Abused Kid Problems

I’m sorry to everyone who sent in things that went unanswered. I hope you were able to find the advice and support you needed elsewhere. 

Stay strong and know that you are loved. <3

Some abusers love their victims. Abuse is not simply the absence of love. Your partner could love you and still be abusive toward you.

Also, abuse is never something that is deserved. A person can’t cause their own abuse. Even if he only abuses you when he’s angry with you... that’s still not okay.

There’s nothing wrong with questioning if your partner is being abusive. You don’t have to feel guilty about that. People who aren’t being abused seldom wonder if they are, so I would encourage you to listen to these feelings. 

If you feel like you are being abused, it’s okay to leave or get help. It’s okay to trust yourself, even if you aren’t totally sure. Even if you come to the conclusion that you don’t think it’s abuse, or just can’t tell, it’s still okay to leave if you want to. You don’t owe anyone a relationship, and feeling safe is more important than protecting his feelings. 

Ultimately, you have to be the one to decide what your feelings mean. But I can tell you that many victims/survivors of sexual abuse are missing some or all of their memories, especially those who were abused as children. So the fact that you don’t have any memories doesn’t necessarily mean that nothing could have happened.

If you are having these feelings, then I would suspect that maybe something happened. But it’s up to you to explore those feelings further. You have mentioned you fit the symptoms that usually show up in adults, and that’s a good place to start, though I should point out that those symptoms can originate from other places, like some mental illnesses. I would also consider looking into the symptoms in children and seeing if you recall matching any of those. If you feel safe doing so, you could also talk to someone older who knew you well as a child and see if they remember seeing any of those behaviors in you.

One thing that helped me a lot when I first started to acknowledge my own sexual abuse was to join online communities for victims/survivors. Reading other people’s experiences really helped to show me that my feelings were completely normal, and that countless others had been where I was. 

A lot of abusers are generous with physical gifts, sometimes to make up for the abuse, or to convince others they are not abusive or even to mess with their victim’s mind. Sometimes there is no ulterior motive, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of being abusive.

Few abusers are consistent in their behavior. That in itself can play a huge role in the abuse and the victim’s reaction to it. Victims may doubt their ability to judge a person or situation, be immediately suspicious of someone who seems ‘too nice,’ or feel confused about their abuser and their experiences. 

Unfortunately, a lot of people do have false notions about what ‘real abuse’ looks like. And that means that other people don’t always react in supportive ways. It is possible that people in your life will accuse you of lying or being ungrateful. But I can tell you that those people are wrong, and you don’t have to listen to them.

It’s not bad to hate someone who hurts you, even if they buy gifts for you. It doesn’t mean your abuse isn’t real or as serious as someone else’s. And you don’t have to be grateful that they are doing that. You don’t owe anything to people who abuse you. Being angry with them, distancing yourself from them, talking about your abuse... none of those things make you a bad person. And nobody who comes to us is a bother. This is what we’re here for. It’s okay.

That’s totally normal. I think that’s something a lot of abuse victims/survivors struggle with. 

No, you’re not a bad survivor. Some people love their abusers, some people hate them, and some are somewhere in the middle. None of those people are wrong. 

If it feels like you can’t feel angry, there may be something more to your feelings that you just can’t access yet. So I would encourage you to examine why that might be, and allow yourself room to have emotions that may seem bad or overwhelming. 

But if you just don’t want to be angry at her, and you genuinely want to forgive her, that’s fine. If you find that you’re angry with her in the future and don’t want to forgive her, that’s okay too. It’s completely up to you. And neither is inherently right or wrong.

I think it’s okay to feel envious. Abuse isn’t fair, and sometimes it’s hard to not feel some resentment or other negative feelings toward people that didn’t live through what you did. I would be careful with thinking about them as a brat, though, and try to see if maybe your feelings affect the way you interact with them. It’s okay to have thoughts that aren’t nice sometimes, but we should always work to see how those thoughts are affecting us otherwise.

Absolutely. It’s incredibly common to do this. I don’t have any proper statistics about it, but based on my experiences talking to abuse victims/survivors, I’d say the vast majority do this to some extent or other.

An adult has absolutely no business ‘dating’ a minor six years their junior. Regardless of how things turned out, this was an abusive situation from the very beginning. Asking for nude photos from you was wrong, and in many places, illegal. I would consider this sexual abuse or child sexual abuse, but it’s your decision to put a name on it.

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That can definitely be classified as both, though it’s really up to you what you want to call it.

We have some tips here: Tips for coping while living in an abusive homeAnd here is a Self Care masterpost

Overall I think the best practice is to keep yourself busy or isolated if possible.

let me know if any other changes need to be made <3

I can’t tell you for sure if it happened or not. But it certainly could have, and just because you don’t have regular memories about it doesn’t mean you’re making it up.

It is exceptionally common for people to block out parts or all of their sexual abuse, especially if it happened when they were young. I don’t have many memories of my abuse, and most of the victims/survivors I have talked to are missing at least some of their memories.

When it comes to this, it’s okay to listen to what your gut tells you. If you feel it happened, then that’s enough. People who weren’t abused very seldom wonder if they were. And having these fears and body memories definitely suggests to me that something may have happened.

It’s okay to be scared. I was, too. And though it’s really difficult when you start confronting these feelings, I can promise it gets easier with time.

Some things that may be helpful would be to read about the signs of sexual abuse in children, and what those signs look like when the person is older. These may help you sort out what you believe happened, and may show you things you might not be coping with well. We have gotten a lot of questions just like this, with people feeling the same way you do, and we’ve talked about some ideas for coping here.

You are always welcome to write back if you need help or have questions. <3

Yes, to deny a child an education is neglect. (Though things like tutoring and homeschooling do count, and I’m not sure if you just mean you wish to go to a form of public school.) Calling you stupid and making you feel bad about not performing well in certain areas is abusive on its own, and you don’t deserve that. 

I definitely think it can be. If she has no real reasons to suspect you’re lying, and does it anyway to control you, make you feel bad or anything else of that nature, then yes.