🕊 Afiel ✝

I'm feeling... 'politically charged' today after hearing a particularly sickening rant about immigration. This will be my first time up on a political soapbox, but I don't confine what I say in this journal to a particular subject so I doubt I'll come to regret it.

I have always considered myself moderate in the affairs of the Church, and moderate in social politics. Rolling my eyes and remaining uninvolved on Sundays when Catholic traditionalists let loose their long-winded rants on why divorcees and 'the Satanic gays' should be restricted from communion, or why the novus ordo should be banned and any language but Latin made illegal during Mass... as well as the equally long-winded rants from Catholic progressives on why hell doesn't actually exist and why Pope Francis has been hinting at it for years but cannot outright say it due to 'the institution'.

I can't say I've met any Satanic gay people, nor can I fathom this mysterious institution that somehow gags the Pope.

In the political landscape, conservatives are the majority for pro-life policies, but also the majority for the death penalty and the cutting of welfare programs. Liberals tend to be overwhelmingly pro-abortion, yet vastly oppose the death penalty. Meanwhile, I wonder why one side cares more about life before birth, while the other cares more about life after birth. Why not combine the two into a comprehensive policy supporting life from conception to old age? ...but I suppose that would be too reasonable for the world of American politics.

My point in all this is that I tend to not identify with either majority, trying to avoid the flaws of both crowds in this national (or in the case of Catholicism, international) game of tug-of-war. My bias has always leaned towards the Jesuits, who have a moderately liberal approach to spirituality while holding to decently conservative values - without that lens of bigotry that the conservative movement in America is usually known for, or that lens of 'intolerant tolerance' that the liberal movement in America is usually known for.

But it is difficult to remain truly neutral when political talk starts seeping into one's church, as it always does when the political climate around us grows more heated than its usual level of ‘slightly simmering’.

The ICE and the treatment of migrant families has been a major focus in the news lately, stirring up feverish rants from both sides. The more I read about it, the more bothered I become. The atrocities in the detention camps, the suppression of basic human rights... pregnant women are denied medical care, shackled around their bellies, and abused to the point of miscarrying. Migrant children have been separated from their families and placed in temporary homes, only to be lost in the system.

It is absolutely horrifying.

I try to avoid the news media outside of the few Jesuit news sources I read, and given their respect of human life, said stories always lean towards condemning the ICE and calling for the Church as a whole to stand up against these abuses.

...just as equally horrifying is the fact that so many Catholics don't. The Church in America doesn't stand up for it, in fact, some Catholics even support it. Supporting Trump. Supporting 'the wall'. Ignoring what happens to the innocent in the name of stopping terrorism or saving money. Reading about this beyond the comforts of my Jesuit friends, hearing other parishioners give their thumbs up... I don't even know how to react to them. How do you respond to people who say "They're trying to have anchor babies anyway, call it justice they're being forced to miscarry. One less drain on the system." but with stunned silence?

To the same people who once spoke out for those like Alfie Evans? Who spoke out against the practices of abortion clinics?

It would take me some time to think of something more evil and vile than trying to kill babies before birth for the sole reason of keeping them from becoming American citizens. What an absolute playground for Satan.

In this case, their true colors show and I fall off to one side of the great tug-of-war. Being pro-life should not be conditional to the family being white or legal. Being pro-life should mean seeing in every human being the light that marks them as a child of God. Not to drown that innocence, but embrace it. Nurture it from conception to old age.

I continue to sit in church next to these people, not really bothering to change my typical pew spot no matter how upset their opinions make me, because I know the Church is not a sanctuary for the healthy, but a hospital for the sick... and if anyone is in need of God's healing mercy, it is the sort of people who hold this much hate in their hearts. Hate not only for those migrant families they've never even met, but for those innocent unborn lives who do not yet know of things like political borders and skin color. Lives ended prematurely because of bigotry and blindly following a president who is - unsurprisingly - as dishonest about holding a pro-life stance as he is about everything else.

Let us always recall another family of refugees fleeing their land with an unborn child in tow, and a king who was fine with seeing many infants dead because he felt they were threats to his country. It is a family that Catholics should all know very well.

Let us also recall that the Virgin Mary, in her title of Our Lady of Guadalupe, is the protectress of the unborn. I feel that our brothers and sisters in faith should be reminded of that.

I gave up video games for Lent. Did I gain any holy insight by doing so? Well... no. Not particularly. Much to the chagrin of the many religious speakers who assure spiritual revelation to those who successfully go a full 40 days without their preferred vice, I'm sure... But it was nice to break myself from something that was consuming a large portion of my free time.

