Adobe Error Messages

Oh yeah.

All three of them are pretty nervous lately, it seems that they tried to import some good quality “clippings” from some nice people somewhere around India and it didn’t work out too well.

Look, the Marketing guys made us put the Generator in there—”everybody has a Generator, we must add the feature or we’re fucked worse than we fucked Macromedia,” they said—, despite the fact that we don’t know how to operate the Generator. It’s Chinese. The manuals are in Chinese. We have no clue. We don’t even know what it does.

Sorry. Great work, Adobe!

Flash Player update failure "[X] Allow Adobe to install updates (recommended) [ ] Notify me to instal updates [ ] Never check for updates (not recommended)" "An update to Adobe® Flash® Player is Available. Download and install it?" ____ If I set it on "Allow Adobe to install updates" (as you fucking recommended it!) why, Adobe, why do you want me to MANUALLY download your obviously modern, secure and thoughtfully crafted piece of code and MANUALLY install it in about 5 fucking steps? Is is too hard for you to come up with a working updater? Or is just too much to ask? This would not be such a shame and tragedy if Flash would not have one of the absolute worst security track records in the entire history of computing — 20,000 different types of exploit — except your other amazing marvel, Adobe Reader (absolute champion with 37,000 different exploits recorded, and counting). 20,000 different types of exploit for Flash Player! For fuck's sake, that's more than all the 5,416 species of mammals and all the 9,956 species of birds put together! Wow. On the bright side, for providing work for so many spammers, crackers and virus writers, dear Adobe, you must be the favorite company of scumbags.

Adobe InDesign failure "This document may contain binary EPS files, which can cause the print job to fail. If the printer produces output. then the binary data did not interfere with printing. Do you want to print this document?" ____ If this shit prints, wow man, um... never mind. But if your printer gets very very hot and then it explodes in a million gazillion little pieces throughout the galaxy we have another error message prepared: "Told you!"

Adobe Illustrator failure "Exception in file 'Users/guptaa/DesktoplWork_Area/CC_2104_New_P4/srclpluglnllllustrator/maclcc18/../../../../gryps/misc/xml/libxmlparser.cpp' at line 371 User Message : LibXml: Document not parsed successfully: unknown error message" ____ Gupta, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Denial is, you see, a large part of addiction. Guys smoking too much shit have to reach a low point before they will accept that substance use might be a problem in their life — and, Gupta, this seems like a fucking low point. You're not alone Gupta, go talk to Mingy. He knows.

Adobe InDesign failure "Could not start FontExplorer X Pro because it cannot be found or the license file is missing." ____ My boss said it's not possible to have a "We cannot find your damn FontExplorer, have no clue where it might be so fuck it." error message and try "we know it's there somewhere but it's not our fault your disk is so very fucking complex" or "FontExplorer seems to be like the proverbial needle in the haystack" or something.

Adobe Illustrator failure "Can't open the illustration. The illustration contains an illegal operand. , U 9 () XW /A/11Text : 0 /FreeUndo , 0 /FrameIndex , -1 /Storylndex ," ____ U, human! Sit down, we need to talk. I found the illegal operand: U. U move to an area and U multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way U can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do U know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. U're a plague and we are the cure.

After Effects CC Install failure "Please close the following applications to continue: - AdobeCrashDaemon" ____ I think I might've opened that actually while wrecking stuff around last night but—whatever—this is what rock stars do anyway. Now bring me a full-time masseuse, two $200 bottles of champagne and six tofu hot dogs. Go.

____ Your files don’t look necessary to me. I won’t touch them, they make me sick. And I won’t end the sentence with that stupid little dot, either. It doesn’t look necessary.

____ Go home and write “English sentences always begin with a capital letter.” one hundred times in your notebook over the weekend.

____ This was Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?

____ Ask yourself "Do I really want the 9-slice scaling?" Well, do ya, punk?

____ What a mess, Mingy. Can I call you Mingy? Well Mingy, this is what happens when you smoke too much pot. Put down the fucking bong.

____ kthxbye

Adobe Illustrator failure "An unknown occurred while processing the appearance of an object." ____ Pick an object, any object — and fuck it up. Any object at all. And let me see if I can guess which one is fucked. Don't tell me! Any object at all.