Hello and welcome to my...rant blog I guess. I want to start this with a TW. I will be talking about some subjects that might trigger memories or anything like that, but I will still make sure to do a TW at the beginning of said posts as well.
I had decided to make this tumblr (my first one actually, like ever) to just rant about myself and what Iām feeling. I prefer writing it down and having no one ever read it. But I realized that I canāt always keep my things secret. I need advice every now and then. I also hope that maybe someone will read this and realize that theyāre not alone. So, I decided to keep myself a secret but just throw everything on the internet. Then at least I donāt have to fear being judged or written off like I donāt matter.
But I thought I could say some of the things I like and who I am (kind of) as a person.
Please, for now just refer to me as agent or 606. I can go by any pronouns, I donāt mind being called he/him, she/her, they/them, etc etc.
Iāll start with the basics, I guess. Iām just following the TikTok sound because Iām not creative lol
Name: Agent 606
Age: 22
Favorite color: I like any, but I especially like cerulean blue :)
Height: 5ā²5ā³ (I wish I were taller ;.; )
Sign: Libra, specifically a September Libra.
Relationship status: Single :ā) But Iām trying to work on myself before I find someone
Nationality: American :ā)
Sexuality: Unsure, but I know that I am Polyromantic. Iām still learning.
Something that inspires me: I donāt know, still struggling to find my purpose
Some of my interests: Video games, Anime, Drawing, Writing, Coffee, Music, Youtube, Long Drives, Plants, DnD, Collecting different objects (Dice, Rocks, and Marbles are my favroite) I cant think of anymore Iām sorry.
This is my safe space to be myself and for others if they want. I donāt mind if people rant under my posts as well if need be. I want you to feel free to express what you want here and not be afraid of judgement or criticism. So please be nice here, Iām begging you.
Enjoy your stay :3 Whether it be just a temporary stop or youāre here for the long haul, I appreciate you stopping by.
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This is the first Pride that I'm celebrating not only as an ally but as someone who isn't necessarily straight. Though I am still trying to find out who I am and who I like, I feel closer to finding the real me.
I am very blessed to have a support system that I know is going to stick by me no matter what. But I know that some people don't have that same experience, and it breaks my heart. I wish I could hug all of you and tell you that you're going to be okay and that though times are really hard right now, you gotta stick it through. Even though you're holding on by a thread, you'll get through this, I promise.
You are loved, you are needed, you deserve to exist.
TW: This is just me ranting here, but there are mentions of the previous president, toxic relationships, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, sexual intimacy, swearing, food, George Floyd (very brief), BLM, etc. If I missed anything, please feel free to let me know, I'm still learning what triggers people :)
Good Evening!
I'm doing a lot better today. I still have thoughts of my future and where I'll end up, but I know I'll be okay. I know I have time, but sometimes it just feels like it's moving so fast that I can't keep up.
I hope someday I'll look back on this and wonder what I was so worried about. I know it probably seems very dumb, looking at the outside in, but I can't help the things I worry about, and neither can you, and that's okay ^^
I still have been thinking about my future partner though. I've only been in one relationship in my short time here and after almost a year being out of it (it was a 7-year relationship, so it was very hard at first) I'm slowly realizing things that happened that I wish I recognized as borderline abusive when I was first in it. The first few years were the 'honeymoon' phase and I was just so blinded by having a partner that I guess I didn't realize how bad it was going to be. There were red flags everywhere. But you know what they say, red flags look like normal flags when you're wearing rose-colored glasses.
I'm going to call them J for now.
We were very different but very similar at the same time. At the time, I never cared that their opinions on things were different than mine because I wanted to be mature about it. But things came to a head these last few years thanks to the orange cult leader we know as Trump. J wholeheartedly believed that this man had done nothing wrong. They victim-blamed all of the women that came forward about the abuse they experienced and just... I don't know. It's appalling that I still dealt with that for so long.
The first red flag that I blatantly ignored, was I asked them if we had a child that was part of the LGBTQ, what would they do? J (without hesitating) said that they would not love them and try to change them. They did not want their kid to go to Hell when they died and wanted to be with them in heaven. This was the 2nd year we dated, and I just thought that was okay??? I'd also like to add, this was before I started to question my sexuality and who I liked. J still doesn't know that I'm Panromantic and probably Pansexual too. I just know that J would "try to change my ways".
