Wow, what can I say! We’re in September and 2020 has been an absolute disaster. To be quite honest, the last few weeks have been an absolute disaster. I haven’t really had the moment or opportunity to rant so here I am at 1:18 AM on Tumblr hoping to get some things off of my chest. So here we go, my list of ranting bullshit. 

1. Yesterday I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2. As much as this is a great thing and not be under the blanket term of depression, I feel...weird? In a way, I think there is so much stigma behind other mental illnesses that aren’t depression or anxiety and I do feel “crazy”. But in another way, I’m glad I’m getting the help I need. I have ruined so many friendships, relationships and participated in so much toxic behaviour and I just don’t get why being Bipolar never clicked. It’s been a bit exhausting. I’m getting new medication and hopefully by mid-October I’ll be stable and I’ll actually be able to sleep. Fingers crossed. 

2. I keep getting fucked with my student loan. I’m currently in so much debt because of my stupid spending habits during hypomanic phases. I was expecting my loan to be as much as it was last year so I could pay some things down and get my debts under control. That does not seem to be the case and it’s extremely stressful. My dad is my co-signed on my line of credit so I miss one day, they start calling him. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your dad call you and yell at you for ruining your credit? or how embarrassing it is to realize how irresponsible you were and now have 0 money? 

3. To go along with the above, I don’t think I’ll have a job this coming Fall. The law firm I’ve been working at took a major hit during the pandemic and it’s not looking very hopeful that I’ll actually be employed. So what’s going to happen after the pandemic relief fund is dried up? I have 0 idea. Trying to find a job is so damn hard. I looked at a few today and applied to one I really want. In reality, I know that it’s probably not possible that I’ll get the job, but who knows. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough. 

Things have gotten strange in my city. Everything has closed down, the streets are empty, and the vibe just feels off. On top of the weird apocalypse feeling, I’m in the constant fear of catching COVID-19 and having complications because of Remide, the medication I’m on for Crohn’s disease. 

The simple version of what Remicade does: suppresses my immune system, so my body doesn't attack my intestines.

Because my immune system is suppressed, I'm considered a "high risk" person. If I do get the illness, the complications of it being severe is something that would most likely happen. 

It's scary and I am STRESSED. 

If anyone on here knows of people with suppressed immune systems or high risk individuals, make sure to check on them. See if you can go to the store for them to get groceries, talk to them and see how they're feeling. Some places in my city are opened early for the elderly, but suggest they go during these times. 

Well, here we go, I guess. I hadn’t used Tumblr since 2018 when they decided to remove all NSFW images. I’ve silently used my blog to check up on people, but that's about it. For some reason, I’ve decided to make a comeback and start using Tumblr again. I’ve deleted all NSFW posts that were flagged and appealed to have my blog not be deemed explicit anymore. 

This time around, I’m going to be using Tumblr mostly to write. Write about what exactly? Well, who knows at this point in time, but I’m excited to be back.