Acting Off Camera

We are those who feel too much, those who care.

The ones that listen.

We are the thinking, the creative ones

Those who never fit in, those who know the dark

and shine so bright.

We´re creators, destroying all too eas oure selves, 

fighting to survive.

We´re restless, sitting still and quiet.

We shout so loud that they can´t hear us

and our whispers make the glass cage crack.

We share a world too huge to live in.

Relationships are like cooking together but with only one pot. Everyone throws in stuff they like and the outcome will be your dinner. This is all fun and tasty as long as all of the participating cooks (yes, it´s not only couples we´re talking ;) ) like sort of the same food. Or at least are willing to have something they don´t love but accept as long as they are also allowed to put in something the other one doesn´t like so much. 

When it starts getting difficult is this:  You really like your co-chef, she* is adorable, a wonderful person and creative cooker. But you just don´t like potatoes. Really, you don´t! Actually they make you gag. And you really really love a good meat, but she is vegetarian. She likes you a lot, but she would not ever eat meat. Now you´re standing there, together, at your shared pot called relationship and none of you would eat what you cooked. You must not blame the other one, for liking things you don´t but after all you just can´t swallow that dish. And this is the point you need to realise:

Maybe you love the other cook, maybe even a lot, but your pot full of relationship you cooked together just makes both of you sick. Then, maybe, it´s time to seperate pots. Make a dish of your own, or with someone else and maybe just meet every now and then and have some ice cream together.

Today´s a sad day. 

I had to admit to myself that depression has me back. yay....not. 

But I´m in an odd position now:

I know it, I know it will finally be over somehow. And of course I know I should go see a doctor, I should take ADs (again), I should take a break to care for myself but here come the lame excuses:

I have to write my BA thesis. It is due on March 15th. It really is! Semester´s over end of March as is my time given to study at all. There won´t be any financial support after that, I extended every  time limit, studied far longer than I would have been allowed. So yes. I COULD go see a psychologist. And then? I´d maybe be put on sick leave, but there wouldn´t be another semester to finish years of study. Even if, it would still mean I´d have to write that damn thing! 

Basically I really must write it in due time. Without a doable alternative, but I just can´t!

Where´s all the wise advice now? All the tipps and tricks I´ve heard a gazillion times in 10 years of depression, I know them, and they don´t work. Maybe they would if I were able to break my paralysis, but that´s esentially the problem, that I can´t, right? 

At this point I understand every student who take drugs for better concentration, more energy, less sleep. Everyone who spent money on somebody else writing their papers. The line to this sort of “solution” is growing thin here. I won´t. But I consider. Which is bad enough....

Crazy times for me:

I have to write my Bachelor Thesis and find a job. It´s going terrible. I´m blocked again, I know what to write, what I want to write, I have a concept, clue and literature only I don´t write. I just don´t. No matter how much I tell me that I really should, actually must, I just don´t. No matter how kind I am with myself, telling me it´s alright, just do a LITTLE every day, no matter what or how much. I just don´t. Time´s running out and I DON`T EFFING WRITE! And it drives me mad, makes me sad, uncomfortable, sleepless and depressed.

This was this.... That is a completely different thing:

I am having succsess as a dancer! I finally dare to apply for shows and know what? I got taken! I even travel to a foreign country to perform there! And the best thing about that is, that it´s completely solely my work, my dance, my me that achieved this. I don´t know anybody in Sweden. I don´t know the country, city, or Festival. I applied and was taken in just because they think I´m good. So, no excuses for me there! It´s really me. Not networking, being local or anything just me and my dance and this is truly amazing. It makes me proud (and a bit nervous to be honest ;) )!

Edit: Preamble.... The following might sound arrogant, exaggerated or whatever. I want you to know that I wrote this in a really very furious emotional moment of my life and I intended to write something strong about me. To let the world know that I´m not weak, that I might be sensitive but NOT WEAK and most of all: I wanted to tell this myself. I had to write this to not drown in my anger and my sadness. 

Maybe, when I´m more stable, I´ll write about what I cannot do. About things I am so not able to do (and there are quite a lot, I assure you ;) ) 

But this text is about what I am good at. *edit end*

1) I am the most important person in my life

I fought (and still fight) a very hard fight. One that literally is about my life or death. And since I am still here this is a very precious thing to me. I´ve lost friendships in that fight, people I cared for but pushed away in my struggle. All this is only worth it, when I appreciate me living. Therefore I am the most important human being in my life. This means that I am able to make decisions that might hurt other people. I am able to end relationships that cost me too much, that make me feel bad or unworthy. Even if I love you I will leave you if you´re not good for me.

