im scared of myself sometimes

shocking how someone can go from being a place you go to for comfort, to a place you resent, for the extreme lack of understanding, its like we’re speaking 2 different languages. am i this too hard to understand or are they now just incompetent. or maybe they just don’t care enough anymore. but don’t worry, ill care less.

im writing again, i dont know if i should be happy that i am or disappointed. because i only write when im at the lowest. and i havent been there for a long time. i guess it always ends up creeping back up.

you never truly heal, you pretend, your mind tricks you into “accepting” your size, or looks, because it knows u cant stay starving for so long, so ull eat, you wont care for a while, ull strat talking about body positivity and all of that fucking bullshit. then one day u wake up, it’ll either be a comment from someone or u just looking at urself in the mirror or old pics from those days and the realisation hits again, ur not confident, u don’t love urself. u wanna purge all that uve eaten, u wanna cut ur fucking skin off. and there u go again; the self hatred, the unhealthy eating habits but hopefully this time round i stick by it and my body doesn't give up on me 

im back, im fat i fucking hate myself i wanna cut my skin off

mania feels so fucking real, im dancing, im jumping around, im singing and im annoying everyone. it goes on for hours. i feel dizzy and tired and nauseous but im still at that high. then all of a sudden my face falls and i cant utter a world. i turn off the music. the feeling of defeating the world and the feeling of motivation and success are very far gone. feels all fake now. im only left with no energy. a very low outlook on life. and i can no longer utter a single word.

im so goddamn tired

im gonna have the smallest hips, the flattest stomach, the skinniest thighs and a smaller face. im gonna stop eating, im gonna stop fucking eating

im gonna show everyone how im gonna be a fucking stick. give me 2 months

its always the small things that trigger my mental health getting so bad again. such small things that if you heard them youd think im mad. i fucking hate how it is