rayne

hello!!! welcome to the getmorenonbinary blog!!!! a space made for enby folks to share experiences, talk about gender, and, especially, for nonbinary joy 💛

mod goes by they/it! and just refer to them as mod or as their username lol. not disclosing real name for personal reasons

anyone that falls under the nonbinary umbrella is welcome to share their experience here, of course. including those who don't necessarily relate with the term "nonbinary". binary folks can participate, but do not make this about your experience please. basically, be on theme

this blog has no dni, but exorsexists and other kinds of bigots will be blocked.

content warning for caps, that are used often when i answer asks

this blog is inspired by @get-more-transmasc, @get-more-transfem, @this-is-nonbinary-joy, @this-is-trans-joy and @this-is-trans-solidarity

I saw a few posts along the lines of “misandry isn’t real because women hating men has no consequence, unlike men hating women!” Which is… not true.

Assuming that misandry doesn’t exist because it isn’t systemic is just wrong. Also that whole idea just continues to center perisex cishetallo able-bodied neurotypical conventionally attractive white men, and it pushes the idea of those men being the default.

I’m just gonna rattle off a few examples of misandry i can think of rn. There are obviously more, but its also 12:30 am and I’m tired.

- men who do not fit into the “default” i described above are more likely to be seen as dangerous, especially Black men

- there are way less teachers who are men than there are teachers who are women. I don’t know *exactly* why this is, but i can assume it’s partially because of the idea that men are automatically predators simply for being men

- trans men are erased from society by both cis and trans people because their experience is seen as less than because they are masculine

- men’s mental health awareness is constantly made fun of because people think it’s a joke

But I think what also gets me about it is that it boils transfemininity down to suffering. It crams decades and decades, centuries, even, of transfem culture and identity and community into one acronym. An acronym that means Transmisogyny affected. A term that says "I am hurt by transmisogyny." or "I am a victim of/to transmisogyny".

It takes all the joy, all the happiness, the courage, bravery, love and kindness. It takes all the good, and overshadows it with being a victim. Maybe not now, but inevitably, you will be a victim all because of your gender identity.

And you know what that reminds me of?

Radical feminists who base their entire gender identities on being pre-destined victims. Radical feminists who claim that womanhood is a death trap, or a prison, rather than something to celebrate and love. It's a moral obligation, because the only other option is to be a gender traitor.

TMA asserts that to be a trans woman is to suffer for being a trans woman. That once you are a trans woman, there is some unseen clock ticking down to the day you are assaulted, abused, harassed, murdered, or harmed in some other fashion. There is no joy here, only pain.

And that makes me so, so sad, because it doesn't have to be that way. Transfemininity is not a death sentence. It doesn't make you into some social pariah. Transfemininity can be freeing and liberating. It can make you feel alive and happy. Transfemininity should be something to celebrate and dance for, not grieve over or make you wait for the axe to fall.

Don't convince yourself you'll already become a statistic when you feel your egg crack. And if you do, convince yourself that you'll get to be the statistic of trans people who are 65+ years old. Do everything you can to fall into that statistic. Despite it all, despite the systemic injustice against you. Boost the numbers of trans elders. Don't let anyone tell you that you're doomed to despair because of who you are.

part I

while there are many elements that go into transmisogyny, i believe it to be a shared understanding that the part that generally, usually, normatively elicits the violent, murderous rage that results in so many deaths is the idea of "a man pretending to be a woman in order to trick other men into sleeping with him"

there's a lot to unpack there, but the thing I want to highlight here is that this is not an accurate description of trans women. it both misgenders them /and/ ascribes decidedly untrue motives. it is generally /associated with/ trans women and used to /refer to/ them but it does not 'mean' trans women because it is fully untrue about them

like i would actually be surprised to learn that literally never in the entire history of humanity has there been a single trans woman who thought it would be funny to trick a man into sleeping with her only to surprise reveal her genitals. however, even this hypothetical daredevil prankster would still, by definition, be a woman, making the idea still untrue as applied to her

