This is me.

“Shit,” Charlotte said. 

Leaning too far to the left, she felt herself trip over the bottom of her dress. She quickly caught herself and looked around to see if anyone saw her almost falling on her face. No one did, thankfully, but then she stood still for a moment thinking about if she would actually care if someone did – and with the amount of alcohol in her, she didn’t. Charlotte pulled her dress carelessly and turned towards the bar.

The bartender - Derek - stood in front of her with her now full glass. Suddenly, Charlotte was surrounded with Kim and Hailey on each of her sides. Charlotte smiled small and took the glass from his hands.

“How many glasses have you had?” Kim asked. 

She shrugged and looked back at her cup.

“This is my fifth - no sixth glass,” she said. 

Hailey and Kim looked at each other before looking back at Charlotte. 

“I am fine, so stop worrying,” Charlotte said. “How long have you known me? For, what, like, six years? You guys know I need to take the edge off at these things.” 

Hailey frowned. 

“We know when your anxiety is getting the best of you,” Hailey said. “Like you said, we know you.”

Charlotte opened her mouth, but Kim cut her off.

“It’s been a rough year for you and don’t even try to deny it,” she said. “But it's a special occasion! Everyone is dressed up and having fun. It is not everyday the city of Chicago throws the entire police department a party. You should be dancing, not sitting over here looking like a creep.” 

Charlotte laughed and bumped Kim’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” Charlotte said. “I should be having fun; I am having fun. But I hate parties, especially parties that involve talking to people.”

Kim and Hailey both threw their heads back and laughed. 

“Well, as your best friends, we are forcing you to mingle,” Kim said. “Adam, Kevin, Antonio, and even Voight,  want to hang out with you too.” 

Charlotte sighed.

“I guess I should talk to them. They are my friends,” she said.

Hailey smiled and nodded.

“They are your very good friends, and we should have dragged you over there an hour ago,” she said. 

“Well then what are we waiting for?” Charlotte asked.

Hailey and Kim smiled and turned around. With her glass in her hand, Charlotte let them drag her over to their table. 

Adam was still sitting but was now in a deep conversation with Antonio, who was sitting across from him. Kevin stood with Voight in front of the table and was talking to some other officers. Charlotte let out a sigh of relief she didn’t realize she was holding.

He wasn’t here. 

He is not sitting next to Adam. He is not making some joke; he is off somewhere else, somewhere far away from here. 

Kevin was the first person to notice the girls. His eyes got wide, and he smiled big. 

Charlotte laughed as his arms circled around her. A moment later, she felt another set, and soon Adam, Kevin and Antonio were all hugging her while Voight just shook his head at their antics. When joining Intelligence three years ago, the unit already had their groove; they knew who worked with who and what everyone’s strength was. They were a family, and trying to enter a unit like this is scary. Kim and Hailey immediately welcomed Charlotte and accepted another woman with open arms. The boys took their time, but after a few late nights working and drinking at Molly’s, they became her older brothers. 

“Dude, finally!” Adam yelled, shaking Charlotte’s shoulders. “We have been fucking waiting for you.”

Everyone laughed. 

“Are you ready to have some fun?” Antonio asked, smirking. 

Charlotte nodded, but she had a feeling she was going to regret that decision in the morning. 

The boys cheered and headed to the bar to grab shots from Derek.

Yes, she thought. She was definitely going to regret this. 

*******

It was a quarter to two in the morning when Charlotte found herself sitting in the seat Adam was sitting in before. Her friends were in front of her dancing. 

After two shots of vodka and another glass of wine, Charlotte could feel how drunk she was. However, she concluded that this was a rare occasion where she didn’t feel sick after drinking that much. Instead, she found herself smiling and more at ease than she thought she would be. 

The ballroom was still packed with people, and no one was going home anytime soon. Charlotte listened as the next song came through the speakers, and she smiled when she heard The Weeknd’s voice. 

Charlotte watched as Hailey cheered loudly and pointed at Charlotte. She laughed and let her friends drag her out to dance. 

Yeah, uh

Tell me what you really like Baby I can take my time We don't ever have to fight Just take it step-by-step

Charlotte let the music move through her as she found her hips moving in sync with the beat. She saw Hailey wink at her before she turned around and disappeared in the crowd. 

