Academic Gloss

Learning cooking has been interesting. I sort of learned how to make this Mushroom Chicken dish with a bit of improvising on the ingredients. But it was great!

I got it from this site:

Won't sustainability and fashion dreamers be thrilled that Americans are taking some of the biggest environmental advice ever: buy less, buy better? As an interested person myself, this made me wonder if environmental impact is simply shifting.

“In a market like America where people buy a lot of stuff, people are becoming more discerning and buying less quantity but better quality,” says Mario Ortelli of mergers-and-acquisitions advisory firm Ortelli & Co.

Upon reading this, I thought, "wow, really?" Credit card companies Citigroup, Mastercard and Bank of America discovered both the number of US individuals buying luxury goods, and the how much they spent, fell in September compared with last year. Another trend we saw was that luxury goods are becoming more preferred to younger clients, implying that spending accessible luxury brands like Michael Kors, might be shifting.

The reports also show that spending has risen for restaurants and air travel.

Less luxury fashion but more exploring and eating out.

That sounds good to me, but it forced me to think about what I actually advocate for. Personally, I think we should spend less on new clothing and more on services such as therapy, investing in more natural diets, buying ourselves time, and funding social and environmental wellbeing initiatives where we can.

But those are reflections of what I wish I could invest in as an unemployed sustainability student.

So, while I rail for less or regenerative consumption, I can more clearly see the reality of what people may consume more of, especially if they don't need many mental or physical services.

Is the spending shift to more on travel and eating out a good trend for Earth?

I don't know.

I find myself spending a lot more on food, like the report says, but not much on new clothing, and not at all on luxury clothing. Mainly that's because fruit is expensive, vegetables perish, and I spend savings on new foods that end up making me sick or not making me any better. So I'm like an experimental spender at this time. A much of the packaging in my French city is paper, I don't really waste food, and many options here are produced in France...that all helps right? I'd feel better if I could calculate my environmental impact for everything honestly.

Anyway, after reading about the new insights, I wonder if the environmental impact Americans have in their diets and travel cancels out the decreased environmental impact of new or luxury fashion.

In a local Monoprix, I found these framboises at €4.99. These raspberries are an important fruit that helps with my inflammation. For that reason, I rely on them to stave off the diabetes symptoms to which I'm predisposed. I've been on the Mediterranean diet for a few weeks now, but the costs of maintaining it is nearly unaffordable.

In attempt to rid of my binge eating habits, I sometimes eat a lot of, say, raspberries to feel full or satisfied (if at all). That could be with breakfast or for snack. To help my sugar cravings, I try to eat the most fruits and vegetables as possible; more than usual. But a container of 20 raspberries is literally only a handful of fruit, of which I could eat five in one day.

Now first off, my small budget is not even prepared for that amount of perishable foods, despite need for them. Second off, raspberries at €4.99/container multiplied by the 3-5 handfuls I'd eat a day is like €15-25 PER DAY. That's at least €60 per month just on raspberries.

Obviously I buy other fruits like oranges, blueberries and the like, but their costs can be calculated the same as that of raspberries. I mean thank God grapes are only like €1 per pound, but that's still like €15 per month.

Whether I buy variety does not matter. I eat the fruit and vegetables very quickly, and in big servings with a serving of meat or noodles.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I go to different shops for fruits and vegetables, but availability is almost random each week!

And for me, buying a new fruit or vegetable when I see it isn't so simple. I must first see if it's actually okay to eat often by say, researching the sugar content, making sure to own space or tools to manage it, learning if I can even eat it fast enough, and again, accounting for its cost.

Speaking of Gloss goal letter O, openness to friendships...

I went to Paris last weekend with girl from Tandem (where we language exchange for an hour). I thought I would be comfortable, but I just wasn't. And I felt a bit rushed even after saying that I was in no hurry. I will be in France for a lot of my life! There's more too, but mainly, it's just always the same story with most girls I meet.

Anyway, I was shocked to see the height of the Eiffel Tower for the first time. I didn't think I would tear up, but I've been avoiding seeing her for so long... So I decided not to go see any more until I was ready. I think it will be toward my birthday, and the end of my first séjour en France. I enjoyed Paris, but the boulangeries want to take me over! I ate too much sugar there without a doubt!

