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I would drown in this, willingly,

I feel empty, which I mistook for being horny, which i now believe I was not. No effect after doing that chore. Just wasted quite an amount of time looking for 'text resources'.

I'm already sleep deprived this week. Still I couldn't get myself to sleep. I feel alone and empty(?). The thought that no one would love me, and which gets intense after reading a variety of romance fics, of every kind.

I started reading romances to fill up the "hole in my heart" or gut in my high school days. Read so much (nonsenses) that it further dug a deeper hole in my gut (yes, gut. I'm heartless, baby). Made me more angst or inferior of myself or something. At times, I'm numb to any feelings, but at weirdly random moments, I feel so lonely like, it gets me in daze.

....

Damn, I love both these characters. Like, so awesome. The protag, Sakuta, I really love his character, like, he's really subtle. It's like he's mature but still a pervert. His spontaneous words, most of the time pitting the heroine to get "angry" at him for being that clingy, or not clingy, more like, he expresses his "want" for the heroine wherever he gets the opportunity.

And Mai senpai's reactions are so damn cool and cute as well. Really love this pair. Love their relationship dynamics.

So far I like it. Even though Draco is being overall kind, I feel that it doesn't feel disharmony with the character. Like, in this fic, he's around 30, and he feels rude, but is soft, it just shows he matured, unlike the teen Draco who is full of thorns. I feel like I'm disagreeing with my previous rant, but the character growth of Draco felt smooth. I didn't find it particularly revolting. Maybe because Hermione is being an even more bitchy that I ignore Draco being kind, or it is just smooth character development.

The fic is nice, it would've been satisfying if it was completed, as I binge read novels.

<the irony>

I don't read much dramione, even though I love dramione, because of the dynamics. I want Hermione to be crazy. Not the right wording. I want Hermione to be not-goody-two-shoes. I want her to be selfish and like, powerful (idk exactly). Many dramione I come across potray her as very nice (as she really is, I'm just dark, idk, I want Hermione to be black hearted too). Even Hermione is fine, but Draco. Really mates. Like, Draco is bitchy. That's the definition of Draco. He's so full of thorns. Maybe he's vulnerable (depends on the author's talent to express it in a right way). But in many fics, Draco becomes a good softy. Meh.

What I love about this ship is Draco being rude and bitchy, but still Hermione loving him and keeping him under her control. More like, even if Draco is a bitch, he's Hermione's bitch.

Anyways, this dramione fic I am reading now, kinda seems to be my cup of coffee (just had one irl).

I should be studying.

so difficult, i am feeling distracted.

i don't understand what is happening with my life.

i want to have control of my life.

i also feel that my grammar and vocabulary is shitty.

why is this happening to me.

So distracted that I wish to read some smut to, idk, free my mind (? like, seriously ??).

have to study

why !!