"When life gives you lemons...

Happy holidays, everybody!

This is the only day you can reblog this. Do it for Weed Moon.

I was looking for somebody to have anal sex with and nobody wanted to fuck my ass for some reason. Also, I was really desperate. Like, really, really desperate. I don’t know why, since I’ve never even done it in reality. Anyway, finally some beefy manly man is all like, “Im in, let’s do it” and I’m super happy, like, I found somebody to have anal sex with, YIPPY! So we get to his place and enter his room and he tells me he’s just going to take a quick shower and that I should make myself at home while he’s doing that. I get undressed and sit on his bed, only in my lingerie and I’m super pumped, like, I’m about to do anal, FUCK YEAH!!! And he comes out of the shower and gets on his bed and looks at me and dramatically says to look into the drawer next to his bed, and so I do and there’s this giant pink strap-on in it. I turn to him and he simply exclaims that he is ready and that I can proceed. I’m mentally panicking, I wasn’t planning on doing him, I wanted him to do me and I’m contemplating what to do next. I’ve never been in such a situation, not even in one of my dreams (I think, while I’m dreaming). I finally decide to go ahead and do it and maybe I’ll manage to convince him to return the favor later, when I suddenly wake up feeling extremely disappointed and later, very much confused.

My friend died and the squad was super sad. We talked to him via the Ouija board and he told us he would haunt us if we kept being sad about his death and didn’t update him on memes.

My sister (she’s 3) turned into a duck. She kept running away and refusing to look at me. I said “Lillian wait!” And she turned to me and said, in the deepest voice I’ve ever heard, “Is your pillow crusty?”

reblog if your url represents who you really are 

I am really Putin’s girlfriend

then we have a problem

I can explain

This whole bit is made all the funnier by knowing that all of the guards were just random extras who weren’t told what was going to happen only that they weren’t allowed laugh at any cost as they wouldn’t be payed if they did.

At uni I took a screenwriting course from THIS VERY GUARD EXTRA (who went on to contribute to some of the Python stuff), who confirms this and also that Michael Palin would use different ridiculous names in every take, so they couldn’t even prepare themselves for hearing it.

That’s not Tarzan’s pet, though… That’s his family. HE WAS RAISED BY THE APES.

technically tarzan was the pet

Stop it

crumch