Actual Garbage

Stacy's Mom, by Fountains of Wayne 👨

Uncle Tom, by Mountains of Pain 🐙

Lady Madonna, by The Beatles 👨

Baby Lasagna, by The BLs 🐙

Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple 👨

Cum in the Gutter, by Peed El Prup 🐙

Birdhouse in Your Soul, by They Might Be Giants 👨

Turdmouse in Your Bowl, by That One Giant and His Medium-Sized Friend 🐙

I think the similarities speak for themselves.

Nematodes are the apex species. Or 'phylum'. Or whatever. Something like 1,000,000 closely related species in there. Still, nematodes are heccin' BOSS and humans don't even come close to their level of dominance. Lemme elucidate you.

Them little wormybois are 80% of all animals. EIGHTY. PERCENT. There are approximately 60,000,000,000 nematodes for every human. That includes you. There are sixty billion nematodes with your name on 'em. They've won the numbers game so hard there isn't even a runner-up.

And humans think they're sooooo special because they live all over the place? Here's a short list of places nematodes are known to live:

The ocean floor

Deserts

Rainforests

Tundra

Mountaintops

Mineshafts

Sperm whale placentas

Humans

Basically everywhere else that has dirt or a pulse

A nematode was the sole survivor of the Space Shuttle Columbia in 2003. Twenty years later, another one woke up from a 46,000 year nap in permafrost.

I have seen the face of God. We were not made in His image. They were.

What kind of a WANKER goes and DIES in a battle they supposedly WON??? And he joined the NAVY even though he got SEASICK?? Was he some sort of PERV?? Was he HORNY FOR BOATS??

Like, we used to make our own pigments by hand and draw rad bears and stuff on walls, then some dorks came along with their "colour theory" and "perspective" and garbage like that. These days you have kids out there drawing pics of their OCs without even a thought for how it might please the God of The Hunt or instill primal terror of the wilds under flickering torchlight.

Fred is a paladin, but doesn't even know he has an oath. He's just a dumb-dumb goodboi and we love him for it.

Daphne is a bard, but like a college of swords kinda bard. She really wants to multiclass into warlock but Fred keeps eating all the idols to forgotten gods.

Velma is a wizard and she specializes in divination. Her glasses are her magical focus, and she has the Magic Initiate feat allowing her to cast Guidance and Goodberry (aka Scooby Snacks).

Shaggy is a ranger and Scoob is his pact animal. His favoured enemy is Sandwich and his favoured terrain is "Far Out". Super unoptimized, but he rolled godlike stats so it works out.

Scrappy Doo is a Barbarian-Rogue-Monk multiclass with the tavern brawler feat. His reckless unarmed attacks straight to the chin apply sneak attack damage and segue into a flurry of blows. He is incredibly based and chad-pilled.