Wow, it's been like 10 years since I updated this. Neat.
I've made a dreamwidth blog just in case tumblr dies. I think dreamwidth is neat.
My username on Discord is Liliet#1061 (and no I don't intend to update it, they're asking but they haven't tried to force me yet).
My username on reddit is LilietB.
Read PGTE. Homestuck is great. Peace and love on the planet Earth.
I'm Ukrainian. Wish us luck.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
I HAVE FINALLY POSTED THE THING TO AO3
(working title, might be changed later)
premise:
immediately post s2 finale, after my fic that is _immediately_ immediately after it. Lilith has not called Charlie yet.
slice of life soap opera: nobody permadies, but a few people might at some points wish they did
the most insane multiship i can cram into a single timeline, and trust me, I am _creative_ with that. Welcome to hell, Alastor!
doing my best to treat serious subjects with the gravity they deserve, but this is still ultimately a fic, so yknow. sensitivity readers feel free to volunteer?
this is _mostly_ not a pornfic, but uh. regenerating immortal demon kink will be had. mind the tags, and check them for updates when i post a new chapter, okay?
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Probably more medical detail than opsec calls for, but there's practically zero research on nonbinary chemical gender transition — so I'm throwing my trip report into the collective 'net.
I am nearly 29, knew I was trans since 17 and I have been on HRT (estrogen) on and off for the past 18 months with testosterone for the last 6. Currently: 8mg Estradiol Enanthate weekly, plus 25mg testosterone weekly.
The hypothesis: The body auto-converts excess T→E and excess E→T, so it can handle high levels of both without much trouble. Women regularly take testosterone during menopause — this should be doable.
My theory: Take high E to block natural T production, then supplement a tiny bit of T to compensate. Should keep everything contextually balanced.
Six months in, and I just got my labs back. My doctor (not amused by this experiment) is shocked: I'm healthier than I've ever been across every metabolic marker. Dead center on every single metric. Blood pressure normal (first time ever). Weight stable. I have some breast growth starting, but no solidified nodules — so with raloxifene I could revert 90%+ if I wanted (TBD). They are very sensitive, for better or worse.
I have noticed my body becoming more feminine (appreciated), which is saying something since I am naturally broad and muscular. Think of a very masc blacksmith-NPC-character-model kind of build. I have curves now. Skin is overall softer. Body hair is much thinner (previously was bold, black, and gnarly). Face is smoother, jawline more defined, but the face itself is a bit rounder, especially in the cheeks.
Mental state is solid. Making real progress on projects, feeling hopeful, taking more risks and actually being comfortable with it. More open, more outgoing. Before this was quite depressed, anxious, paranoid, unable to make decisions, and just felt worthless, now its the exact opposite - I have tried every anti-depressant around, and had great luck with LSD, but this has been by far the most 'calm', happy, and level-headed I have ever been. That said, on pure estrogen, my mental clarity is certainly sharper. The combo is still clear enough though.
I understand why most queer people hate these kinds of reports and this kind of experimentation, trust me my friends make that very clear. And sure, I'm probably still denying plenty of things to myself. But , from a research perspective, this has always fascinated me, and the literature is so thin that I might as well add a small, informal case study to the mix.
Q: Why do queer people hate these kinds of reports? I'm unfamiliar
I am writing this here because the tumblr reply system is purposefully built for extremely short-form communication and this is a longer answer.
This is a mixed answer, all people have different hangups, some are around natural arguments, some are perversions of inclusivity philosophy, some are residual myopic views on gender, and some are just plain worried about what it means for them, or the time sunk cost falacy that maybe they went down the wrong path. I don't have anything against these people, many of them are very dear friends that I would give my life for, but this is the way I read it and have noticed in discussions (and analyzing my own gender woes and hangups).
This is a bit longer, so stay tuned after the break:
Welcome back! - let's get into it.
Some worry that researching alternative hormone regimens could societaly delegitimize being trans, invalidate their own path, regret through the 'possibility of alternatives', and more.
Even in queer spaces, gender is often still treated as a binary. You can switch sides, but you can't exist outside them. That men are men, women are women, and while you can switch between them, you shouldn't, wouldn't, and couldn't be anything outside of that binary. Some hold this philosophically; others fear that expanding the binary will make society hate us more for complicating the conversation. Why fight the system when you can just work to redefine it from within?
