a (hopeful) healthy start

long story short: too much toxicity in your life = crashing and burning on all things mental, emotional, and physical health.

i feel sick about it, but i regained the 25 pounds i lost on weight watchers. i’m disgusted and disappointed in myself.

i was depressed and spent many weeks in bed in the dark not doing a damn thing but be miserable.

i quit weight watchers because i couldn’t work with smart points. i was hungry all the time after weeks and weeks of trying, and i kept going up in the scale instead of down. so i stopped.

i also got rid of toxic people and left toxic environments that were hurting me and causing me to stress eat nonstop.

2017 has been very hard for me so far, but i’m using february as a mental fresh start.

trying new things including maybe moving off of tumblr because i don’t fully feel like tumblr fits me anymore ... and i also want to start 100% fresh. so we’ll see.

and i’d like to say... smart points and i are. not. friends.

i went to weight watchers yesterday before a craft meetup with my friends, and i went up. i went up to the point that i’m just about the weight i was before i started weight watchers. i am devastated.

i need to put things into perspective.

i’ve had a lot of stress and anxiety since january.

my back injury and sciatica kept me out of the gym from february to mid-april.

i stress eat - and boyyyyy have i been stressed.

i’ve had no time to make food or work out or do anything but work-sleep-repeat.

i’m running on my own time now so i’m going to focus hard on my goals, routine, and especially eating habits. but one thing i realize for sure... i don’t think smart points are for me.

what i ate with points plus, the same foods that made me lose so much weight, now doubled in points amounts. “oh you eat too much processed foods” “you eat too much sugar garbage” no, but thanks for asking. 

i started this new cycle of the fit girls guide this past monday, and have been working out everyday. i’m going food shopping later, and for the fit girls 5k, i’m gonna walk a nice relaxing walk at the park to try and de-stress.

if things go well with fit girls and that calorie-counting instead of point-counting, i may either step away from weight watchers, or stick to points plus by putting batteries into my old points plus calculator. that plan worked wonders for me. smart points have destroyed me.

i’m a very active person. my back injury messed me up, and work being a constant and toxic source of stress didn’t help. with those two things out of the picture, getting back down to almost-goal should be easy.

i decided to try wearing both the fitbit and the apple watch thrughout the month of january to see what the differences are, how they compare, and what they both say about my goals and achievements for the month. so far it’s been interesting - they don’t match often, and sometimes they aren’t even close. i do like both trackers; i got the fitbit for my birthday last year, and bought the watch in may. i enjoy them both, both motivate me...but let’s see how they do.

i had strabismus surgery on december 8th and was recommended by my doctor not to do any crazy activity until i felt up to it. i’m going back to the gym on monday just in time for the annual christmas zumba party which i’m so excited for. i’m also going to lightly re-tackle the fit girls guide calendar that i had been working with prior to my surgery.

i’m not allowed to lift weights or anything until mid to late january... so a lot of what i’m gonna work on will be cardio and body weight toning - very very light to start.

i’ve also found that weight watchers has switched points plus to smart points, and activity points to fit points. the app is different, the program is different... and i really need a refresher. i’m going to go into a meeting on monday to try and get the deets on what’s been going on since i’ve been out of commission.

21 day fix was not for me. 

i called beachbody to cancel my premium membership and inquire about returning either solely the shakeology, or the entire challenge package. the representative on the phone was incredibly helpful, and i could feel his concern when i described the health problems i encountered. he transferred me to a supervisor who completed the call - i can’t return only the shakeology, i have to return the entire challenge package, which is okay. i figured as much. i was wishy-washy on limiting myself with the food and containers anyway, so it’s just as well. however, the plyo dvd, tote bag, and eating plan booklet were all free gifts he said i could keep. that was really cool and i appreciate that kind gesture.

my review on shakeology and 21 day fix: i can’t say it works or not because my body was against it within the first week. 

what i do know: 

beachbody on demand has a lot of amazing workouts and challenges you can do. personally, i didn’t have any time to fully utilize this feature. 

the dvd with your daily 30 minute workouts was fun. i very much appreciate the modifications that were shown. i’m working on endurance and have a bad lower back, so the mods helped a lot. 

the strawberry shakeology did taste delicious! it’s just...my body was not a big fan of this at all. you need to listen to your body when it’s telling you something. mine yelled at me pretty viciously... i felt absolutely, positively, horrible.

for those that are concerned about the effects the herbal ingredients in shakeology may have on your body... consult your doctor first. do that no matter what, concerns or not!! their insight and knowledge is crucial to any health lifestyle changes you make. speak with your beachbody coach if you have one. mine has been a good friend of mine for six years and 21 day fix worked well for her, so i trusted her opinions and insights.

