Pieces Of me

♡

I've let myself forget those who tried to help me in the past. People who I thought abandoned me when I needed someone the most. I chose to believe the ugliness in front of the mirror and in turned became what I saw.

It like waves in my head. Responsibilities & accountability. I no longer feel me. No longer no me. Self doubt plays such a huge part in my life. It makes me fear myself. Then it gives me hope only to destroy it once more..how much more of this cycle can I do? How much more can I endure. There is a song, it's about feeling suicidal but clinging on to a single string for life. I feel that same way. Always on edge. Wanting to take a swim in that vast water. To only remember , I have Responsibilities. I don't want to make people sad (atleast those who may truly care) who knows. Then I deem myself useless and a fool. A coward for the matter of fact. I am someone who can't get what I really need or want. Or maybe I just don't deserve it?

Having emotions is the ironically the funniest thing I can have. The more I try to have it less, the more it bites me in the ass. My logic Vs heart is always battling it out and always ending in tragedy. Why is that? What makes me fkn care so hard. Why does my mind tell me to shut up when I need to speak up? I'm tired. Everything I do is tiring. I have so much empathy. In the end, I prioritize someone else's thoughts and feelings. What about mines? Who cares about mines? The more I think about it, the more messed up I feel..

Biss, who are you again? #dokdok #mindofagoldfish #imnotblondeanymore #latepost #happybirthday #happy28 #28yearsold #1yearclosertodeath #filtersdoeswonders #tumblrgirl https://www.instagram.com/p/CUuSN7alrj1/?utm_medium=tumblr

I went throught my tumblr today for some really old post/repost with a picture that meant so much to me..You know. This year has probably been the worst year and possibly the most intriguing for me...for those who don't know. I've struggled with depression 😔 for years ...I've struggle to fully speak about my issues.. and now I've been having a really hard time connecting to anyone.. sometimes you think it's gets better . Sometimes you listen to others advice to get better. Then because the progression is scary, you pull away because there isn't anyone to help you pull forward..this year I've done more for and to myself (good and bad) than any year in myself yet I find myself sinking and looking for the help more than ever. Depression is scary. https://www.instagram.com/p/CT-k7DuhDW2/?utm_medium=tumblr