't do anything for the chickens though. People will do strange things when they're desperate.

Maiden: Will I ever know who cursed us?

Herbalist: You may or may not. Wile you're here though, would you care to buy a love potion?

Maiden: I'm not into people that way.

Herbalist: You wouldn't fit in at the witches guild then. That's why most of us go in. It's a very good profession for swingers.

Maiden: That's why I went into city government. Well, thank you for all that.

Herbalist: And thank you for visiting. Tell the enchanter that I said hi and tell Tabatha to take a hike for me.

Maiden: Enchanter? What are you doing here?

Enchanter: My name is John.

Maiden: It feels weird to call you that. You're the magic blacksmith I met on my quest.

Enchanter: I understand. So do you know who I'd talk to about renting a lot here?

Maiden: For what purpose? Oh, right. Me. Talk to me about it. I manage Lord Raven's lots and do logging and hunting permits and collect rent and whatnot

Enchanter: I want to set up my shop here. Business is better here for weapons and ever since she moved out, well...

Maiden: Was she after you?

Enchanter: She was under the impression that we were still married.

Maiden: Yes, she definitely was. Well, I think I can set you up. The village will benefit from having a reputable witch nearby. I'll get you in contact with a carpenter and scout out a spot for you.

Enchanter: Wait, I have something for you.

Maiden: An amulet?

Enchanter: For keeping away unwanted romantic advances.

Maiden: (covers her mouth and starts crying just a little bit)

Maiden: Sir, I can't...

Enchanter: You drove away a person that made my life a living hell for years. You saved your town. You drove out a murderer. You went into the Death Mountains in the middle of the winter. Take it.

Maiden: (takes it) John, did I ever tell you when we met that I desperately wanted to become friends with you?

Enchanter: No, but once I'm moved in I think we can give it a try.

No one, *ever*, tried to persuade me to transition.

the following events ensued:

1. predictable lively discussion on the preparation of Wienerschnitzel, in which natives and wurstaboos are pro-puff and everybody else is like *confused dog head tilt* why wouldn’t you want the crust to stay ~attached to the thing you put it on? as with other fried foods?

2. thirty “Bad Schnitzel is my band name” jokes

3. thirty “Bad Schnitzel is my stripper name” jokes

4. one “ah yes, Bad Schnitzel! a lovely spa town” joke

5. this absolute masterpiece:

Chef (voiceover): I'm a private chef for a famous billionaire and here's the average meal I cook. I start with chopping some green onions and shredding cabbage, and then I get it into that wok, then I keep chopping some -

Kaiba: Dammit. I lost to him again.

Chef: Oh Mr. Kaiba, welcome home s-

Kaiba: Quiet! Blue Eyes white Dragon nuggies. Now.

Chef: But sir, th-this is the fourth time -

Kaiba: No questions! Just do it.

Chef: *heavy sigh*