No Pho

I had a bad dream

I can’t even remember really how it started. But I was sitting there with friends? Yeah friends. At least, they were familiar and could have been old friends. I know one was Jack O’Brien from middle school. I can’t remember if it was Jake that was with me - but in my dream I was worried about leaving jake by himself.

One memory I have is with My mom and I in some weird shopping center or gift store. I had a cart that went from folded up like a bag in my hands and popped out like a basket but it was heavy and built like any kind of shopping cart.

I was indecisive on what I wanted.

I remember seeing makeup and empty packages and weird toys or objects I had no clue what to call them.

Another memory is lining up with this large crowd of people not knowing any but the group that I sat with. And grabbing plates of food from a cafe line. Similar to those in high school where you grabbed a tray and asked for food. I was scared to though. I felt my anxiety kick in and I only held a plate for a friend and ate a noodle off his plate.

I remember my old elementary school friend Kaelie was there. She sat at the end of the table and got sad bc we didn’t bring her a plate of food.

I remember getting up bc I sucked up my anxiety and wanted some food but I walked back to the line and the food was gone. I looked around the corner and the lunch ladies that served the food were enjoying the leftovers.

We were sitting at a weird picnic table and I was really craving a frosty from Wendy’s - but there was a rule that we couldn’t leave the camp after a certain time. At least I think it was a camp... Everyone at my table was sitting and trying to think of this “How Cold is he” chant that no one could remember the words to. I had a phone, and I couldn’t even type the words into a search engine because they just weren’t coming to my head.

There was a movie, or black and white film clip playing I don’t remember what it was about.

All of a sudden two ladies come by the table and tell Jack to give me this weird candy bar. The name of it was unclear to me, but it was a rectangular yellow wrapping with one long side cut open to see the chocolate - marshmallow filled chocolate bar. It wasn’t like any American candy I’ve seen before.

Whoever was next to me, I whispered “I don’t trust Eating this candy bar”. The woman walked behind me to a kitchen where there was a sink and they were scrubbing the life out of their hands. One woman laughed, I think the sponge on her hand tickled.

Next thing I remember, these strange vehicles started coming down this pathway to the left of our table. At this point, the large outdoor seating are became just out small table and just these familiar faces occupied it.

Someone at my table asked, “what are those?” Followed by someone else saying, “they look Japanese”. Which is unclear as well. I don’t remember if they said Japanese or Korean. Then we saw soldier looking people get out, two on the arm of one regular looking person. Naked. A naked person and they started lining them up.

Thinking about it now it reminds me of some Holocaust based movie I watched where they would line the Jewish men and women up to shoot them in the back of the head.

I never actually witnessed anybody get shot.

I also don’t remember eating the chocolate,but I must have. It made me very important.

These soldiers smiled at us and we offered to move our table back so they could line up these naked people. But they didn’t end up staying by us. They ended somewhere away from.

The middle of this next part is foggy. All I remember now is coming back to the table to see everyone gone. There were other buildings though. It seemed like everyone including the people I knew, were all gone so I looked through the windows of other buildings and saw people walking and lights were on with shadows passing through the windows.

I remember walking through other lunch rooms that were in these different buildings and telling all these people “It’ll be okay” over and over and over again. I remember looking at a teacher - I could be wrong but it looked like a teacher that I didn’t know personally, but who I passed so many times in the hallway in HS. I looked at him and quietly said “it’s not going to be okay”. Almost like I was trying to tell him what I was doing and the people I was walking around the cafeteria with was not good at all.

The woman that gave me the chocolate, and the boy I told that I didn’t trust eating it were the only people I could remember being with in this other building. And the boy grabbed me and told me “I won’t ever kill you. Believe me I won’t.” That’s when I thought of my boyfriend and how he was at home, not here. I worried how upset he would be if he found out I was dead.

What if the outside world was already dead?

Today, August 8th, Anxiety, YOU, attacked me.

You sent me hurling myself into the bathtub and drenching myself with ice cold water just to try and slow my heart rate - you really stabbed me good in my chest.

The pain was unbearable.

Then you grabbed my head and slammed it against the wall, making it hard to see straight and difficult to stand up right - that had to be the worst part.

You had no right. I almost let you win, but today I fought back.

Today that cold water calmed me down. Today the friendly male voice that came through my headphones, telling me to breathe and really feel the sensations - it’s an app, not a creep - that meditation relaxes me.

I felt the knife cut through my chest and I felt the tingling in my head and my face - it was like feeling TV static throughout my body - the blood that rushed to my head because I had to decide whether I wanted to “fight or flight” when I got forced into making that decision

Because you, Anxiety, decided to attack me.