The second was probably that I admitted that I didn't believe in God and they just continuously started pushing it into our lifestyle.
J also told their father about what I had done to protest Trump's actions, KNOWING that J's dad would be so up my ass about it. They told their dad about how I supported BLM and how I had reserve tickets to his rally just to not go in front of me. I was on the couch, watching TV with their family and J just decided to bring that up, like it was a fucking conversation starter. Their dad started berating me calling me a communist and a N**i and a fascist and a bunch of other things that I blocked out. And they just stood there. Not defending me or anything. They didn't care about my feelings. They didn't give one shit about them. It was very clear at that moment. So I just left them there. They could figure out how to get home. We didn't live far, their parents could bring them home. I drove there after all.
The sad part? I didn't break up with J until almost a year later. I stuck with them for so long after going through so much mental abuse that I didn't know what love was.
I was also going to participate in a BLM peaceful protest with people from our small conservative town. We ended up canceling because the townspeople threatened us with guns and J said that was perfectly justified. Like, what the actual fuck??
J had always told me that I was stupid and it made them mad whenever I needed extra validation that day. I always asked, "Do you still love me?" "Are you mad at me?" etc etc because their actions didn't make me feel loved. I felt like I was the only one who tried and kept us going.
My love language is gift-giving, so whenever I went to the store to get groceries (which they refused to go with me whenever I did because they hated going with me and made it known that they disliked it whenever I begged them to come with me), I always made it a part of the trip to get J something as well. A small gift, like a booster pack or ever their favorite snack. I always made dinners with stuff that J liked and purposefully didn't get anything that I liked but they didn't (they were a VERY picky eater). But I got almost nothing in return. I didn't mind it much until I realized that I had done so much for this person for almost nothing in return. I cooked the dinners, I offered to pay for the meal, etc. They had also guilt-tripped me into doing sexual favors for them all the time, KNOWING that I had sexual trauma and was not ready for it / didn't feel comfortable doing it at the time.
Whenever I did get gifts, it was either something that I had to point out, "Hey, you should get me that for -insert holiday here-" or I would have to pay half of it.
It is also disappointing to look back at previous journal entries I have and seeing how much I thought that I was the one at fault. I'm the one with anger issues, I'm the one who is not perfect, they are. We would argue about things a lot. Whenever my bottle would explode from the day's events and J just didn't help anything at all. They would constantly tell me that I made no sense and that I was the bad guy. (Just now realizing that that is literally gaslighting, great). And yeah, I'll admit, sometimes I would blow up at them for no reason. I was an angry person and sometimes I just wanted someone to listen, but J just flat out refused and told me to turn to the bible for help. I'm not a perfect person, and they knew that, but I feel like they didn't make an effort to help me the way I helped them all the time. I let them rant all the time about their job, their siblings, etc. While I was just a complainer and needed to 'lighten up, shit happens.'
J was out of a job for almost a year, so I had not treated myself to anything that entire time because I was the 'breadwinner' of the household. They wanted to start writing stories that they came up with and I was 100% on board. I helped them flesh out some of their ideas and put in my 2 cents every now and then. I wanted them to succeed, I wanted J to do what they wanted so bad. But they wouldn't do anything. it was always 'I don't feel like it" "I'll do it tomorrow". Somehow I let it slide. I let J buy new games all the time so that they were entertained while I was at work even though I knew we needed that money for rent and food. It wasn't until late 2019 that I finally broke down and told them that they needed to find a job. I was exhausted from the stress and I just wanted to feel safe knowing that I didn't have to worry about food. I felt so wrong telling them what to do and when they needed to do it, but it needed to happen.
The reason why I finally left J, was because of a friend I made online. We had met while I was playing OW and we started talking. I call them D.
D and I instantly clicked. We talked all the time and just had fun talking and BSing about just random shit. It was really nice. It wasn't until one day that we were talking, that I had asked D, how they felt about their partner asking for extra validation. I don't like putting people on the spot like that, but they made me feel so valid. They said that they didn't quite understand where I was coming from, but that if their partner felt like they needed it, D would gladly tell them that they were okay and that nothing was wrong. D wanted to give them that extra validation. They told me that there was nothing wrong with needing someone to tell you that everything was okay.
