amala is writing✨

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You should’ve expected Yoongi not to be there on Friday night, when you begrudgingly got to work. But you didn’t foresee it still, and it stung like nothing else ever did before. You realized it was truly over, and that you had hurt him so much that he couldn’t even face you for the time being.

You ignored your friends’ questions and concerns all throughout the night, though they managed to bring warmth to your frozen, weeping heart.

Seokjin ended up taking his place at the bar, and honestly, he somehow managed to make you laugh a little despite your state of mind, considering how fucking hilarious it was to see him struggling to keep up with the influx of orders. 

At some point, a random guy tried to flirt with you, and though normally you would brush it off and simply go on with your tasks, this time you almost lashed out at him. Because how dare he try and take Yoongi’s place? 

It’s absolutely dramatic and the guy probably would’ve hoped, at best, to land a good lay at the end of the night.

But you’ve always had a flair for the dramatic.

You got home that night and cried yourself to sleep, because the whirlwind of emotions you’ve had to deal with for the past few days now is just too much for you to handle. 

It’s too intense, overwhelming, too raw and it keeps on opening up old scars that you never thought would be at the elements’ mercy again.

It’s all your fault. 

You woke up the next morning feeling like you had drunk a forty ounce bottle of whiskey the night before. 

Except you didn’t, and you really fucking need to stop crying yourself to sleep.

You tiredly got up and made yourself coffee, drinking half of it before throwing the rest down the drain. You took a shower, put on a simple black dress paired with two wings of eyeliner, mascara and concealer to hide the growing bags under your eyes.

It took everything in you not to just call in sick and lay in bed rewatching ‘P.S. I Love You’, just to see somebody suffer more than you do.

So you grabbed your keys, inhaled deeply and locked the door to your apartment, unprepared for a night of suffering.

Which brings you to this exact moment, both legs wobbling as you stand a few blocks away from your workplace, a tight knot in your throat.

Surely Yoongi couldn’t have missed both nights, right? 

Wrong.

How wrong you were. 

Your heart drops to your stomach as soon as you walk in and up the stairs, noticing Samantha’s dark head of hair awaiting you behind the bar counter. 

“Hey! You ready for tonight?” She inquires, a wide smile stretching her plump lips. 

“Um- yeah,” You clear your throat as you make your way behind the bar, “Is Yoongi not coming in tonight?” 

The look on her face is enough to let you know she knows what’s been happening. “No.. he’s sick.”

Sick. Yeah.

“We’ll have fun though, don’t worry! It’s been ages since I’ve worked the Saturday night shift!”

“Yeah, I’m excited for us to work a busy shift together,” You try your best to seem at least a little enthusiastic. “Though, just a warning, I’m not drinking tonight.” 

She laughs lightly at this. “No worries, me neither, I drank enough for three people last night.” 

“Was it your birthday and I spaced out or something?” 

“Ahhh no, don’t worry, my birthday’s in June.” She starts, fiddling nervously with her thumbs. 

“Actually, I kinda met someone two weeks ago and we’ve been hitting it off like crazy.. we might have gone overboard last night.” She giggles sheepishly.

“Oh!” You clap your hands excitedly. Finally, some good news. “And who could that gentleman be?”

You notice a wild blush taking over her cheeks.

“Actually.. her name’s Lisa.” 

“Do I know her?” You ask excitedly.

Sam shakes her head no. “Well.. actually maybe. She’s been here a few times, though that’s not how I’ve met her. Weird coincidence uh?” 

“Damn, that’s wild! Well, if you ever feel like bringing her over to one of our gatherings, I’d be so happy to officially meet her!”

Before you know it, you’re wrapped up in a warm embrace. “Once we know what’s what, I will for sure. Thanks babe.” 

You both part after a few seconds, a wide smile stretching your lips, the gesture enough to make you forget your worries for a few moments.

“Of course, you deserve all the happiness in the world Sammy.” You take her hand in yours, overcome by emotions.

You don’t exactly know why you’re so happy about this, you just are. 

Sam gives your hand a light squeeze. “So do you. You know that, right?” 

You gaze at the ground, unsure what to reply. Because you don’t deserve all the happiness in the world, not like Samantha does.

“Babe..” 

A loud cheer startles the both of you,

“Oh hell yeah! We have Sammy on the floor tonight!”

Sam smiles gently at the young man. “Kookie, can you give us a moment, please? There’s a few kegs you can swap in the fridge.” 

Jungkook looks confused for a moment, before realization dawns on him and he finally reads the room, his jovial expression morphing into one of utmost seriousness.

“Yeah ok.. If you need me I’ll be next to the cucumbers, freezing my ass off.” 

And just like that he leaves the both of you alone, a serious atmosphere immediately settling over the room.

Samantha tucks a lock of stray hair behind your ear before speaking again,

“Look.. I know what happened. Yoongi told me. Actually, he called me at four in the morning, crying about how he messed up the best thing he could’ve ever had.”

Your heart aches at her words, you feel the sharp sting of tears behind your eyes, threatening to spill endlessly over the makeup you had carefully put on. 

“Not saying that didn’t slightly bruise my ego, but, I kinda got the gist of it all.” She sighs. “Thing is, I’ve never seen Yoongi this fucking enamored with anyone, not even me, no matter how much that sucks for me to admit.” 

Your bottom lip wobbles and you capture it between your teeth. “Which is exactly why this couldn’t work, Sam.” Your voice breaks mid sentence and you take a deep breath before continuing. “’I’m not good for him, I can’t give him back all that he gives me. How is that fair to him?” 

She stares you down, bewilderment swimming in her eyes. “What are you even talking about? Have you not seen how happy he’s been? And if you didn’t, then believe me at least.” 

She brings a hand up to your hair, stroking delicately as you desperately try to keep your tears at bay.

“You may have misheard him, expected the worse from him. And you know what? I don’t blame you, neither does he. He’s not exactly an angel, you know. And he does have trouble communicating at times, which is why it’s not that surprising that you came to the conclusion that he just didn’t care.”

A single teardrop escapes your right eye. “But what does that say about us, if I don’t trust him?”

“It means that you guys have to work on your communication skills.” She chuckles, swiping a thumb under your eyes to get rid of the tear that had slipped. 

“It also means that you’re both human and have issues, like we all do. Doesn’t make you unworthy of each other. You just have to work hard to make it work. You have to really want it.”

She pauses for a brief moment, gazing straight into your eyes. “Do you?”

You sniffle as more tears stream down your face, your insecurities now unleashed for all to see. 

“I do..” 

Samantha cups your face, shaking you up as she does so. “Then push through this, I know you can.” 

“But wha-“ 

“Ok I’m done freezing, can I come back now, please?” Jungkook asks in a tiny, high pitched tone.

You chuckle blaringly, drying your tear tracts with the palm of your hand. “Come here Kookie.”

The busboy steps behind the bar, an unsure look in his eyes. “I’m sorry it’s just- the cucumbers are boring and it’s cold in there, you know? And-“

You engulf the man in a tight hug, wrapping your arms around his tiny waist, your head now laying snuggly on his broad chest. You feel him deflate and he twines his strong arms around you, pecking softly at the top of your head as he does so. 

“I was worried about you..”

You nuzzle further into his secure embrace. “You know I love you, right?” 

You hear him chuckling, can imagine just fine the wide toothy grin on his face. “I know. And I love you too.”

Sam soon joins the both of you in what now becomes a sweaty hug. “Ok, enough.”

You all part, similar smiles etched upon your faces.

“This is all so melodramatic I kinda wanna throw up but also cry,” You laugh out, not used to having such emotional conversations. You don’t usually let your emotions come out this way, not in front of people at least. 

But those aren’t just people, they’re your people.

-

-

On Sunday, you spend the day crying over a diverse array of romantic movies, one after the other until your eyes are so puffy and your head is pounding so much that you have to stop and take a nap.

The nap becomes night and you wake up on Monday morning, oddly refreshed. 

Because you’ve cried so much you don’t think you can give more. And maybe that’s what you needed, to finally take a step in the right direction and confront your feelings.

What was it, exactly, that had made you pull away from Yoongi? It’s not the stupid assumptions you had made when you heard his conversation with Namjoon. It’s almost like somehow, in the back of your mind you had always known Yoongi would never talk about you that way. 

Which means that you do trust him, even if not fully yet. Trust is gained slowly, and you think Yoongi would show you everyday that he is trustworthy, if you'd let him.

If you’re being honest, the realization doesn’t make you feel better in the slightest. Because there's still something that’s been bugging you, keeping you from accepting him in your life.

And yeah, you definitely do not feel like you deserve him. But you could work with that. That’s not it. 

What is it then? 

You can’t pinpoint it and it makes you furious, that your own brain would sabotage you this way. What a fucking traitor. 

After a full morning of pacing around, paying bills and pacing around again, you decide that enough is enough. You need to talk to Yoongi, and now. He may be avoiding you, but you still know where he lives. 

You don’t really want to intrude on his personal time, but he’s really given you no other option. Because no, texting him is really not an option. It leaves too much room for interpretation and feels so impersonal you might as well talk to a wall and it would feel the same. 

So you put your hair in a messy bun, get dressed and march anxiously towards your car, not even bothering to put makeup on. He’s seen you without it a bunch of times anyway.

The drive to Yoongi’s place is nerve wracking to say the least. You drive slowly, too slowly. And when you park in front of the complex, you feel like you got here too fast.

“You can do this,” You murmur confidently to the reflection in the mirror, almost laughing in disbelief as you do so. Because this is pathetic, you’re a pathetic mess. And somehow, you can’t really bring yourself to care.

You lock your doors and head into the building, waiting for what seems like hours in front of the wooden door before you gather all the courage you can and knock fervently.

There’s nothing at first. No sound, no shuffling, the television is seemingly off, the only thing responding is a loud silence. It scares you to be quite honest. What if something had happened to him, and he’s been laying on the floor for days now?

You knock a lot louder, with newfound confidence. 

That’s when you hear the sound of a cat meowing shrilly, followed by heavy footsteps. Your heart races and you try to brace yourself for what’s coming.

“I don’t want whatever you’re selling, so please go.”

You almost snort out loud before the reality of the situation settles back in and you grow a lot more serious.

“Yoongi?” 

There’s only silence for a while and you almost think he’ll leave you there, in front of his apartment, sad and alone. But then the door opens and you freeze in place. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks in a croaky voice, coughing a little as he finishes his sentence. 

“You.. you’re actually sick.” 

Yoongi eyes you in disbelief. “Uh, yeah?”

“I— I thought you were avoiding me.”

Damn, you’re so stupid it’s not even embarrassing anymore, just very laughable. You’re a whole ass joke. You act like the whole world revolves around you, so much so that it hasn't crossed your mind that he may actually be sick, for real.

And he looks like he’s been suffering for days now. His hair is messy and his nose is so red he could give rudolf a run for his money. That’s without mentioning the dark circles under his eyes.

Even so, he still manages to look absolutely dashing. It’s really not fair.

“I’m not, I’ve just been barely able to get out of bed all week.” 

“Oh..” You start, very shy all of a sudden. “Can I come in?” 

Yoongi looks very confused but nods nonetheless. You dash past the door, only turning around when you hear the door shutting behind you. 

“Woah.. your place is a mess.” You mutter as you take in the apartment. It really could use a little cleaning. Maybe you could do that, yeah. That’s a good idea. You take your coat off and wash your hands.

Meanwhile, Yoongi stares at you in absolute confusion. “Well.. yeah.” He coughs in between words. “I haven’t been able to clean it up, really. I’ve just started feeling a little better.”

“That’s understandable. I can help, I have nothing to do today.” 

Cat settles at your feet, swishing its tail from left to right as the creature eyes you curiously. You bend down to pet it. 

“Hi you, I’ve missed you.” You coo.

“Um, if you don’t mind me asking.. what’s going on here?” 

You tense at his words, suddenly you don’t really know why you’ve come all the way here. 

“I mean, Sam said you were sick and I thought you didn’t um—“ You scratch your head, “..anyway, I wanted to come talk to you.”

“What about?”

You stay in a crouched position, gaze fixed on the floor tile of the small kitchen. “..I don’t know.” 

Yoongi’s feet enter your field of view and you shrink a little into yourself, refusing to meet his eyes. 

“If I remember correctly, you ended things a few days ago.. It’s not helping me get over it, you showing up here out of the blue.”

You nibble at your bottom lip to stop it from quivering. “I know I’m sorry.. I’ll go soon, right after I clean this place up a bit.”

You stand up again and avoid eye contact, focusing instead on the task at hand. First off, you need to put all of the dirty clothes in a laundry basket. You remember Yoongi has one in his bedroom and you head there.

When you come back into the living room, you start restlessly throwing items in the hamper basket, under Yoongi’s scrutiny.

“Love..” 

The pet name tears a small, pained whimper out of you. You sniffle, only to realize you’d been crying. 

“Shit..” 

Your movements soon become erratic as the mess in your mind grows exponentially, your breathing now shallow and ragged. 

“Stop this,” Yoongi gently grabs your fumbling hands. 

And you really don’t deserve his kindness. So you try to free yourself from his hold, to no avail. Which is exactly when you snap your gaze up to peer at him. 

He looks concerned, even sad. 

You smile through the tears now cascading freely over your cheeks. “It’s fine, I can help!”

“No, no. Stop, sit down, yeah? Let’s talk.” He tries to suppress a cough but you still notice it.

“No, you need to be resting, not talking.” You chortle humorlessly. “Got to bed, I’ll clean this place up.”

