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fantastic. i love it. i posted this after my wife said it yesterday and as i was doing it i was like "this can't be an original thought. as soon as i hit post someone's going to say 'you stole this from a tweet from 2014' and i'll say 'no, i stole it from my beautiful wife.'"
Kids sitcom about a group of friends where all of them are a part of secret magical or superhero based underground society that don’t know about each other and they all think that the others are ignorant normies that they have to protect from their magical shenanigans.
The witch kid, the superhero sidekick, the cryptid hunter, and the half fairy kid are all unknowingly trying to hide the same talking cat from the principal of their school and the talking cat doesn’t tell any of them about each other because it’s currently getting many extra helpings of treats in exchange for its silence.
During the episode where they all find out about each other’s secret lives there’s obviously a slow look over to the cat who’s like “well you never asked. Anyways, completely unrelated but I’ve gotta go.”
As more seasons pass, it's eventually revealed the rich kid who bullies the main cast is secretly child of some dark lord all the societies fear and eventually the bully works with the main cast to defeat them in the series finale or movie
Really important. You cannot make one of the secret societies the "real" one that all other magic systems are derived from in some way.
The sci-fi explanations of super powers cannot fully explain the fairy magic, nor can the sci-fi superpowers tap into fairy magic energy cores. The witch's arcane knowledge cannot fully explain the existence of the cryptids. The fairy magic and the witch magic are fundamentally incompatible but both demonstrably effective.
After they all know each other, trying to decipher and/or argue about whose domain the monster of the week belongs to (and therefore whose foreknowledge about its strengths and weaknesses is most accurate) is a not irregular occurrence. Sometimes the monster is known in multiple domains and the conflicting information is somehow both correct. Sometimes the monster is definitively one aspect, and another appears to be, but there are errors or circumstances evidence. Sometimes the monster is a secret third thing that doesn't properly fit any of them.
I must emphasize that it’s extremely important that the cat is never properly explained. You can’t even properly reveal if the cat knows why it can talk or not.
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You're not really supposed to say it this way, because its considered crass, but here in the US children are culturally and legally considered essentially the property of their parents.
Note that its considered more crass to point this out than it is to treat children as property in the first place.
sorry to be brave on the internet but I think food labels should list every single ingredient and that there should be harsher penalties for mislabeling and deceptive labeling
Hi! so both of these labels actually have the exact problem we're complaining about!
from label 1:
in the US and EU, this is a generic term meaning "something we put in here to make it smell nice" and there is absolutely NO way of knowing if that is a scent you are allergic to or not. some of these can be a mix of up to 200 distinct components.
from label 2:
i think you can probably see the problem here?
the issue isn't that we don't have ingredient lists. the issue is that "trade secrets" are more important than people's lives, so if a company says that listing the actual ingredients might allow people to copy them, it is legal for them to put "it's a secret, tee hee".
i was thinking about the weirdest phone calls i got when i still worked at the public library and i remembered this one phone call. it was probably less than 20 seconds long, but it still makes me laugh.
anyways, this woman called and without even saying hello after i said the usual “public library, how can i help you?” spiel, she said, “i have a very important question: when you shelve books, do you push them all to the front of the shelf or all the way back?”
it took me a second to process the question and then i answered that, at the library, we always shelve them so that they are even with the front edge so they’re easier to grab and see. she was obviously delighted by this answer and then, as if an afterthought, she asked, “okay, what about you? what do you do at home with your books?” i said i did the same thing. she hummed in obvious agreement and then just like that she said “thank you!” and hung up.
i never heard from her again. i hope she won whatever argument she was having.
for about a year, i worked at a call center for sprint. i have a similar kind of story.
a woman called, and said she had a question about the call history on her bill. “sure, let me just pull up your account-” and she cut me off going, “no, no, it’s not anything specific, it’s just. so, if you change the time on your phone, does that change the time on the bill?”
“uh… no? the time on the phone doesn’t matter, the call history is recorded by the towers.”
“ohhhh” she said in the saltiest voice i have ever heard “so even if you changed the timezone it wouldn’t change the time on the bill? to, say, the middle of the night?”
i stg yall i looked into the camera like i was on the office. “um… no? it would still be the local time of the tower. is there anything else i can help you with?”
to me, overly chipper: “nope! thank you! have a great day!” turning on someone as she hung up: “she says yoU’RE A LYING SACK OF-”
i still mean-snicker every time i think about it.
i used to work in a call center for a roadside assistance company, from late 2015 to early 2016. it was easily the most miserable job i’ve ever had, and the turnover rate was very high. people stuck on the side of the road tend to be quick to anger - understandably so - and it wears on you after awhile.
so i had been having a string of very time-consuming, draining calls. my line rings again, i steel myself for another angry caller, and i pick up. “[redacted] roadside assistance, how can i help you?” i chirp, in my Customer Service Voice.