i would also recommend not starting with the full scoop at first if you’re concerned. maybe try a quarter-scoop, then graduate to half a scoop, and finally finish with a full scoop. it didn’t work out for me, but it could be a way around it for others. again, chat with your doctor and your coach.

i don’t have anything negative to say. i tried it, it didn’t pan out, and that’s that. it was a learning experience.

so ... i’m really quite proud of myself.

before i started weight watchers last year, i tried wearing a bodycon dress and almost immediately took it off; i was incredibly unhappy with my body. i didn’t fit into it, and every single curve that was visible was a lump that i wasn’t proud of. i didn’t walk into a clothing store for a while after that; i felt too ashamed.

these pictures are from today (november 14th), after almost two years of weight watchers and almost 30 pounds lost. i ended up buying this dress. i was and still am so proud of my progress. i’ve gone a long way and not just physically. i’m mentally at a better place than i was. my health and eating habits are way better than they were, too. there’s progress all around.

everyone has a point where they are comfortable with their body... and i was at a place where i wasn’t. now, i can say i am. i’d like to tone up and gain more endurance, (and lose these pesky nine pounds that are fighting to stay!), but i’m such a happier person now. i’m stronger in multiple ways, and i wish that point for everyone in their journey.

happiness isn’t a number on a scale, it’s so much more than that and it took me a while to realize it. for me, i don’t focus on a number anymore - i focus on a range. there’s a range i want to weigh somewhere between, and that range is a statistic that i’ve discussed with both my doctor and my weight watchers leader. yet, my goal is not just a number range; that’s too black and white. my goal is a lifestyle change and i really think i’m gaining that, slowly but surely.

well. it appears that that was the end of the 21 day fix for me.

i haven’t posted in a few days. i’m currently taking time to take a break from my daily workouts as a result of how crazed i became due to the shakeology. it wore off after a while (a long while...) and i was left exhausted afterward. i decided to give my body a break from everything in order to decompress. i’ll probably begin my workouts in a week just to give my body a rest.

i informed my 21 day fix coach and she told me to call beachbody about the shakeology and such. she’s very supportive, which is why she’s a great coach.

the workouts, what i had done before my 24+ hours of insanity, were great. i enjoyed following the 30 minute videos a lot and depending how the call with beachbody goes, if i still keep everything i’ll continue those workouts. not having the shakeology kind of kills the 21 day fix’s effectiveness however, i feel, and in my personal opinion makes it not that worth it.

the other thing that killed me was the facebook challenge group i was in that my coach invited me to. my coach was great, but a lot of the people in the group were kind of bullies in the sense that if you weren’t listening 100% to what they said and followed their instructions and advice exactly, they kind of those you to stop being lazy and stop failing. it wasn’t positive, it didn’t feel supportive, it felt mean. it felt counter-productive. i don’t need someone twice my age telling me i’ll never get there and that i should just deal with it. what kind of support system is that???

really, friends, the people you workout with, people you talk to for support in your fitness journey (whatever it may be), make sure they’re the right people. 

going back to positives... the portions in the colored containers were great. it was hard for me to keep up with it, however, because i really felt incredibly limited in what i could eat and i don’t like that. i think i’m just going to stick to weight watchers and fit girls guide.

i did go to a weight watchers meeting during my 24+ hours awake. i did lose a pound before things got crazy for me. i’m going to build a workout schedule for myself to get back into my daily habit but the main thing i took from all of this...

listen to your body. it will tell you what it can and cannot do. it will tell you what it can and cannot handle. it will tell you when to stop. and when it tells you to stop, please stop. i learned my lesson the hard way and lost almost two weeks of progress and routine because of it.

tomorrow is a new day and with more knowledge under my belt, i try again!

a new fit girls challenge starts on november 30th. i think i’m going to get myself back into the swing of things gently within the next few days to prepare for it.

yeah ... yeah, i think i have to stop the shakeology. i’ve been up since 4am and i’m STILL jittery and wired and such. i STILL feel like my heart is racing. i could honestly run from montauk point to new york city and back right now, that’s how much energy i’m feeling. it’s really really funny but i can’t do this anymore. it’s been 19 hours.

i drank so much water today to try and help, i swear i don’t know how to stop peeing. it was recommended to me to have carbs, so instead of the salad i planned on getting out at dinner tonight, i had a quesadilla. i’ll make up for it with activity points earned via my multiple workouts, but damn. this did not go as expected... at all.

i’m still mehhhh about trying half a scoop ... i don’t want to completely stop it, i see the benefits!! but it’s not worth what i’m going through right now. i really can’t drink this anymore.

...lol. i woke up at 4am today; my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. i’ve been stressed to the max lately so i’m figuring it’s no biggie. i start doing some yoga and reading to calm down. before i knew it, it was 11am and i was still at high speed so i called my doctor who recommended i go in.