Charlotte frowned and was about to go after her until she caught a whiff of something that she hadn’t smelt in a while.

Turning around, she stood in front of the man she thought she wouldn’t have to see tonight. 

Jay Halstead looked down at her, and Charlotte could feel her heart falling out of her chest. 

I can see it in your eyes 'Cause they never tell me lies I can feel that body shake And the heat between your legs

Green eyes met blue eyes as the pair stood only a few inches from each other. Charlotte could feel the heat radiating off his body, and this made her anxiety grow. 

The first-time Charlotte met Jay was during her second week of working with the unit. He was in an undercover case, and when he introduced himself to her, she knew she was in trouble. His voice drew her in, and Charlotte couldn’t move herself away.

You've been scared of love and what it did to youYou don't have to run, I know what you've been throughJust a simple touch and it can set you freeWe don't have to rush when you're alone with me

Jay’s hand circled her waist and pulled Charlotte in until their chests were touching. She could feel his suit rubbing against the silk of her dress. His forehead touched hers and soon she was swaying with him. His eyes never looked away from her, even though Charlotte closed hers.

His breath brushed against her face; his hands gripped her waist, holding on like she was going to disappear any second - and Charlotte couldn’t blame him for feeling that way. Their last encounter had her running home and leaving him broken-hearted. 

You are not the single type So baby, this the perfect time I'm just trying to get you high And faded off this touch

When his lips touched that spot behind her ear, that spot that makes Charlotte weak in the knees, she knew she had to move out of his grip. Opening her eyes, she saw him frown, and she knew he saw the tears forming in her eyes. 

Charlotte took this chance and surprisingly broke out of his hold before dashing off towards the bathroom.

She couldn’t breathe, and she stopped when she reached the small hallway. Charlotte was alone for five seconds before she felt his hands on her face, and green eyes met blue eyes once again.

“You aren’t supposed to be here,” Charlotte mumbled. “I only came because I was told you weren’t going to be here.” 

She felt herself getting worked up. A tear escaped, and Jay’s thumb immediately wiped it away. 

“Why are you here? I was doing so well!” Charlotte said. “I haven’t thought about you in days, and now you are here in front of me, and it’s not fair.”

Jay frowned. 

“Why? Why isn’t it fair? Jay asked. “I am a detective too. I am allowed to be here.” 

Charlotte let out a choked sob. 

“Because I left you,” she said. “I ran away and left you. I hurt you. I told you I couldn’t do this. God, do you know how hard it was to leave you? Why couldn’t you have just listened to me and stayed away?” 

Jay stared at Charlotte with such force that she didn’t even know he had. His thumbs caressed her face, and she almost whimpered at his touch. Her back pressed against the wall as Jay moved until their chests were touching.

And then he smiled. 

“Charlotte, I love you,” he said softly. “I will always love you. I knew I loved you when you first spilt coffee on me.” 

Charlotte sobbed. 

“I know you’ve been hurt in the past. That bastard ripped you open and broke your heart, and you don’t know how badly I want to kill him,” Jay said. “Yes, I was hurt when you left, but I knew it wasn’t you. It was your fear, and you had no control of it.”

Charlotte stood quiet; she let him talk. She missed that voice more than she thought she did - and it has only been a week without him.

“Please let me in. Please let me be the one to help you become you again,” he said. “I know you love me. God, I can feel it right now, Charlotte.”

Without warning, his lips were on hers, and Charlotte didn’t waste a second before wrapping her arms around his neck.

“I love you,” Charlotte said. “I’m so sorry for hurting you. I know I shouldn’t have left, and I almost turned around, but I couldn’t. I wanted to. I wanted to come back the next day and the day after that, but I didn’t think you would want me still. I have so much baggage, and I didn’t want to chance it with you. I knew if I gave in and stayed, I knew if we didn’t last, I wouldn’t be ok. I would never be ok if that happened.”

Jay smirked and pressed his lips against hers once more. 

“Baby, we are going to last; you can hold me to that,” he said, making Charlotte laugh. “Kim and Adam may hold the title right now for the King and Queen, but that will be us soon enough.”

Charlotte smiled and nodded. 

“Let me take you home,” Jay said softly. 

Charlotte bit her lip and nodded with no hesitation. 

“I thought you’d never ask.”