“yeah, hi,” a gentleman with a thick southern accent responds. “my motorcycle won’t start.”
i brace immediately for another long call. motorcycles were notoriously difficult to work with - a lot of insurance companies wouldn’t insure them, and a lot of tow companies refused to pick them up because they require a specific sort of trailer.
“i’m sorry to hear that, sir. what’s your current location?”
“oh, i’m just at my house. i was wondering if it would be okay for me to just load it into my trailer and take it to my buddy’s shop. would that interfere with my insurance?”
i click through his account and am Relieved to discover he’s in the clear. “No sir, it looks like you’re good to go. Can I help you with anything else?”
A pause. “Have you heard the good news?”
My Anxiety, which had been receding, suddenly spikes into the fucking stratosphere. I live in the rural south. The “good news” usually means “Jesus” and i was in no mood to be proselytized to for god knows how long.
i steel myself for the Religious Talk. “What news, sir?”
“McDonald’s is now serving breakfast all day!”
I laughed so hard I almost cried. I hope that guy ate as many hashbrowns as he could.
Once in my old private school with only like 20 kids maximum, we started having a debate about this:
I’m not kidding.
One kid had a bag of goldfish crackers, and everyone somehow started to yell at each other about if the main fish is yellow or orange.
I became one of the spearheads for yellow, and my argument was that yellow was the base color and the orange is being used as shading, so it’s not actually orange. But the kid who was the spearhead for orange (let’s call him David) WOULD NOT listen to me. (he was always an asshole though, so it’s not too surprising)
This got so heated that the one guy who was in my grade (let’s call him Paul (half the kids had bible names anyway)) was looking at the back of the bag and found a phone number. I think it’s supposed to be there if there’s a problem with the food or something, but he thought he’d try to call to see what they’d say about our dilemma.
I don’t know exactly what the person told him at first, but Paul explained the situation to them and then they put him on hold for a couple minutes while we waited in suspense. I have no clue what they did to fact check this for us, but they pulled through, AND IT WAS YELLOW!!!!!!!!!!! EAT SHIT DAVID!!!!!! >:DDDD
We broke into a cacophony of either joyful cheers or enraged disappointment. I’m not sure if the person who answered our burning question could hear us, but I hope they did and got some joy out of it.
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When your life is in the hands claws of a teenaged royal
So, I've been seeing a lot of fics and ideas where Danny owns John's soul. But they usually cut off after Danny lets John know, and just leaves him to deal with the fall out. Maybe even gives him a task or two, or returns his soul to him.
And don't get me wrong! I absolutely adore those. Even wrote something for the tag myself. But! I just had a thought™️ about that.
Because Danny Fenton is a little shit. We all know this, right? We can all agree that Danny is a petty and cheeky and sarcastic little shit who draws joy and his will to (half-)live from messing with people. Preferably those who have committed the grave sin of annoying him.
John Constantine, on the other hand? He's a sarcastic, petty, cynical asshole who knows exactly how talented and coveted he is. The man has many strengths - but making friends is certainly not one of them. At least not those that actually survive the friendship…
Now! Imagine this:
Danny, freshly crowned High King, came into the possession of the soul of one John Constantine. Perhaps it's because soul contract all belong to him on a technicality. Perhaps it is because someone had sold John's soul long before his birth to the title of the High King and now he has the strongest claim. Perhaps it's something mundane like Danny getting fed up with paperwork and deciding to solve the issue of the never ending complaints regarding this mage's soul by obtaining ownership of John's soul.
John, highly attuned to all things magic, knows there is a new High King. He felt the shift in the magic. There was a sort of backlash in the fragile bonds that tethered this side to the thereafter. So he knows the High King has changed. And he will be overjoyed to do all he can to stay as far away as possible from all of that. It's not his bloody business, and it certainly is not worth the risks to go satisfy his own nagging curiosity.
At least, that's the case until just a few days later when he feels a tight snap somewhere far inside the very depths of his being. And, oh, John knows exactly what this is, what this means.
But he is a master of the dark arts and denial both, so he pretends that he doesn't. He pretends that it was just his imagination. Which works out pretty splendidly for him - until the High King decides to mess with the puny little ant in his grasp.
Danny honestly just wants to mess with John after a particularly tedious council meeting. So he decides to scare the reason why that meeting dragged out like the gum Tucker had stuck to his foot last week: John Constantine, the Hellblazer, the laughing magician, the reason complaints keep piling at Danny's overly fancy desk.
With his new title, Danny also got a new appearance. And it just so happens that it's suited perfectly for scaring assholes. So he - tired of always being the one summoned - summons John into his throne room.
Faced with the pale face of the mage he heard was too cunning for anyone's good, Danny suddenly realises he has no idea how to act kingly at all. So Danny makes a persona up on the spot - and it's a persona fitting for a powerful and scary regent in the eyes of a fourteen-year-old. In other words: Edgy, dramatic, cocky, unbothered by anything he himself hasn't deemed worth his time.
