Drowned In Daydreams

Hi I’m Twoot and idk if I have (have? Is that the right term?) madd but I might and I’m looking into it. I’ve tried to do some research but idk how well it matches up. For as long as I can remember I’ve sort of created my own worlds or pretended that I was part of some that already existed (based off of youtubers, shows, books, etc. When I was younger it was a big mix of me as a person experiencing it and a character as me experiencing it but recently it’s just been me as characters) It’s not *all* of my life but when I sat down to write this all out I realized how much it happens. and I’m an only child living with only my dad so i didn’t have many real ppl to play w growing up and I have a lot of alone time. I spend a lot of my (mostly) alone time (walking to and from school, being home alone, in bed at night (so much plot in the stories/worlds I build happens at night), and even sometimes in social situations,, tho it depends) doing what I have dubbed in the latest years “The Characters Thing” (I’m just going to call it TCT for now bc I’m not %100 sure if it’s madd or not so that’s just what I’m going to refer to it as here)

Usually when I get into something (bc of my adhd when I get into a fandom type thing I hyperfixate and *rly* get into it) my whole world revolves around that thing. I create a sort of au and story in my head and they often times never wrap up before moving on to the next one. While I’m involved in one of my hyperfixations I usually do TCT about them and start a storyline which I continue throughout my day. These can last from one afternoon (tho that’s p uncommon) to months. They change as my hyperfixations change bc once I tire of those the characters/world no longer interest me and my hyperfixations usually last for a couple months. Right now I’m into Moomin so for example I would be Snufkin or the Joxter (it switches who I am A Lot depending on what’s happening in the story/ where I am while I’m doing TCT bc I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is actually madd) and go thru parts of the story I’m making as them. I don’t think of myself as becoming them ig?? Looking back I’m still me,, I’m the body,, the one experiencing things but during TCT the concept of “Twoot” (me) is gone and I perceive things and react to situations (irl or in the story in my head) as the character. It’s never in third person as I am always a certain character and even if I imagine others I do not act as them even tho I sort of control them. Another thing I forgot to add is that I can switch between what character I am. It often varies from world to world and story to story but sometimes I switch characters randomly bc my mood changes and the way I’m acting would better fit another character or my hyperfixation might shift and maybe a different character seems more appealing at that time. It’s like when you’re reading a fic and some of the chapters are in the POV of a different character. Tho for me it’s never third person no matter what. I always see it thru the eyes of the character I am.

There can sometimes be multiple worlds/stories happening at the same time which sometimes stumps me on what one to continue with when I do TCT. The stories never happen at the same time but if there are stories that are super short (last for only an afternoon or so,, but again these are super rare) there might be characters from multiple things in the same place. One recently for me was a world of me walking back from school after a stressful class where two characters (strongly tied to emotions. The three characters here are the only ones that are tied to emotions and pop up when I am feeling a certain emotion. Tho there are exceptions like there’s a character that always pops up when I’m stimming.) Who represent pettiness and anger (Marvin from Falsettos being the main one. (The only time when I act as him is when I am feeling petty or selfish and angry bc falsettos isn’t my hyperfixation anymore and I wasn’t usually him when it was my hyperfixation) Little my from Moomin was the other but unlike Marvin me feeling angry isn’t the only time she pops up bc that’s not all she’s included for and she’s part of my current hyperfixation) where talking to me (At the moment I was snufkin from the Moomins who i use to make my emotions stable bc he is always calm and collected. He’s also the main character I am rn bc he’s my favorite and from my current hyperfixation) even tho Marvin is not from Moomin and little my and snufkin aren’t from falsettos. This kind of world with mixing characters and it being so short (only lasted for half of my walk home) is v v uncommon tho it does happen. It is also an example of one of the kinds of situations that happen when I do TCT.

There are three kinds.

One: Real world. This is where the characters (Sometimes just the character I am and sometimes there are others around me) are responding to things that are happening around me activity. Example: Worrying about a test I have, playing a video game, or doing something activity that is happening irl. This can easily bleed into the second type if I am doing something nonspecific like walking home or eating dinner.

Two: Imaginary situations: This is where I am doing something during TCT that I am not doing in the real world. Example: irl I am in bed but durning TCT I am walking around the forest(little irl movement and acting bc I am lying down and I cannot speak bc I might be heared by my dad) or irl I am just home alone but during TCT I am going shopping with another character (a lot of irl movement. I can talk, run around, grab props to use and use them, etc.)

