Hockey

I used to think love was just for other people. I could never understand it, solitude appealed to me more.

But, then I met you on chance alone.

You were unexpected. 

And for the first time, I preferred someone else over the company of solely myself. 

I didn’t realize I loved you until you turned me down. 

Kindly. 

You have never said anything unkind to me ever, even when you reject me it is full of compassion. 

“Find someone closer.” 

If it was so easy I would have already done so. I can’t imagine anyone else, you are the only one for me.

Your words do not deter me, you aren’t fading from my mind. 

Am I destined to remain heartbroken?

Thanksgiving was a cruel comfort. 

Happiness abound, everyone elated and full of cheer. 

I see them and I see us. The robed couple sitting with their coffee, fresh from the spa. This place has so much to offer those that come in twos. Here, I thought the distraction would be enough, the holiday would be enough, but I only see you in the faces of strangers and I can’t help but stare. I only see you playing golf in the afternoon light. I see you recording this place with your phone and walking the trails. 

This place is one stroke away from a landscape painting reincarnated into reality. You would appreciate it. 

I wish you could see it. See me. I could offer you so much. 

I can’t help but think of what could have been. What this holiday would look like with you and I. I wish I could enjoy it knowing there was a possibility between us, a bud of hope that could bloom with each passing moment. 

But I shouldn’t be thinking of you anymore. 

My friends are losing patience with me and soon I will have to bury your name under false smiles and silence. 

Your name is an uncommon one, just as is your spirit, but I keep seeing it in odd places. 

In places where it shouldn’t be…you follow me and you are unaware of it.

Is the universe showing me signs? Or am I bending the universe around you–to my will?

I still hope, I still pray for you while also wondering if maybe one day I’ll forget you. 

Like you have probably forgotten me. 

Maybe if I was thinner, smarter, prettier, you would give me a chance. 

But you deem me unworthy of conversation. 

Maybe one day, I will forget your steady brows and soulful eyes, the purity in your grin, your tall frame and warm embrace. Maybe one day I will forget this hopeful feeling. 

I do not regret loving you. 

I can’t make myself regret it, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. 

I might have to block you, but I don’t want to. I am afraid of a future without you. 

In loving you, I never felt more alive. To move on I will have to kill a portion of myself. 

A game I’m losing in my head about how long i can go without wishing you were here

Only i could make a person this grandiose

A person who so clearly faults and a person so perfect to me it doesn’t matter

I wish I could stay, but its time for me to go. 

You aren’t ready and neither am I. 

I have to put you aside, for now, maybe forever. 

I wish I could’ve talked to you more, learned about you more, but perhaps it was best I didn’t tread further. Maybe I would have only become more entrenched and entangled. 

I learned that I wasn’t just mourning you, but every single time I was rejected and didn’t feel good enough and since then, I mourn every day. 

I can’t keep wishing, hoping and praying, I can’t dig myself deeper into this hole. 

The thought of losing you forever frightens me, but I have to face my fear.