He groans and grabs your chin with one hand, forcing you to keep eye contact. “No one’s cleaning today, we’re talking, ok?”

“I don’t..” You start, unable to finish.

What don’t you, exactly? You don’t know what to say, what you want, what you’re doing here.

“What do you expect from me love? Because I want to know what’s going through that pretty head of yours but you won’t let me in.”

“Nothing.. you already give me more than I deserve.” You whisper, feeble. 

“What, because you’re scared you think you’re not enough for me or something?” He starts, an annoyed lilt to his tone. “I’m not perfect either, love. And I’m not saying you are. But this has gotta stop, this— this self flagellation. You deserve more and so do I.”

“I don’t know why I’m so scared..” You sob loudly, feeling very exposed all of a sudden. 

“There may be a hundred reasons why you’re scared. And that’s ok, I am too. It means we’ve got something good, worth keeping.” He draws a bit closer. 

“And I want to make this work, I really do. But you gotta work with me, love. You gotta stop running away from me..” Yoongi’s voice breaks and you notice that his eyes are glistening with unshed tears, tawing at your heartstrings like nothing else could. 

“I don’t want to run away, I want you..”

“Then consciously stop yourself from doing so when the need arises, and talk to me instead. Fuck, I’m just asking for you to tell me when things are bothering you. That’s all I want.”

“How do I do that?” You cling onto his wrists, afraid that if you let go he’ll disappear.

“You push past your doubts and just do, love.” He inhales slowly. “Like I’m doing right now.”

You tilt your head to the side, eyes wide open.

“You’re scared right now?”

“I’m fucking terrified.”

“Of what?”

Yoongi traps his bottom lip in between his teeth, looking to the side as he does so. “I’m scared you’ll run away again..”

It’s heartbreaking, how much hurt you’ve caused him. You don’t even know how to begin to gain his trust again. Funny how that works. 

“I’m sorry..” The tears now fall steadily from your damp eyes. 

And you had thought you were done crying. 

“I know. I’m also sorry.”

You want to ask him what he’s sorry about, but you don’t. He must have a reason to feel like he needs to, and if it helps him feel better, then you won’t question it.

Yoongi shakily cups one of your cheeks and you automatically lean into the touch. “What’s gonna happen now?” 

“That’s up to you, ball’s in your court. You know where I stand.” He hoarsely states.

You nod, knowing full well you now have a decision to make. And you better think about it well, because this is it. 

There’s no going back after this.

-

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After your frankly embarrassing, albeit eye-opening, outburst at Yoongi’s, you spend a lot of time trying to figure out if you think you can do this, hand your heart to someone else at the risk of getting it back broken and bruised. 

Though if you’re being honest it already feels like it, and there’s no one else to blame but your pathetic self. 

When Friday rolls around again, you still haven’t made a decision and it’s agonizing how long it’s taking you to sort through your feelings. But it is what it is and being the overthinker that you are, you can’t really help it. 

You put on a tight black skirt, paired with a black flowy blouse and tie your hair into a messy bun, opting for light makeup for the night. You drive to the bar, anxiety filling every inch of your body, and stop to talk with Namjoon for a minute or two. You have a few moments left before your seven p.m. shift and you might as well spend them talking with your friend instead of staring longingly at Min Yoongi.

“Joon!” You exclaim as you saunter towards the entrance.

Namjoon brings you into a tight hug before speaking, “How are you?”

“I’m uh, okay.” You timidly offer.

The doorman nods and opens the door for you. “You know you can always text me if you ever want to, right?”

“I know, thank you.” You say sincerely, soon making your way upstairs.

It’s quite busy, which gives you the perfect excuse not to talk to Yoongi much. Though you sneak so many glances his way he must probably have noticed. And the thought sends heat straight to your ears, but you really can’t control the urge to just stare.

Yoongi looks particularly good tonight, white dress shirt with the sleeves hiked up to his elbows, shiny strands of black hair obstructing his vision from time to time, black trousers and a perpetually handsome face. 

You can see, as usual, a bunch of men and women equally smitten with the barman, chatting flirtily with him and what not. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t irk you. Because he’s not yours and he could very well decide to take up somebody’s offer, after all. And you couldn’t even blame him.

So it comes as a surprise to you, when you come back from the lounge and overhear a conversation between him and a girl that you have been serving all night. 

“..it mustn't be easy, if I had to guess.”

Yoongi shrugs. “It’s really not that bad.”

The girl giggles into the palm of her hand. “Are you doing anything after work?” 

“Uh, well, I’m going to sleep like a log. It’s been a long night.”

You really can’t help the fact that your blood sizzles in your veins, ready to reach boiling point. But you can’t do anything. You don’t blame her at all, and if he wants to go home with her he has every right to. So you sulk silently and listen carefully still, being the masochist that you are and all. 

“I totally get that. Then maybe you’d want to go somewhere sometimes? Grab a drink or something.” She boldly asks. 

“Look um, you look very cool and you’re admittedly very pretty but, I’m kinda seeing someone? So yeah, I’ll have to decline. But thanks.”

Oh.

Is he talking about you? You’d be a liar if you didn’t admit that his statement didn’t release a shit load of butterflies in your stomach, flapping around animatedly.

The girl looks taken aback but smiles through it all still. “No problem, I had to shoot my shot, right?”

“Absolutely.” Yoongi chortles.  

And so you go back to your occupations, feeling a little lighter than before.

When the night is done and you all head out into the cold winter air to go to Jimin’s place, you notice Yoongi hanging back as if unsure.

“You coming hyung?” Jimin asks, slurring his words a bit.

The barman scratches his head and sends you an apologetic look, which immediately prompts your heart to drop to the bottom of your stomach. “I think I’ll go back home this time, but you guys have fun yeah?”

“Suit yourself, grandpa.” Jimin sticks his tongue out.

You all wave him goodbye and pile into Namjoon’s car, Jungkook sitting in the passenger's seat, as usual, and you and Jimin next to each other. He bends down to whisper against your ear,

“Don’t take it personally, alright?”

Thing is, you really want to believe Jimin and convince yourself it's not personal. But you know damn well it is, and the way your stomach twists is enough proof of that.

-

-

As soon as you open the door to Jimin’s apartment you notice a bright red head of hair peeking through the slightly ajar bedroom door. “Hey, you guys are finally here!”

You send Jimin a questioning look but he simply waves you off and makes his way towards a very cozy looking Hoseok, leaving a loud smooch on the latter’s cheek as soon as he reaches him. “Hey babe.”

Jungkook whispers next to your ear, “Since the fuck when..?” 

“I have no idea..” You murmur back.

Jimin looks back at the three of you, a bored expression etched upon his face. “You guys coming in or..?”

The three of you break into a chorus of ‘yes’s and ‘sorry’s before taking off your winter garment and cracking open a cold beer. 

And it’s all very fun and lighthearted, the same type of banter as usual. Everyone looks happy. 

Everyone except you. Because as much as you want to appreciate this, there’s something missing. An integral part of the group that makes it impossible for you to stay present and participate as much as you’d like.  

A part of your heart is missing.

Which is why you suddenly get up and grab your things, ordering a cab from your cellphone as you do so. Your friends look at you in stunned silence. That is until Jimin speaks,

“Babe, what are you doing?”

“Making things right,” You resolutely say as you put your boots back on, not even bothering to zip them up.

Your friends send you a knowing look.

“Text us if you need something,” Namjoon gently says.

As soon as you have your coat on you wave them off and head downstairs to wait for your cab. The night is freezing and the snow falls steadily in thick crystals, decorating the city streets and roofs in blankets of white. You’re not really one to stare in wonder at the snow if you have to be honest. But there’s something quite magical about it tonight. 

It thankfully doesn’t take long for the car to arrive and so you jump in, a little nervous but also finally at peace with yourself. You’ve known all along that this is what you want, truly want. 

You just needed to see for yourself, just how incomplete the pieces of your heart felt without him.

-

-

The silence around you is unnerving, to say the least.

There’s a faint static sound somewhere, as if an old untuned amplifier was left on. Then there’s the sound of your thoughts, so loud in their utmost quietness. They scare you, to be quite frank.

You stand in front of Yoongi’s door for what feels like hours, though it’s probably more like three minutes or so. You almost gather enough courage to knock when the door suddenly opens completely, revealing a distraught looking Yoongi.

“Hey..?” You dip your toe into the troubled waters first. “Is this a wrong time?” 

He blinks a few times, fluttering his thick eyelashes as he does, “Uh, no. I was just— I was going to Jimin’s.”

“Oh,” You manage to say through the confusion clouding your mind. “I’m sorry, I can come back another time..” 

“No!” Yoongi hastily replies, tucking a wild strand of hair behind his ear. “I was coming to see you.. I shouldn’t have left earlier. I just— I wasn’t sure if you wanted me there.” 

You stare at him, heart squeezing painfully in your chest at the honest answer. How much more could you make this man endure?

“Do you.. wanna come in?” He asks, an earnest lilt to his tone. 

“Yeah, I can do that.” 

You follow after the barman and take your boots off, soon followed by your winter garments. 

As soon as you’ve gotten rid of your many layers you notice a black ball of fluff watching you curiously from under the couch. “Come here baby!”

The cat swiftly erupts from the darkness and all but crashes into you, rubbing its head against your thigh.

“What a good cat,” You coo at the animal, leaving soft pecks on top of its head. 

“I can leave you both alone if you want,” Yoongi teases.

You blush and clear your throat before standing up awkwardly. “Sorry..”

Yoongi stops laughing and gives you a fond look,

“I was only joking, love.”

Your lips part to form an ‘o’ shape and you honestly didn’t think this situation could be more embarrassing. And yet.

The clock ticking in the background is a great reminder of the reason why you’ve come here at this godforsaken hour.  

It’s also a painfully embarrassing pointer as to why you’ve been trying to delay this conversation: maybe Yoongi’s changed his mind, maybe he’s done. You wouldn’t blame him.

But you still need to tell him exactly, once and for all, what’s going through your mind. You need it, whatever the outcome may be.

“I’ve come to—“

“What did you come-“

The both of you speak at the same time, prompting a nervous fit of laughter out of you.

“You speak first,” Yoongi chuckles before sitting at the kitchen counter, eyes firmly trained on you. 

You nod and inhale sharply, it’s now or never. 

“I’ve been wracking my brain all week now, trying to understand why I act the way I do with you.. and trust me, I hate introspection, she’s a bitch.” You joke to try and lighten up the mood. 

It seems to be working, if the small affectionate smile gracing Yoongi’s lips is of any indication. 

“Truth is, I’m scared shitless, Yoongi. I’m scared to break you, break me. I’m scared we’ll get tired of each other at some point and hurt each other more than necessary. But mostly I’m terribly selfish and I’m really, really fucking terrified that you’ll find me too much, at some point, and you’ll leave.”

The way your voice suddenly becomes thick and breaks really can’t be hidden, not even if you tried. So you don’t, it’s the moment of truth after all. Might as well get it all out, the ugly and the bad, the sweet and the desperate. All that you’ve been secretly keeping inside, hiding from him and from yourself. 

“And that may be fucking selfish of me to say, but I don’t want you to leave, Yoongi. I’ve been keeping all of these fucking feelings in for so long I don’t know how to externalize them properly so, sorry if I mess this up. But what if, down the line, I say something that I shouldn’t and it hurts you? What if I start taking you for granted and treat you less than you deserve? What if—“

“Angel.” Yoongi firmly interrupts, standing up from his seat and stepping closer in the process.

He comes up to you, cupping both sides of your face to caress your cheeks. And that’s exactly when you realize you’ve started crying.

“It’s ok—“

You shake your head vigorously, sending a few tears flying sideways in the process. “No, please, let me finish this, ok? I need to get it out.” 

The barman nods, staring straight into your soul. You take it as a silent sign to go on.

“Bottom line is, I’m scared as fuck. And I’m so sorry that I took it out on you. I don’t want that to ever happen again, not if I can help it.” You exhale slowly, “But I really, really like you. Actually I more than like you. I’m just not ready to say it out loud, so please bear with me..”

The emotions swirling around Yoongi’s eyes are so all encompassing and beautiful you can barely refrain from kissing him dumb right this instant. But there’s more pressing matters. 

“So I’m asking you now, do you think you’d be ok with me being a little emotionally stunted and having a little trouble externalizing my feelings, even though I’ll try my damn hardest to communicate properly? None of the bullshit I’ve done since we’ve known each other. That wasn’t me trying.” 

You lean into his touch and intently look straight into his eyes as you speak again,

“Because if you think you can, then I think I can sure as hell try to be the woman you deserve, Yoongi.”

The latter gently lays his forehead against yours, his breath now tickling your nose and sending a few strands of hair flying away from your eyes. You both close your eyes, concentrating on your other senses instead.

“If you can do that, then I certainly can try and be the man you deserve, my love.”

You break out in goosebumps, erupting like a thousand fireworks all around you. But not the big, explosive ones. No, more like the ones people often miss because they’re looking at the flashy ones higher up.

They always end up being the prettiest ones, the ones you remember when you come back home.

Kinda like the love Yoongi shows you, it’s not grandiose and flashy. It’s warm and sprinkles down over the both of you like a million confetti’s, melting on your skin and enveloping you in its calming aroma, like the sweetest of flowers.

Or like the damp smell of a forest after a rainy day: comforting and grounding. 

“It’s ok if you can’t say it now, I don’t mind. But can I..?” He whispers tenderly, a few inches away from your burning skin.