I've been slowly but surly transitioning to a mediterranean diet after being on one of high sugar in America. It's not easy at all, and I wish I'd started sooner. But I'm happy to be committed to changing now no matter how many times I mess up.

I still eat significantly over the recommended sugar amount for women, which is probably around 22g each day, so that's a problem. But more and more of my meals include vegetables when they didn't before, so that's a good thing!

An issue is portion for me, I like to have things perfectly in balance on my plate. That's hard though when all I can find are things that are either too large, or all of it must be eaten in 24 hours! Plus, my dorm's mini fridge is so small, storage is a hassle. Having these problems does make me think of solutions though, so I'm still happy.

I find myself praying more and more for help to heal my sugar addiction. I believe God will help me do it in the right amount of time. Im grateful to even have the chance to change, that's for sure.

Learning to cook is what the L stands for in my GLOSS goals. & change is happening slowly, surly. I grew up in a household based on low-nutrient foods. I only just realized the negative impact they've had on the health of our family. I genuinely feel like bad health is a key ingredient for our heritage disaster—it’s proven to be nothing less.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, though. My terrible health habits have impacted my ability to learn, focus, and a bunch of other academic related verbs. That CANNOT happen any more. I refuse to let the surrounding sugar-topia take too much my short life. That means I must handle my health before it’s too late. I don’t even know if it already is--I'm predisposed to diabetes and other things from what I've learned. Finding out is something I’m hesitant to do but will eventually talk myself into as I did with getting my eyesight checked. 

Anyway, I’ve committed to cooking things optimized for my lifestyle and repetitive personality. I like simplicity in my home; if I go out, that’s when I’m happy for new, complex dishes. As an exchange student eventually traveling back to the States, I’ve found it’s easiest to reach goals by keeping the following in mind:

-Keeping my tools to a minimum leaves room in my suitcase for returning home.

-Learning the basics are my primary goal; like rice, beans, or eggs.

-Eating the same dishes allows me to sense variation potential. Like adding mushrooms to my pasta and broccoli. 

-Eating the same dishes lets me master them and become more efficient with them. That means it becomes less and less of a burden to prepare them. 

-Trying new things is totally okay. I found some rice/quinoa waffle things that taste just like popcorn but don't hurt my gums with kernels! What a glorious day God has given me, haha.

-I probably won’t be a world chef any time soon, but baby steps matter. I told my friend I cook simple things here at the dorms, so he called me a chef. That word has not been a part of me until now, so I felt happy just for a moment. 

-Treats will be just that, treats. I'm just not going to buy them in excess to eat whenever I'm triggered (which is always). If friends want to buy me one, I'll be grateful. If the treat is a specialty, I'll have it. But the commercial stuff like Twix, Lays, and Fanta, I rebuke.

I keep a simple food journal in my Notion where I write down ingredients, efficiency tips, and how many servings I was able to make. I also note if I’d like to try adding something to the dish one day.

I do want to see my university’s dietician though. I’ll do that once my schedule is settled. Until then, I’ve just been praying through the binge-eating mindset, the hunger, and everything else that comes with trying to make a huge psychological change alone. God is with me and he helps keep me away from foods and habits keeping me hostage. A scripture I like from Matthew, chapter 5, verse 6 helps me further:  Ils sont heureux , ceux qui ont faim et soif d’obéir à Dieu, parce qu’ils seront satisfaits. 

The next step is to get back to the gym where I can take time away from eating and put it into something else that I’ve always wanted to make a habit. 

I’m making posts like this for my siblings. I want to help them with mindset around diet and cooking tips one day if they ever get stuck. I think studying abroad in France is the perfect opportunity to become the healthier individual I’ve always wanted to be.  I couldn’t do it without the help of God, my family, and my University for their generous scholarships.

This year in France will probably be my last leisure year in a long time. Because of that, I’ve created a set of goals to maximize what’s most important to me in this critical time—my mid-twenties. Without them, I probably wouldn’t have courage to do anything at all. I’ve been feeling so out of place, like I don’t fit in. But these goals help me keep my eyes on what matters most. To remind myself daily of what’s most important to me, I’ve created GLOSS goals.

G stands for Getting a high grade in my Forestry course. This one I take at my American university will actually make or break my place on the Dean’s List. 

