looking in windows

It's its own. I am only a radio.

coffee and cashews

I’ve somehow managed to keep most of my shit under control for a long time. The wrong way. I’m exhausted with myself, with people who put up with it, with everything. My bed is a pile of clean laundry I saunter into night after night and gaze into the white noise of a comfortably illuminated screen for hours until I just give up. My problem with alcohol is real, despite the fact I continue to live my life with relatively no severe damages, I know that I’ll have nightmares and cold sweats if I go without it. But what’s worse is that I did that, I went through it, the sweating, the crying, the nightmares. And I still continue to drink because in some twisted part of my brain I always think those few days “cure” me. It’s happened more times than I care to admit. The only way for me to get out of this is to either remove myself or prove that I can go without/ ACTUALLY suck it up. I feel like I have no one to talk to, but I’m not sure who I’m supposed to miss.