You nod in approval, a small smile tugging your lips upward. 

The rough but gentle fingers caressing your skin send shivers down your spine as you wait for Yoongi to speak again, warmth spreading in your chest akin to the glow of a fireplace. 

“I love you.”

And just as quickly as he’s said it, sending the butterflies in your stomach completely haywire, he molds your lips together, an euphoric feeling you’d thought would become nothing but a distant memory.

But it’s not. And he’s there, holding you so carefully as he kisses you unhurriedly, as if savoring each and every second of it. And you press back against him in the same fashion, your wandering hands caressing his covered stomach, shoulders and biceps with featherlight touches.

You didn’t even notice when the pieces of your puzzle slotted back together again. But they're glued together now, unmoving. 

The future is always uncertain, things change and so do people. But that doesn’t mean emotions and beautiful things aren’t worth living, quite the contrary. 

You barely register when your blouse is being unbuttoned, soon discarded on the kitchen floor. Or when Yoongi leads you backwards to his bedroom, with careful steps, guiding you blindly but surely. 

It’s not hungry and fiery this time, when you get rid of the items of clothing keeping you from fully admiring the beauty in front of both your eyes.

It’s slow and sensual, almost an out of body feeling. 

You stare into each others’ eyes stubbornly, unwilling to concentrate on anything but the emotions manifesting on each of your faces as Yoongi smoothly burrows himself into the warm heat of your folds. His movements are so gentle you barely feel anything but pleasure and love, flooding through you in soothing waves.

So much love it’s sickening, and you want more. 

You want all of it, greedy as you are.

He holds you tightly through it all, a kind reassurance that he’s there, present even though the overwhelming sensations tugs at every fiber of his body. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever experienced, letting go of any inhibitions, insecurities and letting someone else handle them instead. 

And he holds them securely as he thrusts in and out of you repeatedly, hands ghosting over the skin of your hips, thighs and cupping both of your breasts gingerly, squeezing them here and there before bending down and licking at your sensitive nubs with almost religious fervor. Like a man worshiping at the sacred altar of your body. 

You’d worship at his any day.

It’s also surprisingly unhurried when you start feeling the edges of your orgasms taking over both of your visions, overwhelming you in the best of ways possible. But you both still keep it at bay as long as possible, almost instinctively. 

He follows you closely in the abyss when you tip over the edge. You tingle all over, tremors coursing through you in an unbridled fashion while your eyes roll to the back of your head in what can only be called complete rapture. 

Yoongi soon busies himself with cleaning you up, the both of you giggling like school girls as you tickle and tease each other endlessly.

Then, you stop giggling and start kissing again, sloppily and lazily, while you hold each other, burrowed deep under the warm covers of Yoongi’s bed.

Like a dam burst open, you can’t really get enough of each other now that everything is out there in the open. 

It’s only when your lips are reddened and puffy that you part, in order to give them a well deserved break. But it doesn’t stop you from pouting petulantly, which prompts Yoongi to laugh uncontrollably at your clinginess.

You can’t help but laugh fondly too, the gummy smile stretching his mouth rendering you a fuzzy mess. 

“You know what I’ve just realized?” You murmur against the soft skin of Yoongi’s arm, which is currently tightly wrapped around you.

“Mmhm?”

“This is the first time we have sex in a bed.” 

“Is it? What about that time at your place?” He sleepily inquires, a hoarse quality to his tone.

“But we didn’t have sex that time, so this is the first time.” 

Yoongi shuffles closer to you, nuzzling at your shoulder in an absolutely endearing manner. 

“Damn, that’s actually funny as fuck.” He chuckles.

You tenderly kiss the smooth flesh of his arm, 

“We’re weird.”

The soft press of lips upon your naked shoulder prompts a small shiver out of you. 

“We are. And I wouldn’t want us to be any other way, my love.”

And that’s exactly how you know with absolute certainty, as you slowly slip into unconsciousness in the arms of the man you love, that you’ll make it through whatever ordeal is to be thrown your way.

Because you just fit perfectly together, understand each other like no one else can. 

Two pieces of a puzzle. 

-

-

a/n: thank you guys so much for all the comments and love that you have shown this story and these characters, it had made me happy in the best of ways! I'm so glad you loved these characters as much as I loved writing them. See you for the epilogue! <3

amala

Yoongi lightly swats at your needy cunt, you squeal and jolt upwards, your body bouncing and setting back down on the bed of fluffy pillows and warm linen covers.

“Now, that’s not a respectful way to talk to me, don’t you think?”

Yoongi grins against you as you let out a high pitched whine,

“Yoongi!”

He traces a trail up your trembling thigh, featherlight touches that sends your mind spiraling and slowly rips you of your sanity. He can see it in the way your tiny feeble hands desperately try to break free from the noose he restrained them with, attached to the bed frame, useless.

He likes seeing you like this, completely at his mercy, deliciously splayed out in front of him.

“Yes, angel?” He lays a few open mouthed kisses on the sweaty skin of your inner tight, relishing in the light shivers it elicits from you, fucking beautiful, he thinks.

“Please, let me come.” You plead as you tightly shut your eyes in blissful agony, it has Yoongi’s cock twitch painfully in the confines of his jeans.

He smirks. “Well.. when you ask so nicely..”

Diving down again, Yoongi sucks lightly at the inviting bundle of nerves, groaning appraisingly as he hears you moan unashamedly. Yoongi adores the way you let go of all your worries and inhibitions in his hold, under his ministrations.

He can’t even believe his luck, to have you here, writhing in pleasure as he laps at your sensitive cunt, his taste buds overwhelmed by the mouth-watering taste of you.

Yoongi’s said it once and he’ll say it again, he could do this all fucking day.

He grips your thighs forcefully, a primal urge taking over him, and earnestly flicks the tip of his tongue against your clit. He does it with particular precision, learning every curve and movement that coaxes the most pleasure out of you. And with the manner in which your body responds, the way your abdomen flexes and your thighs tremble furiously, he knows he’s quickly figuring it out. 

He tantalizingly slips two fingers past your glistening entrance and curls them slightly as he rubs the pad of his digits against your warm walls, struggling not to come right on the spot as you let out a choked sob, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck.”

“Let go for me, angel,” Yoongi croons as he continues fucking you open with long and eager fingers.

He latches his plump shiny lips onto your clit, alternating between teasing sucks and greedy licks, a guttural sound rumbles in his chest the moment he sees your back arching, feels your folds tightening and releasing repeatedly around his fingers. A string of agonizingly arousing moans slip past your throat, filthily filling the air with their wanton nature.

Deft fingers slowly trace your sweaty skin as Yoongi delicately makes his way up your body, burrowing his face in the crook of your neck and inhaling deeply the sweet, comforting scent of magnolia that he has quickly come to love more than anything else.

He decides he won’t wash the shirt you’ve been wearing since yesterday, he’ll instead keep it permeated in your essence for a while, for the inevitable torturous moments when he’s kept from being in your company.

He never thought it possible to miss someone to this extent, wishing to share each and every moment and details of your life with them. And it might have been a little less than two weeks since you both admitted how you feel, but Yoongi knows he’s got something good on his hands, knows he’ll try his damn hardest to make it work. Knows his life would be awfully dull without you painting it all shades of warm.

“Yoongi..” You sigh in pure bliss.

He hums, softly nuzzling at the skin just below your ear, feeling you going completely lax in his hold.

“What about you?”

“I’m good.” 

“But..”

He delicately loosens the noose around your wrists, freeing them as he does so, and lightly bites your earlobe, making you yelp in surprise. “Not ‘buts’, this was about you. Believe me, I’m a happy man right this instant.”

“Okay..” You grab his wrist and bring it up to your lips.

Shivers course through him when he feels your plump flesh leaving a few gentle pecks on his wrist and up his arm, tracing the protruding veins painting his porcelain skin.

The peaceful moment is hilariously perturbed when your stomach emits a low gurgle. He thinks it’s always so endearing, how your cheeks adorn the faintest shades of pink whenever something embarasses you. He could just kiss you all over, again and again.

“I bought pork belly, I’ll cook us a little something.” He chuckles softly, slowly disentangling from you and getting up off the bed.

“Oh my god I’m getting war flashbacks,” You laugh out loud, the sound like music to Yoongi’s ears. He wishes he could record it, use it in a song or something. Maybe he’ll ask you.

“I’m not Namjoon, there won’t be a fire this time I promise.”

He leans down to leave an adoring kiss on your forehead.

“Nobody should ever let Namjoon close to a barbecue grill. I swear to god, it’s a damn safety hazard.”

“I’m not ever letting him close to one again when you’re there, I promise.”

And there it is again, that sweet, pink hue covering your cheeks, as if he had just said something remotely deserving of such a reaction.

He promises himself to try and be deserving of it, for as long as you’ll let him.

-

-

// to be added to the sunrises & liquor tag list click right here and interact with the taglist post, thank you for reading <3

Yoongi lightly swats at your needy cunt, you squeal and jolt upwards, your body bouncing and setting back down on the bed of fluffy pillows and warm linen covers.

“Now, that’s not a respectful way to talk to me, don’t you think?”

Yoongi grins against you as you let out a high pitched whine,

Yoongi grins against you as you let out a high pitched whine,

“Yoongi!”

He traces a trail up your trembling thigh, featherlight touches that sends your mind spiraling and slowly rips you of your sanity. He can see it in the way your tiny feeble hands desperately try to break free from the noose he restrained them with, attached to the bed frame, useless.

He likes seeing you like this, completely at his mercy, deliciously splayed out in front of him.

“Yes, angel?” He lays a few open mouthed kisses on the sweaty skin of your inner tight, relishing in the light shivers it elicits from you, fucking beautiful, he thinks.

“Please, let me come.” You plead as you tightly shut your eyes in blissful agony, it has Yoongi’s cock twitch painfully in the confines of his jeans.

He smirks. “Well.. when you ask so nicely..”

Diving down again, Yoongi sucks lightly at the inviting bundle of nerves, groaning appraisingly as he hears you moan unashamedly. Yoongi adores the way you let go of all your worries and inhibitions in his hold, under his ministrations.

He can’t even believe his luck, to have you here, writhing in pleasure as he laps at your sensitive cunt, his taste buds overwhelmed by the mouth-watering taste of you.

Yoongi’s said it once and he’ll say it again, he could do this all fucking day.

He grips your thighs forcefully, a primal urge taking over him, and earnestly flicks the tip of his tongue against your clit. He does it with particular precision, learning every curve and movement that coaxes the most pleasure out of you. And with the manner in which your body responds, the way your abdomen flexes and your thighs tremble furiously, he knows he’s quickly figuring it out. 

He tantalizingly slips two fingers past your glistening entrance and curls them slightly as he rubs the pad of his digits against your warm walls, struggling not to come right on the spot as you let out a choked sob, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck.”

“Let go for me, angel,” Yoongi croons as he continues fucking you open with long and eager fingers.

He latches his plump shiny lips onto your clit, alternating between teasing sucks and greedy licks, a guttural sound rumbles in his chest the moment he sees your back arching, feels your folds tightening and releasing repeatedly around his fingers. A string of agonizingly arousing moans slip past your throat, filthily filling the air with their wanton nature.

Deft fingers slowly trace your sweaty skin as Yoongi delicately makes his way up your body, burrowing his face in the crook of your neck and inhaling deeply the sweet, comforting scent of magnolia that he has quickly come to love more than anything else.

He decides he won’t wash the shirt you’ve been wearing since yesterday, he’ll instead keep it permeated in your essence for a while, for the inevitable torturous moments when he’s kept from being in your company.

He never thought it possible to miss someone to this extent, wishing to share each and every moment and details of your life with them. And it might have been a little less than two weeks since you both admitted how you feel, but Yoongi knows he’s got something good on his hands, knows he’ll try his damn hardest to make it work. Knows his life would be awfully dull without you painting it all shades of warm.

“Yoongi..” You sigh in pure bliss.

He hums, softly nuzzling at the skin just below your ear, feeling you going completely lax in his hold.

“What about you?”

“I’m good.” 

“But..”

He delicately loosens the noose around your wrists, freeing them as he does so, and lightly bites your earlobe, making you yelp in surprise. “Not ‘buts’, this was about you. Believe me, I’m a happy man right this instant.”

“Okay..” You grab his wrist and bring it up to your lips.

Shivers course through him when he feels your plump flesh leaving a few gentle pecks on his wrist and up his arm, tracing the protruding veins painting his porcelain skin.

The peaceful moment is hilariously perturbed when your stomach emits a low gurgle. He thinks it’s always so endearing, how your cheeks adorn the faintest shades of pink whenever something embarasses you. He could just kiss you all over, again and again.

“I bought pork belly, I’ll cook us a little something.” He chuckles softly, slowly disentangling from you and getting up off the bed.

“Oh my god I’m getting war flashbacks,” You laugh out loud, the sound like music to Yoongi’s ears. He wishes he could record it, use it in a song or something. Maybe he’ll ask you.

“I’m not Namjoon, there won’t be a fire this time I promise.”

He leans down to leave an adoring kiss on your forehead.

“Nobody should ever let Namjoon close to a barbecue grill. I swear to god, it’s a damn safety hazard.”

“I’m not ever letting him close to one again when you’re there, I promise.”

And there it is again, that sweet, pink hue covering your cheeks, as if he had just said something remotely deserving of such a reaction.

He promises himself to try and be deserving of it, for as long as you’ll let him.

