i have spent the last two years thinking that if i stood up for myself about our security guard constantly misgendering me and making me check the women's bathroom and making transmisogynistic jokes with one of my coworkers that people would get upset with me if he got into trouble. bc he's so well-known and beloved in the community, a lot of my coworkers love him, and i have the spectre of my childhood haunting me so i think it's just easier for everybody if i don't say anything about things that are distressing and harmful to me

but i could not handle him watching me while i drive home from work. literally driving his car next to mine, watching me and my friend who i give rides home to sometimes, and then joking about what he saw me doing to other people in front of me the next time he saw me. saying that he thought it was so funny how my and my friend were laughing or that my hat was askew or just other weird shit that made me feel so uncomfortable. and he started up on it last thursday and i freaked out on him in front of the whole opening crew. just could not stop myself from talking over him, saying how weird and creepy it is that he watches me while i'm driving and i have so much going on right now and it's so stressful to know somebody is watching me like that. and he was laughing through most of this until he realized i wasn't joking, and then started asking if i was okay. obviously not!! because of you!!!

i had to leave work early bc i had a breakdown about all this when my supervisor asked me to explain what was happening bc she had walked in after i started freaking out at him and then i couldn't calm down. i had to get an emergency prescription of klonopin just to be able to work at that library when he's there

and after all this i still thought that people would hate me for not wanting to be around him bc in my mind, i assumed they'd think i was overreacting. but yesterday was the first day i had to work with him again and my coworkers are all on my side. one of them was concerned i'd quit over it and asked if i wanted her help making a formal complaint since she's done that before. another told me she's thought that i've been underreacting to the transphobic stuff and has been pushing him to respect me and has been pissed that he just isn't trying. my manager is giving me the least amount of desk shifts possible until my medical leave since that's where i'd have to interact with him the most. two other coworkers literally formed a human barrier so i wouldn't have to walk next to him as we were leaving for the night bc he insists on holding the door open for all of us after we close. a manager must have told him to stop waiting for all staff to leave the parking lot before he left bc he just left immediately. i still drove a different way home bc my anxiety about this is really bad and idk how long it's going to take for my nervous system to chill out. but it's such a relief to know that i have so much support

idk what i want to do, like i don't know if i want to make a formal complaint. i know if i do and he gets fired i will have people who hate me, but i also know i have so many people who would support me. i am so stressed about other things like my surgery and finishing school next semester and all the other bullshit at work with our remodel and new schedules, and idk if adding the stress of this is worth it when i only have 5 more days i work with him before leave and my friend told me that he's applying to other jobs

i know he didn't see an issue with what he was doing and i tried so hard to be friendly and ignore his transphobia before he started watching me drive, so idk. that makes me feel like i should have been addressing all this earlier or it's "not fair". but my manager, other managers, and coworkers have all been addressing the transphobia for years, so it's not like he didn't know about that being an issue. i am concerned about backlash, both from staff and patrons bc if he is fired he will know it's bc of me reporting him and i don't doubt that he'd tell people it was my fault. and i love working at this library and in this community, and i hate that i'm worried about how defending myself could make me an outcast

at least i'll be off work for a little bit soon and i have klonopin and my psychiatrist is ready to sign paperwork for more medical leave after my surgery recovery if i need it for my mental health. my very supportive coworkers from yesterday are encouraging me to take her up on that and at least do intermittent leave and i think i'll be able to consider it more when i'm on medical leave

just 9 more work days and only 5 of those are with the security guard until i am off work. i will probably end up talking with my supervisor more today about how i'm doing + options for navigating this (whether or not i decide to do a formal complaint) today