No more will you pound on my chest or shake my head. You are not stronger than me.

Just because you’re present right now, does not mean I won’t overcome you. AGAIN.

You can’t defeat me, because I am who I am because I do not give up - I REFUSE to give up.

I should thank you, Anxiety...

Not for the pain, or the worry, or the sleepless nights -you can shove it for those symptoms.

But I thank you for my strength, for my resilience, and for my inability to let little my mind take over my body.

I should thank you for my peace that I feel when I finally realize my worth after so long of you trying to take it from me.

1,756 miles and then some is the only thing that separates me from my best friend and the love of my life…

Many people have it worse than me, but I’ve never had a someone like you that I just miss so much.

No matter how far we actually are, I know our friendship is still there, and my love for you grows more than the distance between us.

You know how much I miss you, more and more each day, because I say it so much - maybe too much.

But it doesn’t take my love for you away, not one bit.

We talk more than enough, and you have things to do and people with you that keep you busy,

Because the uniform you wear and the reason you’re so far is more important than little old me.

But I can’t help wondering if you’re missing me just as much - or even just a little bit - I know you say it too.

1,756 miles and then some, but you’re still only a phone call away.

Even through the constant loss of service, I could always wait for the connection, because

Hearing your voice was the best part of my day.

Always making me smile and forcing me to laugh - even on my worst days.

There is no number of miles that could keep us apart, and I know you’ll be home soon.

I can only hope you keep me in your heart when you receive the letters I sent to you.

The pictures on my wall of you and I together I made copies of so you can look at them too.

Whenever you’re down or missing home I’ll be right on your bed frame looking over you.

1,756 miles and then some might be the space between us now,

But when you come home I’ll be waiting with arms wide and a smile

Bigger than any distance that could separate us.

My wish is that you read this and you will smile too,

Knowing how much I love you

Even through all the camouflage fabric,

ouija: yes are you alone

me: yes

ouija: haha nice whats up :P

me: trying to contact my dead grandmother

I am in my second semester of my first year of college and already I have suffered heartbreak by an older guy who I thought was going to be the one good thing in my life, but instead ripped out every last piece of self confidence I had.

I know, I know. A guy shouldn’t have the power to do that, but there comes a time when we make ourselves so vulnerable to the idea that someone could actually love us, that it takes a toll on our entire outlook on life.

This guy wasn’t just any guy either - he was indeed the love of my life. And I know how many times those words are uttered from any girl you encounter, but for real, he was absolutely perfect.

I accepted his flaws and at first it seemed like he had immediately accepted mine.

I had shared things with him that even my closest family members, to this day, have no clue about.

I let him talk to me about things that made me feel like I was special because he told me - and made it seem like he told only me.

I was never swooning about his looks, though he was very attractive, that’s not why I fell in love with him at all.

I had never met him.

I knew what he looked like - we had snapped each other, we had facetimed, but never once did I see him in person.

This whole three months that we talked I was the happiest and most vibrant I had been in a very long time.

I could tell right away it was different because I noticed how happy I was without being told I looked better -  because I was. I was better.

It’s sad how it all ended though.

While we were still going strong, there wasn’t one day I bundled up in my room and ignored my friends and family because I didn’t know why I felt so bad about myself.

There wasn’t a week I missed school because I lacked the motivation to get out of bed in the  morning.

There wasn’t a meal I ignored because I was too sad to stomach the food and had no reason to eat.

Of course, fairytales don’t exist - that’s why it had to end.

We stopped talking because he ignored me for days… then it turned to weeks...then when I finally realized we were never talking again, I completely lost control.

And I never got an explanation.

This all happened four months ago.

Ever since then, I have had trouble talking to guys without feeling abandoned when they don’t answer.

I haven’t been able to share my inner flaws with anyone besides my two closest friends.

I haven’t even been able to go out without feeling like I’m dragging my friends down with this hopeless lonely feeling because I just don’t want them to leave too.

But I also think about how much this guy affected me in a total of seven months.

I had never met him.

How could I let someone I never met make me feel like I am the most unloved, unwanted, and useless person on the planet?

How could I give my whole self to someone I never met and act like the heartbreak was a surprise?

It is my fault I let him walk all over me and make me feel this way.

I opened up to a stranger and the result was just inevitable - I was only oblivious.

I know I can’t help how people act, and I can’t try to change it with kind words and wearing my heart on my sleeve.

But I can avoid the consequences by keeping myself away from the problem.

Even if it mean completely turning my back on the idea of ‘love’.

My stepdad came home, said ‘hi’ to me and I started crying. 