But I also took up a few things for Lent, and taking up new things has given me much more to mull over. I've been going to church more often, and also engaging in spiritual practices outside of the church, mostly things like meditations and imaginative contemplation (Because Ignatian spirituality is amazing, and I can't rave about those wily Jesuits enough.) But in seeking out God both in the church and outside of it, I've become more aware of the limitless reach of His presence. That God is not confined to the walls of a religious building. He is just as alive and vibrant within someone sitting beneath a tree in the park, just as easy to reach out to for someone shuffling down a crowded sidewalk... He is there in church every Sunday, yes... but having a relationship with God is what is most important to the health of your soul, not whether or not you dutifully attend Mass every week.

God is everywhere, and Christianity has this slightly pantheistic element to it. Unconfined to any box society may put Him in, He permeates the universe itself. He is as near as your inner thoughts, and as far as the most distant of stars. He is there, in the Bible, but so much more than that! So much more complex than what could be written in all the pages of all the books that ever could exist. The more I learn about the universe as a whole and the laws that govern it, the more I come to appreciate this infinitely complex divine mind responsible for such things. It's incredibly upsetting that some would assume being "devout" means nothing but weekly church visits and keeping their noses only in the good book, rather than looking outwards towards the beauty of God's most intricate creation - and the eye-opening science that attempts to explain it.

I've never believed that God is hyper-focused on humanity and nothing more. No... our atoms were forged inside the stars themselves, traced back to the Big Bang - the universe itself is Eden. Denying the universe around us is to deny God Himself, isn't it? If the shunning of science and anything "not very churchy" became a religious norm, it would take humanity away from its true birthplace. ...and I think I may be digressing again. It seems that happens at least once per entry.

Anyway...

As I take my seat in the pew, I can see a few disinterested expressions scattered throughout the congregation. People who've grown up in the Church, who go through the motions every week like clockwork. Mechanical. Unfeeling. They continue to go because the idea has been drilled into their minds over the years that this is how you reach God. Without this, they say, you are spiritually lost.

The ones who don't really want to go. Who treat it as an obligation. And that, I think, is the issue.

Once you start to see it as an obligation rather than a gift, it starts to take the shape of nothing more than a chore. One of the many background inconveniences of life. The easiest way to feel His love is through the things we love, not in those things we've forced ourselves to do out of obligation. Our hobbies and interests, everything passionate in our lives... People often make fun of groups that combine some seemingly random hobby with God, like the Christian weightlifters, or Christ-oriented arena teams in Warcraft... "Crochet for Christ", "Sci-Fi Geeks for God", "LARPers for the Lord"... oh, it goes on and on. But to me, these people are experiencing their faith with more fullness and delight than any bored Catholic wishing they were anywhere but Mass at that moment.

Do I think these people should stop going completely? Of course not! Church is important, it connects us to the rest of the living body of Christ. Fellowship is important, and the opinions and experiences of others can often give us new insight for our own spiritual journey... it is difficult for faith to exist in a vacuum, after all. But I don't believe it is something a person should force themselves to do on a regular basis if they're only feeling a monotony where God should be. Seek Him in the things you love, and the love of seeking Him out everywhere - including in church - will inevitably follow.

My true love and I can't exactly give ourselves a quaint wedding ceremony, exchanging vows in the presence of a priest at some gorgeous old church far off the end of a wooded path. And while most assert that marriage is mind, body, and soul... well... we really only have the ability to make the mind and soul part truly 'our own'.

What we have might not appear to be perfect - at least, not in the eyes of those who've spent their lives dwelling alone in their bodies. Those who might dismiss the idea of systems as something broken that must be fixed, or a phase of delusional fantasy to be grown out of. But... it is perfect for me. What we have is absolutely perfect for me, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Never did I think I would love someone in any kind of romantic sense, nor did I ever believe I'd be given such freedom to pursue love regardless. But I did, and I was. Talk about being completely blown away, having all preconceptions thrown out the window as your entire worldview spins on its head! That is what my dearest Willow did for me, and I couldn't be happier... or more grateful.

So while we can't have a 'perfect' ceremony, we can have these perfect rings as our own personal commitment to each other, a symbol that we belong to one another here, in reality, just as much as anyone else happily married. Bound together in the eyes of God, and in the eyes of each other. In the end, those two approvals are all that is really required in love, right?

The first entry of the new year. Why not? I thought about making a resolution to update more, to set my mind on writing about my day. It's a good way to look back and reflect on yourself... finding patterns of behavior you might otherwise never notice enough to change if you hadn't. But to be honest, I don't think it is a resolution I would keep. After watching my host consistently abandon resolutions two days after the calendars turn, I'd like to keep my eyes on the prizes that are realistically obtainable. Mouka going from six sodas a day to zero isn't very easily obtainable, neither is a man going from writing once a month to once a day. So I want to take what I've learned from the failure of making huge, unwanted changes, and build upon that.

