Terrible, Thanks for Asking | Acts 8:26-39

i received this message five years ago. so i figure it’s time for me to answer it. i’m sure that the person who sent it to me thought that i deleted it back then. i didn’t. i held on to it this long. and everytime i would clean out my inbox I couldn’t bring myself to answer or delete this message.

i remember crying when i first got this. One of the reasons was because the fact that of the validation i was receiving but it was met with the shame of wanting that validation. i also remember crying because the process i was feeling at that time was my fault. The process the other person was feeling was my fault. i failed to be who i should have been. while this message affirmed that it wasn’t my fault, i could never get over the fact that it really was. i cried because of the guilt that I felt. I cried because of the validation it presented that i should have not ever taken. validation that i kept coming back to for years.

when i see this message today, it hurts on a different level. i don’t take the love that is presented in the message anymore. and that’s not specific to a person, that’s to everyone. i don’t trust love anymore. i have become jaded by it. and i have seen and felt too many people use and abuse me in the name of loving me. being loved is a weird concept that i don’t easily take now. and additionally to this day i still believe it’s my fault.

do i regret some the last five years? it’s complicated but mostly no. but would i choose this again if i could go back in time? maybe not. i would hope not at least. i mean i should have learned something from what happened five years ago. do I believe that the universe would have brought all involved together later on anyways? who knows, probably.

It’s not very often that my roommate sees me shirtless. Not on purpose, but that just how it happens. On our way to lunch yesterday she told me that, “I know you had surgery but when I saw you shirtless this morning it didnt even cross my mind. Your scars are not noticeable at all!”.

I actually cheered at that statement because for a long time before surgery I wondered how my scars would look. After surgery it became overall happiness that I had surgery and was closer to being me. I’m actually more self conscious about my stomach and my “love handles” these days than my chest. (Which is funny to me because I can love it on other people but am so against my own self having “love handles”. But that’s a story for another day.) But as grateful as I am that I had surgery, invisible scars is an added bonus for me.

As much as I usually don’t run around telling the world that I’m trans and I celebrate how my transition looks to me and how happy I am with my results, I am very aware that I am cis passing and safe most of the time. However right now, I’m leaning into a season where I can be more open and vulnerable in public forums. In matter of fact, it’s going to be encouraged for me to do so so change can be gained for acceptance of trans people in my current spaces.

It’s one thing for me to be accepted because I “pass” but it’s another for the community to be accepted as a whole in the spaces and organizations I am apart of. Im not about being picky choosey on who can be accepted and who can’t because they look one way. There’s not one way to be trans. I’m not doing what I do for myself. This is where my work with @normalityproject & @flavntstreetwear comes in. It’s about being visible when you can be. And when you can’t be visible (aka most of my transition so far), doing things to elevate and make others visible.