i would also be surprised to learn that literally never in the entire history in humanity has there been a man who thought it would be funny to dress up like a woman and trick another man into sleeping with him only to surprise reveal his genitals. this hypothetical daredevil prankster is meanwhile, by definiton, not a trans woman

so the iconic feature of transmisogyny, the most physical threat to trans women's lives, is based on a misconception and misgendering in the first place

this is also characteristic of other aspects of transmisogyny. they are not based on an accurate undersatnding of the world. see all the denial of science going on, among other fun facts

when transmisogynist decides to transmisogynistically attack someone, they do not first ask for their birth certificate or their pronouns

literally any gender non-conforming person, and also any person who does not conform to the corresponding culture's gendered appearance standards, is a possible target for transmisogynist violence

you can call it "misdirected" but that doesn't make any sense, because see above: the original idea does not refer to trans women in the first place, it 'intends' to target men who pretend to be women in order to trick other men into sleeping with them. trans women are simply the most common target for the associated violence to be misdirected towards

it usually targets trans women, yes. however, trans men, nonbinary people, intersex people of all genders, cis men and cis women are all not exempt since it's based on ascribing someone a spurious motive and making bigoted assumptions about their gender in the first place

part II

at one point in feminist history, 'men pretending to be women in order to trick men into sleeping with them' got a buddy

it was called 'men pretending to be women in order to trick other women into sleeping with them'

and also another more general friend called 'men pretending to be women in order to infiltrate women's spaces with nefarious intent'

that be the terfs, we all know of them

(terfs reading this, please think long and hard about why you think what you think. please take this chance to look up some science, crime statistics, etc)

and while there was some theoretical opposition to be had in 'actually men are not inherently violent, are our natural allies in the fight against sexism and patriarchy rather than enemies, and there are predatory and rapist women as well'

most opposition to the idea was 'actually trans women are women though'. people rallied against misgendering, invited trans women in as their sisters, and so on. it was very nice

you know who is not women though? trans men

'men in women's spaces tricking lesbians into sleeping with them'. 'men trying to access resources meant for women'. 'men are inherently misogynistic and hostile and hold oppressive views'

men pretending to be women with nefarious intent, where have we heard this before

concepts to look up for supplementary reading

gender essentialism

sexism

queer liberation

you can go from there, i believe in you

extra special supplementary reading by me

But I think what also gets me about it is that it boils transfemininity down to suffering. It crams decades and decades, centuries, even, of transfem culture and identity and community into one acronym. An acronym that means Transmisogyny affected. A term that says "I am hurt by transmisogyny." or "I am a victim of/to transmisogyny".

It takes all the joy, all the happiness, the courage, bravery, love and kindness. It takes all the good, and overshadows it with being a victim. Maybe not now, but inevitably, you will be a victim all because of your gender identity.

And you know what that reminds me of?

Radical feminists who base their entire gender identities on being pre-destined victims. Radical feminists who claim that womanhood is a death trap, or a prison, rather than something to celebrate and love. It's a moral obligation, because the only other option is to be a gender traitor.

TMA asserts that to be a trans woman is to suffer for being a trans woman. That once you are a trans woman, there is some unseen clock ticking down to the day you are assaulted, abused, harassed, murdered, or harmed in some other fashion. There is no joy here, only pain.

And that makes me so, so sad, because it doesn't have to be that way. Transfemininity is not a death sentence. It doesn't make you into some social pariah. Transfemininity can be freeing and liberating. It can make you feel alive and happy. Transfemininity should be something to celebrate and dance for, not grieve over or make you wait for the axe to fall.

Don't convince yourself you'll already become a statistic when you feel your egg crack. And if you do, convince yourself that you'll get to be the statistic of trans people who are 65+ years old. Do everything you can to fall into that statistic. Despite it all, despite the systemic injustice against you. Boost the numbers of trans elders. Don't let anyone tell you that you're doomed to despair because of who you are.

i dont even know how to describe the levels of anxiety and distress this has caused me. i already struggle to feel safe in public due to my paranoia. i dont know how i am going to handle going out. i desperately hope this changes. i am grateful to my friends and partner for sticking up for me both times and holding me while i cried.