A Goldfinch

-Aishwariya Pandit

-Aishwariya Pandit

-Aishwariya Pandit

-Aishwariya Pandit

I'm obsessed with slow and lazy awakenings. With the fragrant aroma of the biscuits. Those with chocolate chips, my favorite ones. With natural elegance of cats. With Their affection discreet yet so pure and boundless. With books, and their ancient odor of new stories. With hidden gardens. And with Those places unexplored, almost forgotten, That we can discover just getting lost and Which We would never want to leave. With the patter of rain, That is like a lullaby for me. With red roses, That a man in love will give us always only by the dozen. With stripes. Illuminated by a cascade of crystals Seems That created just for them. And with sunglasses. Large enough to hide my face, and sometimes tears. With black and white photos and red fingernails. With the rustle of silk embroideries and the simpering of lingerie. With shoes, with white shirts and with perfume. That I really could never go out without it. 'm obsessed by the need to feel free. Always and forever. And with the word forever . To whom we want to continue to believe, despite everything, as in the most romantic of fairy tales.

What do you do when you’ve done all you can, and it seems like you can’t make it through ? The answer is : “You stand.” That’s where strength comes from - our ability to face, resistance and walk through it. In the toughest moments if we have faith that if we take just one step, one step more than we feel we’re capable of, if we draw on the incredible resolve every human being possesses, we’ll learn of the most profound lessons life has to offer.

What I know for sure

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a good man, he was smart, ambitious, polite, handsome and charming. It was hard not to fall head over heels for him, I will call him Mr. Maybe. During that time, I tried convincing myself that he was doing all he could do to love me and was trying to give it his all, but I knew I was lying to myself because I always felt something was missing, like he could do more or give more but something was just impeding him from doing so. For the longest time I made excuses for him, until I just decided that I am done with Mr. Maybe and all his maybes. Let me tell you exactly what it feels like to fall in love with Mr. Maybe: “Maybe” he is down for dinner this weekend, depending on whether or not he will be done with all his other priorities.“Maybe” he is free at 10 PM to call you and chat for a bit.“Maybe” he is attending your friend’s wedding, or your cousin’s birthday or your job promotion celebration.“Maybe” he is listening to you when you are talking about a personal issue.“Maybe” he supports your dreams and passions but doesn’t think it is a good idea to drop everything and pursue them.“Maybe” he really is too busy.   “Maybe” he cares but doesn’t know how to show it.“Maybe” he is just stressed out at work and that is why he hasn’t been making any effort.“Maybe” he is so focused on his career and doesn’t want a relationship to distract him.“Maybe” he needs you in his life, but he is emotionally unavailable.“Maybe” he didn’t mean to ignore you when you told him you miss him.“Maybe” he needs space because he is just overwhelmed with work and his family issues.“Maybe” he didn’t hear you when you said you loved him that night.“Maybe” he didn’t mean to let go of your hand when you were crossing the street.“Maybe” he got wrapped up in something that he forgot to call you back.“Maybe” he really didn’t like your profile picture, or your article or your status update.“Maybe” he loves you but he has been hurt before.“Maybe” he doesn’t know how to be loved because he isn’t used to receiving that kind of love.“Maybe” he is being distant because he is intimidated by your love for him.   “Maybe” he is just not ready. The list of Mr. Maybe’s “maybes” can go on forever, these are just a few examples of how love can blind people into settling for “maybes” when they know better, and they know that “maybe” is just another word for not really that into it, or you are just not that important to me to try harder. Mr. Maybe and I remained good friends for some reason. He once asked me if I will ever invite him to my wedding, I would just like him to know that the day I get married, I will be marrying the man who was sure of all his “maybes”. I will be marrying the man who knew that when it comes to me, there should be no “maybes”. I will be marrying the man who has never been sure of anything more than this, more than me, more than wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. But to answer his question, will he get an invite to my wedding? Maybe!

- Untitled Feelings by Aishwariya Pandit