There are quite a few otherwise progressive people who will accept non-binary as a category, but it becomes clear in conversation that they see it as a subset of the primary dualities of 'femme|female|woman|girl' and 'masc|male|men|boy' . You can be nonbinary [masc.nb] or nonbinary [femme.nb] but "nonbinary" itself isn't a category you're allowed to be. The same people who notably and righteously reject gender hierarchies often still treat masc lesbians as closer to men than to women, or trans men as closer to women than men — even if they hold that trans women are women (or the inverse). They may argue that sapphic or gay spaces should only include femme and masc primary archetypes, and ignore anything that goes beyond those labels. But I digress....
There is also a strange, yet marginally understandable, bio-essentialist reframing of "You can't be both. Your body runs on one primary hormone, synthetic or not." It masquerades as natural fact but often traces back to just plain unexamined essentialist thinking.
Now, part of the reason for the natural naturalistic fallacy argument is that non-binary transition paths are radically understudied, even by the scant standards of trans and gender research. We know the 'standard' approach works for transition, and we just build off that through replication of studies and more, but frontier science is nearly nonexistent. So we default to "your body has one primary hormone, don't fuck with nature, god mother nature knows all" and take it at face value.
Another view: any affirmative research into this could be weaponized by anti-trans evangelists to argue that "transition isn't worth it," because it breaks apart the coupled concepts of social transition and chemical transition—the idea that if you're perceived as masc or femme, your chemical makeup can't be at odds with that perception. If the social view doesn't have to match, and you can "solve" being trans chemically, then appearance doesn't matter. And that threatens preconceived notions of what is and isn't natural, biological, expected, or scientific.
You can hear echoes of the same argument from others in the community "You can't and shouldn't boymode, even if you genuinely enjoy it, because the real goal is to be yourself, inside and out. Anything else is just fear keeping you in your comfort zone." You should be free to be yourself. I won't argue against it. But some people would be understandably fine being perceived as a jacked masc dude while running on primarily estrogen.
Here's a hypothetical, and uncomfortable thought experiment: If a pill existed that eliminated dysphoria (you don't need dysphoria to be trans!), depression, and all of the mental and physical desires to transition, trans activists would call it "medical conversion therapy" and oppose it; while anti-trans evangelists would celebrate it as medical conversion therapy and demand it become mandatory. Both sides would find common ground, then eat each other's faces.
If non-binary transition or balanced hormone levels proved effective for people like me, it'd be weaponized by both camps, each treating non-binary as a subcategory of the binary, not an expansion of gender itself. And that terrifies people who may not realize they believe society should forever be bound by a dual gender hierarchy, a two-party system. They'll say they understand non-binary people exist, but still see them as part of the binary. As if the name on the tin isn't literally non and binary - to be not of the binary, and not just used as a collective new superior monolithic third category just as no woman is an island, nonbinary is not a monolith.
There's a lot of nuance and straw-manning here, but after countless discussions: with myself, with others, in circles, with people who get it and people who don't, I'm sure I'm still missing some arguments. But, it mostly boils down to these issues.
There's a recurring online tendency to aestheticize consensus itself. The imagined future village is full of emotionally compatible people who enjoy communal gardening, conflict resolution circles, acoustic folk music, mutual aid potlucks, and repairing bicycles together at sunset. Which is nice for the people who genuinely enjoy that lifestyle. But plenty of humans are solitary, prickly, obsessive, urban, nocturnal, sensory-seeking, technologically attached, contrarian, novelty-seeking, private, or just plain difficult. Those people do not evaporate after the revolution. They do not get Left Behind while you are Raptured into the Utopia. They become your neighbors.
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intellectual disability be singular diagnosis give to people who struggle with intellectual functioning & adaptive functioning (e.g living skills), rated from mild to profound. it affect everything every single aspect about person.
(UK: learning disability, not to be confused w specific learning disability or UK term learning difficulty. so far only find UK use this term difference.)
intellectual disability often comorbid with autism - different source n study say different things but many place say 30% or more autistic ppl have intellectual disability.
autism (& adhd, specific learning disability like dyslexia, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, etc) be part of wider umbrella called developmental disability (DD).
