Karlin

and like. how am i supposed to have faith that things will work out? that my issues with my faith will be solved? i can tell myself but i dont believe it. I dont know what i believe tbh. i believe that being sober is better than being drunk. i cant do this 12 step shit without a god. it doesn't fucking work. i am running on a 2 foot wide platform above a bottomless pit and i cannot see the safety net and i just have to believe there is one except i cant imagine why there would be one because of all the times i have fallen in other bottomless pits. and maybe the fact that I've survived up until now should make me feel comforted. except for the fact that it could all just be chance. it could be god playing with me. and what if he doesn't want to catch me this time? and supposedly any higher power can work except for me its not fucking worth it if i don't feel anything. what the hell is the point of being sober if i still wanna do all the things that I can't do? if i still don't feel safe? if i feel like i have to keep running? i know that there is a higher high out there that you only get from being sober and connecting to a higher power. but I can't fucking connect and i know i know it takes time and im a selfish alcoholic that wants things right now but you know what i could do right now? find a fucking shotgun and put a bullet in my brain. or a gram of fentanyl straight into my neck from a hooker on [redacted highway known for drugs and hookers in my area.] and a couple nights ago i thought maybe svicide itself could be my higher power. but i did like an hour of thinking and no it can't be even though i have faith in it and even though i think it'll give me a daily reprieve. because i cant pray to it because svicide is cold and lifeless and doesnt give a single shit about me. but if svicide is what gets me closest to God then maybe i should just fucking do it. but i cant i cant i cant and i stare at this bottle of pills on my bedside table and i stare and i think about what it would be like for everyone else and how things could get better. theres a chance that everything could get better. but i dont know if i believe in that chance. i dont fucking know i really don't fucking know. and i wanna cry but i cant cus im so fucking numb.

It's 6am and I'm writing about line cooking again because I don't know how to talk about the rest of it. I have a new job in a high stress kitchen again. I'm in high volume fine dining again. It's so busy and so exhausting that I almost threw up on my walk to the train a few days ago. It's so busy I haven't been able to think about it all for the past 5 days.

I'm afraid of the weekend. I'm afraid of who I am and what I feel when I'm not at work. I'm afraid of this feeling. I'm afraid that I can't outrun this feeling that I'm just going to keep losing my friends. I keep thinking, "he could have called any of us." any of us would have picked up. I know we don't talk as much anymore, but everyone picked up the phone when I called to tell them. It had been years for a few of them. How many has it been? Out of the 60 of us, how many more? I grieve everyone at the same time. I think the number is at least 7 now, that we know of. 7 futures we'll never see.

I can't find the words. I don't want words. I want him to have called me.

I'm in a new house, with a new job, living with new people, and yet everything is still the same. My friends are still killing themselves. I search for meaning and the only place I can find it is on the line. I search for myself and I find him in front of a ticket machine. I met God and he looks like the burns on my arms and the cuts on my knuckles. I abuse my body to feed my soul.

The “getting it done in an unconventional way” method.

The “it’s not cheating to do it the easy way” method.

The “fuck what you’re supposed to do” method.

The “get stuff done while you wait” method.

The “you don’t have to do everything at once” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be permanent to be helpful” method.

The “break the task into smaller steps” method.

The “treat yourself like a pet” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” method.

The “put on a persona” method.

The “act like you’re filming a tutorial” method.

The “you don’t have to do it perfectly” method.

The “wait for a trigger” method.

The “do it for your future self” method.

The “might as well” method.

The “when self discipline doesn’t cut it” method.

The “taking care of yourself to take care of your pet” method.

The “make it easy” method.

The “junebugging” method.

The “just show up” method.

The “accept when you need help” method.

The “make it into a game” method.

The “everything worth doing is worth doing poorly” method.

The “trick yourself” method.

The “break it into even smaller steps” method.

The “let go of should” method.

The “your body is an animal you have to take care of” method.

The “fork theory” method.