If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine

customer walks up

me: sue?

customer opens the box, frowns, and sticks her finger in the pizza: i didn’t order pepperoni

me, with a voice devoid of any emotion: ....... sue?

customer: oh! no i’m (name)!

the actual sue, materializing at my elbow: is that a pizza for sue?

me: would you like some free breadsticks to eat while we remake you pizza? another customer touched it

‘another customer’ sheepishly mumbles sorry

that one college guy who was going to play the piano on campus until his ex took him back

the game designer who tried to propose to his (now ex) girlfriend via the spider man video game

the song “hey there, delilah”. written abt a girl who was in a relationship w another man

Yes. Always. Good lord. I never understand why people can turn this into a big serious discussion. Yes, One Punch Man would beat Thanos. He would beat Luke Skywalker, Superman, every single character from Dragon Ball Z, and every ninja from Naruto. He would beat Thor and Wolverine and the Hulk in a tag team match. 

Because he plays by different rules. One Punch Man is a PARODY character. His skill set is defined by comedy, not power levels or physical strength. One Punch Man not Superman facing off against an ever-more powerful lineup of villains. He’s the Roadrunner against Wil E. Coyote’s ever more convoluted plans. Deadpool is the only other super hero type character who comes close to living in the same realm of parody, but frankly, Deadpool repeatedly getting the crap beat out of him would be funnier than Deadpool winning, so One Punch Man would win that fight too, even if he can’t actually kill Deadpool in one punch. Because parody.

Fred: Dumbledore.

George: In his study.

Fred: Pacing.

George: Does that a lot.

Harry: So… what do the other professors do in their spare time?

Fred: Well, we’ve seen Flitwick’s dot hopping up and down in his office loads of times… figured he had some hidden passion for aerobics, but turns out Peeves just likes to drop his wand onto shelves he can’t quite reach.

George: Then there’s Snape. Creeps about at night quite a bit, which isn’t a surprise, but after we noticed him in the Trophy Room a few times, we went down one night to see what he was up to. He was changing your dad’s name to “Rotter” on all his Quidditch awards. 

Harry: HEY!

Fred: No worries, we set them right whenever he does it.

George: Man’s got to have a hobby.

Fred: Sprout sleepwalks, we reckon. Watched her bumping into the greenhouse wall for a half-hour one night. Lupin goes for a long jog in the Forbidden Forest once a month, it’s a bit odd. 

Harry: And McGonagall?

George: You know old mum. Standard stuff. Classroom, office, Great Hall one minute…