Danny doesn't stop his plan, of course. He scares John, thoroughly. But he doesn't use the soul contract to give an order. Instead, he just implies that he will do that the very moment that John steps out of line.
Of course, Danny would never do such a thing. It seems unnecessary cruel, and he's not a great fan of mind control to begin with. It feels icky to even just consider doing something like that.
John doesn't know that, though. He desperately wants to find a way out. Anything. And once Danny notices that? He delights in making John do the most random of tasks, worded just vaguely enough so that he can keep his new persona going.
( Normally, this would be about where the fic ends. But what if we don't end it here? )
Danny starts making John do all sorts of meaningless tasks now. Buy him a burger, run an errand for him, do something completely pointless just because it's funny to think about how John wasted his time on that.
He isn't just a toy to Danny, of course. He makes sure to check in with Clockwork whether it would negatively affect the mage's life in any way to do this task. He's still a protector, after all, and doesn't want to actually harm John. Just make his life a bit harder. Because he can, and who is he to pass up such a chance?
And then, at one point, John gets more comfortable being mouthy with Danny. Which Danny thinks is hilarious, actually, so he allows that to happen, too. But being mouthy comes with sharing other things about himself - so he lets some info slip about the current doomsday scenario the JL is working at. And Danny decides to help.
And John comes to the conclusion that actually this isn’t so bad. He gets to speak his mind, the tasks he gets assigned aren’t morally questionable – even if they’re questionable in any other sense of the word – and if he performs well enough the High King even dings to help him sometimes. Plus, nobody else can make good on their claims on him with the High King already owning him! So he isn’t even really trying to get out of this anymore.
Just them keeping that up right until John dies and Danny declares him free of all debts.
Kids sitcom about a group of friends where all of them are a part of secret magical or superhero based underground society that don’t know about each other and they all think that the others are ignorant normies that they have to protect from their magical shenanigans.
The witch kid, the superhero sidekick, the cryptid hunter, and the half fairy kid are all unknowingly trying to hide the same talking cat from the principal of their school and the talking cat doesn’t tell any of them about each other because it’s currently getting many extra helpings of treats in exchange for its silence.
During the episode where they all find out about each other’s secret lives there’s obviously a slow look over to the cat who’s like “well you never asked. Anyways, completely unrelated but I’ve gotta go.”
As more seasons pass, it's eventually revealed the rich kid who bullies the main cast is secretly child of some dark lord all the societies fear and eventually the bully works with the main cast to defeat them in the series finale or movie
There are layers to this. Earlier in the episode, Xena discovers her secret while they're sharing a locker room. A woman she has got naked with turned out to be trans. It's the exact scenario terfs are always fear-mongering about, but Xena just shrugs it off.
Also, the kiss was a big deal not just because it was gay but because the trans actress was HIV positive. They wanted to show the world that you can't contract HIV just from kissing someone. Bear in mind, the AIDS crisis was still fresh on people's minds in the 90s.
I want to learn more exclamations that aren’t strictly just religious stuff. “Jesus Christ” this, “oh my god” that, nah I want something fresh.
What are some of y’all’s favorite exclamations that aren’t about god?
had a friend who used to make new ones up on the spot. The only one that stuck with me was 'good golly jelly beans'. If something catastrophic happens I go for 'that's not ideal.'
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Tucker: I know. When they said we were getting a field trip in Gotham, I thought it would be a lot more exciting. Especially when they listed Wayne Enterprises as one of the tours.
Danny: Axion Labs had a better tour. All we've seen are hallways and closed doors
Sam: Don't forget the Wayne water fountain that was part of the original town hall of Gotham, before it burned to the ground and the fountain was bought out by the Waynes.
Danny: It was a fascinating twelve-minute wait for the small gush of water.
Tucker: Whats the tour guy saying now?
Danny: Don't know. Don't care.
Sam: Ugh, we should play a game. Make the time move faster.
Tucker: Sure, want to play Would You Rather?
Danny: We played that on the bus. How about Have You Ever?
Sam: We don't have anything to drink. Let's do Hot Seat.
Danny: Sure.
Tucker: Go head
Sam: Right, Danny, you're first. If you could sleep with any of the heroes in Gotham who would-
Danny: Red Hood.
Tucker: Good taste. Bouncing off of what Sam said, if you could sleep with any of the Waynes who-
Danny: Jason Todd.
Sam: You seem overly eager to answer these questions.
Danny: Is that a problem?
Jason: No I find it interesting
Danny letting out the highest pitch scream a man of 25 has ever made: !!!!!!
Jason: impressive set of pipes.
Sam whispering to Tucker: Is it just me, or does Danny have a shot?
Tucker whispering back: I think he does. They were about Gotham. Anything can happen here.
areudirty
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