A Band Dreamer

I was abused in Overwatch again.

Abused by people who think nothing of blaming and shouting at others. Whatever the reason, it’s not right. It’s hurtful.

I tell myself not to mind. They’re just strangers. They are thoughtless. Maybe they have their own issues. Maybe they’re kids.

I can’t really blame them. It’s pointless to. But I feel sick and depressed because of all the negativity and unfairness.

Perhaps Overwatch isn’t for me. Perhaps multiplayer competitive gaming as it is, isn’t for me.

Let me try to abstain from Overwatch again, for the 2nd time this year.

I have an exploratory game about flying as a bird shaman that I should try to get to finishing. It’s called AER.

It’s a feeling I’ve had fleeting moments of, but never as acute as it did today.

I first had this feeling during the first semester of my university days. I hadn’t joined the appropriate faculty orientation camp (by mistake), so going into school I knew no one, while others had already formed cliques.

There were about a hundred people majoring in the same course, so we had a large lecture hall. I would find an empty corner to sit, so I wouldn’t feel awkward getting in the way of large groups, and to avoid drawing attention to my loneliness.

It was tough. There wasn’t much help I could rely on. No one to discuss problems, clarify things. No plans after lessons, no shared lunches in the canteen. Whenever lecturers announced a group project or group discussions, panic seized me as I prayed for open invitations or maybe a stacker group.

Life was sparse, perhaps embarrassingly so: Come for lessons, find a quiet spot between intervals, head straight home after classes.

This week I had a learning camp of sorts. It wasn’t my first time attending, but everyone I knew from pass sessions weren’t present - I was the only one of my cohort that was present at the camp. Existing cliques had formed, with their own messaging helplines, inside jokes, and camaraderie. It was tough.

Perhaps it got to me because I knew what was the right thing to do - to socialise. But aversion to initiating contact, not knowing if they were in the same camp group as me, made me afraid. Knowingly not doing what I knew to be the right thing - it was shameful and embarrassing.

One solution is to accept that’s what I was, shy and withdrawn. But I knew that’s not entirely true - I open up to trusted people or during topics I really click with. I also knew that if I truly accepted being withdrawn, then there would be no room for growth, and I couldn’t accept that.

So I didn’t have the courage to initiate contact, didn’t want to give up entirely, and also knew I could possibly do either if I truly wanted to.

It’s complicated. The best I can do for myself right now, is to monologue about it. Monologuing isn’t something I’ve done in a long while, but at least I can afford myself this.

Once I definitively know which camp group I belong to (we will be assigned groups come early winter for a camp trip), I would definitely be able to initiate contact. Because I would know those are the guys I would interact with during the trip, and likewise they would know who I was and why they would have a need to interact with me.

Evernote (EN) was great.

I'd used it since 2010 when I was in University. A good friend recommended it to me.

At some point, I started paying for the service. It was about $3 a month, I think.

After half a decade, I took a hiatus to try out Google Keep. I survived for a year, because I initially didn't have much note taking requirements. But plain-text is messy. And my ideas and notes became more complex and needed some structure to sort it out.

Notesnook doesn't support cloud backups, and local backups have to be manually saved and kept safe.

Without it, your notes become prone to software bugs, data corruption, and ultimately, data loss.

I'm trying to learn the guitar, and also music in general.

But there's so much to learn, its overwhelming! I feel like I'm making no progress; I don't know how I can build a path to reach my goal; I don't know if my practice is useful or efficient or relevant.

However, I've thought things through now. I don't have to feel so depressed.

—

Drawing can be therapeutic if you do get “in the zone”. I did when I was drawing this piece.

But it’s hard to get in the zone. And time consuming. It’s just so much easier to play your favourite song on the guitar - 10 mins tops - and you’ll feel refreshed, energised, and relaxed already.

I feel stressed today. Of late. Idk.

I think partly is I'm overwhelmed by things to do. Some of these things are related to my "identity" and activities I gotta do to maintain my "identity".

Like, if you're a Bleach fan, you owe it to yourself to watch the latest Bleach episodes after a 10-year hiatus, no?

I am passionate about Software Development. But it's hurting my work and my life.

Wouldn't that be great? To share nice videos with each other.

Wow a new Blog, a new Post!

I just thought journaling is a good way to make my thoughts coherent. All I've done the past 2 years was to jot To-Do Lists, and honestly, I don't think it's helped me define my self and look back at my journey.

But I have not looked back at my journey (i.e., past blogs) for the past 15 odd years, so... Lol! Ah well. It is for the introspective benefit of my short-term self in the immediate week/month.

A lot has certainly changed since then. New married life, new music hobbies, new game interests, new work pressures. I guess I'll be writing about that here!

PS: I still chose Tumblr instead of WordPress, Blogspot. Because Tumblr - I like this community's creative energy and passion. It has DeviantArt, Pixiv vibes! And I am an ex-dA community member.