Long live, all the magic we made

Chronologically, this is right after Aaron’s trial, and there’s enough information between the new trilogy and Nora’s extras that we can kind of get a good picture of where they are in their relationship here.

They spent the whole summer together at Abby’s place after they reached an interesting point romantically. That summer comes right after Andrew stops denying that the thing between them means something. It’s also after Andrew feels safe?? enough to confess to Neil that Drake wasn’t the first time he experienced sexual violence as a child growing up. And in response, there’s that really lovely scene at the end of TKM where Andrew cedes ground between them even more by letting Neil touch his chest.

And what I love, love, love in this scene in particular is that Neil knows what this is about. He specifically connects this back to the conversation they had earlier about what happened when Andrew was 7, and how it’s a sign of trust. And then in the same breath, he’s also acknowledging that he knows what this is costing Andrew and that it’s not an OK for free touching between them. He knows this is a promise given on credit that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, that Andrew is going to be ok with this kind of easy intimacy between them. But he also knows it’s only been a few months since he was raped - and that despite the fact that they’ve made leaps and bounds (Andrew asked him to stay! He felt comfortable enough to cum in Neil’s presence!), a yes today is not a guarantee of a yes tomorrow.

So they spend all summer together, caught up in one another’s orbit, and then we know as soon as school starts, they’re right back in the thick of it with Aaron’s trial.

And while Nora has gifted us A LOT with the extras, one of my favorite tidbits is the one where she talks about how, after the trial, Andrew is rubbed raw by what he has to do. About how, after giving testimony, he’s not going to want to be touched by anyone for a while. It’s bad enough leading up to it that Neil actually willingly goes and talks with Betsy to beg her to mother Andrew during his court appearance.

So we know Andrew is feeling really roughed up emotionally by the trial. Having to admit it all in front of strangers and Aaron and Nicky, being vulnerable in the worst possible way, seeing Cass again, just all of it. And then he makes the trip with Kevin to California right after, and that’s when he learns Neil’s been out and about and told him absolute zilch about it.

What I think is so interesting here is, like all well-written couples’ fights, I get it. I totally and completely see both sides of it.

For Neil, Andrew is dealing with the mess of the trial, and contextually, we can infer that he’s not doing well if Neil is the one to go and talk to Betsy about it. Does he really need to burden Andrew with the extra details about what he’s going through? Isn’t it enough that he told Andrew he was flying out to take care of some business? And then there’s this moment :

It’s not that Neil wouldn’t have been angry as hell about Jean being abused to begin with. But the timing of it is what makes it so interesting to me.

It’s the fact that Jean drops this bit of information at a time when Neil is actively watching Andrew have to deal with the fallout of his own history of SA at this very moment. Jean couldn’t have picked a more charged moment to tell Neil this if he tried - there’s no way Neil is flying out from where he’s leaving Andrew for a few days and isn’t in full-on panic and worry mode about what he’s feeling. Because Fuck. Drake. If Neil could bring him back for the pleasure of getting a chance to kill himself, he would.

But worse than that is the fact that it’s a helpless kind of worry and rage. Neil isn’t going to Bee for a lark. He’s going because I guarantee you that Andrew is playing the game where he shuts down, gets angry, and silent, and isn’t letting anyone in. And how does Neil deal with that? How do you begin to help someone who is hurting and won’t - can’t - even begin to admit they’re in pain to begin with, because that would mean admitting that they’re just human after all?

When Neil orders the hit on Grayson, it’s not just Jean he’s helping - it’s all the rage he has at Drake and Andrew being directed into it as well. It’s the “I’ll pay any price just get it done” of it all. Neil needs Grayson dead just as much as anyone. And it makes total sense why he wouldn’t tell Andrew about it. Yes, he’s helping Jean, but it’s also about him and his anger and his pain over watching Andrew and not being able to make it better.

So by the time we get to Andrew’s “typical” and silent stare out the window, a lot has happened.

Something that really stands out to me about Andrew as a partner is that, despite having a host of very serious issues, he possesses many more positive traits as a partner than he is given credit for. And one of those is that he’s unfailingly honest with Neil. He never lies to him, he keeps his word, and part of his deep-seated anger at Neil through the beginning of them getting to know each other, and even into the early stages of their relationship, is that Neil isn’t. Neil lies to him.

And I wonder how this must hit at this particular moment, where Andrew is still dealing with the aftermath of the trial?

I can see him closing up again, taking two steps back for every step forward, even if it’s just temporary. It would be perfectly natural for him to want to get mad and close up again because that’s how he’s dealt with every problem he’s ever had so far, and it would make sense that he would want ot lean into what felt safe and familiar as far as coping strategies go.

And then there’s the Thing with Neil, and Neil saying he wants to be with Andrew, and Neil saying this thing between them means something, and Neil swearing he’s finally come clean and has no more secrets.

Except Neil just got caught in a lie, AGAIN.

And sure, it’s a lie of omission. He did tell Andrew he was flying out to take care of some business. But he didn’t correct Andrew when he assumed it was Boston, and he didn’t tell him about meeting with Jean, and he sure as hell didn’t tell him about all the business with Grayson. And why is that? Was it because he was trying to coddle Andrew? Did he think he would be too weak to hear about Moreau going through his own private nightmare? As if Andrew would be too delicate to hear the details? And to top it all off, Andrew is being given this particular piece of information WHILE HE’S BACK IN CALIFORNIA.

Neil Josten you are in so much trouble.