57395 tests later... my doctor says i’m fine. my heart isn’t racing. but i’m like, it can’t not be - i feel it now. she checks with her stethoscope, and feels nothing out of the ordinary. she then asks, “have you been drinking anything lately??” and i pause... i did take my shakeology bag with me to the doctor’s office. i pull it out of my bag and i show her.

she says it’s fine, the ingredients are great... then she gets to the paragraph of listed ingredients and essentially tells me my body is jittery right now as though i’ve taken multiple espressos. my heart isn’t actually racing, it’s the feeling of it. because i’m not a caffeine or coffee drinker, i’m not used to it. she recommended i go a few days not drinking the shakeology, then try drinking it again...but half a scoop instead. if symptoms return, i need to get rid of the shakeology. i could eventually get used to the feeling, but with everything else i have going on that’s taking away my sleep and adding to my stress, she didn’t recommend it. she also said it’s probably what’s making my stomach flail extra than usual.

so... LOL. REALLY????? i’m skipping shakeology today, obviously. i did today’s pilates fix and my 30 day challenges as well as today’s fitgirlsguide workout. i don’t feel as jittery. my stomach isn’t exactly thrilled with me today, either, so i’m just...i’m not sure if i’m frustrated or amused. i had an oatmeal packet from trader joe’s (4 points)  for a yellow container, and an apple for a red container. 

i’m not gonna stop watching what i eat, and i’m not gonna stop the exercises. but i’m going to have to look into the shakeology ... would they take it back?? i only used three scoops of it.

and it was so yummy, too. well...let’s wait it out a few days and see what half a scoop does.

so... i have stomach issues. i always have, for over 20 years. it’s fine, i’m used to it. it makes working out and eating weird sometimes, but i manage. it’s nothing serious.

lately though (since monday to be picky) i’ve been really feeling sick and burping like crazy. is it my body getting used to these meals and the shakes? no clue. i mean, i’m used to foods making me sick no matter how good or clean or healthy it is. it isn’t a diet thing, it’s literally when my stomach feels offended...i’ll get sick. it seriously doesn’t matter what i eat. it’s *stupid*. BUT ANYWAY.

i made taco salad for linner...lunch/dinner? it took me longer to finish the shakeology today and i did my workouts late. lower fix and zumba from 6-8pm. i’m feeling sore but it’s a good sore.

it’s weird not counting points... i’m trying to do a merge of weight watchers and 21 day fix in a way that doesn’t hinder either program. i joined a group on facebook that my 21df coach helps to co-run, but people were pretty negative about it. i mean, i understand! it’s a 21 day fix group. but... weight watchers is my core. i am using 21df to kick off the last nasty 10 pounds, but i don’t want to eliminate ww from my plan.

what i was aiming to do was use points and recipes offered by weight watchers and points plus, and fill them in with what 21df foods fit into the containers for that meal. personally, i don’t see anything wrong with that. 

i’m absurdly active - aside from the daily 30 minute 21df workouts, i go to the gym 3-4 times a week, and i’m working on two 30 day challenges as well as the workout guide provided by fitgirlsguide. i like working out, i like being active. i figure i need to ensure i have the nutrients and diet plan to adhere to that.

the shakeology was another success today. i did have tow belgian waffles from trader joe’s for a pre-workout breakfast... carbs for energy. ended up being 4 points, which is fine!! it was all very filling and i wasn’t hungry again until dinner. all day i made sure to stay energized with water, fruits, and finger foods with cut veggies. dinner was whole wheat pasta and mozzarella with peppers and onions and ground beef. i’m making sure to go through my containers; it’s just weird doing so. it’s only day 2, i’ll get used to it.

started my day with total body fix and strawberry shakeology ... i was afraid the shakeology would taste gross, but it’s delicious! i mixed it with half of a frozen banana.

working with the portion containers is weird, but i think i’m getting it. i went to trader joe’s and shop rite to get the foods that are 21df approved. it all seems yummy, but i’m a little ehhhh over being so limited. for it being a short program, i understand it has to... so i will do the best i can!

i actually wasn’t hungry after the shakeology, but i gave myself two purple containers worth of fruit in a fruit salad so i wouldn’t skip lunch. dinner was one yellow container (whole wheat tortilla), one red container (ground beef), half of a blue container (part skim mozzarella), and two green containers (lettuce, peppers, onions, and tomatoes).

i’m actually quite full ... up until my 7pm zumba class. i drank a lot of water and had an apple after class; i wasn’t hungry enough to merit more. it’s also funny because i don’t drink nearly enough water...like, ever. i drank three shakeology bottles worth today; pretty pumped about that.