*******

The ride home to Charlotte’s apartment was quiet. Nothing but the breeze from the open window blowing on her face, and Charlotte didn’t mind it one bit. From the alcohol and the sudden onset of emotions, Charlotte needed some quiet time to register what just happened. 

After Jay kissed her one more time, he grabbed her hand and beelined it for the exit. Just before they made their escape, Charlotte connected eyes with Hailey, Kim, and the rest of their friends. Each of them hollered and cheered as they saw their two best friends happy again. Jay smirked and waved to them before they were out of sight. 

Buildings blurred together as the pair drove down the streets. Luckily, Charlotte’s place was only a short drive away.

Charlotte could feel Jay’s eyes on her every once and a while, but Charlotte kept her eyes on the window. 

She knew what was going to happen when they arrived at her apartment. It’s been almost four years in the making; she could cut the sexual tension with a knife. It’s not like neither of them were virgins, but this time it’s different.

It’s with him.

Her eyes moved off the window and watched Jay look at the road in front of them. He’s gotten way more attractive since the last time she saw him - how is that possible since it's only been seven days? She didn’t know, but he did.

He’s not like her previous boyfriends, not at all. He doesn’t rush her; he will be as patient as she needs him to be. He doesn’t care that she has had some fucked-up years; he’s had some fucked-up years himself. He doesn’t baby her, he tells her how it is, and while he doesn’t show his vulnerable side a lot, she knows he will if he wants to. 

“What are you looking at?” 

Charlotte snapped her eyes off him and back to the window. She could see his lips curve, and she felt heat rush to her face as she just got caught staring.

“It’s ok to look, you know. I am rather good looking,” Jay said, making Charlotte laugh. “You know, I am looking at you.”

Charlotte forced herself to look at him. He was smirking at her. 

“Shut up and drive,” she said, sending out a smile of her own. 

Jay laughed and reached over to squeeze her hand. Charlotte’s heart thumped hard. 

She didn’t understand why she was so nervous. For god’s sake, it was Jay: The guy who makes her snort when she laughs; the guy who knows how to push her buttons just when they need to be pushed. 

But he’s also the guy that gives her middle school butterflies. He’s the guy who has given her a chance to open up and let someone in again. He’s the guy who doesn’t care about the scars her past relationships left, mental and physical. 

“Hey, you ok?” 

Jay was looking at her again, and she realized that they were parked outside her building.

Charlotte smiled small and nodded.

Jay looked at her for a few more seconds before opening his car door and coming over to her side. Before she knew it, they were standing in Charlotte’s living room. 

The moon was shining through the windows, and Charlotte turned on the small lights she had above her fireplace. Jay stood in the middle of the room, letting Charlotte make the first move. He watched as she started to play with the material of her dress. Charlotte felt the cool silk against her fingers, and she let out a breath. 

She could feel the need for more wine, and she let out a small laugh. 

“What’s so funny?”

Charlotte almost forgot Jay was in the room with her. Keyword is being almost. His cologne intoxicated her, leaving an imprint on her memory forever. 

“I haven’t done this in a while,” Charlotte said. 

Jay was confused; she could see it on his face. 

“God, I feel like I am in middle school waiting to be picked last for volleyball.”

Her voice cracked. She could feel the tears in her eyes. 

“The last time I was in this situation, the last time I felt this way, it ended badly.” 

Jay frowned, his heart breaking at the sight in front of him. 

“I know you said that it was fear pushing you away,” she said. “But it’s been here for so long, I don’t know which is which anymore. I feel trapped in this fear that I’ve grown accustomed to. I don’t know how to get out of it; I feel like I’m suffocating on stage in front of everyone, and I’m so close to letting it take me under.” 

Jay moved so close to Charlotte that she could feel his shirt rub against hers. His hands cupped her face and gently wiped the tears that had fallen from her eyes. 

“Don’t do this; don’t close on me,” he said. “If you go under, I’m coming right there with you. This past week has been torture. And when I saw you dancing with Kim and Hailey, smiling and laughing; there was nothing more I wanted to do than run up to you and kiss you.”

Charlotte let out a choked sob.

“I am so proud of you. You’ve grown so much since we first met, but I know the woman I fell in love with is there.”

“How? How can you tell?” Charlotte asked.