-

-

// to be added to the sunrises & liquor tag list click right here and interact with the taglist post, thank you for reading <3

Love [6:37]: badly, spent the whole afternoon consoling Jiminie

Love [6:38]: I’m so tired

You drop your phone on the bed and head towards the bathroom to take a much needed shower. You stand under the stream of hot water for, well, way too long, before you step out of the shower and wrap a towel around your naked form, blow drying your hair as soon as you do.

You leisurely make your way towards your dresser and slip on a simple black t-shirt. Then, you unlock your cell phone again and try to force down the surge of energy you get when you notice two new messages from Yoongi. 

Music Man [6:41]: shit. poor Chim.

Music Man [6:41]: shit. poor Chim.

Music Man [6:41]: shit. poor Chim.

Music Man [6:41]: are you ok?

You sigh contentedly as you type in a response and send it.

Love [7:29]: yeah I am, just need to unwind and go to sleep early.

You start scrolling through netflix, almost settling on a title before you feel your phone vibrate on your stomach.

Music Man [7:36]: wanna come over?

You grin and start typing.

Love [7:37]: mmmhm, idk. that’s at least a 15 minutes drive.

The reply is almost instantaneous.

Music Man [7:37]: I made budae jjigae..

Love [7:38]: say no more

Love [7:38]: leaving in 10

You start getting ready, pulling on some jeans and a coat, then you brush your teeth and grab your purse.

You look at your phone before dropping it in your bag.

Music Man [7:40]: bring overnight stuff [:

“Did you get my last text?”

You push past Yoongi and head inside the apartment.

“I did,” You reply in a monotonous tone.

He closes the front door. “Where’s your overnight stuff?”

You grin and lift your purse up,

“Here.”

“You’re sleeping in… jeans?”

You slip your coat off and hang it, wagging your eyebrows playfully. “Or maybe I’m sleeping naked?”

“Are you trying to be the end of me?” Yoongi groans.

You chuckle lightheartedly,

“Don’t act like you’ve never seen a naked woman before, please.”

“Definitely not, but they weren’t you. I don’t think you realize the power you have over me, love.” He draws closer and engulfs you in a tight embrace, laying a gentle press of his lips on top of your head.

You blush profusely, thankful for the fact that your face is hidden from Yoongi’s scrutinizing gaze. This might be the most romantic and simultaneously arousing thing you’ve ever heard. 

Shit.

“Then you’ll lend me sleeping clothes will you?” You nip at his exposed collarbones.

Yoongi shudders quietly. “So this was your plan the whole time? Make a man weak so you can steal his clothes and why not, his cat too maybe?”

You laugh against the crook of his neck. “Damn, you caught me.”

“That’s cold, angel.”

You lift your head up and your eyes meet an absolutely devastating pout.

“Poor baby,” You coo before cupping his soft cheeks, pressing your lips on his for a few seconds and sighing in absolute bliss, the blond man’s arms tightening around you as you get lost in each other’s taste. You break it off first, parting an inch or two from him and staying there for a short moment, the both of you breathing in each other’s air, eyes closed.

“I just think your clothes smell nice,” You whisper tenderly.

Yoongi hums. “What do they smell like?”

You dip your head down and press your forehead on his shoulder, a light pinkish tint taking over your cheeks, and mumble, “You.”

“So you think I smell nice?” 

You slap his hip and groan in embarrassment. “I hate you.”

“Sure you do.” He chortles, a calloused hand making its way through your freshly washed hair.

You stay unmoving for a few moments, trying to will the heat in your cheeks away and then raise your head, first noticing Cat, laying on the couch and judging the both of you with it’s golden orbs, before catching the spicy scent of budae jjigae for the first time since you came in.

“You actually cooked, like for real.”

Yoongi lets go of his hold on you and rubs the back of his neck. “Well, yeah.”

You approach the stove top, taking  in a deep breath through your nose.

“I thought you were finessing me so I would come over.”

“That’s rich coming from you, clothes stealer.” Yoongi says, a playful indignant tone to his voice.

“Hey! I borrow them, I don’t steal them.”

“Tell that to the hoodie I haven’t seen in the last two months.”

You cross your arms and pout, leaning on the counter. “You gave that to me, meanie.”

“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.”

“That’s not fair,” You squint your eyes at him.

Yoongi chuckles and kisses your temple, taking two bowls from the cupboard and filling them with two portions of the still-warm meal before putting them down on the counter along with utensils and two water bottles.

“Eat up before it gets cold.”

You whine but still sit down at the counter, slurping and munching hungrily at the delicious comforting meal. Yoongi watches you with an amused expression, eating quietly and slowly. Once you’ve annihilated your portion you put your utensils down and quirk a brow at the blond man,

“What?” you take a sip of water.

Yoongi shrugs, a crooked smile on his lips. “Nothing, you’re just cute.”

You choke on the liquid, coughing loudly and bring a hand up to your chest, violently slapping it to help clear your obstructed airways. Yoongi laughs and runs a hand up and down your back in a soothing motion. 

“You’re mean,” You croak out once your fit of coughs settles down.

“I’m sorry,” He massages the nape of your neck, dissipating any feeling of annoyance you might’ve had.

You pout. “Better make it up to me then.”

“Anything you want, love.”

"Anything?" You lift a brow and send him a seductive smile, slowly getting up and wrapping your arms around his neck.

Yoongi’s breath hitches in his throat as he lets out a low, rumbly, “Anything.”

You twirl a blond strand of hair between your deft fingers, a wicked grin lifting the corners of your mouth. “Then I want a massage and cuddles.”

Yoongi huffs incredulously and shakes his head, lightly swatting at your ass. “It would be my pleasure.”

He lends you a pair of black sweatpants and a white t-shirt and you quickly brush your teeth before going to the living room and petting the furry animal, cooing and squealing when it starts purring in content.You then make your way back to Yoongi's room and swiftly slide under the bed’s covers. 

Yoongi enters the bathroom and comes out a few minutes later to find you almost passed out, snuggled in his sheets. He slides under the covers next to you and whispers,

“Do you want to go to sleep now, love?”

You shake your head and blink slowly, meeting deep chocolate-like eyes. Even in complete darkness Yoongi looks absolutely stunning, breathtaking, and you feel so fucking fond and grateful to be sharing a bed with him.

“Nuh-uh, you still have to give me a massage.”

“Alright, on your stomach then,” Yoongi chuckles and tucks a strand of hair beneath your ear. 

You leisurely comply, and give him an expectant look.

“It would be better if I took off your shirt, but it’s all up to you.”

You nod and send him a small smile, giving him permission.

And so Yoongi sits up straight and starts tugging your shirt off, you help him by lifting your torso and arms up. 

Once the garment is off, Yoongi slides his palms up your back with increasing pressure, spurring a satisfied moan out of you. 

“Is that enough pressure?” He whispers in a dark, gruff tone, sending shivers up your spine

You barely manage to whisper the next words, 

“It’s perfect.” 

He continues his ministrations, lingering for a long moment on your shoulders and collarbones, then trailing down to the dip of your back and slowly pressing his thumbs there while you can only let out small mewls of appreciation. 

You slowly slip in and out of consciousness, not even noticing that Yoongi has stopped massaging you until he whispers against your ear,   

“Time to sleep, angel.”

You groan and begrudgingly sit up, tugging the white t-shirt on before slumping down on your side, facing the opposite way from Yoongi. The latter inches closer and wraps a lazy arm around your waist, pressing himself flush against your back.

“Sweet dreams,” He presses a delicate kiss on your shoulder.

You wiggle in his embrace before slurring out a small,

“Sweet dreams Yoongi.”

You tug nervously at the off-the-shoulder neckline of the emerald green, floor length dress you put on merely a few minutes ago.

It’s 7:04, which means Yoongi is late, and Yoongi is almost never late. Which might mean something happened, but it could also just be your anxiety riddled mind making up scenarios to taunt you.

Nevertheless you can’t tame down the bubbling anxiety rising in your chest.

You’re checking your phone for the upteenth when you hear a slightly reluctant knock at your front door.

You swing it open in a matter of seconds, letting out a shaky breath of relief as soon as you see Yoongi’s soft features.

Your relief is short lived though, because his appearance knocks the air straight out of you.

You grip the doorknob forcefully as you take in the fitted black suit Yoongi is sporting, the white dress shirt and black bow, but most importantly his luscious locks of hair. Because they’re not the light, bleached blond you’ve been drawn to since you’ve met him. No, oh no. 

His hair is black. 

Jet black, as dark as a raven’s feathers. 

And if you thought blond was the best color for Yoongi before, you were not prepared for this one. Because holy shit, he’s the most gorgeous man you’ve ever been blessed to lay your eyes upon. 

The night’s announcing itself to be a long one. 

“You look amazing,” Yoongi declares as he tucks his hands in the pockets of his trousers, an awestruck look in his eyes.

“Holy shit,” Is all you manage to say, completely unaware of the compliment he just bestowed upon you.

Yoongi nervously cards a hand through his black hair. “Yeah..”

“Yoongi. Fucking hell. Don’t do that.” Your grip on the door handle strengthens and you take a deep breath, looking anywhere but in his direction. 

“Do what?” He scratches his head in confusion, oblivious to your internal struggle. 

“Your hair, oh my god.” You snap your gaze up, just now noticing how awkward the man looks standing in the doorway. “Umm, sorry, come in.”

You step out of the way and Yoongi slides in through the threshold, closing the door as you make your way to the closet and take out your winter coat. 

“Yeah I was so done with bleaching it, so I just went back to my natural color.”

You hum understandingly and the man leans on the wall, watching you curiously as your shaky hands fumble with the buttons of your black, fake fur coat. 

“Do you like it?” He questions, an amused glint to his tone.

You gulp loudly. “Y-yeah I do.” 

You curse under your breath as you struggle to button your coat, your mind reeling with thousands of filthy images you try to rid yourself of. Crazy how a simple change of hair color can have such an impact on you. 

But you’re only human, and Yoongi clearly is something else, no way a human being is allowed to look like this, like sin incarnated but also a god sent creature. It’s not fucking fair.

Strong, capable hands deftly take a hold of yours and snap the coat’s buttons in place. 

“You like it that much?” He chuckles teasingly.

You send a glare his way, only now noticing how close he’s standing. “How fucking dare you look this good in my house, in front of my fake plants nonetheless!”

Yoongi lifts a brow in amusement before taking a hold of your waist and drawing you flush against his broad chest. “What are you gonna do about it?” 

You gasp and slap his shoulder. “I can’t with you, I swear to god.”

Yoongi laughs loudly, showing off a heart shattering gummy smile that has your heartbeat picking up at an alarming rate.

“Are you actually mad?” He runs a hand up and down your back. You curse yourself for putting on your winter garment, wanting more than anything to feel his fingers on you.

“Yes, I am! How am I supposed to watch the musical when you look like this?” You pout angrily. 

“So dramatic..” 

And just like that he stops you from responding by locking his lips onto yours, tilting his head to the side to deepen the kiss before biting lightly at your bottom lip, tearing a soft whimper out of you.

He slowly backs you up against the wall, using the surprised gasp you emit to slide his tongue against your own, licking languidly and relentlessly as you try to take charge, failing time and time again.

You slide your hand all the way up to the back of his head, tugging lightly at the soft locks of hair, something you’ve been desperate to do since he appeared at your doorstep. 

Yoongi emits a deep groan, shivers instantly pricking at your skin despite the warm clothing you’re wearing and you slide your other hand up to the button of his jacket, wanting nothing more than to take it off and feel his warm skin sizzling under your palms.

But he parts from your lips just as your hand reaches the obstructing button and chuckles hoarsely,

“We can’t miss this show, love. Tae would be sad and you’d feel bad.”

“Damn, I hate that you’re right.”

Yoongi rests his forehead against yours and lightly shakes his head. “Believe me, I hate that I am too.” 

You stay there, catching your breaths for a few moments before you speak up again,

“Alright let’s go now, otherwise we won’t be leaving tonight.”

You see his jaw twitch as he steps away and takes your hand in his. 

“I’m in pain,” He solemnly declares.

You chuckle heartily,

“So dramatic.”

You arrive at the theater a mere thirty-something minutes before the musical Taehyung stars in begins, the billboard announcing ‘Chicago’ in bright capital letters.

You notice Seokjin and Hoseok almost as soon as you make your way in after dropping off your things at coat check.

They’re leaning against a high circular table and chatting, flutes of champagne in hand.

Seokjin speaks first,

“We were starting to wonder if you guys decided to bail on us to go have sex at Yoongi’s place or something.”

You give him a mortified look while Hoseok loudly chortles, gripping his stomach as he does so.

Yoongi lets out a drawn out sigh. “I need a drink.”

Seokjin perks up. “Let me accompany you! There’s a bit of a line.” 

He downs his own flute in one gulp as Yoongi sends a pained look your way but follows the older man nonetheless, leaving you and Hoseok alone.

The silence that reigns over the both of you feels awkward and strange. You don’t like it, not one bit.

“How is he?”

You snap your gaze towards the red haired man.

“Who?” You question futilely, already knowing the answer.

Hoseok sighs, a downcast look in his eyes. “Jimin..” 

You pick at your nails nervously, unsure if you should be talking about it or not. You ultimately decide it couldn’t hurt to do so. 

“I mean.. how do you think? You know him, he’s taking it pretty badly but he wouldn’t talk about it or what really happened. He’s resilient though, he’ll manage.”