(technically, intellectual disability also a developmental disability. but because so many other developmental disability comorbid with ID, & ID affect everything single aspect of person, ppl often give it extra emphasis, abbreviating both of them as intellectual / developmental disability (I/DD))
intellectual disability experience & intellectual disability activism need center actual intellectually disabled people / people with intellectual disability. whenever autistic people without ID mistake autism as “an intellectual disability,” it speak over people with ID. it decenter people with ID from their own word / experience / space.
people insulting & mistreating you as autistic person without ID by confuse you with or compare you to people with intellectual disability cry, are saying you “just as bad”, n not mean you affected in same way as people with intellectual disability.
things targeting people with intellectual disability target people with intellectual disability first. they be most affected.
you can (& should) advocate for group of people you not without claim to be one of them. but most of time when people do this, they not even advocating.
autistic people without ID (and people without ID in general) need stop derailing things about people with intellectual disability.
actually I think you should be normal about ordinary citizens of authoritarian countries and yes that applies even to that country you're thinking of right now
A couple of years ago we were all terribly concerned about the fact that a lot of American high schools are assigning such crushing homework loads that some kids literally don't have enough time to eat or sleep (and all this in spite of the fact that there's no good evidence that assigning homework actually improves academic outcomes at the pre-university level), but now we're hearing stories about those same schools struggling to stop kids from using ChatGPT to write their essays and suddenly It's The Children Who Are Wrong. Like, do you think maybe there's a certain level of cause and effect in play here?
"Okay, but what if both are bad" see, I don't think any framing that implicitly puts the school administration that thinks it's reasonable to assign thirty hours of homework per week and the student who has to choose between writing an essay the old-fashioned way and getting more than two hours of sleep tonight on equal ethical footing is productive.
i do think the negative interpretations of "im probably nonbinary but i have a job right now" are kind of reaching. it's obviously a waste of time to theorize the op's intended meaning, so instead i think it's better to recognize how the phrase can be a useful framing device to criticize how much of a fucking hassle it is to get gendered correctly. "but i have a job" e.g. will face discrimination that could threaten livelihood; e.g. don't have the mental bandwidth to explain gender to others; e.g. don't have the time and energy for the soul-searching necessary to confirm. all three of these are labor issues. yes you could interpret it as "but being nonbinary isn't important enough to worry about", despite that being a blatantly bad-faith read. it's more useful to interpret it as "but being publicly nonbinary requires a lot of social effort that, in many cultural contexts, will create more problems that you can't afford to deal with". like cmon it's a really good jumping off point for productive conversations about queer labor rights
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mimzy would love a gentlemanly 20s butch girl boyfriend who spoils her with gifts but unfortunately the only gentlemanly 20s butch she knows who didn't go to heaven upon their death is extremely apothirose. Sad!
Body Horror: Things that cannot happen in real life.
EX: The Thing, stomach mouths, eyes on hands, etc
Gore: Fresh injuries, often severe.
EX: Severed leg, gutspill, deep gashes, etc
NEITHER: Healed injuries and burns, congenital differences, missing appendages, etc. If I could theoretically go to the store and see that character browsing the isles- It isn't body horror or gore. That's just a person.
*AND the amount of people that tag, not just fictional characters, but real human beings as body horror is staggering. Its not solely a fandom issue, ableism and bigotry against anyone that looks sufficiently "different" is prevalent in real life and has devastating consequences.
Burn scars are not body horror, that includes chemical burn scars.
Prosthetics are not body horror.
NOT having prosthetics is also not body horror.
There is no disability aid that is body horror.
Congenital differences + disabilities are not body horror.
AND acquired differences + disabilities are also not body horror.
Real people are not body horror.
If you are uncomfortable or scared because someone looks different than you that is YOUR PROBLEM. It is your responsibility to get over it, or at the very least not make it everyone else's issue. Play the quiet game.
Fuuuck I just loss 20000 dollars in adverisement revenue and potential sales when that guy over there didn’t look at my flyer because he was talking to the girl he was walking with. The sensible option here is to ban talking while walking since it’s literally theft.
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You should also be able to figure out what a text is saying without understanding every word. 90% of the time you'll do just fine even if a word is unfamiliar. You should be able to understand the meaning of a word through context, or at least the meaning of the sentence or paragraph. There are some rare instances where the specific word is crucial, but most of the time it's not necessary to understand the text.
This is a skill you are taught in foreign language classes btw. When you get to a certain level, they give you texts with words you probably don't know yet, and you have to summarise the text without looking any of them up. It really helps with your literacy skills. I can really recommend picking up some books with unfamiliar vocabulary and trying to understand it without looking up words
