I’m scheduling this for 2024, three years from now. I don’t know if OP’s blog will still be up or if my blog will still be at use but that’s the thing right? We really don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe Tumblr itself won’t exist. Maybe we won’t. So many maybes. Should I draft this on Gmail instead? There’s a bigger chance of this being sent back to me if I do that. But that’s just me finding an option where I have the most control but again we won’t know.
Things have been looking up. I’m still stuck at home, I still haven’t spoken to my parents and I am still in this room. The room is still dusty and I am still me. But things have been looking up because I’ve been looking up. I learned to appreciate where I am and I learned that I am allowed to feel happy. I thought that I couldn’t be happy because there was so much suffering out there. I felt that having a positive outlook on life equates to me being insensitive to those suffering. This is a result of everyone being so aggressive on the internet, but who can blame them right? But despite all of that, I’m taking control of my life. I’m allowing myself to be happy. I am respecting myself more and reminding myself that I do deserve goodness. I deserve to maneuver through my day with a light heart. It doesn’t matter if I die. I used to get so scared of even thinking about death, but I can’t keep living my life from a place of fear. It’ll happen, but until then, I’ll be happy.
I don’t know what 2024 has in store, but in 2021, I promise to myself that I will dedicate time for myself. I will make sure that I don’t forget about the importance of having hope and the importance of being gentle to myself. One day, years after I typed this post, I can be in the arms of a woman I never expected to meet. I can be sitting in a cafe in New Zealand. I can be teaching. I can be listening to the last Taylor Swift album. I can be gone. We can all be gone. So much can happen and until then, the world is already a beautiful place right now. Things are bleak but I believe that I deserve to be happy. I’ll get out of this house and I’ll be able to have that wonderful fucking life and I agree: Someday, I’ll look back and say I’m glad I made it through.
