pretending not to be horny on main

hello all!

it did not happen and look i have the fic to prove it:

yeah sometimes you write 7500 words of spite just because you're so furious what a show did to your two favorite characters.

i never liked lila because i hate that she gets let off the hook for everything she does because diego falls in love with her after .5 seconds of knowing her and .4 seconds of being backstabbed by her repeatedly. but yeah even i hate the way she went from feral wildcat to cottagecore wife because the show thought five needed a love interest in THE LAST GODDAMN EPISODE. and tbh it's not even having sex with her that outrages me, it's how he picks her and prioritizes over his family. like that's how uwu magic she is, that he chooses his feelings for her over his commitment to his family. it's so so so bad.

hello! yes! not good!

i'm not gonna spoiler tag this because i don't want to show it up under the fandom tags, given the controversial nature of my preferred pairing, so

SPOILERS FOR S4 OF TUA BELOW

well we know from s3 that five is ALL ABOUT kitschy weird roadside attractions, so he'd be dragging diego to every big ball of yarn he could find. and i think he likes old cars, so he'd want to hit up the car-related ones like cadillac ranch and carhenge.

other highlights include: that big science museum in chicago with the t rex skeleton; any particularly fancy aquarium en route; the best taco stand in every state on the way; pick your own fruit groves; paintball; public tennis courts in every city en route where they keep a running tally of their scores against each other. note that they visit very few actual "tourist sites." they have no interest in the st louis arch or, idk, the sears tower.

five agrees to try camping with diego like one time and then decides he fucking hates camping (possibly because it reminds him too much of living in the apocalypse) and after that they stick to swanky hotel rooms. he reluctantly agrees to hit up the beach because diego wants to so badly, but he hates sand and sunscreen and it's only worth it because he gets off on watching girls hit on diego from a distance.