the summer my papa killed himself. the family reunion where i spent most of the time drunk. telling my family that i couldn’t hate him for it because i understood. my friend telling me to stop treating myself like a ticking timebomb and in the same breath comparing me to their abuser. walking through that neighborhood of cookie cutter houses surrounded by torn down forests. the emptiness that never left my nana’s eyes after finding him. hearing about having to scrub the garage floor. being the bearer of everyone’s pain. crying alone in my room drunk. feeling the rage behind every word. wanting to leave to escape that pain, but returning to worse.

i think i have reached my breaking point. people i never wanted to find out about my trauma have now found out. my parents are too self absorbed to care about how this all impacts me. my mom has done irreversible damage to our relationship and i have decided that it is on her to actually solve this. i’m just gonna pretend my birthday isn’t happening bc i’m tired of how much it sucks every year!!! :) i’m so done with everything

i’m in a dbt group. at first i was nervous because i felt so vulnerable having strangers see me in this context. but it really opened my eyes to how i am not struggling alone. the group is a mix of different ages, races and genders. all of these people with different life experiences and at different stages in their life. but here we were, together, sharing in the joy that we made it through another week. i will probably never see these people again, but i will never forget the role they have played in my recovery.

i thought for a long time that my abusers had taken something from me. like the pain and horrible shit they inflicted stole these parts of me i couldn’t get back. but i’ve been realizing that just isn’t true. they couldn’t take me away from me. those things will always be part of me, even if, at times, they’re harder for me to reach. my passions. my personality. my trust. my safety. they’re mine. but they aren’t something you can touch. they aren’t something someone can just take. i hid those parts of myself because the trauma made it too hard to reach. but in order to heal, i need to exist. i’m letting myself be me, unapologetically. i want to love my interests, my friends, my family and myself. i won’t continue to let those people control and hurt me. so yeah. jusr some thoughts i had while healing. maybe it’ll help someone else too.

time is so warped now. i barely sleep but i’m tired all the time. it feels like months have passed and it’s barely been three weeks. i disassociate near constantly. i don’t feel real. nothing does. it’s all sort of hitting me. i feel like everything around me is standing still.

i thought i had no interests or personality. turns out that was not true and had more to do about the people i surrounded myself with. having friends and a partner who embrace and enjoy sharing in my interests has been incredibly healing.

felt guilty i was taking up too much time on the suicide hotline so i told her i was feeling better and i feel like that is the most accurate representation of suffering for the sake of others