“I know.. I’m just-“ He pauses. “I’m just kinda confused and lost right now? I didn’t expect this, at all. And I’ve wanted him to tell me that he loves me for so long, even dreamt about it. But I met Lia a few weeks ago and it’s going well you know? She’s kind and I know exactly what she thinks and where she’s at..”

You didn’t know about any of this. “Lia?” 

“Yeah, I met her at a party. You’d like her a lot I think.” He shoots you a half-hearted smile, making your heart sink. 

Hoseok doesn’t do half-hearted smiles.

“If you do, I’m sure I would too.”

Hoseok stares at the floor, eyebrows furrowed, like he’s deep in thoughts.

You sigh and ruffle his hair. “Whatever you do, I’ll be happy for you. As long as you know you’re making the right decision for you. Not anyone else.”

Hoseok eyes you almost pleadingly. “But no matter what I do, someone’s going to end up hurting..”

“Yup. That’s just the way things go most of the time.” You try to swallow the uptick of emotions in your throat.

“You’re such a pessimist,” The corner of his eyes crinkle in amusement.

“I have nothing to say in my defense.”

You notice Yoongi and Seokjin coming back your way, holding three flutes of champagne.

You give Hoseok a meaningful look, “Seriously though, think about it. I don’t want you to regret your decision later on, whatever that decision is.”

He nods harshly, just as the two men come up to you. Yoongi hands you a flute.

“Thanks,” You beam at him, touched that he thought to bring you one too.

He snakes an arm around your waist and takes a small sip of the bubbly drink. “Of course.”

“So, what role is Taehyung playing anyway?” Hoseok asks.

You perk up, excited about your friend’s upcoming performance. “Roxie! It’s a gender swapped reinterpretation of Chicago.”

“Damn, he basically got the lead role.” Yoongi whistles, impressed.

You preen with pride for your friend.

“He did,” Seokjin confirms in an adoring tone.

“Sweet!” Hoseok exclaims, drawing in a few pair of curious eyes.

You all drink your flutes pretty quickly and make a stop at the restroom before heading inside the theater and taking your seats.

You sit at the end of the row, Yoongi directly to your left, then followed by Hoseok and Seokjin. You apply a thin layer of lip gloss before tucking the stick back into your purse, only then noticing Yoongi eyeing you, indecipherable emotions swimming in his dark orbs.

You lean closer and lay a hand on his thigh,

“Something on my face?”

Yoongi snorts. “Anything I could answer to that would be corny as fuck.”

You feel your face heat up and look down bashfully.

“Hey,” He lifts your chin up with his index finger. “I didn’t say I was done looking.”

“Oh my god Yoongi, stop.” You squeeze his thigh in warning, very thankful for the low lighting, otherwise you’re positive he would notice the bright red tint spreading all over your face.

“Cute,” He coos softly, caressing your cheek gently before draping his arm around your shoulders, you lean onto him . 

The musical soon starts, and it’s absolutely mind blowing. You don’t remember ever seeing something quite like it. Taehyung adds a lot of flair to it, and you might’ve seen him in other plays before, but this takes home the cake, in your opinion at least. Because he owns the stage, the role, the songs. 

He is the role.

But as much as you try to stay focused, you can’t help but let yourself peer at Yoongi from time to time, getting caught up in the way the light illuminating the stage creates all sorts of shapes and shadows upon his hypnotizing features.

He’s fucking stunning.

You leave your hand on his thigh all throughout the show, rubbing slow circles on his knee with your dainty thumb.

And you’re acutely aware of the occasional shivers coursing through Yoongi as you sometimes let your hand wander a bit further up his thigh, notice the way his jaw ticks when you lightly squeeze the muscular limb. You also notice how your heartbeat picks up its pace the longer you keep testing the man’s patience, as if maybe your little teasing might have even more of an effect on you than on him.

When the last musical number starts, you let your hand venture even further up, your fingers now almost reaching the place you want them to reach the most.

You feel Yoongi‘s muscle strain, almost missing the low groan that reverberates through him when he forcefully grabs your wrist in warning, which automatically sends a rush of heat through your whole body.

You chance a glance at his tense features, his clenched jaw, his eyes staring intently at the stage, and almost pout when he doesn’t give you any attention, simply keeping his steady and forcefull hold on your wrist, making it impossible for you to move your hand in any way. 

The play soon ends and you all get up, Yoongi lets go of your wrist to applaud and once he’s done, he gets a hold of your hand and interwines your fingers, sending you a dark menacing look as he does so.

The four of you quickly make your way to the front hall and you text your friend.

my queen [10:43]: we’re waiting for you in the front hall! you were fucking incredible tae omg

You feel Yoongi’s hold on your hand strengthen as you wait for a reply.

Taebear [10:45]: be there in 15, gotta wait for ppl to leave 

And so you all wait, eagerly discussing and praising your friend’s performance and the musical as a whole between the four of you.

Time goes by so quickly that you yelp in surprise when you notice your best friend making his way towards your group.

“Tae oh my fucking god!” You let go of Yoongi’s hand and run into Taehyung’s arms. “You were unreal up there.” 

You part from him to let everyone congratulate his performance, Hoseok clapping excitedly and crushing him into a fierce hug while Yoongi simply pats him on the shoulder.

“You were born to be on stage sweetie,” Seokjin approaches him and lays a passionate kiss on the younger man’s lips.

They exchange a few words before Taehyung addresses you, his head laying on Seokjin’s large shoulders,

“I know we planned to go somewhere after this but I’m officially drained. Rain check? Y’all still owe me a celebratory meal.” 

You snort loudly. “All good babe. Go rest, you need it.”

Hoseok ruffles Seokjin’s hair. “Can I catch a ride with you?”

“As long as you never, ever, touch my hair again, yes.” 

Taehyung chuckles airily, an endeared boxy grin etched upon his face as he glances adoringly at the older man. 

And so you all say goodbye and head towards your respective cars. You slump down the passenger side’s seat and tug your coat off, waiting for Yoongi to start the ignition. 

He drives out of the parking lot and onto the highway, glancing at you from time to time, not saying a single word. You feel anxiety bubbling up your chest and decide to break the tense silence,

“Are you dropping me off at home?” 

Yoongi chuckles almost menacingly. “Oh no, we’re sleeping at my place tonight.” 

“Umm.. since when?” You give him a quizzical look.

He clenches his jaw before replying,

“Since you decided to play a game you know you can’t win.”

Oh.

You slide a hand up his thigh, your fingers brushing over his crotch, and relish in the sharp intake of air that reaches your ears. 

“What game?” You tease.

“Angel,” Yoongi rasps through gritted teeth, his hands gripping the wheel so forcefully that his knuckles turn white.

And you might be liking this a bit too much, but it’s way too fun to stop now. 

So you repeat the motion, sliding your hand up and down his thigh, brushing over his crotch again.

“Yes?” You flutter your eyelashes innocently. 

You barely even notice Yoongi taking the next exit and driving down small deserted streets until the car stops in a small parking lot next to the water.

You don’t recognize the public park in which you now find yourself in. 

“Uh, Yoongi? This isn’t your place as far as I know.”

The man lowers the backrest of the car seat to a more comfortable position, unfastens his seatbelt and grabs your hand, pushing it against the growing tent in his trousers, electrifying arousal growing sharply in your abdomen as he does so.

“Well, it seems like you couldn’t wait to be home to act like a brat. So go ahead, do what you want.”

You swallow thickly. “Here? What if someone walks past us?” 

Yoongi smirks and closes his eyes before bringing his arms up and slipping his hands behind his head. “Didn’t seem to bother you one bit earlier.”

And maybe it shouldn’t, but the thought of maybe getting caught, coupled with the alluring confidence emanating from Yoongi casts a hazy cloud in your mind, making you want to please the man more than anything in the world.

And so you unfasten your seatbelt and lift your skirt up to straddle the man easily. But he stops you before you can climb him,

“No.”

You stare at him in sheer confusion. 

“That’s not what you were trying to do earlier. Use your hands angel, then we’ll see if you deserve more.” 

You all but shudder and nod weakly. Yoongi might’ve been a bit dominating before, but it was nothing compared to this. The confident, authoritative glint in his voice sends your mind into a frenzy, you want to get to know this side of him better.

He quirks a brow at you and closes his eyes again,

“Well?” 

You snake a trembling hand up to the zipper of his trousers, struggling a bit before sliding it all the way down. You can feel how aroused he is, how hard his thick, warm length feels under the thin material of his underwear. It gives you a major boost of confidence, knowing how eager Yoongi actually is to feel you.

“Can you um..lift your hips,” You bashfully ask.

Yoongi blinks and chuckles amusedly before lifting his hips up and tugging his boxers and trousers halfway down, liberating his warm cock from the confines of his clothes. 

He watches carefully as you bring a hand up to your mouth and spit on it, his eyes darkening as soon as the thick saliva trickles down your palm.

His gaze only falters for a few seconds when you wrap your hand around him, and focuses again as soon as you start pumping him in slow, drawn out motions.

He stays silent, though immensely focused when you start going faster, swirling your wrist from time to time and applying a little more pressure when you reach his reddened tip, only to dive down again and again. 

His ragged breathing is the only thing that cues you in on how much he’s actually enjoying this and so, you ask with a tiny, shaky voice,

“Can I umm..”

The words don't come out. It’s not that you’re shy about doing it, It just feels weird to say out loud.

“Can you what?” He asks with a gravely low voice that sends a wave of shivers up your spine.

You look at him with pleading eyes as you continue sliding your hand up and down his length. Yoongi simply quirks a brow at you, refusing you mercy. 

“Can you what, love?”

You take a shallow breath and whisper, 

“Can I suck you off?”

You can almost sense the moment he breaks, it feels like the air inside the small car gets even more suffocating, making you lightheaded.

“Fuck, yeah, go on.”

A pleasurable knot forms itself in your stomach as you eagerly dive down to leave a teasing lick on the tip of Yoongi’s cock, the salty taste of precum coating your tongue deliciously.

You flick your tongue against the slit of his girth, smirking when you feel Yoongi jolt and moan quietly. He pushes away the strands of hair dangling in front of your eyes and grabs the rest of your hair in a messy bun, holding it in a firm but gentle grip.

He groans lowly when you slowly wrap your lips around him and slide down his length, pressing your tongue along his frenulum as you do so, and repeat the motion a few times, hollowing your cheeks to coax as much pleasure as you possibly can out of him. 

You come up for air for a few seconds before spitting on his cock and taking him back in your mouth, feeling every protruding vein on his thick member as you swirl your tongue around it. You rapidly pick up a faster pace, bobbing your head up and down as you hear a myriad of curses escape Yoongi’s lips.

It only makes you grow bolder and bolder and so you dive down lower, only stopping when your nose brushes against soft skin. You gag lightly and repeat the motion a second time, to the man’s greatest pleasure, if his choked guttural groan is anything to go by.

As soon as the tip of his thick length hits the back of your throat, you feel Yoongi bucking his hips forward, making you gag and cough loudly around him, saliva trickling down your mouth filthily. 

“Fuck I’m so sorry,” He tugs on your hair and lifts you up, the sharp sting sending a shock of pleasure through you.

You gasp for air and feel drool sliding along your throat, all the way down to the neckline of your dress, a few teardrops escaping your eyes.

“It’s ok.. I like it,” You rasp out as soon as you can breathe somewhat normally.

Yoongi groans. “Fucking hell, yeah? You like choking on my cock, angel?” 

You mewl in response, feeling a familiar wetness in between your legs slowly spreading to the inside of your thighs. 

“Can I fuck your mouth, mmhm? Can you do that for me?” He tilts your head upwards and brings you closer, his face now a few inches away from yours.

You nod frantically, more than excited by the prospect of Yoongi fucking into your mouth aggressively, using you as he pleases to get himself off. There’s nothing quite as tempting in the whole world. At least at this moment.

“You sure?” He wipes drool off your chin and gently strokes your flushed cheek with the back of his hand.

“Yes, please..”

“Begging to choke on my cock, for fuck’s sake.”

Yoongi bruisingly crashes his lips onto yours and devours your mouth with unbridled passion, instantly and greedily swallowing your whimpers as they reach your throat. 

He disconnects your mouths and breathes out unevenly. “You ready?” 

You nod eagerly and Yoongi guides you back to his painfully hard erection. You instantly wrap your lips around him, sighing in relief as soon as you do.

He growls mutedly. “Squeeze my thigh if you ever feel uncomfortable and want me to stop, ok angel?”

You hum and tantalizingly lick the side of his length, which only makes him tighten his hold on your hair. 

He starts bucking his hips forward, and it’s slow at first, as he drags the tip of his erection against your warm tongue numerous times. But he soon picks up his pace, snapping in and out of your mouth rapidly before engulfing himself far down your tight throat, only stopping when he hears you gagging around him. 

Then he picks up an unhurried pace again and alternates between slow and fast, aggressive and gentle. You feel dizzy and completely fucked out, your underwear completely ruined by sheer arousal. You don’t think you’ve ever been this turned on in your life.

You squeal in surprise when Yoongi lifts you up swiftly and kisses you feverishly, as if trying to taste each and every corner of your mouth with the help of his skilled tongue.

A thick trail of saliva connects both of your mouths when you part for air. Yoongi cups your cheeks and leaves a soft peck on your swollen lips, it has you seeing stars, your heart growing bigger in size at the care he exudes through his actions.

“Such a good girl for me.” 

You smile shyly at him and nuzzle the tip of his nose, pride blooming in your chest as you realize how good you’ve made him feel.  

