About life.

So when I started this account it was because I was fed up of feeling like I could never quite “fit in”. Over time, I developed other sides of myself to help me survive in this world, in a way. 

Society seems to be very much about ESTJs (performance, popularity, etc.) So people who are the opposite type (INFPs) can have a hard time navigating their everyday life. We do need to learn and adapt a lot. I know in my case, if I didn’t make any effort to get out of my comfort zone, I’d probably be staying in my house forever and not talk to anyone by fear of getting hurt or disappointed. 

So, we do have to work on ourselves and try to develop our weaker functions, to become more balanced individuals. (It’s true for all types, actually).

There is something I do want to enforce though: Please never lose yourself.

It’s great to adapt and be able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes (INFPs are actually very good at doing that), but we must be very careful to not loose touch with ourself.

I am an INFP working in marketing. It’s a job that’s creative (satisfies me) but also very much superficial (bothers me). I have been doing this for years now and recently I have been feeling very down. I could not quite tell why. So I started searching for answers for my depressed feelings. And I found something quite interesting:

Depression and anxiety can be linked to the fact that one feels dissonance between their values and their life.

There are of course many factors that come into depression and anxiety, but something important to remember, is that you cannot live life ignoring your core values for too long, or you will go down.

This is so important, specially for dreamers and idealist types. You should take actions and make decisions that are aligned with your deeper values. Sometimes you don’t have a choice, you need the job, you need the money etc. But try to keep some moments, some hobbies, just for you.

Don’t lose yourself. Be kind with yourself. 

I: Idealist

N: Nocturnal

F: Fragile

P: Poetic

This is a tip that will save you a lot of useless stress and feel better in general.

When something happens and you don’t feel it’s right, instead of worrying, take action, clarify the situation.

It seems so simple, but it took me years to start doing this.

I used to stress over possible outcomes and personal interpretations of situations. Now I take action.

Example:

Your boss comes to see you and says a weird comment about your work.

Instead of worrying about what he just said, go back to him and ask him if he can clarify what he meant by that.

Don’t stay there and worry, don’t waste your time imagining the worst. Instead, clarify the situation.

I used to wait until I had the answers. Now I go looking for the answers. 

Sometimes you don’t get it until you experience it. People will give you all kinds of advices, but you truly need to see for yourself, for it to have it’s full effect.

For example:

I know that 

***more than half the time, the things we stress for don’t even happen***, 

but how do I apply that thinking in my life, and truly stop stressing by anticipation all the time? Well, the solution is to experience that idea. So, every time I get anxious with things that may or may not happen, I get more conscious about that. I notice my anxious feelings, I make it clear what I am afraid of, and then, when it does not happen (99% of the time), I make sure to notice again, how what I was so worried about did not happen. This way I am truly training my brain, with experience, to apply that thinking. With time, I will get better at keeping calm and stop wasting energy on useless destructive thoughts.

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Another example that I’m starting to work on is that thing people always say when someone is mean to me: 

***It’s not about you, it’s about them.***

It’s so simple, but you have to remember:

If you do things to please others

You will get hurt when it doesn’t get the response you wish for

If you do things for yourself

Then it won’t matter if others like it or not

Because you will be doing what makes YOU happy.

As an INFP, it’s easy to dream your life away. We come up with goals and ideas easily, but we have a hard time actually doing the things needed to reach those goals and execute those ideas. 

We are, unfortunately, not natural planners. We also give up easily because we are easily lured away by the next shiny new ideas.

I know being organized and structured is hard for me, it takes me a lot of effort, as I would rather just try random things and go with the flow, drifting aimlessly.

What I found is the best way to find motivation as INFPs is to have a clear end goal.

We are very motivated in the reason behind actions. Sometimes more than the actions themselves.

So if you want to change something: You have to define truly what your goal is, and keep that in mind, all the way. Also, it has to be something very meaningful to you. This goal has to be aligned with your deeper values.

When I decided I wanted to be free from a toxic work environment that was affecting my mental health, and work as a freelancer to achieve a healthier lifestyle and healthier business relationships, I kept that in mind. 