L means Learn to cook 10 new things using mainly a pot and pan. My diet has been based on sugar and salt my entire life. Now that I’m aging and feel the bad habits running my academic life that I cherish. But I cannot change everything at once, so I’ve found a simple middle ground. I finally made eggs for by myself for the first time the other day. I was so happy, but I made way too much, haha. 

O is the idea of being more open. This means I’m going to try not being in my head to much and be open to new social interactions. I went to a star gazing night alone and met two elder women who let me watch with them. I actually laid in the grass (on a blanket), but still. It’s been years since I’ve done that. I even went to an open-air movie that turned out to be the Lion King. It was interesting to see it from a French language perspective. This also means being open to boys (:

S is for securing scholarships. The only way to afford my student life is by using my head to win money. It’s worked to fund this year; now I’ll work on the next with any free energy I have. But the next post will talk about why that priority shrinks daily.

S, lastly, stands for seeking God. I want to be closer to God and understand the religion I grew up in. So, in my leisure time, I spend it re-reading Matthew, Marc, Luke & John. I hope to have them practically memorized by April.

After arriving in central France, 4000 miles from my Michigan university, I encountered 5 barriers to shopping “sustainably”. I’m hoping after writing this that there emerges “solutions” to overcome such barriers.

I just read Penn State University’s special issue of Utopian Studies: Utopia and Fashion. In the issue, the article Fashion, Sustainability, and the Anthropocene highlighted how consumer behavior is not usually targeted to minimize fashion’s environmental impact—typical in a capitalist economy. Much of those impacts happen at the consumer stage, particularly during laundering where consumer behaviors vary, and energy and water are overused. Because I understand the importance of changing my own behavior, I’m hyper aware of other areas where I make unsustainable choices. So, through a little examination of those areas, I seek understanding and maybe even improvements to my behavior.

In no order, let’s start. Here are the 5 barriers I encountered unexpectedly after moving from across the Atlantic:

Access to thrift shops

I’m in central France right now, an environment different from my home in central Michigan. There, I have access to an abundance of thrift shops. They’re easy to travel to without a car, they have affordable prices, and there is variety of style. It’s a great treasure hunt to go into a Michigan thrift shop and find something to wear or easily alter. In my French city, there are few secondhand clothing shops with sort of…office styles. So, a solution must be finding a thrift shop serving a wider market despite the distance I must travel to access it. That requires excess money, time, and energy—I’ll go if I can. Meanwhile, I just don’t shop unless there’s that one increasingly rare, acceptable piece nearby at a regular business-as-usual shop whose environmental and social impacts are uncertain. At this point, I really only walk into clothing stores in the square to appear normal & like the world isn’t burning.  

Style

Thrift shop clothing is highly customizable for me. If a top doesn’t fit, it’s ok; I can cut or sew it, for it was cheap. I couldn’t justify (at my skill level) playing trial and error with the super tailored clothing, forcing it to suit my student lifestyle. If something (like most things) doesn’t flatter my body, I simple don’t feel confident and may waste what I buy anyway. Solutions would be to feel confident no matter what & be content with my own wardrobe. Easier said than done.

Lack of Information

I searched the web for restorative cookware brand but found none. I think the internet is too big and there’s not enough time before dinner to find the exact key words yielding cookware brands returning what they extract form Earth, and then some. Besides, even if I did find what I sought, chances are they wouldn’t even ship to France. So, I unsuccessfully racked my brain about what to do and felt forced to buy the nearest (probably unsustainable) cookware. What’s particularly worse is that if I can’t afford an extra suitcase home, the cookware will stay in France and my money will be lost.  My intent to help this issue was to rent cookware form my dorm, but last minute, we were notified that rentals weren’t happening this semester due to covid. 

4: fitting in

Girls my age are super stylish here in France; societally, I’m not. For example, the white sneaker trend never inspired me. But I’m older now and seek to fit in, so often I dream of feeling pretty in what makes my feet into boats. If I ever give in and want to try the trend, at minimum I’d like thrift it versus investing business-as-usual sneakers. This is to say, there is immense pressure to be seen as someone the French like. A solution to this though for me has been learning to accept compliments for once even if the effect of them is short-lived. Anyway, this social pressure I’ve dreamt up makes me want to walk into one of the many fast fashion stores and unsustainably shop till I drop (I almost did but stopped myself). But again, an imperative solution is to just be okay with my own clothing. They’re stylish for me and I’m comfy. If anyone says anything, I’ll assume they’re offering me free styling services and are a professional.