2) I know things.

I know when you don´t love me anymore. I know how you feel, sometimes even before YOU know how you feel. Really. And since I know things see 1). I leave when I know that you want me to. It might hurt. You and me. But I´d still leave.

3) I am stronger than you think.

See above plus I am an emotional person. I feel a lot and all the time. A LOT! But I know how to deal with that. I balance all that emotional overload with reason. And I´m good at that. I CAN love you, leave you and still be an honest, true friend to you. I can have sex with you and still be just friends, real friends. I am sure one can love more than one person and there´s a lot of different forms of love and I´m aware and capable of many of them. And I know when my (and your) feelings change and I´m strong enough to act accordingly. Really. And you don´t need to be afraid of hurting me. You might. Of course! If you are close to me you might hurt my feelings, but know what? I will deal with that. I have no place for hate. I might be disappointed, hurt, angry, heartbroken. But this will heal. And when you´re lucky I might still love you afterward. 

4) DO THE FUCK NOT WASTE MY TIME!

I know, I know...we´re all afraid of hurting other people´s feelings but: be honest with me. I know anyway. I know you don´t love me like you did before but if you really want to mess with me just let me NOT know. A certain way to REALLY hurt me is not talking to me. I hate nothing more than wait for something I know anyway but have to wait until you tell me. You want to break up? Might hurt. Want to mess up? Let me wait a week for the talk... get the idea? I understand the most stupid reasons people might have for not showing up, not doing things or whatever. I do not understand when people make me wait for it. GEEESH you can´t leave home just cause? I know! It´s allright! I´d liked to meet you but sometimes it´s just that. You don´t tell me until my day is wasted and it´s too late for me to make other appointment? Screw you! I´m gonna be really mad at you (est. until one hour after your apology ;) ) So... the worst thing you could do? Want to break up but you have no idea how to tell me, afraid of hurting me. Therefore not talk to me for a week until I end it. I would be sitting there, knowing for one week you´re gonna leave me, with a tiny hesitation that you might just have a good reason for not calling, growing more and more angry. Until one day I end it just to end it, being really furious for a useless week full of doubt, for being betrayed for the chance to end it with dignity and a chance for friendship and sad for your lack of trust in my strength. 

201 - IMAGE. Show us something you find beautiful that most others would deem ugly. 

We (Team AlmostFamous15) decided to do this, even if it was tough (actually more than I expected). 

Why do we find it beautiful?

I am alive, more than ever.

I´m still kicking. 

You are more of a public introvert and private extrovert

Within your circle of family and friends, you are completely at ease and it’s often you who takes the lead to organise outings, dinners, vacations, etc. However, as soon as you are in a public or professional setting you become rather inhibited. You don’t feel in tune with what you would qualify as agitation, rivalry or vainglory and this can sometimes appear to others as a kind of hidden criticism or a lack of ambition. In fact, your pragmatic temperament helps you successfully manage problems as and when they arise. You aren’t the kind to calculate your every move and plan every inch of your life, and you find the sphere of family and friends to be much more gratifying to the professional sphere. You are more expressive in emotional, sensorial and human terms and at home your organisation skills and capacity to oil the family wheels work well and many of your family and friends appreciate your qualities and skills. At first glance, people find it hard to understand how you could be so comfortable organising your private life and then seem to lose the better part of your self-confidence when you’re in public. Maybe it’s a question of rhythm? If you feel comfortable in your domestic rhythm it’s perhaps because it works more on a short-term basis (day, week or more rarely a month). On the contrary, the rhythm of professional life seems less concrete and more distant as the professional agenda works more to quarterly or annual plans, that you have no control over. Is this the source of your lessened motivation? You can’t control all the cards so you have to adapt and, in fact, that doesn’t interest you at all? If this difference between work and home life doesn’t bother you, then carry on. However, if you feel frustrated by this imbalance, it could be useful to look into the deeper reasons (either on your own or with someone else) that keep you less focused on professional ambition. For instance, such reasons could be: a lack of thanks and recognition, a fear of not being up to the mark… It’s up to you to find out.