Suddenly, making schedules and sticking to them, managing finances and spreadsheets, paperwork (my worst nightmare) did not seem that hard to do. In fact, the second I reminded myself of the reasons why I was doing this, I found energy in me, courage, focus. 

It’s Friday evening. I am at my friend’s Steph’s place. Everybody is here. Simon, Jessie, Olivia... About 8 people. It’s a cozy get together. Nothing too extravagant. We are sitting at the table and eating delicious Indian food. There’s music playing, people are chatting. Relaxed, cheerful. 

Everything is fine. 

So why is it, that once I get back home at the end of the night, my whole neck is strained, my shoulders feel extremely tense, my nails destroyed.

Moments like this should be fun, but they feel so, stressful.

I talked about this to my therapist.

“Why? If it should be a simple, fun evening, why do I catch myself picking on my cuticles, grinding my teeth...”

She asked me to notice what are my thoughts, when I catch myself having anxious behaviour.

The first thing my brain seems to do, when I am around someone, is to assume that I know what they think of me. 

When I have a conversation with someone, I analyse everything they say, and do. Their body language, the tone of their voice...

( Being hyper aware all of the time is freakin’ exhausting!! )

And then my brain tells me:

“Wow, Simon clearly looked away when you were telling him this story. He doesn’t care at all about what you have to say, does he?”

“Heh, Jessie and Olivia seem to have a lot of fun together, they laugh so much when they sit next to each other, not as much when you are with them. They must not enjoy your company as much.”

But why do we assume we know what other people think?

We don’t know what other people think.

If you tend to have the same thoughts please repeat this until you believe it:

- I cannot read minds. 

- I am not in their heads. 

- I don’t know what other people think

It took me a while, I tried to argue with my therapist:

“But....he looked away when I talked to him. CLEARLY he thought I was boring? I DID know what he was thinking at that moment for sure?”

If Simon looks away, there could be a million reasons why. A million reasons that have nothing to do with you.

Maybe he saw something going on outside.

Maybe he has something going on in his personal life and is distracted because of that.

Maybe he ALWAYS looks away when he talks to people but you only notice when it happens to you.

Maybe the subject of conversation reminds him of something else that you don’t know about.

Stop assuming what other people think of you.

As long as you are kind and open, you don’t have anything to worry about.

Don’t place the whole responsibility of a conversation on your shoulders.

It’s not only you. It’s so many other things, 

Dear INFP, 

You should watch this video if you ever doubt yourself.

If you are an INFP, you are certainly very accepting of others. You don’t judge other people’s opinions, because you believe in individuality. You believe in each person having their own view on life, choosing their own path. You are also very careful in judging someone you don’t really know. You do not jump to conclusions and you are able to give benefit of the doubt.

Because you are so open minded and accepting, you might not realize that not everyone is that way. In fact, sometimes you will get judged by others without having a chance to let them know who you really are. And that’s the hard part. 

Here is an example:

I used to not care too much about my looks and style. In my opinion, it did not matter and what mattered is what thoughts I could bring to a conversation and my inner self. What I did not realize, is that most people will inevitably judge the outside appearance before getting to know you. 

I would, for example, wear a very old shirt that made me look not serious or mature, and expect people to go past that and listen to what I would say. 

Because that’s what I would do.

Unfortunately, most people will assume who you are based on first impressions, especially sensors and thinkers.  

So even though I personally don’t care what people look like and the way they dress, and never make an opinion on someone before I know them a lot more, it’s simply not the case for everyone. And while I can ignore that fact and keep wearing whatever I want to, I also have to admit that the way I dress does affect the response I get from others.

Remember that people can’t see through you. Not everyone follows their instinct, some people will go with what they see and won’t bother to dig further.

When I was younger I thought the secret to not being bullied was to fit in.

I would step on my own convictions and follow the lead to the point where I did not even have my own personality. 

I was just so scared of judgment, and rejection.

