Asexual Mormon

but god's Elsewhere, too: out on the tips of skinny branches and wading in the weeds, left of center, left field.

how do i reconcile all this with the fact that:

i *do* crave deep, emotional connection?

i *do* want to have someone in my life who i can turn to and feel like they get me and will listen to me infodump?

i do want a someone who will be my emergency contact

i do want someone who will accept--not just tolerate--me

genuinely, but terrifiedly, asking: am i doomed to feel endless loneliness for the rest of my life?

and not just when it comes to advertisements using 'sexy' models to try and sell you stuff, but like. in general

sex as a favor, sex as a bribe, sex in exchange for whatever

casual sex, 'friends with benefits' situations, even simple flirting

it all looks a whole lot different from the perspective of someone who's immune to manipulation via sex appeal, who has virtually no understanding as to why sex would motivate someone to cheat on their partner, etc. etc.

sex is worthless to me

i mean, it's useful as a story element in fiction, but it genuinely perplexes me that sex is such a driving force behind so many aspects of irl society & of people's individual lives, for better or for worse

and that it's so deeply ingrained into how the average person views the world & various situations, because the average person feels sexual attraction, whereas i do not

It's called I Want to be a Wall by Honami Shirono. A story about a platonic marriage between a gay man and an aromantic asexual woman.

Interesting side fact: in Japan "asexuality" is commonly defined as a lack of romantic attraction as well as a lack of sexual attraction. Whereas in English, a lack of romantic attraction is given it's own definition of aromanticism.

You're not a bad aro or ace for mourning the loss of a life you've been promised since birth. You're not less queer for wishing you could experience romantic or sexual attraction. I'm so sorry you've been given these uncomfortable feelings that you never wanted.

I hope someday you come to terms with who you are, and that you're able to find meaningful connections despite your lack of attraction. I hope you will be able to experience romantic or sexual intimacy with people who accept you.

I hope someday you can feel pride. Because I'm proud of you.

I know an old lesbian couple who have been married since the moment they legalized it. One woman can hardly walk anymore but she loves Hallmark ornaments, so her wife supports her against her walker during Christmas so she can look at them more easily.

I know a transgender man who started transitioning only 10 years ago at 60, and he's brilliant and funny and brings his grandchildren by to get sweets.

I know an asexual woman who, beamed and told me she absolutely loved not having a husband, and that she "never once regretted not getting married. I never felt that way about anybody! Why force it?" She lives with her parrot and loves salsa dancing.