“Come here angel.” 

He skirts your dress up to your hip bones and helps you straddle him, holding you in place as you settle somewhat comfortably on his lap. Your legs tremble furiously when you try to hold yourself up and you whine pitifully.

“Yoongi, I don’t think I can move my legs for long.”

He leaves a sweet peck on your lips before murmuring,

“I got you.”

Your heart soars as his words register and you dive down to the crook of his neck, leaving a trail of open mouthed kisses as you get rid of the bow around his collar. 

When the accessory is finally off, you leisurely unbutton his dress shirt, your fingers lingering longingly on the small expanse of his chest, now available to your rapacious hands.

You're thrown off guard when Yoongi drags the tip of his fingers against your covered core, spurring light jolts out of you as he teases you mercilessly for a few interminable seconds.

“Yoongi, please, I need you..” You sob out, your legs now shaking uncontrollably. 

“Just-, Give me a minute to make sure I don’t hurt you alright?”

“But I’m ready, please.” You plead brokenly, completely unbothered by how fucking needy you sound.

He takes a deep inhale, holding your waist with one hand before pushing your underwear aside and sliding two digits into you, his fingers meeting no resistance whatsoever.

You moan softly, and you think you could come just like this with how fucking aroused you are. 

“Fuck, you are ready.” 

Yoongi thrusts his fingers in and out of you, dragging them along your walls before slipping them out of you, much to your disappointment.

You whine and pout deeply. “I told you.”

“I know baby,” He soothes as he lightly slaps your cunt, making you shudder in his hold. 

He grips his own veiny girth, pumping it a few times while simultaneously holding your panties to the side before aligning himself with your entrance.

Your pout slowly morphs into a gasp when you feel his throbbing length sliding into you in one smooth motion, stretching you nicely around its circumference. 

“Oh fuck,” You harshly breathe out, your eyes rolling to the back of your head before coming back to focus on Yoongi’s.

The black haired man brings one hand to your hip and the other up to your throat, squeezing lightly as he steadily holds your gaze, burning lava swimming in his dark brown orbs. 

And that’s exactly how your whole body feels as Yoongi picks up a long languorous pace. Like lava, malleable, pliant and hot to the touch, like the only thing capable of laying a hand upon you would have to be something equally fiery. 

You always thought that Yoongi shared a lot of similarities with burning coal. Intoxicating, warm. Like if he wanted to, he could make you burn alongside him.

Though, if you’re being honest, you think you’ve been burning for quite some time.

You snap out of a daze like state when you feel Yoongi’s grip on your throat tightening and mewl loudly as he starts rapidly thrusting into you. He swirls his hips up and down and you can only hold on to his broad shoulders, gripping so harshly you might have left marks if it wasn’t for the jacket that the man hadn’t bothered to shrug off.

Then he slows down again, his shallow breath fanning over your face over and over again as you peer deep in his eyes, the knot in your abdomen tightening exponentially with every sharp thrust of his hips. 

You feel deft fingers crawling down your side, unzipping your dress in one quick motion before they tug the upper part of the garment down, your breast now bouncing up and down as Yoongi keeps fucking into you. 

He tweaks one of your pert nipples and latches his mouth on the other one, flicking and nibbling teasingly at it while you can only shiver in pure ecstasy.

A wanton moan slips past your throat when he suddenly picks up an unrelenting pace and you instinctively arch your back, deepening the angle at which he rams into you at full speed.

“Yoongi..” You whimper, bringing your forehead against his and the man soon cradles the side of your face. 

“Y-yeah?” He chokes out unevenly. 

Your vision focuses onto him as the rest grows blurry, you feel your orgasm at the tip of your fingers, tingling all over the extremities of your limbs, like a dam ready to burst at any moment.

“Don’t stop, fuck-“

Your head falls down on his shoulder and your peak washes over you in overwhelming waves, blinding you for a few moments as you hold onto his strong frame for dear life. You convulse and pulse steadily around him, clenching and unclenching while he continues his ministrations, his cock throbbing around your swollen folds.

“Babe-“ Yoongi starts, out of breath. “You need to get off, I’m gonna cum-” He rasps out, sinking his nails into the supple skin of your thigh.

And so you muster all the strength you can gather and lift your hips up, setting them back down as soon as you feel him slip out, much to your dismay.

He tries to grip himself but you beat him to it, pumping his veiny length fast and hard as Yoongi moans hoarsely and comes undone, spilling all over your hand in thick spurts of unrestrained pleasure.

You look into his eyes and bring your sticky hand up, licking away all traces of his white release while thoroughly maintaining eye contact. Yoongi stares at you with his mouth agape, breathing heavily and swallowing thickly.

“What are you doing to me,” He blinks and cards a trembling hand through his jet black hair, the other one softly caressing your bruised thigh.

“And what are you doing to-“ You abruptly stop, noticing light coming your way through the fogged up window. “Holy shit, someone’s coming!”

Yoongi sends you an alarmed look and lowers the backrest of his seat all the way down, making you lose your balance. You plant your hands on both sides of his body to try not to crush him under your weight and hide your face against his chest. 

“Are they close,” He whispers as he tries to cover your bare ass by laying a coat on top of your frame.

You roll your eyes against closed eyelids,

“I don’t know, I’d have to be able to see to tell you that.”

Yoongi swallows down a chuckle. “Fair enough.”

“Shhhh!” You whisper aggressively.

You both stay silent for a minute or two, your heart rates picking up when the light gets so close you can see it behind closed eyelids. But no one comes knocking on the window, and after a minute or two you lift your head up and tentatively take a peek outside.

“Oh my fucking god it was the cops, they didn’t see us,” You clasp a hand over your mouth and look at Yoongi with a mortified expression. “Can you imagine if they got here a few minutes ago.”

He glances at you with wide eyes before bursting into laughter, a wide grin appearing on his face. And you can’t help but follow suit, throwing yourself back against his chest as you both giggle endlessly.

“Oh shit, that was such a close call,” He wipes at the corner of his eyes.

You slap his chest playfully. “What a bad idea.”

“You weren’t complaining earlier,” He teases as he pulls your dress up and zips it back up, taking the opportunity to draw shapes along the expanse of your collarbone. 

You lay a long, soft kiss upon his pillowy lips, sinking into his hold for a few moments before murmuring against his lips,

“Let’s go home before someone else comes, yeah?” 

And he gives you such a tender look that you can’t help but feel so many things, things you don’t want to feel, things you’re scared of and can’t even mention out loud.

But you feel them still, simmering in your stomach comfortingly despite the terror lurking in your mind like a shadow.

“Yeah, let’s.”

“How are we this late?” 

Yoongi shoots you an unimpressed look.

“We’re late because someone decided to lay on the ground and cuddle Cat for at least a good ten minutes.” 

“Hey!” You yelp indignantly. “Cat looked like it needed cuddles.”

Yoongi slips his hand in yours as you both walk rapidly towards the bar’s main entrance.

“Cat always needs cuddles.”

“Ooo, reminds me of someone.”

The look of disgust on Yoongi’s face sends you into a raucous fit of laughter.

“Says you.”

You click your tongue, “Oh but I’m not afraid to admit it. You, on the other hand, will pretend you don’t want cuddles and affection, but you so do.”

“I’m leaving you on the side of the road tonight,” He deadpans, letting go of your hand and walking faster ahead. 

“That’s mean!” You holler and quicken your pace, grabbing his arm and leaning your head on his shoulder as the man wraps an arm around your waist.

You stop just a few feet away from the door and tug on his arm. “Yoongi.” 

“What is it?” He lifts his hand up to your cheek, carefully cradling it.

“Kiss me?” You give him your best puppy eyes.

Yoongi rolls his eyes but still leans down to lay a chaste (but fatal nonetheless) kiss upon your lips, stroking your cold cheek with the back of his thumb as he does so. 

You chase after his plush lips once he parts from you, earning you a low chuckle from the object of your affection, “Greedy.”

You pout, “So what.”

The barman shakes his head fondly. “Nothing, you’re just cute.”

“Well-,”

“You guys coming in or?” 

You both simultaneously turn towards the disruption, annoyed, just then noticing Namjoon holding the door open from the inside of the establishment.

The doorman shrugs and gives you a dimpled smile. “It’s freezing, I’m not gonna hold it forever.”

“Yeah we’re coming,” Yoongi mumbles as he slips his hand in yours and walks through the threshold.

You follow him as he steps up the stairs, an impish smile on your lips. “You’re holding my hand again.” 

He gives you a questioning look. “So what?” 

“You and Cat share a lot of traits, that’s all.”

“Oh fucking hell.”

Saturday night ends up being a pretty busy night, as usual, and so, time goes by so fast you barely have time to blink before the night is over.

You’re probing through your purse in the employees lounge when Yoongi’s voice reaches your ears, making you still in your movements instantly.

“I mean what do you want me to say Joon? I thought it might’ve been something special, but turns out it was only physical attraction and sex. I realized that not too long ago.” He sighs. “I feel fucking awful, but it is what it is.”

And if you thought you’d known heartbreak before, nothing could prepare you for the painful manner in which your stomach churns as Yoongi’s words sink in, or the way your heart feels like it’s been ripped from your chest, only to be aggressively stepped on again and again.

You don’t understand, can’t comprehend, how Yoongi can act the way he does when he’s with you, only to then say that the connection you share is merely physical, replaceable. 

You fight back tears as you make your way behind the bar, staring intently at the back of Yoongi’s black head of hair. 

“I mean it can be pretty hard to tell the difference between lust and love, I get it. They’re both so intertwined together most of the time.” Namjoon explains matter-of-factly.

“I mean what I did still sucks-“

“Yoongi..” You croak out, trying to the best of your abilities to keep it together, though you feel like you probably won’t succeed in doing so.

Both men turn around and look at you in surprise.

“I thought-“ Your voice cracks under the weight of overwhelming emotions tearing through your chest and up your throat.

You feel like throwing up, actually throwing up.

Yoongi’s surprised expression morphs into one of immense concern, he furrows his brows and steps closer.

“What’s going on?” He asks with urgency.

You shake your head frantically and step backwards as a teardrop rolls down your cheek treacherously. “I thought-“ You stop again. 

“I don’t.. I don’t know what I thought, it clearly doesn’t matter.” You turn on your heels and head back to the employees lounge, taking your purse and coat as Yoongi follows you and grabs your elbow, making you swivel around in a dizzying motion.

“Talk to me angel, what’s happening? What are you talking about? You’re scaring me..”

“Yeah well, maybe if you told me I was only a good fuck from the moment you figured it out, we wouldn’t be here right now.” You sneer angrily, hurt and shame engulfing you in a red fog of anger

Yoongi’s eyes widen. “Woah, what are you talking about? I’m confused as fuck.” 

“So am I! I can’t talk to you right now Yoongi, I’ll take a cab home.”

You shrug his hands off and storm out of the lounge, not even noticing your friends' shocked stares as you almost run to the exit, too ashamed by your emotions to let them see you like this. 

Swinging the door open, you step down the street, only stopping in your tracks once you remember your car isn’t here and you need to order a cab.

And so you open the uber app and book a ride, ignoring a notification from Jimin as the screen informs you that your driver should be here in five minutes. You exhale sharply and close your eyes, reminding yourself to take deep breaths. 

Your heart almost leaps out of your chest when you hear a door being thrown open and footsteps inching closer to you.

“Angel what the fuck is going on, talk to me. I don’t understand, fuck, you know I don’t see you as just a good fuck I-“ Yoongi’s pleading voice tugs viciously at your heartstrings, tears now streaming down your face in an unrestrained manner.

“I heard you talking to Namjoon just now, Yoongi..” You hiccup brokenly.

Yoongi cups your face delicately and you avoid his troubled gaze, opting to look at the ground instead.

There’s a thin layer of snow glistening on the concrete. You hadn’t even noticed it had been snowing until now.

“Look at me please.” 

You shake your head no, knowing you would probably break down and full on sob if you did.

He brings his forehead against yours, his hold on both sides of your face steady and so comforting it only amplifies your confused state. 

“Look at me..” 

And you can’t ignore the way his voice breaks, so you sniffle loudly and slowly lift your gaze up, meeting teary dark pools of gloom as you do. 

“I wasn’t talking about you just now, Namjoon-ah asked about Sam.. You know I think so much more of you, why would you even think I’d treat you like this..”

A sob racks through your whole being as you shakily exhale and squeeze your eyes shut. “I didn’t- I’m sorry I just assumed the worst I-“ 

“Shhh, hey, it’s ok.” 

“But it’s not ok Yoongi.” You blink a few tears away and hold his gaze. “You give me absolutely no reason to doubt you, and yet.”

You inhale deeply before speaking again, your voice tiny and feeble, unfamiliar to your own ears, 

“How is this supposed to work -us- if I can’t bring myself to trust you?”

“Woah, what are you even saying? We’ll figure it out.” Yoongi soothes, a hint of anxiousness in his warm tone.

“No, you’re not listening. You deserve better than this, than me.” 

“That’s not true.”

Yoongi’s eyes glisten with unshed tears and you just know, at that exact moment, that you really do not deserve him. Because anybody responsible for this man’s tears and pain isn’t deserving of him, plain and simple.

A black car enters your field of view and halts in front of the bar’s facade, a few meters away from you and Yoongi. You recognize the little taxi sign on top of it.

“My cab is here,” You whisper, as you peck his cheek one last time and start heading towards the cab, walking away from a dejected Yoongi with a numb mind and shattered heart.

