(I finished my freshman year this spring with a 4.0 GPA, an off-campus research internship, and three professors contacting me suggesting that I apply for a fulbright scholarship.  These tips aren’t coming out of my ass.) 

1. LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY THIS: YOU DO NOT NEED TO “GET INVOLVED” IN STUPID CLUBS IF YOU DON’T ENJOY THEM.  Hear “get involved! :)” for the 1000th time and just barf in your mouth a little and move on.  If you work hard and get good grades, and socialize with people on campus when you have free time (it comes more naturally than you think) YOU WILL.  BE.  FINE.  Actually better than fine.  You’ll have time to get a real job/internship, which by the way, is what the real world wants to see you prioritizing.  Moral of the story: Only join clubs if they help your personality thrive and feel healthy.  Don’t do them because you feel pressured.  

2. DON’T TAKE SHIT FROM A N Y O N E. I know you’re trying to fit in and take the stance of trying to make everyone happy to make sure you’ll have plenty of friends.  But you have to realize that you literally just met these people, and they just met you.  If they create an uncomfortable environment for you that makes college harder to cope with, get them the fuck out of your life. Ain’t nobody got time for people’s high school-ass drama.  

3. SKIP YOUR CLASSES SOMETIMES.  If you really have your shit together, it won’t matter.  Your school will say the amount of skips you can get away with before it harms your grade.  Use. Them.

4. BECOME THE MASTER OF WRITING ESSAYS IN ONE NIGHT.  You will have to.  I’m telling you right the fuck now.  And you can get an A, if you work your lil ass off. I’ve done it many times.  

5. DON’T CARE FOR EVEN 1 SECOND WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU.  If you wanna wear sweats and no makeup, do it.  If you want to dress up and take time to put on makeup, do it.  If you want to stay away from partying, do it.  If you want to party, have a good ass time.  If anyone has enough time to judge you, they need to be studying harder or getting a hobby.  Make yourself comfortable and happy as fuck and enjoy your time in college worry-free. 

6. BE THE ASSHOLE WITH A TABLET OR LAPTOP IN LECTURE.  You won’t have time to copy it all down.  You’ll be miserable.  Just trust me.  I know studies say its more effective to write stuff down for memory, but, write them out later or something.  Learned that one the hard way.

7. DON’T REWRITE YOUR NOTES IF IT DOESN’T HELP YOU STUDY.  If you know doing that doesn’t help you memorize, don’t do it, period.  Or, if you have a collossal asston of notes (like I did) it isn’t even worth rewriting them all in the first place. I’ve fallen down that hole and lost motivation and time.  Just reread them or make flashcards or whatever.  Study for effectiveness, not aesthetic.

8. BE PREPARED FOR LAB TO GO THE “WHOLE TIME.”  Yah, you’re gonna see 3 hours on that brand-shiny-new schedule of yours and be like there’s no way it’ll go that long, right? LOL about that.  Just mentally brace yourself.  Eat and drink beforehand for the love of god we don’t need hangry people handling chemicals.  

9. COMMUTING DOESN’T MAKE YOU A LONER.  Just.  No. If you live close to campus, are comfortable with commuting, and know you’ll save yourself MAJOR debt by doing it, do it and don’t feel a fucking ounce of guilt about it.  It’ll be some early mornings, but your fresh out of college broke ass will thank you, and you’ll use your time more effectively.  (Plus you get a non grimy shower like??)

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself