Mama Scribb!

I had a dream last night that I was sitting outside on my bottom step, watching my car run. I don't know what triggered me to look around but I turned my head to the right and I saw Damian sitting next to me, giving me his little smile that he gave when he was in my arms. I looked at him and out or habit I told him to get back in the house and he shouldn't be outside. He didn't move. He just looked at me smiling as to say "I'm not going anywhere Mama."

I still can see it so clearly. This morning when I woke up I didn't feel sad. I didn't hurt anymore. I felt comfort. Him sitting next to me and giving me that content smile, made me feel at peace. Since I put him down, I had this guilt of I didn't do the right thing and I kept thinking of all the things I could have done differently. Most importantly, I felt that I was unfair to Damian and that he wouldn't forgive me for making the decision. Seeing him sit next to me even when I tried to shoo him back into the imaginary house, made me realize that he wasn't going anywhere. The smile meant he was at peice and he was so happy just sitting next to me.

He didn't hate me for the decision I made. Even in death he still had so much love for me that he wanted me to know that he wasn't going to leave me no matter what. It also made me think of another important question. If Damian wasn't Angry at me for what I did, Why was I angry with myself?