You want to go back to his arms, let yourself be happy and content in his secure hold. But you can’t, because you feel so much for him, too much. Too much love, admiration and affection, and you can’t hold him back.

You won’t.

-

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a/n: im not crying it’s fine, we’re good. ok ok.. I’m sorry, I love you<3 as always your feedback and comments are ALWAYS appreciated, thank you<3

// to be added to the sunrises & liquor tag list click right here and interact with the taglist post, thank you for reading <3

The venue is at a vineyard on the countryside. The building is modern and its facade is adorned with large windows, the roof overhanging above them in clean asymmetrical lines. It’s extravagant and classy.  Not that you’d expect any less from Soobin and Yeonjun. 

 It’s only when you get inside that you notice your other friends waving you over, some of them standing, the others sitting casually on a deep sapphire colored bench.

They all dressed up for the occasion, Jungkook and Namjoon are sitting next to each other, wearing matching suits and you almost coo at how adorable they look. If these two don’t admit that they’re absolutely whipped for each other soon, you might have to smack some sense into them.

Sam and Hoseok came together, he’s wearing an elegant navy suit while Sam looks absolutely splendid in a pastel pink dress that stops right at her ankles.

Then there’s Yoongi, looking absolutely criminal in a black loose fitting suit, a plain white t-shirt underneath and black and white sneakers. You don’t notice you’re slightly shaking until Jimin puts an arm around your waist in a steadying motion. You have to bite your tongue to stop yourself from saying something very inappropriate and terribly embarrassing

Yoongi’s eyes widen for a fraction of a second when he spots you and you feel your neck heating up at the attention. 

Yoongi’s eyes widen for a fraction of a second when he spots you and you feel your neck heating up at the attention. 

It’s not that you didn’t secretly hope for this reaction. It’s just that you would never admit it aloud. It’s too shameful and absolutely not even remotely ok to be pinning for someone else’s man. 

You can’t help it.

Especially not after spending so much time with the barman during the last few weeks, to prepare for next weekend’s gig. You tried to keep yourself in check. And for the most part you did, exhibiting almost nothing but pure self control. You both rehearsed at the bar, outside of opening hours, with Seokjin’s  permission. 

And it’s been very fun, though a bit awkward at first considering it had been so long since the last time you rehearsed with someone. But Yoongi’s calming presence and quiet confidence made you feel at ease very quickly and you found yourself enjoying the process more than you thought you would, considering your mortifying crush on the man.

But you’re content being his friend and only that. (What’s wrong with thinking about a friend at least twenty times a day and freezing up every time he comes remotely close to you?) Yoongi’s an attentive and caring friend, he listens intently to every word you pronounce, even when it seems like he’s not. He brings food to your practice sessions, homemade food, and it’s absolutely delicious and heartwarming. 

He always makes it a point to be honest, gives you tips and tells you about details he thinks you could improve. But it’s never from a place of superiority, it’s from one musician to another, one friend to another.

You wonder why Sam and Yoongi didn’t come together, the thought soon replaced by you mentally berating yourself for even wondering.

Maybe it’s none of your business, you remind yourself.

“Yoongi-ah, who knew you could look this proper?” Seokjin exclaims, nothing short of utter surprise in his tone. 

The former shuffles awkwardly from feet to feet, hands deep in his blazer’s pockets. “Enjoy it while it lasts, it’s the first and last time you’ll see me like this.”

“Not even at your own wedding?” The older man retorts.

Yoongi smirks nonchalantly, “Who says I’m getting married?”

“So pessimistic Yoongi-hyung!” Hoseok wraps him in a side hug that the blond quickly tries to break free from.

“He says that but watch him be the first out of all of us to get married,” Jimin rolls his eyes.

“So dramatic, all of you,” Yoongi hisses.

The ceremony is beautiful, Yeonjun and Soobin are so in love it physically hurts and you may or may not have shed a few tears while they were reciting their vows.

When it ends, you all wait a bit to congratulate the newlyweds before heading to the reception hall.

First stop is the open bar, of course. 

You get a cucumber gin and tonic, sighing as soon as you feel the cool liquid on your tongue, closing your eyes and swirling it in your mouth to relish in the flavor before swallowing slowly. It’s so damn good. 

It’s only when you open your eyes, that you notice a pair of dark charcoal orbs staring at you, gaze heavy and conflicted. 

And god why is it so hot in here? A shiver runs up your spine, in contrast with the scalding heat you feel all over your body. But you can’t bring yourself to look anywhere but deep in the dark eyes that are setting you aflame. 

The guitarist’s mouth is slightly agape and when he notices that he’s staring he visibly gulps before looking away.

A nervous giggle escapes your mouth, which you realize a little too late. Namjoon arches his brow at you. “You okay there?”

Yoongi's gaze finds you again and you swiftly look down, hiding your flushed cheeks behind your hair, wishing that a hole in the ground would appear and swallow you whole right this moment. Spare you the agony of living with your humiliating self.

Alas, nothing like that happens. “Y-yeah,” You shakily reply.

Namjoon simply shrugs and continues his explanation on the intricate ways beer is made to a wide-eyed Jungkook, a seemingly distracted Yoongi and an obviously bored Jimin who instead of listening keeps darting his eyes toward Hoseok.

The latter doubles over in laughter at something Seokjin says, Sam desperately tries to keep him from falling face first on the ground and you’re not sure if the joke is actually funny or if Hoseok is simply the best public to have ever existed.

You feel a hand tugging at your elbow, making you stumble a few steps behind where you were standing.

“What’s wrong with you?” Taehyung whispers, scanning every inch of your face, concern and confusion lacing his words.

You rake your throat and take a sip of your drink before replying. “Nothing’s wrong,” Your voice comes out whispery and squeakier than you intended it to be.

“You’re acting weird,” Taehyung eyes you suspiciously and you roll your eyes at him.

“I’m telling you I’m good Tae, don’t worry,” You pat his cheek lovingly.

“You literally look like you’re gonna pass out any moment now.”

Why couldn’t you inherit the ability to hide your emotions instead of your useless talent at remembering every band album and their release dates? 

“You know how I am in social situations, I’m fine really,” You clear your throat “Shouldn’t you be spending time with your date anyway?” 

If Taehyung notices your poor attempt at changing the subject, he doesn’t say a word about it.

“I will, soon. Spent the whole day and night with him yesterday anyway. He can manage without me for a few minutes,” He winks.

“Oh my god please spare me any details, that’s my boss Tae” You stare at him in horror.

He shrugs, a smirk playing onto his lips. “He’s a pretty good boss in bed too.” 

You can’t help the bout of nausea that dangerously threatens your throat at the unwanted information. “I’ve learned enough for the next century or so, thanks.”

He pats your back before making his way over to Seokjin, who immediately wraps his arm around Taehyung's waist, pecking his cheek in the process, an almost reverent look in his eyes. 

How does Taehyung manage to make every single person he meets worship the ground he walks on? And as much as you’re happy for your friends, being so enamored with each other already and all that good stuff, you also suppress a gag. 

When the waiter finally brings wine to the table you and your friends are sitting at, you chug all of your glass in one go. Anything to distract you from the criminally handsome blond man sitting directly to your right.

It does not help whatsoever. 

You feel a tingle at the back of your neck, as if your body knew that Yoongi’s staring at you before you did. You turn your head towards the source of your anxiousness, noticing his perplexed expression as soon as you do.

“What,” You ask flatly.

He smiles amusedly. “Is the wine that good?”

“It’s exquisite, truly. Almost as good as the one I get from the convenience store,” You sarcastically say.

He smiles playfully. “Ah yes, the great convenience store red, an inevitable delicacy.”

You smack his arm, albeit very softly. “Don’t diss it, it’s a Tuesday night must.”

He fakes a gasp. “I would never,” He laughs, the sound light and comforting. You can’t help but giggle along.

Your food arrives shortly after, it’s a three course service and each of them is more delicious than the previous. You can barely eat half of the duck serving Jimin had chosen for you, rendered too full by the previous courses. So you settle on playing with your fork, stabbing a piece of meat here and there.

“You’re not gonna eat it all?” Jungkook asks.

“Nah, you can have it if you want,” You reply, knowing very well that the question was coming. Jungkook could eat a whole pig and still have enough space for dessert.

The young man lets out a happy cheer before taking your plate. “Thanks, I’m so hungry.”

You nod, a fond smile making its way upon your face.

“I don’t get how you can eat so much,” Jimin sighs, rubbing his belly in circular motions.

“Our Jungkookie is very active, he needs to eat well.” Hoseok responds, filling Jungkook’s glass with more water. The latter grins, stuffing his mouth to the brim with meat.

“Have all of you already forgotten that I beat him at the hot dog contest we had last summer?” Seokjin pronounces, indignantly. 

“Oh god, not this again..” Samantha sighs exasperatedly.

Taehyung chuckles lightly, caressing the older man’s wrist soothingly. “I’m so proud of you Jinnie, I wish I could’ve seen that,” He almost purrs.

And just like that, your nausea is back. 

“We could do it again for you babe.” Seokjin says, a proud look in his eyes.

“Oh absolutely not, I almost threw up the first time,” Hoseok blurts out, looking just as close as you are to puking all over the table. Taehyung pouts.

“I demand a rematch, I was sick that day, it doesn’t count,” Jungkook snarls. 

Namjoon tucks a stray strand of hair behind Jungkook’s ear. “You really did seem sick.”

“Lies!” Seokjin exclaims, prompting a loud laugh out of Jimin who almost falls off his chair in the process.

Then ensues a petulant verbal fight between Jungkook and Seokjin about the credibility of the older man’s victory.

“Do I even want to know how all of this happened?” You mutter, bewildered.

“Believe me, you don’t,” Yoongi mumbles slowly, sparking a shiver down your spine.

A sharp echoing sound distracts everyone from the argument at hand. 

“If I may have your attention,” A young man you don’t recognize says, microphone in hand. “I propose a toast to the newly weds, I wish you nothing but happiness and prosperity in this exciting new chapter of your life.” 

You and your friends exchange a look before you pick your glasses and clink them together loudly, you hear other tables do the same.

When you put your glass down after taking a long sip, you notice Yoongi ogling at you, a strange look in his eyes and a small smile etched upon his beautiful face.

As much as you try to shrug it off as nothing important, something he did in the heat of the moment, you still feel something fluttering around in the pit of your stomach. 

And this time you decide to appreciate the feeling, maybe it’s not a big deal.

Maybe today, just today, it’s ok.

As the day blends into night, every single one of your friends goes from sober to tipsy, or drunk in some cases. You take a sip of the coffee you had ordered earlier, wincing at the taste. It’s not good, not at all. But you need something to sober you up a bit.

You glance at the dancefloor, noticing Hoseok and Jimin dancing together as if no one’s watching. And you feel oh-so happy at the sight, knowing how fucking whipped Jimin is for the man.

“Hoseok is the sun.” He had said, and you couldn’t agree more, seeing his thousand watt smile, aimed at Jimin. And at that moment, you think that maybe, Jimin’s feelings may be reciprocated.

Maybe.

You’ve been blanking for, well, probably far too long because when you focus again, Hoseok is nowhere to be seen and you notice Jimin waving his finger at you, in a motion that says come here. And you oblige eagerly, dropping your now cold cup of coffee on the table.

You and Jimin dance, and it’s fun. So fun. Your mind is empty, there’s nothing but here and now. No existential questions, no guilt over something you can’t control, no worries for the future. Just you and Jimin dancing together, Jimin twirling you playfully.

Nothing else.

Yes, he’s staring. 

As always, he’s fixated on you, looking at you like a starved man would look at a piece of bread. Like you’re a life line. How could he not?

He’s given up on trying to hide it long ago, can’t bring himself to care anymore.

You look so free, so happy, dancing at the center of the room, laughing sheepishly as Jimin twirls you around.

He cannot recall for the life of him what it was about you that had drawn him in at first.

Maybe it’s how you don’t understand the power you hold, how every time you walk in a room you look disoriented, lost.

Maybe it’s the way you try to make yourself small in any and every situation you find yourself in, only to fail each and every time because how could you ever be small, when you shine so brightly? When you hold all of the answers in the palm of your dainty hands?

Maybe it’s the witty sharpness of your tongue that’s drawn him in, or the way you manage to attach so much importance to trivial things like playing guitar around a campfire or watching the sunrise on a balcony early in the mornings.

He thinks he could search for a thousand years and yet never pinpoint exactly what it is that made you so special in his eyes.

When did Min Yoongi become so goddamn whipped?

It’s only when a glass of clear liquid is pushed right in front of him, on the table he’s been leaning on, that he breaks free from his train of thought. 

“Water for all that thirsting you’re doing,” 

He sharply whips his head towards his interlocutor with a pointed look.

Samantha laughs while taking a sip of her, by now, diluted Rum n’ coke. “If you’re trying to hide it you’re absolute shit at it.” 

Yoongi snorts, well aware of his condition. “I’m not trying to hide anything” 

The woman puts down her drink gently. “You’re not? You look like a love sick puppy, I know that look” Yoongi stills completely at that, mind going a thousand miles an hour. 

It’s not like that. Is it?

He grimaces. “I’m merely observing. It’s not what you think.” 

Samantha shoots him an incredulous look. 

“Oh but it so is,” No it’s not. “You haven’t texted me in weeks Yoongi.” 

