#thinkingofthefuture

Today was tough for me. I don’t know what happened, but today I had to leave early from work because I was not feeling well. My stomach was churning and I had a lump in my throat for the first two hours, but no fever or anything. I don’t wanna say that it was a panic/anxiety attack, but I don’t think it was, but I know that I’m not sick (at least I hope not), it was something mental. Thankfully, my boss recognized that I was not feeling well, and let me go home. I’m very grateful.

I had to move back in with my parents a couple months ago, so when I got home, I was very thankful that my dad was still home. He sat there a  hugged more for a long time, letting me know that it would be okay. I just let it all out.

My dad is still learning a lot, so he doesn’t understand everything that goes on, but he still wanted to be there for me.

I’ve been thinking about my future a lot the last couple days, and I realized that I had no idea what I wanted with my life. I’ve spent the last couple years just going with the flow and just being numb emotionally altogether, that it overwhelmed me.

What if I never found my person? What if I never figured out my passion? What if I never became happy?

I already feel like I wasted my teenage years with my last partner. They were my first actual relationship and I realized too late that it was super abusive and ended up spending 7 YEARS with them. I realized too late that I was too comfortable in a relationship with someone who I didn’t really love and made me hate a lot about myself. I felt super gross. I hate myself for it.

I don’t want to waste more of my life, but what else can I do? I don’t want to go to college without knowing what I want to major in. I just feel super unmotivated because of this, but I know I need to find the motivation to do SOMETHING. But what?

Funnily enough, me being the hopeless romantic that I am, this all came about because I was playing a romance visual novel called, Our Story: Beginning and Always (highly recommend btw, it is very inclusive and just a fun story overall). The main love interest, Cove, is someone who admittedly, who I want to have in my life. I know it’s dumb to simp over a fictional character, but it’s really the only thing I grasp onto now. Basically, you play through summers and end up meeting Cove, because he and his dad moved into town, and his dad wants you to be friends with him, because Cove is going through a tough time. You play summers as a child, a teenager, and right when you graduate High school. I have major fomo (if you can’t tell already) and was just wishing that I could be in that situation. Living in a beach town and having a friends to lovers relationship is something I yearn for regularly. but *trauma* just had to happen to me, and made me the depressed sack of shit that I am.

My old high school classmates have been graduating college too, so that made me think a lot too. I know that I have so much left of my life to go yet, and I have plenty of time, but it all just seems to go by too fast. I have lost a lot of hope, but I’m really trying.

All in all, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’ll be okay and that I’ll find my way someone. I fit into this huge world somehow. There are plenty of opportunities for me out there and it might take time, but I wish I could figure it our sooner.

I’m getting some self-help books and looking into meditating regularly. Maybe that’ll help a little. I don’t have money to go to a therapist, sadly, but I hope I will eventually.

For now, I just gotta convince my brain that I’ll be okay.

Thank you for listening to me ramble :3

-Agent 606 signing off-