Jay smiled.

“Because I’ve seen her. When you thought no one was looking, that woman came out and shined,” he said. “She shined so bright tonight dancing so freely, and I don’t care if I have to dance for the rest of my life, I promise to bring that woman out for you to see.”

Charlotte was speechless. She stared at the man in front of her and felt her heart swell. She wracked her brain, trying to think of something half as good as that but nothing came close. 

In a split second, her arms wrapped around his neck and pushed her lips onto his. Jay’s hands moved from her face and down her sides until they rested on her hips. His hands traveled down to her hips, and soon Charlotte felt his fingers gently caress her back. 

It was getting heated by the second, and neither of them wanted to stop anytime soon. 

“As much as I want to push you up against the wall and fuck you until you scream my name, I think that can wait until round two or three,” Jay said before placing kissing on that spot behind her ear. 

Charlotte let out a small moan and tried to move even closer to him. 

“What do you have in mind for round one?” She asked, looking up at him. 

Jay’s eyes were half closed and filled with lust. His lips were swollen and covered in Charlotte’s lip gloss. 

“Round one is where we move to the bedroom, and I can show you how good it feels to be treated like the queen you are,” Jay said. 

Charlotte almost fainted right then and there. No one has ever said that to her before. Right then and there, she knew that this was about to be the best night of her life. 

With no words spoken, Jay kissed Charlotte’s lips one more time before starting to move her down the hall to her bedroom.

Jay has been in Charlotte’s room before. Because of the close proximity to the precinct, her apartment was where the unit hung out most during off hours. Before Jay asked Charlotte out, just the two of them used to have movie nights all the time. She would want to stay in bed all day with him lying next to her, close enough to feel his body heat. It’s a wonder how Charlotte didn’t realize Jay had feelings for her then. 

His mouth was on her neck, and she came back to reality. 

“Sit,” Jay said gently, pushing her onto the edge of her bed. Charlotte’s face was flushed, and her breath was ragged. 

“These need to come off,” he said, sliding his hands down her legs and gently grabbing her ankles.

Charlotte bit her lip and leaned back on her elbows as she watched Jay slowly slip her heels off.

His hands started to wander up her legs again, and Charlotte knew it was time to take off her dress. Letting out a breath, she pushed him off until he was sitting in the spot she was in originally. 

“What are you doing?” He asked. 

Charlotte didn’t say anything; she brought her fingers to her hair and took out the few clips that were holding her long brunette hair together. 

Watching Jay watch her with that same look of lust on his face, Charlotte closed her eyes and unzipped her dress. With no straps and no bra, the dress easily slid off her body and onto the ground.

Charlotte shivered and opened her eyes. The lust was gone, and something else was spreading across Jay’s face. 

She watched his eyes travel down her body, and when she saw his eyes stop on her stomach, her left hand flew to her right side.

“No,” Jay said standing. “Don’t do that; don’t you dare do that.”

He stood in front of her and took her hand off. Charlotte didn’t dare look down. She sees it every day; she knows what it looks like.

But Jay didn’t. He’s heard of it from her and seen it from afar, but not up close. 

The scar started from her right rib and stopped a few inches above her thigh. It’s faded, but Jay can feel it when he runs his hands over it. 

He knew how it got there. He knew how her ex-boyfriend took advantage of her and got away with it, leaving her something to always remember.

“I’m so sorry,” he said looking into her eyes.

He saw the tears forming, but Charlotte wouldn’t let them fall. She cried enough times over it, and now was not the time. 

She didn’t answer him, but she smiled small. Tugging on his jacket, she signaled for him that it was time to discard his clothes. 

Pressing his lips to hers for a few moments, he pulled away and started undressing. 

His jacket hit the floor first. And then his shirt and pants. Soon, they were both just in their underwear.

Jay stood in front of her with a look of lust back on his face, and she felt it all the way to her core. He pushed her back onto the bed and kneeled against the plush white carpet.

She could feel his breath on her, and she let out a whimper when he pulled Charlotte close until her legs were over his shoulders. 

“Jay,” Charlotte said. 

He smirked and chuckled against her thigh. 

“Yes, baby?” 

Charlotte almost came just at the sound of his voice. Her hands went to his scalp and tugged on his hair. 

Jay groaned. 

“Please do something,” she said. 