The second mistake I did when faced with bullies, was to use self-depreciation to calm them down. I would not defend myself. Instead, I let them step all over me and helped them by talking myself down, too. It did seem to help compared to people who tried to stand up for themselves, as I would avoid a fight. But in the process I was also harming my self-esteem.

What I realized over time, was that the only way to avoid bullying, is to know who you are, and embrace it. 

You enjoy playing chess? Own it. Become the best at it. Find people who like it too. 

You dislike sports? Don’t fake it. Find other activities you enjoy. Express your dislike with respect.

Above all, don’t become someone you are not just to fit in. 

Know who you are. 

Accept who you are. 

Love yourself.

Respect yourself.

Often times in life we think,

“ I will feel good once I get - insert wish here -. ”

Until we get what we want, we don’t enjoy life fully, we hold up on being ourselves...

In my case, a lot of my low self-esteem came from my appearance.

I always have been hard on myself on many things, and my appearance was one of these things.

Wishing on something I did not have, -looks-, held me back me on so many levels.

One time I tried an exercise and asked myself:

What exactly would be different if I had -looks-.

and most importantly:

If there anything from those things I could start now, without having -looks. ?

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It may seem silly, but it can truly give you a new perspective on your life.

Ok, fine, you want something. But why wait to experience that confidence?

In some cases it can be unattainable objectives, but still, you should try to just imagine you have everything you want.

Just to see, if the solution could be found even before getting what you want.

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In my case, when I tried to live a day in the idea of having exactly the physique I wished for, I noticed a couple of interesting things:

-I was more relaxed, calm and less nervous.

-I walked around at a slower pace and took better care of my posture.

-I wore things I liked, without worrying about my appearance.

-I enjoyed social interactions more, and really took part in conversations without thinking so much about what I looked like at that moment. I was more present.

(Just to be clear, it’s really like role playing yourself into the person you wish to be or look like. Get past the silly-ness of this idea and really try to imagine you have exactly what you want, for a day)

Focus on the present moment.

It’s not so easy to do, especially for dreamers. We have a tendency to live in the “future”. For example even if we are at home, on a weekend, with nothing to do but relaxing, we might still feel stressed thinking about an exam coming up soon, a meeting in 2 days, or tasks you have to do next week.

Another thing INFPs are good at, is creating scenarios. For example, if we have an interview tomorrow, instead of taking today’s time to relax and spend good time with friends or chill alone at home, we will keep thinking about all the possibilities. The good and the bad. 

Being imaginative, and thinking about possibilities is very useful in certain situations. Like when creating something, or finding solutions. 

It becomes a burden when we spend too much time in the future, in anxiety, instead of focusing on the present moment. 

If your interview is tomorrow, then today you can relax. You cannot predict the future. 

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The thing is, while we get lost in our thoughts about the future, we miss out on what is happening right now. Also, giving so much importance about things coming up makes things seem harder and more complex that they really are. 

If you think about all the things you have to get done, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by them. If you think about how you have to clean up your room, and then you focus on that and start thinking about alllll the steps to have a clean room, the tasks appears even bigger, the anxiety associated to it multiplies. 

You need to go back to the present moment and take one step at the time. 

Harrison FunAnxiety is different for everyone. In my case, I spent my whole life wearing the most plain clothes to avoid getting attention. The thing is, I actually loved it when I saw someone wearing extravagant outfits, but I had a hard time wearing what I loved, because I was so scared of other people’s judgments.

When you think about it, it’s absurd. It really, truly does not matter if others like or dislike your style. It should be about wearing what makes you happy, as long as you don’t hurt anyone. 

But it’s not always that easy.

One day I thought I would tame this fear, and make a little step towards my style liberation. 

In my wardrobe is a cap I bought a long time ago. Its black with fuzzy hair on it. It’s really not that attention grabbing, but when I wear it in public, I automatically feel like everyone is looking at me. I feel ridiculous, and obnoxious. ( I know it’s just a cap, but to me it’s the end of the world )

What it looks like:

What it feels like:

But the truth is, the only way to get past this anxious feeling, is by just going for it, and teaching your mind, that fear is pointless because nothing bad happens when you do.