Band-Aid Solutions

Generational problems hinder my family. Recently, I’ve felt these problems cannot be solved by me, or by one generation alone. Why? Well, because there isn’t just one problem that, if “solved”, would put my family on a positive path for coming generations. Since I obviously know very little about the world as an undergrade, I assume and infer about my family heritage based on what I see and experience. One assumption I’ve made is that slavery in America’s colonial past is why we are here to begin with. Another assumption particularly about the women, is that they’ve been abused over and over. A final assumption is the lack of wholesome connections.

These things are important for me to explore because it forms my future aspirations: things I study, jobs I take, and problems I see all inspire me to make big changes. I hope to pass those changes down to my siblings, so they don’t get stuck in a negative and self-destructive cycle. But moving forward has been super hard and stressful. To channel the stress, I examine some of these problems through fashion—I can’t possibly study everything ever, so I chose what I’m interested in most.

First, we have the fact that America’s capitalist economy has roots in the slave trade. I like to use the word ‘disinherited’ to describe how I think that past hindered my family’s financial, personal, and educational development from flourishing as much as I think it could have—we are ambitious people. For example, owning land or a home wasn’t slaves’ jobs in the first place; it was to maintain someone else’s who’d already had a head start. Regarding fashion, I think there are cycles we get stuck in that benefit not us, but someone else. My aspiration is to bring to light the fact that some of the fashion system is designed in ways that keep our attention on overconsumption and materialism rather than fixing any generation issues clearly afflicting our progress. How to do this though, is my area of study.

Now, on to women in my family having been that physically and emotionally abused. Basically, the negative mindsets and habits stemming from that abuse permeates our lives. In at least three past generations there is a theme (one of many) of ignoring root problems. I’m not sure if my family just can’t see them or if they can’t help themselves when they do; either way, they intensify destructive cycles. Anyway, fashion’s system has band aid solutions that they love to market as solutions to deeper issues. We can see this in brands using recycled plastic to make clothing. It seems better on the surface, but the plastic still has myriad issues associated with it. A better answer is to just consume less clothing, so the sector degrades the environment less. But capitalism forbid that. Human psychology forbid that. My hope is to study fashion to understand personal as well as world problems in the context of our socioeconomic systems and try to change them from the root. 

Lastly, my family does not connect with each other, or themselves. For example, there are parents, there are children. That relationship is strictly NOT for deep emotional support. I don’t think this happened on purpose at all. I just think nobody felt passionately about building a healthy relationship with anyone or themselves. This means that critical conversations were either outsourced, not had, or glazed over. Why does nobody discuss serious issues like body perception, healthy habits, finances, or boys? Part of that reason is because these conversations had never been had in the first place. Everyone for himself—because of a need to survive daily struggles, probably. Like my mom and dad don’t know HALF of what I went through during my primary school years. On one hand, dad was more open with me about boys, but it wasn’t the only perspective I needed. On the other hand, mom didn’t make me feel like I could talk to her at all. If I did have an issue, I’d surely be a bad egg for my siblings, or of the devil if I did. Yet different men were in our lives constantly—none of them were worth the cubic zirconia they offered up. (I don’t 100% blame mom though. She was like 25 and wanted to live. She unfortunately had to do it in sub-par circumstances) But the point is with all the drama, she couldn’t see when to stop, reflect on, then mitigate men’s impacts to us, or herself. What’s this got to do with fashion? Well, consumer behavioral changes are needed if fashion wants a hand in restoring itself and Earth to healthy states for all. Though, the girls who are targeted struggle to change behaviors. Again, I’m studying sort of why that might be and hoping to help. Baby steps though, fashion first, world second.

To my sister who might feel she must choose between passions one day to make a living.

People ask me what I study and do. “Environmental Sustainability, French, and a bit of fashion,” I answer.

Momentarily, they’re speechless, eyes enlarged. “Wow, that’s awesome. How though?” they ask.

To sum up my answer, I’d say whatever you want to do, realize it’s not in a vacuum. Almost every industry touches or requires another—like a symbiotic type of thing. And it’s okay to work “indirectly” on your passion probs. 

