agentclairebear

Dear ___,

You are the most infuriating woman I've ever met. I should hate you after everything you've put me through in the last 2 years. But that's the problem isn't it, I could never hate you. I used to love you so much that I would have moved planets if you asked. You were my entire life. Even though time and pain has lessened this, it still won't leave. I still love you and I probably always will.

Sometimes I wish we could just disappear, run away to another country away from familial responsibilities, toxic people and situations. I like to think that there, our love would inspire stories and art because it would be so intense, unique and insane. But that isn't reality. We've always had a problem with reality haven't we, 2 broken girls bonding over ideals and escapism.

You were always so mesmerising to me, from the very first night I met you when you arrived at my door to bring me to a party. You are so intelligent, so beautiful and so kind. It's funny, we used to joke that amid all the fake friends and fan clubs of boys for you I was the only one who didn't accidentally fall in love with you, we signed our texts #noromo. It's funny because at some point in the crazy story of us, I think I did accidentally fall in love with you, romantic stylez. I just didn't realise until you were gone.

I wish so badly that we had never met S or B or any of the others that contributed to the drug fueled black hole we found ourselves in. The "incident" that broke what should have been forever. I can't put into words how much you broke me when you just didn't message me. You didn't try to fix it, you left me when I didn't know what had happened, you let people say horrible things about me, you believed those horrible things, you left me when I was breaking.

When we started speaking again I wish I had screamed at you, I wish I had screamed and injured B. Because I didn't deserve what happened to me. B is a piece of shit human who broke me and doesn't care. The fact that since then you have consistently chose him over me broke whatever was left of my heart. I tried to be nice to both him and you because all I wanted was you back in my life. I always thought I wasn't a jealous person but I've never liked sharing you. I've tried so hard to move on. I despise him for what he did and I resent you for standing by him. I don't know if I will ever get over this pain but I'm hoping if I put it down in words that I can at least move forward.

I'm not saying I was perfect, there was probably some fault on me but I just will never understand how either of you could do that to someone who would have given you everything.

I still worry about you though. I cried over biryani. I worry about how your mom is treating you, if you will give up and agree to an arranged marriage if the pressure becomes too much. I worry if your brother is okay and how he's getting on with his exams because I know he means more to you than anything on this planet. I worry when you haven't put anything on insta in ages because I remember how much you loved it and I remember not being able to eat until you had the perfect picture. When I'm stoned (which is getting rarer and rarer, who knew I could grow up) I have to stop myself from calling. Sometimes it is just to make sure you're okay, sometimes it's to scream, sometimes it's to cry and just ask why. Why wasn't I enough, I couldn't have possibly loved you anymore so why wasn't that enough.

Love,

Your former best friend, ex fake fiancé and soulmate