That's when I started realizing that things were not okay with J and me. Something was not right with the relationship we were in. Though I still stayed, hoping everything would fix itself. That August, we got into a huge fight because J was "concerned about what I was sharing and posting on Facebook" about George Floyd. I was sharing things like how police are not the judge, jury, and executioner and how George should not have died that day, no matter what the situation was. J talked to their family before coming to me about it, which I felt very conflicted about. We didn't talk for about a week before J asked me if I still loved them. At the time, I don't know if I did, but I wanted things to work out. I wanted to stay in this relationship even if my heart and mind were talking to me that I shouldn't. We ended up breaking up that day but got back together. After that, I just was not emotionally available. I didn't want any kind of affection from J and 5 days before my birthday, I called it off. J moved out that week.
Ever since then, certain moments came into my head and I realized that I deserved better. I have no intention of getting back together even though J wanted to try again in about a year. I know I deserve better than them, I know I do. It's just upsetting that it took 7 years to realize that.
If you take anything from this, please don't let toxic people into your life. They will knock you down again and again until there's nothing to come back to.
TL;DR My ex is very toxic and I didn't realize until our 7-year relationship was over.
This turned out to be me just ranting about my previous relationship, I'm sorry. I just don't have many people to talk to about it and I don't want people to think that I'm still obsessed with them (maybe I'm not IDK, I did just write a fucking essay on their shitty behavior).
TW: Talking about the future, anxiety, depression, talking about past relationships, talking about my dad (I donāt know if this fits here, but I know people do not have as good of a relationship with theirs as much as I, so I wanted to be safe.)
Today was tough for me. I donāt know what happened, but today I had to leave early from work because I was not feeling well. My stomach was churning and I had a lump in my throat for the first two hours, but no fever or anything. I donāt wanna say that it was a panic/anxiety attack, but I donāt think it was, but I know that Iām not sick (at least I hope not), it was something mental. Thankfully, my boss recognized that I was not feeling well, and let me go home. Iām very grateful.
I had to move back in with my parents a couple months ago, so when I got home, I was very thankful that my dad was still home. He sat there aĀ hugged more for a long time, letting me know that it would be okay. I just let it all out.
My dad is still learning a lot, so he doesnāt understand everything that goes on, but he still wanted to be there for me.
Iāve been thinking about my future a lot the last couple days, and I realized that I had no idea what I wanted with my life. Iāve spent the last couple years just going with the flow and just being numb emotionally altogether, that it overwhelmed me.
What if I never found my person? What if I never figured out my passion? What if I never became happy?
I already feel like I wasted my teenage years with my last partner. They were my first actual relationship and I realized too late that it was super abusive and ended up spending 7 YEARS with them. I realized too late that I was too comfortable in a relationship with someone who I didnāt really love and made me hate a lot about myself. I felt super gross. I hate myself for it.
I donāt want to waste more of my life, but what else can I do? I donāt want to go to college without knowing what I want to major in. I just feel super unmotivated because of this, but I know I need to find the motivation to do SOMETHING. But what?
Funnily enough, me being the hopeless romantic that I am, this all came about because I was playing a romance visual novel called, Our Story: Beginning and Always (highly recommend btw, it is very inclusive and just a fun story overall). The main love interest, Cove, is someone who admittedly, who I want to have in my life. I know itās dumb to simp over a fictional character, but itās really the only thing I grasp onto now. Basically, you play through summers and end up meeting Cove, because he and his dad moved into town, and his dad wants you to be friends with him, because Cove is going through a tough time. You play summers as a child, a teenager, and right when you graduate High school. I have major fomo (if you canāt tell already) and was just wishing that I could be in that situation. Living in a beach town and having a friends to lovers relationship is something I yearn for regularly. but *trauma* just had to happen to me, and made me the depressed sack of shit that I am.
My old high school classmates have been graduating college too, so that made me think a lot too. I know that I have so much left of my life to go yet, and I have plenty of time, but it all just seems to go by too fast. I have lost a lot of hope, but Iām really trying.
All in all, Iāve been trying to convince myself that Iāll be okay and that Iāll find my way someone. I fit into this huge world somehow. There are plenty of opportunities for me out there and it might take time, but I wish I could figure it our sooner.
Iām getting some self-help books and looking into meditating regularly. Maybe thatāll help a little. I donāt have money to go to a therapist, sadly, but I hope I will eventually.
For now, I just gotta convince my brain that Iāll be okay.