His heart aches a bit at her words, guilt rushing through him like poison, burning his veins. “Yeah I’m.. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy, you know how it is..” He knows he shouldn’t lie, knows he’s being a dick. He should just tell her that they’re just buying time, time that they don’t have. 

Yoongi always prided himself on how straightforward and honest he is, always telling it like it is and shitting on people who aren’t. He only now realizes how hypocritical that is. Sure, when it comes to relatively easy things to say, he’s honest and unforgiving. When it comes to his own mistakes and hurting the people he loves the most though, he fails miserably.

“Yoongi..” She looks at him pleadingly. “Please, don’t lie to me..” She repeatedly rips the poor napkin that was innocently laying on the table, unaware of its fate before it was too late. “I know it’s over. You and me. We both know.” He stares at the table, unable to look his once lover in the eyes. Silent like a fucking mime. He’s a dick. 

She sighs. “I- I guess I was hoping it wasn’t over, you know?” He forces himself to shift his gaze to her soft face. Her delicate traits look harsher under the neon lights. “I know we said it wasn’t anything but sex.. It was selfish of me to think it would go back to what it was..” She trails off, voice cracking a bit. 

He can’t handle her crying, never been good at it. Especially when it’s because of him, he doesn’t deserve her tears.

“I love you, you know?” She drops what’s left of the napkin and looks deep in Yoongi’s eyes, blinking back tears. “I  also know you dont love me anymore.” 

I’m so fucking sorry.

She laughs, a sound rendered hoarse by emotions. “Don’t feel sorry, I know you didn’t mean to.” She takes his hand in hers.

“I’m sorry..” He still whispers. He has to at least say it.

“I know.” She smiles sadly. “I also see the way you look at her and I think-“ She stops, a pained look on her angelic face. “I think I have to let you go?” He stares at her, tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry, he hates crying.

 He can’t help it.

When the blond man speaks again, his airway feels constricted and his voice comes out raspy with emotions. “I-.. I never meant for it to end this way,” He clears his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better.. You deserve better.” 

Samantha laughs, the sound tainted by sadness. “Nobody ever does Yoongi, we do the best we can.”

She suddenly gets up, smoothing her dress before bending down to leave a gentle kiss on Yoongi’s cheek. His heart aches again at the affectionate touch, he doesn’t deserve it.

“You know, you used to look at me that way.” She spares a quick glance at the dance floor. “Don’t let her get away before it’s too late, yeah?” Her tone is gentle, smooth. Like she already accepted it all. He wonders how long it’s been since she came to the realization. Before him, that’s for sure.

And just like that she’s gone, in more ways than one. And it’s good, Yoongi thinks. She’s much stronger than him, he’s a coward. Couldn’t tell her he doesn’t want her anymore, afraid to hurt her, so he ignored her instead.

In the end he hurt her more by doing so.

It seems that Yoongi has a knack for hurting the people who mean the most to him. Like he doesn’t know how to navigate relationships properly. He doesn’t want to, hates wounding people because of his actions. And yet, he did it again, and he loathes himself for it.

It takes him a few minutes to regain his senses. His chest stings, akin to the cold winter wind on bare cheeks. He searches for you on the dance floor, but you’re not there anymore. He has to scan the whole room before he notices you, waiting in line at the bar. 

You look a bit disheveled but still absolutely radiant, like all the bright lights in the room couldn’t compete even if they tried.

He sighs, picks up his now empty glass and heads towards the bar, determination permeating his every step.

Determination for what? 

He doesn’t know.

When your heels end up hurting your feet unbearably, you decide to head off to the bar to get another drink and give them a break for a bit. You’re waiting for your drink and desperately trying to smooth your hair when you feel a hand on your waist and freeze in your movement. You glance to your left.

Yoongi’s smiling softly at you and he drops off his arm as quickly as he had put it around you. You almost whine from the loss of physical contact but, thankfully, manage to swallow it down. You’d die from embarrassment otherwise. 

He orders a whiskey on the rocks before clearing his throat, eyes fixed on the liquor bottles decorating the shelves behind the bar. “Wanna get some fresh air?” You notice his eyes are a bit red, like he’d just been crying. Your heart sinks at the bottom of your stomach. “I know it’s not sunrise, but it’s still nice out.”

You gulp shakily. “Yeah of course, let me just grab my coat.” You head to your table and grab your things while Yoongi heads out the back door. You follow him.

The cold air hits you as soon as you step outside, making you shiver instinctively. Yoongi’s perched up on the white wood railing overlooking the immense vineyard. 

He wasn’t exaggerating, it’s absolutely stunning.

Rows and rows of grape vines supported by wood trellises, bathed in the cold, white moonlight. You slowly approach Yoongi with small steps and avoid looking in his direction, peering curiously at the fields in front of you instead. From the porch, the only sound you can hear is the muted conversations mixing with music from inside the building. And for a little while, that’s all there is. The both of you not uttering a single word.

And it’s not like usual, when the both of you are silent. In other instances you would feel calm and comfortable with silence. Silence is always comfortable with Yoongi. But not today, today you feel restless, anxious, and you can’t pinpoint why. It annoys you to no end, not knowing what to say. Then again, he’s the one who brought you outside. Let him talk first.

You fidget with the hem of your skirt and tap your fingers on the glass of wine in your right hand before taking a long sip. Which is exactly when he decides to break the slightly tense atmosphere. 

“It’s over between me and Sam,” He declares, a coarse quality to his firm tone.

And you can’t help the way your heart rate picks up at that, though you certainly do berate your inner self for the inappropriate and insensitive reaction. You swallow, not lowering the glass in your hand but letting it hang close to your lips.

You swiftly peer at Yoongi, whose gaze is still fixated on the horizon. “Oh,” A thousand questions come to mind but you won’t prod. “I’m sorry..” You whisper, lowering your head.

The man chuckles, which is definitely not what you expected. “Nah, don’t be. It’s been a long time coming, I’m glad.” You look back up to examine his expression, finding mostly serenitude and maybe a bit of regrets too, in the outer corner of those profound obsidian eyes. 

You ponder a bit before replying, unsure what to say, what’s an appropriate response to something like this? You don’t even know the details of their relationship.

“Then, why..,” You trail off, suddenly very shy. 

He cuts you off before you can continue. “Why what? Say what’s on your mind love”

You feel heat creeping up your neck at the cursed nickname, it never fails to throw you off tracks, each and every time.

You anxiously bite your bottom lip. “Why were you together, if you feel this way?”

There, it’s said, it’s out. No going back, he asked for it.

Yoongi sighs, straightening up a bit. "We were very much in love at first. Or I thought I was,” He takes a moment, seemingly pondering his next words carefully. "But I could never give her what she needed. That’s when I realized I had never been in love with her, and I broke it off a few months ago.” He takes a sip of his drink.

That’s a lot of information, more than you thought you’d get from him, with him being a pretty fucking private person and all. Something doesn’t add up though, which is why you ask the next question.

"So why were you still seeing each other then?” You know you’re asking questions you maybe shouldn’t. But he’s being open and sincere, offering answers so freely. There’s never been a better time than here and now.

"Why does anybody keep seeing their ex if they've broken up?” He chuckles bitterly. ”But it was selfish and I didn’t realize she was hurting,” He slumps down on the railing. "Or maybe I did and I was only thinking of myself.”

"Oh,” Your heart pinches a little at his confession, you’re not sure what to make of it. The thing with relationships is that things are never black or white, people fuck up time and time again, trying to be the best version of themselves, acting desperately and selfishly without realizing it. You’d be a hypocrite if you said you didn’t act this way once, or maybe multiple times. Relationships are messy, people are messy, emotions are messy. 

There’s no villains or victims. Only players, and they always end up losing one way or another. They also win too, there’s no clear prize. Only painful and happy moments, intertwining together in an intricate mess. That’s love, it’s not only beautiful and happy, it’s also sad and heart wrenching. Both at the same time.

You pause a long time before you reply, voice soft and hopefully soothing. "We’re only human, we’re greedy and self centered. Sam acted upon her own motives and you did too. There’s no one at fault here,” You explain. From your peripheral vision you see Yoongi turning his head towards you. 

Then there’s silence, long and charged with contradicting emotions. You wait patiently, you’ll always wait.

"I don’t want to be selfish, not if it hurts people.” He whispers hoarsely.

You turn your head and stare into his eyes tenderly. He looks pained, torn between two realities. You find yourself wanting to put the man in your pocket and hide him there, shield him from the harsh reality that you’re both living in.

"That’s okay. It’s the best we can do. It’s enough Yoongi. And it’s okay to be selfish from time to time too, you can think of yourself first sometimes. You deserve it.” You murmur gently, he looks so fragile, blond hair sweeping smoothly upon his forehead, the right side of his face bathed in soft moonlight, the other half hidden in the shadows.

And you think that’s what he is now, open and unprotected. But also subdued and concealed, like he’s not completely ready to divulge all that’s going through that bewitching mind of his. 

Maybe he never will be and that’s okay too, some things are better left unspoken. 

He leans a few inches forward, just enough to make you aware of his movement and looks away, gaze scanning the field in front of you both once more. "Do you think you’ll get married one day?” He asks.

You grab the railing with the palm of your hand. "I don’t know,” You sigh. "I never really thought about it when I was younger, you know? I was too busy running around left and right trying different things, playing new games, meeting new people,” You chuckle, recalling your adventurous childhood. 

"Then, in high school, I focused on my classes, lessons and hobbies. I didn’t even date anybody like most people do, but I didn’t mind. Maybe I missed out on the high school experience or something like that I don’t know,” You pause, smiling amusedly. "And then life happened and things got complicated and I never managed to keep a healthy relationship. So yeah, I don’t know. It’s not something I aspire to, you know?”

Yoongi hums before replying. "You didn’t miss out on much, high school sucks.”

You laugh light heartedly. "Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

You take another sip of your drink. "What about you?”

He shruggs. "I dunno. It’s not something I aspire to either. People ruin marriages so easily, like it adds an unnecessary pressure to stay together.”

You hum in agreement."Yeah I get you. If you start to feel forced to maintain something, that’s when it starts to collapse.”

"Yup.” He turns back to you, getting closer in the process. "Plus, like you said. People are selfish aren’t they?”

You let out a tiny chuckle. "Yeah, we all are.”

No one speaks after that, silence lingering on except for the quiet laughter and music from the people inside. It feels like in the matter of a second, the air gets denser and it’s harder to breathe. Like suddenly something very important is about to happen, or is already happening. You catch Yoongi’s eyes observing you curiously.

Before you can even comprehend what’s happening, his right hand is hovering just above your cheek, almost caressing it but not quite. And he’s looking at you, a vulnerable glint in his eyes. You take a shallow breath, and that’s all you can do not to crumble on the ground.

"Is it okay if I decide to be selfish right now?” He barely whispers, hand still hovering above your face. And you nod weakly, words are simply not an option at this very moment.

It happens slowly, his hand coming into contact with your over sensitive skin, thumb tracing the outer corner of your mouth. You can only sigh, closing your eyes for a moment, only a brief moment.

When you open them again, he’s drawing closer at a leisurely pace, like he’s got all the time in the world. Maybe he does.

And then it dawns on you, that he’s going to kiss you. You’re very aware when your heart picks up its pace at a maddening speed. And you can only listen to it, unable to move, too enraptured in his dark eyes and delicate touch.

He tilts your chin, now barely a few inches away.

Your breath hitches in your throat, and you brace yourself for what’s to come. Something you’ve dreamed about more than you’d like to admit.

You can feel the ghost of his lips on your own, and you can almost taste the expensive wine on his shallow breath. It’s excruciatingly long, the moment before he closes the distance completely, and you impatiently wait, very close to completely losing it.

"Hey Yoongi we’re about t-” You push Yoongi off and his back almost hits the wooden pillar, propelled by the sheer force of your movement. You blush profusely, cursing at yourself in the process.

"Oh I’m- I’m sorry.. We’re just-” Namjoon stops, rubbing his neck in a motion that clearly indicates he’s feeling very awkward. "Me and Jungkook were looking for you, just-” "When you’re done with,” He trails off motioning to the both of you. "Come see us, yeah?”

Yoongi groans and sharply nods, visibly irritated.

Then Namjoon goes back inside, leaving you both to ponder on what the fuck almost happened.

You gulp loudly, avoiding his burning stare. "We should probably-”

"Yeah let’s go back inside.” He sternly says, making you wince involuntarily.

The shift in his tone and mood gives you whiplash. Did you do something wrong? You didn’t mean to push him away, it just kinda happened. Like a reflex of some sort. Is that what he’s mad about? 

You timidly nod, the both of you head inside quickly.

The rest of the night is long and anxiety inducing. You keep glancing at Yoongi, who seems like he’s refusing to meet your eyes. And you almost tear up a few times, what the fuck did you do?

You keep looking out for moments to talk to him, one on one. But you’re both always surrounded by friends. You catch Namjoon shooting you an apologetic look once or twice, though he has nothing to apologize for. 

Then the night finally draws to an end, and you go back to Seokjin’s car with the latter, Jimin and Taehyung. They drop you off, the last two being so drunk they eventually pass out in the car on the way.

When you unlock the door to your apartment, you kick your heels off and head straight to the shower, feeling more like a zombie than an actual person. Like you’re on autopilot, barely there.

And it’s not until your head hits the soft downy pillow that you allow yourself to shed a tear, or maybe two.

Maybe more.

You stopped counting.

a/n: it can’t be fluffy and cute all the time okay, OKAY?

thanks for reading and see you next time, byyyyyye :-)

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