More Being

1. It’s the sexual or romantic desire for a relationship that fades when it is reciprocated. The sexuality of “Why haven’t you gotten a boyfriend yet?” and “Do you really just enjoy playing with people’s feelings?” and “Is that even real thing?“ 2. I have heard these questions a million times, and most of the time they are asked by me 3. These questions come late at night, creeping in my mind and refusing to get out, making everything look darker, making the walls look like they’re caving in on me and the closet seem like it has monsters hiding inside, but I am the monster. 4. When I love, I love deeply. When I was 5 years old I fell in love for the first time. The crush lasted until I was 13. Now maybe I realize that if I had actually told him how I felt I would have gotten over him sooner. 5. I have seen every single romantic comedy, romantic drama, and romantic sic-fi movie on netflix. I watch them friday nights, when all of my friends are out on dates and I am alone. 6. I have always wanted a love like in those movies. But now I see that its only because I know that I’ll never have it. Because once you have it, you can lose it. 7. I broke up with my first girlfriend after 4 weeks. I had simply just lost feelings for her. I used to grin like an idiot when she texted me, but suddenly I just didn’t want to respond. I used to love when she hugged me, but then it felt clingy and unnatural. I used to get butterflies in my lungs when she held me, but then I just flat out could not breathe. She was one of my best friends, and I still loved her. Just not that way, anymore. 8. The second I ended the relationship, I started liking this boy. I had found out from a friend of his that he liked me and this other girl. At first, I cried because I could never compare to her. But then I cried because I hoped he picked her, because she wouldn’t ruin everything like I knew I would. 9.It hits me that I will never get married. I don’t think I can stay in love long enough to convince someone that I am worthy of devoting their life to. I see couples holding hands and laughing and I am tempted to try again, see if maybe it is because I haven’t found the right person, maybe those weren’t supposed to work out. No. I remind myself that I should have been in love with the people who came before. They did everything right. Maybe I can only fall in love with ideas. 10. I still tape “Say Yes to the Dress” 11. Im too afraid to go to pride. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be proud that I have ruined people and destroyed friendships and broken hearts that used to be so full. I don’t understand how it is classified as a sexuality when it feels like a disorder. Like a person comes in and turns a light in my heart on but then my sexuality comes and flips it off with no warning or reason. 12. How am I supposed to live like this? Why is it that I am unable to love people like they love me? 13. What am I supposed to tell family members who ask me why I’m not dating, or why I haven’t gotten married yet? How am I supposed to tell my grandparents who have been asking and asking for grandkids? How can I look the people who ask me out in the eye when they get angry at me for leading them on, for flirting but never following through? 14. What am I supposed to do when I am all alone? 15. I think the key to dealing with all this, every bad thought that comes with this sexuality is to remember that its who you are. 16.That its the sexuality of always being there for late nights with friends, for loving yourself and your life, the sexuality of midnight cookie dough and not wearing pants all day, the sexuality of traveling alone and loving the simplest things in life 17. I know I’m never going to be a role model, a poster child for akoisexuals, but maybe this is at least something to raise awareness. We are here. We are valid. We are learning to love ourselves, learning to be proud of who we are. 18. And that’s all anyone can do.

Shout out to those who feel conflict between their aro identity and their attraction.

Shout out to the people who are relieved at their romantic attraction because it makes them feel less broken.

Shout out to the people who hate their romantic attraction and feel like they’re betraying the aro community.

Shout out to everyone who is afraid that they won’t ever be in a relationship or find happiness because of their aro spec identity.

Shout out to those whose aro spec identity isn’t respected because they have felt romantic attraction before.

Shout out to those who don’t feel like they really belong in the aro community.

Shout out to the people who feel like they are faking or making up something, either their romantic attraction or aro spec identity.

Shout out to the aro spec people who are in or want a romantic relationship.

Shout out to the people with identities that are never or rarely talked about, if mentioned at all, even in aro spaces.

Shout out to those who feel alone because despite all the romance everywhere, nobody talks about the complications of feeling romance in aro spec ways.

Shout out to the people who know they are on the aromantic spectrum but can’t find a word that fits them.

Shout out to the people whose attraction and emotions are beyond complex and have difficulties defining or explaining them.

Shout out to everyone who isn’t sure if what they feel is romantic or not.

Shout out to those whose feelings about romance and relationships contradict each other.