Here’s my story for a big example:

First, I accepted my obsession with style.  I toiled about being an engineer, or lawyer, or something that actually helps the world, you know? Fashion wasn’t serious to me so, I never formally pursued it. But then learning more about what fashion really is, I found it helps society to a degree that I rest with. Everyone isn’t going to be a doctor or something….and I’m not even cognizant enough for that anyway—I’m totally fine with this though, as I have other gifts! 

After studying fashion independently, I saw it’s impact on the environment and humanity. I wondered how to help fashion reduce its negative impacts. But there is surprisingly A LOT needing to be improved (by the way, I’m Christian and think God will save the world so I don’t see my efforts as angelic. This is just to have fun & make a difference while alive).  Anyway, I asked myself which aspect of fashion I felt most passionately about and that helped the world. I realized I couldn’t work on every problem though. Thankfully, there are people working in each part of greener fashion whom I could partner with if I ever needed. My niche took about one day to figure out; I cared about the environment most—particularly the green part with its lush plants and breathtaking landscapes. On top of that, I’m interested in economic consumerism of fashion driving environmental and societal degradation. So, I enrolled in Environmental Studies and Sustainability at university, basically starting my second degree from the bottom up. I’m happy with this choice because it awakens my inner scientist, and we learn about other disciplines. 

Most importantly, I learned how a healthier environment can help women and children in the textile industry. That made me be kinder to myself about not pursing environmental justice or something as an entire degree—we learn about it anyway under sustainability. Again, it’s not that I don’t care about those things a lot; I just cannot work on too many things at once—a choice had to be made. The earlier you niche, the better.

I didn’t want to study fashion formally though, as I’m not interested in fashion design. I’ll be taking a sustainable design course at the end of my studies to round out my knowledge about like fibers and new textile innovations and cutting for less waste, but principally I study how fashion functions in society and the environment. I study how brands and consumers play their parts in those respects.

Now, a driver of a more sustainable fashion is France. Because fashion pretty much evolved at first in France, their fashion sector leads. So I figured, if I was going to work on fashion, I might as well learn from the best and see how they approach sustainability and fashion. This is how I justify learning French first over Greek, Portuguese, or a Liberian native language.

I’ve got a small dream to have a start in my career as a sustainable fashion manager. But outside of work, I’ll try tackling consumerism, trying to communicate that we’ve got more control than we think. Brands sometimes exploit our insecurities for profits and that ruins us and the environment sometimes. 

So now, I try hard to study and work in the three areas because they’re all connected and I’m passionate about them. 

There’s this Japanese concept for a happy and long life: Ikigai.  It’s almost like raison d’être in French which means reason for being.

It’s not enough to just know what it is though. I think that these practical ideas can help you actually APPLY your Ikigai once you’ve found it.  Now, there’s already books, videos and many articles about this concept; we all seek happiness. But I’m not sure if anyone actually talks about next steps. Maybe they have, but I’ll add some more.

I learned about IKIGAI from this blue book with pretty flowers on it. I was fed up with life and tired of being upset. I knew this couldn’t last forever. I needed some control. So I walked to my second home: the bookstore. And before my slightly watery eyes, Ikigai rested front and center on the shelf. I knew it was for me.

The back of the book shows the part you’ll get most of your inspiration from, I think. It’s a Venn diagram showing circles labeled what you love, what you're good at, & what the world needs. 

Hopefully you’re not like me and actually know how to fill in a Venn diagram; my friend Energi had to tell me what todo after the first parts of the circles were filled.

Anyway, after you finish thinking about the Venn diagram, it’s time to apply what you’ve learned to your career.

Here’s how:

Research a word from your diagram + jobs/opportunities/positions. Even if you see things not exactly to your liking, check what words they use and search up from there. You might find some treasure.

Check into books at the library that pertain to your topic. Just look at the titles and see what resonates. Then, if they’re non-fiction, you can check the reference sections to see if there’s any organizations or business that informed the book. There, you’ll find many places that could be hiring. Just check!

Search what your heart asks. For example, if in your diagrams all have the word ‘skydiving’ in it, or something, you can search “do people get paid to skydive?”, or “can I make money skydiving?”. See what you find. Don’t hold back.