He didn’t say anything except let out another low groan. Suddenly, his fingers and mouth were on her. 

Charlotte’s eyes closed and her back arched as she felt Jay’s fingers slowly enter her. It’s only been two minutes, and she could feel herself coming undone. 

“Oh god, Jay,” she moaned. 

Her hands pressed down harder into his scalp, and she felt her hips grind against his face. A string of moans left her as his stubble brushed against her, and soon his mouth was sucking on her clit.

“Come on, Char,” Jay said, releasing himself for a second. “Cum for me.”

Another press against her clit, and Charlotte lost it. Her hips bucked until she found herself coming down from her high. 

Jay was above her again, just watching, when she re-opened her eyes. Green met blue, and he smiled.

“That was…” Charlotte started. 

Jay chuckled.

“I know.”

She didn’t have enough energy to laugh, so she smiled instead. Grabbing his shoulders, Charlotte pulled him down until his body was on top of hers and she felt his lips on her face.

Her hands started running down his chest, feeling every line and definition of his perfect chest. 

Charlotte bit her lip when she felt him through his underwear. Jay dropped his head into her neck and groaned. Her hand on him felt perfect, and he wanted more. 

Forcing himself away, he stood up and quickly pushed off the last article of clothing. Her eyes widened when she saw how big he was. And she couldn’t help but think that, that is all hers now.

Something came over her, and Charlotte pushed Jay down onto the bed until he was laying in the middle of it. Crawling on her knees, she moved until she was right over his lower half. 

“Charlotte,” Jay said before pushing his head into the pillows.

Her hand gently touched him, and she felt him stiffen under her touch. Slowly, she stroked him up and down, adding more pressure as she went. 

Jay let out a long moan when her mouth lightly touched the tip.

“No, stop. Stop,” he said before pulling her off.

Charlotte was confused but pulled away.

“But I want to,” she said, moving for it again.

Jay’s hands flew out and fixed their positions until she was under him. 

“I want you too, believe me,” he said, smirking. “But if you do that right now, I’m not going to last. I need to be inside you.”

Charlotte bit her lip and felt herself nod. Jay kissed her before leaning over to his pants on the ground.

“No. We don’t need one,” Charlotte said, stopping him. “I’m on the pill. Plus, I want to feel you. All of you.”

Jay groaned and went straight for her lips. His hands cupped her cheeks, and by the second, the kiss became more heated.

Charlotte’s hand reached in between them and started stroking him again. Jay cursed and leaned his head in the crook of her neck. 

“Baby, fuck,” he said, placing a kiss on her neck. 

Not saying anything, Charlotte guided his tip into her, and they both felt her walls clench around him.

“Oh god,” they both said in unison. 

They both were still.

“Are you ok? Are you good?” Jay asked. 

Charlotte could tell he was trying his hardest not to move, and that warmed her heart.

“I love you,” she said, placing a hand on his cheek. 

Jay stared at her.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realize, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. But I will never do that again; you can hold me to it.”

Jay leaned down until their lips were touching. As their tongues fought, he started moving in and out of her.

Charlotte was in heaven. He fit so perfectly and stretched her so well.

“Oh shit, Jay,” she moaned. 

Jay groaned and sped up.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he said.

Charlotte whimpered when Jay’s lips came in contact with her breast. Her breasts were sensitive already, so when she felt him bite her, she let out a small scream.

“Do that again,” she said.

Jay was surprised but did it again. And again, until he made his mark.

He could feel himself coming close, but he wanted Charlotte to be there too.

Reaching in between them, his thumb pressed down on her clit and smirked when Charlotte let out another scream.

“God, fuck. I love you,” he said, adding more pressure to her. 

Charlotte snapped.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Charlotte said. 

She gasped and her walls clenched around him before she felt him release inside her. 

They laid still with Jay hovering over Charlotte watching her chest rise and fall.

She looked so beautiful, he thought. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he said, smiling down at her.

Charlotte smiled and felt the heat rush to her face.

“Can we order a pizza or something? I’m starving,” she said, placing a hand on her stomach.

Jay broke out into laughter. Out of everything she could say, she says that, and he isn’t surprised one bit.

“Can I fuck you against the wall while we wait for it?” he asked.

It was Charlotte’s turn to laugh.