#workaholism

This isn't the promised post about the parallels in Dorothy's relationships with Joyce and Walky (they exist! Honest!). This is drilling down a little into the more recent detail of Dorothy's disintegration and the specific path she's taken that makes Joyce central to the new self she's beginning to build. It's a long way from the whole of this story, but focuses on a few key moments that draw many threads together at once.

Everything that follows comes from Book 14, chapter 1: 'Everybody's looking for Nothing.'

Many times, I have seen posts in this community explaining how feedism helped them heal from an ED, and those are always beautiful to see. But I haven't seen anything on the relationship between feedism and workaholism yet, and I believe there is also a healing potential in feedism when it comes to that.

Growing up, I was programmed to be a workaholic. Taking a rest in the middle of your duties was not an option; naps were prohibited unless you were sick. Rest itself was almost always labelled "lazy" unless it was also "edifying" and "productive"; sleeping in was a crime (waking up any time later than 9am was an absolute disaster, between 6 and 7 was the best). Someone staying in bed for a whole day on their day off was presented to me as an example of a failure in life: after all, they could be cleaning the whole house! Or running!

This, combined with my "gifted child syndrome", also known as undiagnosed autism, was my absolute undoing leading to burnout. I won't go into detail, but it was pretty bad. It was literally only within the last year of my life that I allowed myself to sleep past 10am (!). Literally for the first time in my life.

A variety of factors helped me to loosen up more, but feedism was a chief of them. Feedism, at its core, is anti-workaholic: you refuse to work more; instead, you eat all the delicious food. You choose what society deems as "laziness": you sleep in, you stay in bed, you eat a large meal and then you take a nap. As you gain weight, your body becomes programmed to be slower, to rest more, to require more self-care.

Valued employee,

I hope you are doing well during what I understand is a difficult time. We were very sorry to hear about your passing. 

Please understand that the circumstances around your death have caused several issues for the company, and unfortunately a formal disciplinary hearing has been called. Your attendance is mandatory. 

As you are well aware, our company offers a health insurance package. There is no reason that you should be in such poor health that you would die. You’ll notice that no other members of our team have complained about a “heart attack.” You should be taking full advantage of your company health insurance, and your inability to maintain your health is not Scion Firm & Marketing Agency’s responsibility. 

Secondly, you were found deceased at your work station before opening on Friday morning. 

The coroner reported your death sometime after midnight on Thursday evening, meaning you were in the building long after closing hours, working unauthorized overtime. Records show you clocked out at the end of your agreed-upon overtime (7:00), but your work log shows you continued to work on the project until your demise. After-hours work is prohibited for safety reasons. The discovery of your corpse and the undue scrutiny it has brought to Scion Firm & Marketing Agency creates a negative (and inaccurate) image of our policies and work culture.

The employees who found your body have been offered therapy services, which drain our resources. Two more employees are taking bereavement leave due to your negligence. 

Understand that in normal circumstances, this is grounds for termination. However, the importance of this rebrand project is paramount to our company’s good standing with our (most important) client. Due to your role as the project lead, your employment will continue. 

Your request for leave has been denied. According to our written policy, your own death does not constitute grounds for bereavement leave. 

We expect you to show the rest of your team that you are in high spirits and good morale tomorrow. There are unproductive rumors circulating about your death being due to high stress and extreme pressure from the company, which is, as you know, completely false. Any indication otherwise is a blatant lie. 

Finally, various complaints have been made about you over the past several days. Employees have reported an unpleasant and distracting odor coming from your work station. Your vacant, bulging, milky stare has been described by multiple individuals as “creepy.” The fluid stains on the carpet are a health hazard and a detriment to our company’s chic modern aesthetic. 

While you finish your business under our employ, be advised that rotting, leaking, or decomposing in any manner is prohibited. If you are unable to meet these standards, the (considerable) cost of taxidermy services will be charged to your account. 

Thank you for understanding. There is no way out for you, valued employee. If you have any questions, please contact our HR department.

gave me a good resume

made me accomplish more

allows me to continuously set the bar higher and higher

zeroed out my sex drive and worked really well as a fix for hypersexuality

increased my cortisol levels and made me constantly stressed

weakened my immune system

permanently changed my body (long term stomach issues)

"Discover how the Moon in the 10th House influences your public persona, emotional depth, career choices, and leadership style."

Sometimes when trying to climb out of a mental health hole and seeking advice or giving other people advice on how to climb out of a mental health hole, the advice just plain won't work.

Which is frustrating! Especially if it seems like good advice (and it even might be!)! And personally, I think sometimes the problem isn't even necessarily that it's the wrong advice, sometimes the problem is that it's secretly Step Five and not Step Zero.

To give an example:

"Write down your emotions three times a day" is, generally, good advice when you want to figure out what's up with you over a longer period of time (e.g. to figure out if your emotions change with your menstruation cycle if you have one. If certain people or situations tend to provoke the same reactions in you, stuff like that).

But what goes unexamined is that to do that, you need to understand your emotions to begin with. You need to have the courage to feel your emotions. You need the scheduling ability and executive function to put down words reliably. So you would have to learn what lack of skill keeps you from that first. Putting your emotions into a diary is like, Step 3, not Step 0.

At some point I recognized I had anxiety and workaholism (shout-out to past me sitting in the waiting room for my psychologist's office whom I visited for guidance on how to relax and spending every moment doing flash cards on calculus, a subject I did not study and seeing nothing wrong with that). And my solution wasn't "recognize your self-worth as a person isn't tied to your productivity", it was more like...

recognize your bf stops working at some point of the day, unlike you -> start having a pause at the end of the day because you want to spend time with bf -> oh wow I'm slightly less anxious -> now that I am less anxious I'm realizing how anxious I am, this sucks -> hm, is what I'm doing actually an effective use of my time? I haven't been that successful for how much work I put in -> wait, if I want to be successful to be happy but sacrifice my happiness right now but success won't guarantee happiness... -> okay maybe it's okay if I don't work as hard as I do...?

... spread out over multiple years. I am now able to better disconnect my self-worth form my productivity, but it's like, step 20 (and still ongoing, btw).

Mental health is a skill made up of many smaller skills. To some these skills come easily, to others it doesn't, some people have a deeper hole than others to climb out of and some people are actively getting pelted by rocks while they do it.