Read articles about your diagram’s words. You’ll see someone wrote that right? Search them up and see if you can discover how they began. They might have a LinkedIn page with their “first” jobs, or they might even have an interview. We all must start from somewhere so use their stories as inspiration for a starting point; you can clearly see it leads to something you’d like to do.

Test before you apply. Really read the job description to see if it matches some of your desires. You don’t have to apply just yet. You can also search the position online to see if anyone shares their life in that profession; you can then see if you could do their job.

Research a word from your diagram + platform/forum. You might find a place dedicated to jobs in your niche.

Take courses online. Short or long courses anywhere online are great to test if your Ikigai has been sparked. YouTube has short courses as does Skillshare and Masterclass. This can help you get more acquainted with the things you love and turn them into things you’re good at. You can search a word from your diagram + certification/certificate if you want more structure and credentials without going to university.

University Career: Use your ikigai words to see if there’s study programs that correspond. You can see how what you love or what you’re good at works in the real world. For example, I know that Fashion has a lot of environmental aspects. So, I study environmental sustainability in France, the Fashion birthplace. Later, I’ll work in fashion maybe as a sustainability consultant (& I’ll get to speak French, another love of mine).

So yeah, there’s a lot of ways you can start the process of living in your Ikigai. It just takes a bit of treasure hunting to see what’s really out there. I hope this helps and that you have a long and happy life!

Here's my first diagram that helped me find my passion and changed my life.

Happiness is a moment.

Here's a step by step mini-guide on how I found happiness in my 20's. These aren't in depth by any means, but it might help you just get started.

Get fed up Knowing problems exist is the first step to improving the situation. You can complain as long as you're about to handle it.

Learn Root Problems Ask yourself WHY, always. Write down your answers. Search for similarities and attack one root problem at a time. Or you can attack the one root problem that might improve many others.

Dream. Nobody will strike you for your desires if you say them to yourself. Understand these desires may change and so might you. But commit to not holding back your ideas at least to yourself.

Reverse Work. What does it mean to live that dream? Start big and break it down. Watching people who are pursuing or living your dream help this step. Start with the smallest thing you're comfortable with. Even if it's as simple as watching a Disney Princess movie for your prince charming dream or environment dream.

Set Goals S.M.A.R.T goals and vision boarding are key to moving yourself forward. Keep your big picture in mind and move toward it, bit by bit. If you feel something is wrong, it's okay to change your goal. Also, GET A WHITE BOARD.

Live Your Dream Now. Be intent on living your dream as much as possible now. If you have to work a part time job to get money for a car, do it. But don't dread it if you can. See if there's ways you can add your dream into your work. For example, reading books about it on break. Talking to customers about it.

Meanwhile... Remind yourself at every chance why you're working so hard. Don't forget the big picture. Read books about it, watch videos, listen to music that would be in your dream life.

Sacrifice Some things are worth sacrificing. You can decide what those things are. For example; you can, like me, sacrifice shaving so you can save the planet and have more time to learn about it and yourself. I'd rather sacrifice that than sleep.

Ask for and be Open to Help Don't shy away from people who wanna help you. Even if it's just a chat, a little help goes a long way. Also, get creative with your requests. For example; if you want an apartment in the US, ask if there's other ways to qualify. You never know. Another example: for your studies, ask if there's any customization available or ask if there's more online classes; ask if there's more scholarships. Another example: Go to writing center 10 times if you must.

Cotton Candy is called Dad's Beard: Barbe à papa

Screenless windows

0 fear of bees from population

Walking into people isn't a problem (thankfully)

Buildings are stuck together more than in Michigan

Bathrooms are separated in a way (take sanitizer)

Bags in grocery store: Bring your own, or buy paper. Plastic ones are rare.

Libraries are open less

University: you really can't tell that it even is one!

Parking meters are more centralized, everyone pays at one meter

Okay seriously coming here was a bad idea, haha. Something tells me it's just hormones making me nearly faint over what I see. Back at home, I liked no one. I looked rarely at the people in my area; I just wasn't interested. I knew the person for me wouldn't be found here, so why bother? But here in France, I'n excited every day. There's so much play between the eyes of mine and those of the passing men. I just can't help but to be concerned for myself though because of this reality.