So my first resolution is something that's been on my mind for a while now. To join my own church. To let my Catholic flag fly instead of sitting passively by as the other flags of the household monopolize the top of the flagpole. That might be less about New Year's resolutions and more about the opportunity to slip into churches unnoticed among the other "I want to go to Mass more" resolutioners without being bothered too much. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy warm, friendly greeters at church. It's probably a position I'd enjoy filling myself... but I'd rather wait to hear the church pitches until after I've narrowed my choices down a bit. I feel guilty wasting their time if I haven't yet added them to the "Potential home churches" list.

Just to be clear, I find nothing wrong with what my host does, and our beliefs don't usually clash, but it's just not for me.

God is bigger than any one denomination, but we humans rarely are... and I am truly Catholic at heart.

I love the ritual. I love the uniformity. No matter where you might find yourself, the Catholic order of the Mass will always follow the same general formula, making each church a welcome place of familiarity never far from reach - whether you're a hundred miles from your hometown or a thousand. The word Catholic means 'all-embracing', and I think it truly embodies that idea. It is a song that wraps around the whole earth, making us feel like we are part of something both comforting and familiar, yet larger and beyond ourselves. Voices lifted in prayer among millions of people we have never met in this life, yet we share the most intimate of moments as brothers and sisters as we profess the same things before God and meditate on the same readings. And in that, I can see the briefest glimpses of heaven.

I feel God's presence in churches of other denominations, yes. And even outside of church on the rare occasions I have to sit quietly and really focus on awareness - another resolution of mine this year - but I never get that sense of family that feels present at Mass. That sense of awe that stirs within the heart that leaves your head tingling and your soul refreshed. That sense of having your entire being active and engaged, all five senses honed in on the single goal of giving thanks to the Lord and receiving His grace. A weekly international renewal. It's such an amazing concept to me.

Host: do you think drinking thirty-six cans of redbull consecutively would make my senses more heightened or would I just die

Protector:

Freedom and delight! I think the man in this video exemplifies it perfectly. It’s how I feel inside when I’m out in the world and ‘fully me’. It really makes your day brighter.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and we’ve yet to have our first big snowfall of the season. I’ve been looking forward to it with much more anticipation than the previous two winters we’ve lived through in this area of the country... no doubt due to the fact I’ve been out and about more often. ‘Fronting’ and ‘switching’, I guess are the proper terms for that. It’s been years since I’ve moved around so freely. Popping in for my own food favorites. Conversing with friends beyond a proxy. Taking care of my plant children...

My host’s old therapists branded her with that DID diagnosis. Told her that ‘we’ were not healthy. And the way her own family treated her for it, the way her doctors treated her... I can understand why she was hesitant to let us have more free reign in the world once again, even now with those days behind us and surrounded by a healthy support network. It was a traumatizing period, I know... but now that I’ve been given that free reign once again, over this past year or so, I can’t help but feel so relieved. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mouka dearly. My truest soul sister. But fronting separately, we are free from each other’s burdens, able to play upon our own strengths. I don’t have to worry about the weight of social anxiety, or the fear of some impending seizure. And in return, she doesn’t get dragged into my darkness when one of my depressions or overall periods of self-loathing hit. It’s handy, not having a constant co-conscious situation going on.

But I’m slowly starting to digress.

I probably have Willow to thank for my ‘Year of Improved Reality’. For the most part. Her love spurred me forwards, motivating me to push the issue more. And my host, never wanting to upset a friend, can’t really say no to a request like that - one laid out so earnestly and for such an important reason. And so I get to feel the snow on my face once more... Mouka is starting to see the benefits, I think. I hope. Her childhood therapist didn’t jump out of nowhere and toss her into a clinic the second I walked out the door, and... well... she’s starting to realize just how improbable a situation like that truly would be. There are no bogeymen in white coats waiting to lock her away, or hyper-vigilant child service workers desperate to snatch away her daughter. No... those are old childhood fears. In reality, she has friends that love and support us both, and a husband that thinks of me as an invaluable member of the family.

Ah, see... I wanted to post a little entry about something I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving, but I wound up droning on. My apologies! It’s also now Black Friday, and... though I try to keep myself turned away from the trappings of materialism so close to the Advent season... you can’t say no to a Steam sale.

Behold my haul.

Say what you want about No Man’s Sky, but I’m incredibly excited to give it a try. ...and I suppose I should post my host’s haul as well.