Three: Including other people: This is why it doesn’t affect my social situations negatively. This is where I am interacting with other people and see myself as one character and those around me as others. This usually follows the rules of the forst kind bc I base things around what is actually happening. If I am around my little cousins sometimes I can play with them and suggest what we play using the world I’m focused on at the time (it’s not that weird bc I’m 14 and we don’t see each other that often but when we do we’re all v close and it’s not as weird or forced as it sounds) and I’m the character I am at that time and might even suggest them to be other characters from it. If not this can actually star a branching work with my cousins ocs as characters that I might or might not use if I continue that branch. If I am around friends we don’t play that often anymore bc were all about 14 so we play less and less but there was a long lasting hyperfixation that rly was great for TCT bc my friends where into it at the same time and often played and/or rped as these characters. So sometimes they might play along but most of the time for type three I only imagine them to be other characters. I assign them a character that matches who they are and hang out with them as I act on the way my character as they and build the story in my head as things happen irl. Examples: irl I’m eating dinner at a restaurant with my dad and grandparents but during TCT I am the character eating dinner with the other characters in the world in my characters dining room, irl I am in the ocean on a beach trip with my friends but during TCT I am a Character that is trapped on an island and swimming to somewhere else with the few other characters for company, or irl I am in a car going to a friends house while it’s late with her mom driving us but during TCT I am the character on a train traveling to to town for the first time to go to an inn while I chat with a character that is a stranger (even if irl she’s my best friend) and the nosy lady in front of us who keeps interrupting our generally peaceful train ride

I am always aware that I am doing TCT and usually (I think? I’ve never tried to specifically shut down any “sessions” of TCT) in control of when it stops/starts and there is no inner world. I am aware of what the body is seeing, hearing, feeling, etc. irl but TCT is happening on top of it(?)

If there are other characters besides just me in a scene (unless I’m with other people and assign them a character that suits them in my head) I see them even tho they’re not there? They are invisible but I can tell what they look like and where they are at any given time. In the “scenes” im never “transported” anywhere. Sort of. I can decide where the room I’m in is in the story (like I say that my room is really the inside of a tent or that the restaurant I’m in is the dining room of my character’s house) but it’s the same as how the characters look. I perceive everything as it is but imagine that things look different. This also happens with real people I assign characters to in my head. My eyes see the people but my brain, ig in my minds eye sees what the character they “are” looks like.

There are multiple different reasons that TCT happens for me. Most of the time it’s because I’m bored (I have adhd-pi (the inattentive type) so this happens quite a lot) but I also use it to deal with situations I want to personally distance myself from.

Like because I have sensory issues it’s Awful for me that I have to go out to eat with my grandparents every week and have to hear them chew food. So I start doing TCT and handle things how my character would handle it. If I end up spiraling and breaking down then TCT is torn away and my mind stops thinking of that as I am too preoccupied with the breakdown (usually dealing with personal things so it’s harder to place a character on it)

I have recently started to use TCT to my advantage during breakdowns and either acting as a more stable character they ig to calm themself down OR be Twoot (me) (this is v uncommon for me this past year or so unless it’s to do what I’m explaining now) and have the characters “there with me” to calm me down. It all depends on the specific experience.

What makes me question if madd is what I’m experiencing or not is bc It doesn’t usually affect my social life; if I’m doing TCT I just have my friends/family be other characters (tho I don’t tell them this ofc) and it’s not like an actual dream. I still experience reality while it’s happening and it’s not too vivid (I have memories of the parts of stories like they really happened but as I explained before things seem sort of transparent so they aren’t too detailed) also it’s not third person. I have to experience it in first person weather I’m acting it out (this is ideal, I do this if I’m home alone or walking somewhere alone. If I can’t speak and move around to act them out I mouth things out and imagine that I am doing the things, but not rly bc I imagine doing things in first person if that makes sense, or if I rly have to it all happens inside my head but that’s only if I’m in a social situation where I can’t move around. If I’m in a social situation with friends I can move around in I move and and act in the ways that the character I am at the moment would/ is in my story and have my friends be the characters while I build the story around what is happening irl)

If there’s anything else I should explain but at this time that is all I can think of to share. I hope this makes sense. If it’s not madd do you have any idea what it could be?

It makes me think about how many of us tie MaDD to our identities, even unknowingly or subconsciously. Just how much of us is in relation to this disorder. And even how many people still don’t even recognize it in themselves because so much of who they are is tied to a disorder that’s disrupting their lives so much. It becomes scary to think about overcoming something that you see as so intrinsically you.

I just almost cried because I imagined returning to a field that my brother and I used to play in and finding it built upon. Not only have I not seen this field in four years, I haven’t thought about it in, oh, three and a half. I didn’t even fucking care about whether or not this field was urbanized until my brain was like “hey imagine this”