Welcome to my World

I often have very strong sense of deja vu. It’s like I’m in a different place. I imagine this must be what dementia or Alezheimer’s feels like. I’ll lay in bed looking at the ceiling and I’m 16 again. Feeling kinda nervous. Feeling kinda lost. Are these flashbacks? I wish I could afford a therapist. I wish I could get past this phase of my life. I wish I knew what to do I’m just so frustrated being stuck and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life this way. Self helps books and quotes only do so much. I think I need a solid plan, a routine to break out of my mental habits.  I feel like a lot of others get stuck but they don’t realize it or they don’t want to see it. They pretend that what they feel isn’t wrong. But who am I to tell others how to live? But I can tell they don’t feel ok.  Maybe I’m just insecure about myself waay too much. Thinking that there’s a right and a wrong way. But I can see that there is a better way. One day I’ll look back and see it clearly. 

Today I saw a post about people how people who get tattoos on their hands and neck dont care about what others think. But in a positive way. I guess I wouldn't want to get them in those spots either because it would makes it a little harder to get a job or msybe I'd think that people would treat me lesser. Am I perpetuating my anxiety? I guess I do care what people think about me more than I'd like to admit and more than I realize. I wish I could just let it go. Id probably be happier. I can learn I guess. But it's taking longer than id like to. I wish I was just ok already. And I know am aware im also to hard on myself. But how much time can I let myself afford to lose feeling like this?

Today I worked on my painting. I am really in love with the way it’s coming along actually. As I was browsing other people’s art I found myself comparing and feeling insecure about mine. I’m not sure I realized I’ve been doing this a while. But anyway, I feel like I should paint more. Draw more. I’d like to start streaming but I find it difficult just to make myself make artwork. Maybe if I set a schedule for myself. On a side note: I’ve noticed drinking more water keeps me from being tired like I usually am. But I have to drink so much. 

Film is a powerful tool. When I watch movies and shows I try to understand what the people that made it might've been thinking. And what their intent was. My favorite series, Mad Men, captures not only the era well, but human nature. Each character is their own. And movies must tell an entire story within perhaps 2 hours. I wanted to a director at some point. I like to stick my nose into lots of things. And like the rest of my work, I aim to capture human nature in an implicit and surprising form.

Other than making art, I've wanted to write a book. When I first heard that Mary Shelly wrote Frankenstein by around the time she was 18, I thought that there wasn't a reason I couldn't do the same. Eventually I hit 20. And then 21. And then 22. And this year I'll turn 23. My plan is now before 25. But whenever I have started something, I've been critical of myself. What is even writing. What is something good to write about. What makes a good book?