It's just if it's already hard to focus on my mission here, I know university is about to be even harder. I didn't think I'd actually like anyone because that's so rare. But I'm sure there's candy--dangerous candy--just waiting for me in classes.

But I'm aware of it now and decided to just let the good things happen and be very wary of bad vibes when I catch them.

Anyway: Boy story of the day, as pithy as I can make it:

Like today some older man who usually was pass me on the bridge just would not stop pestering for my contact today. And he was like telling me we'd go eat and everything and I just kept saying no. But it was about to rain, and we lived on the same street. So as he walked further ahead of me, I rushed into the restaurant I told myself I wouldn't go into (there's a boy there that I tell myself I shouldn't like... but I do). And boy was it the perfect timing. He just happened to be in there working alone and I told him I would just wait here because some man was bothering me. He scrunched his eyebrows and walked right over to the door and said who? Where? He asked me what he looks like and I tried to explain in broken French like "des cheveux blancs, il est court, vieux".

So my restaurant boy sat me down and gave me his water bottle to drink from while he worked and kept an eye on the street with me. I was like... oh no this I so sweet, what am I getting myself into? Lol. I have no idea. The boy told me to give him my number or instagram before I left so we could keep in touch in case of emergency. We were fumbling phones trying to work through my American phone number probs and instagram when his boss walks in. I'm like oh no. His boss has been hitting on me too but I'm not having it. So that made me feel like we were in trouble.

Just before leaving, I bought an ice cream so his boss wouldn't think we were just playing around. But I saw he had this nice bracelet... he was getting busier with people in the store, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to touch him this whole time. So I tried. Then he gave me the bracelet! I was like, are you sure? He said yes and then I smiled a big thank you. But of course I'm anxious, so I messaged him I'd just like bring the bracelet back tomorrow--I just wanted it for the night.

I was so ready to face my fear of people today at this river Loire. For years I've had high anxiety around public pools. I never want people to think I'm trying to get attention or imposing on them. In reality, I just want to touch the water. And this river's rush is so mesmerizing that I nearly fall over the bridge listening to it. The sound of the waves draws me in. That draw was so strong yesterday that I cried plenty of tears into the river. It was so hot and I just wanted to be in the water.

My fear of people looking at me, thinking I'm ugly, or something, or that I'm taking up their space....all that keeps me from enjoying what I really wish to.

But after crying yesterday at the river, I was embarrassed. It's probably dramatic to see a girl crying into a river over a bridge. I told myself I'd get into the river Wednesday, but I was too afraid. Ugh. It made me mad to yet again let fear take me over and deprive me.

I remembered my goal here in France though--to become a new person, essentially. And I didn't want anyone having control over me like that. So I wrote all my water fears and anxieties down. I watched some videos about anxiety to see if anything would help; it did. Then I decided to ease myself into the water. I'd go to river the next day and just put my feet into it. I'd take my watch, air pods and a new playlist for the city to distract myself from all the eyes.

I was so ready to face the fear of people. I walked to the river pretending any person in my view just wasn't there. But once I got to the river, no one was there! There was just a man on a mini island to my far left. I was so shocked, but so happy.

Now I'd surly put to use that $30 sunscreen from la pharmacie. Anyway, there was a pile of rocks right in the water and very close to the shore. I hesitated. What if a bunch of people show up right after I set foot in the water? How would I get out? These were such lame thoughts. But Louis Armstrong started playing and that gave me confidence to ignore myself and walked right over to that rock pile. The pile was formed just like a little seat. So I sat and waited for people to come No one did.

The sun shined, the waves rushed, and the wind blew. I was so happy that I spent at least 20 minutes just splashing my feet in the water. the tiny fish didn't like it though. I tried not to hurt them, but I just couldn't help but play. Finally.

But I am concerned that I like didn't really get to face my fear like I'd planned.... I mean I sort of did. But not really? There were a few people that came right as I was leaving (of course I ignored them). But that was it!

Today I felt love when a flower vender held out to me a pink bouquet of roses. "Choisissez la plus belle?" he offered. They each looked different to me. I always felt 'extra' because of my pauses to pick la plus belle of anything. I was happy that he understood a girl's need for time to pick the most beautiful rose. I was paying two euros for it after all.

He asked me if the rose was a gift. "Non," I responded. "C'est pour moi." So he picked a billowy white rose and gave to me for free.