I just wanted you to know you are loved and what happened wasn't your fault.
i received this message five years ago. so i figure it’s time for me to answer it. i’m sure that the person who sent it to me thought that i deleted it back then. i didn’t. i held on to it this long. and everytime i would clean out my inbox I couldn’t bring myself to answer or delete this message.
i remember crying when i first got this. One of the reasons was because the fact that of the validation i was receiving but it was met with the shame of wanting that validation. i also remember crying because the process i was feeling at that time was my fault. The process the other person was feeling was my fault. i failed to be who i should have been. while this message affirmed that it wasn’t my fault, i could never get over the fact that it really was. i cried because of the guilt that I felt. I cried because of the validation it presented that i should have not ever taken. validation that i kept coming back to for years.
when i see this message today, it hurts on a different level. i don’t take the love that is presented in the message anymore. and that’s not specific to a person, that’s to everyone. i don’t trust love anymore. i have become jaded by it. and i have seen and felt too many people use and abuse me in the name of loving me. being loved is a weird concept that i don’t easily take now. and additionally to this day i still believe it’s my fault.
do i regret some the last five years? it’s complicated but mostly no. but would i choose this again if i could go back in time? maybe not. i would hope not at least. i mean i should have learned something from what happened five years ago. do I believe that the universe would have brought all involved together later on anyways? who knows, probably.
this isn’t appealing to hear or process, i’m aware. being vulnerable and open and raw isn’t appealing to begin with. but it’s where i am. holding on to something that was probably never really meant for you in the first place is unhealthy. hoping that by finally releasing this message it would bring some healing. not only for me but for anybody else involved.