I haven’t had an actual conversation with anyone besides one or two of my friends - I wouldn’t even consider them conversations - all day. 

I don’t mind being myself some days, but I’m struggling to grasp this feeling in my stomach like I’ve been alone my whole life. 

This feeling won’t go away either - most of the time it’s a physical something in my stomach that I can’t describe as anything other than annoying and painful. 

Listening to sad music only makes the tears come easier than what they would if I were sitting in the shower, sobbing and choking on them - you know, like when you got in trouble as a five year old and screamed bloody murder; that’s how it would be for me as a 19 year old. 

And I wouldn’t be complaining about it on here if I could talk to someone without feeling like a complete burden. 

Farewell for now

Sometimes I forget about the circle of life. You know, the whole, “we live; we die” part...

And I think it’s important that everyone, along with myself, comes to the point of accepting the naturality of them both.

It’s hard to think about people leaving their bodies behind and going somewhere we know absolutely nothing about, factually. Everything we think we know about ‘the great beyond’ is even beyond whatever God, Gods, or goddesses, you believe in; what your parents make you believe in.

Everyone I know has gone through the pain of losing someone they loved. Dogs, cats, grandmas, grandpas, moms, and dads - there is a type of emotion that can’t be expressed when we lose someone so close.

And I know I’m not the only who has thought about life after losing someone. Hell, I can’t be the only one to have thought about life after losing someone before they’re even gone.

There’s a certain feeling - whether it’s regret, guilt, physical pain… - it can’t be placed on anyone but you. And you know what I mean, I know you do.

After losing someone you love, you always think you could have done so much more to be with them, to love them, to even acknowledge their existence, but you didn’t.

Because you were busy. There comes a point in everyone’s life where there is stuff that prevents you from even thinking about doing anything - seeing anyone - besides you.

But you have to be the one that’s doing stuff for you.

And I know this to be true, because though I’ve lost so many people in my life, and I know there will be more, I am busy.

No one blames you for someone dying.

Some days I know how you are. You’re running around from place to place - school, work, sports, kids, bills. It all gets to be so much that at the end of the day you don’t even have time to feed yourself because the undersides of your eyelids never looked so good.

But in the back of your mind, you know there’s that one person that you could be visiting even for a minute, talking to on the phone to say ‘hello’, sending a text or an email, just to see how they’re doing.

And thinking about this whole life cycle thing, makes it hard to look at people without wondering what they’re going through, but there’s no way in hell you would come close to knowing. You are not them. 

But I know you.

You’re holding back tears from fighting with family or a significant other over something that won’t matter a year from now. 

You’re worried about classes and how you’re doing in them because all you want is to make your family proud.

You’re struggling to find acceptance in the way you look and feel because it’s so damn hard to love yourself.

You’re having sleepless nights worrying about that one person you love whose tomorrow may be their last.

I am a person with a heart. I try to wear it on my sleeve as much as the world allows me to - sometimes more.

I care about people when I don’t know them because I know what it’s like to feel alone; to feel like it was your fault.

But this cycle of life is anything but fair. Life isn’t fair and sucks that we have to accept that.

There will be people in your life that will leave with no warning.

There will be people you wish you could have stopped from choosing to leave.

And there will be people who have to suffer in order to leave.

In any case - it is not your fault.

But even a last minute ‘I Love You’ is better than nothing at all.

My friend and I, while we waited for our other friend to get out of class, sat in our usual seats - seats where we could watch attractive people walk by and be silently obnoxious about the things we would do to them.

There is this couple - a very alternative couple (per say of better words) - who we kind of watch like a realty TV show. 

I don’t mean we stalk them everywhere they go or search their social media - I mean whenever they walk by we get excited because they both share the same style (and hair color). 

It’s one of those things only best friends would understand. An inside joke, yeah. 

So, with this couple we survived the lovey - dovey sessions in the library and the break ups (we assumed by the lack of holding hands and seeing  them together during the day). 

We basically know them. 

But have never once spoken to either of them. 

Today, we saw the guy with another girl. 

! Shocker alert !

My friend and I, being the overdramatic Kardashian lovers that we are, grabbed our snacks and sat back waiting to see what was about to go down. 

The OTHER girl gets up and leaves and five minutes later the girlfriend shows up - with a look on her face that me and my friend took as a little upset. 

Not being able to hear a single word she said to him,  we watched him get up and give her the cold shoulder. She silently followed after he got a head start. 

Easy to say, she might have been a little more than upset and my friend and I were a little more than shook as to what we may have just witnessed. 

Just goes to show folks, even the cutest couples have their issues.