The sorrow of him ravages him, silent and stifled against his sternum where it should be deafening, where it should pour like a diluvium and wreck the very foundations of the keep; still he ushers him into the safe confinements of him, into the space he had cleaved open inside his chest for him to inhabit, into cage he had made of himself for shield him from the mindless, hungry teeth of the world too eager to clamp around anything tender and soft. He holds his hair like some tetherâcheek brushing against his tremble, fingertips aching, winding the brown curls of his in a quiet, soothing grip. He wanted to take his heart in his hands, hide it away from the rest world like gold.
There's nothing to forgive.
Wasn't there? He had failed, he realizes now, as he watches his body grow cold and his posture rigid. Not the boy he lovedâbut the vestiges of something he had failed to keep safe. That was always the point, wasn't it? Of every compromise, every cruelty, every stain upon his conscienceâhe had endured them with grace, bowing his head for every lash feasted on nothing but darkness for yearsâit would all be worth it if people like him, if he should never have to carry such burdens. But now he asks to be a scythe, asks to be yielded. Will that hand reap life too? Will it cast others into damnation? Will it stain red with sins he cannot wash away?
He wants to warn him: once you cross over, there are things in the darkness that can keep your heart from ever feeling the light again.
But he would not heed his warning, would he?
He watches Cian slip away from him little by little, gone, drifting, and he knows he has failed, in every way there was to fail. He lets go, fingers curling reflexively at his side, old scars pull taut beneath pale skin. He is a night that raves and moans, restless, uneasy, filled with dreadâthe loss of purpose leaves him without aim, floating in the emptiness of himself. He says nothing more, not a word, not a sound, and the way his hand falls feels final, an unspoken relinquishing hope as he surrendered to his own quietude, his head turns from her, from him, a final act of resignation.
The moon paints him in melancholy's image, perched high in the skies, and like Cian, entirely out of his reach; the pale ghost of his face full of woe, absent of mirth. His heart bleeding, aching, pinned to his throat. He can taste bile, in his head a pounding of a drum, and his rageâhis rage will not slumber, but it feels deflated as his shoulders curl inward, spine wilted with defeat, his mouth was a smear of seeping sadness. It seemed to invade every part of him, down to his very marrow. He mourns him like wolves mourn their own, standing over their bloodied caress, howling in grief. Where was he when their innocence was torn asunder?
I am ignorant to what he plans, he says. and neither do I have the luxury to wait for him to deign to let us find out.
He wants to laugh at the absurdity of the sentiment. Did he not know? How could he not know? He could tell him now.
He'd scorch the earth searching for what he lost. And if he could not find it, he'd scorch it all the same, for daring to deny him. He would have done the same, he almost had. A man driven mad with grief, a man willing to burn the world down for the one person they care aboutâthat's a man he could understand.
He is smilingâbut it's a beast's baring teeth, soulless, quiet footsteps leading him to a deserted corner of the opposing side of where the shadows could cloak him in their familiar embrace. He leans there, without speaking, hunched, where bloody eyes can wander off into the darkness, hands gripping at the railing. For the first time he feels tired, alone. That crippling, aching loneliness that had crawled into him during his years of isolation crawls back to him, reminding him it never left. How could he forget it? The dry, sharp exhale is almost laugh, dead too soon, a chill against the warm weather as the wind rustles with the inky blackness of his hair.