Here is how it goes:

Start small, and focus on what you think and not others.

Most of the time, nothing will happen. It’s going to be alright.

Slowly, you are building confidence.

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The more often you put yourself in situations that make you irrationally anxious, the more confident, calm, you will become.

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But in very rare occasions this can happen.

Someone questioning. Bringing back your previous fears of judgment.

Here is the key: You don’t need to justify yourself. 

If you want to do or say something, and you know it’s not anything bad or wrong, then you don’t need the approval of others.

So, really, you can just say this:

You don’t even need to say anything more than that. 

You can say “why not?” or “you don’t?” or just shrug and go away. It does not matter at all. Don’t make a big deal out of it and other people won’t either.

It’s pretty liberating to remind yourself you really never have to give reasons at all. 

Try to teach your mind there’s nothing to be afraid of, as often as possible.

Focus on you and what you like, what you think is right. That’s all that matters.

Them: “You never gain any weight even though you eat tons of sugar, what’s your secret?”

I was talking with a friend of mine who just started learning hypnotherapy.

I told him my mother actually stopped smoking with hypnotherapy, and what they did is told her instead of having a cigarette, she would feel like having a glass of water. The next day she did not smoke, and not ever again. Amazing.

He was not surprised. He said that is basic practice: you switch a habit for another. What he explained then, was that the thoughts and habits we have, are like paths in our brain. We get used to think something, or do something, and it becomes a very well traced path in ou brain. In order to change a way of thought or doing, we need to teach our brain to take a new path. 

If we let the brain roll, it will go directly to the usual ways its used to think and do.

We tend to forget that we are not stuck. We can learn to be more productive, less anxious, more active, more social, anything. We just need to try new paths, and keep taking the new paths until they become new habits.

We don’t need hypnosis for that, we just need to remember not everything we believe is truth, and there are tons of space for change and improvement.

It’s easy to get stuck in a circle, when you don’t feel like doing anything and the less you do, the less you feel like doing.

Try to start one thing today.

Maybe you are thinking about writing a book, learning something new, or maybe it’s something you have to do but that you don’t look forward to, like a homework, cleaning the studio, anything.

Just start. One little step. Don’t aim for a full chapter by the end of the day. Just say you’ll write a line or two, lay out some ideas. Little steps. Promise yourself you will do only that little step at least. Then do it. Don’t beat yourself up if that’s all you’ll do today, it’s fine, you started something.

But as energy brings energy, chances are you will feel more motivated only by starting, and you might do more than you thought.

Every time you feel low in energy, go back to this: do one thing.

Not the whole cleanup of the house but simply sorting the papers on the desk.

Not a full workout but maybe just stretch.

Here is something I try to work on everyday, every year:

Try not to judge people.

What I mean is when you bring someone down, for example you see a stranger on the street and they are wearing sloppy clothes, and you think “oh god look at this person, what a mess, that’s awful, blablabla..” you are hurting yourself in the process. Nothing good comes out of that.

Actually, the judgments we make very often reflect our own insecurities. 

I am very embarrassed to admit it, but I back when I was a little younger, I judged people on looks a lot. I would see a very extroverted, confident girl for example, and think: woah, who does she think she is talking like that she is not even pretty, that’s annoying.

When I look back on this, I was directly talking to myself and telling myself “people who didn’t look like movie stars should not be happy and expressive and comfortable in their own skin, they should be ashamed.”

See how destructive this can be?

In the mean time, I also felt bad about myself and not confident, not good looking enough and so I was very low-profiled, timid.

It’s like I was trying to bring other people down because I didn’t feel worthy enough myself.

You don’t become a better person by putting other people down, you don’t become a more positive person, you don’t grow and evolve, you don’t become happy and fulfilled this way.

Pay attention next time you pass judgment on someone or something. Ask yourself: where does that thought come from? Is that true? Is that useful? 

Be kinder with other people and you will also learn to be kinder with yourself.